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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DP not to bother coming home

376 replies

rhaenyra01 · 30/04/2023 19:38

My partner went out just before midday today for a coffee with a couple of mates, said he would be back in a couple of hours. Fast forward to 6pm, no sign of him, messaged asking when is he coming home and I'll start making tea. No reply. I phoned multiple times as it's not like him to not message me through the day when we're apart, never got a response.

I ended up messaging his friend who he went out with, asking if he was ok and if he knew where he was. His friend told me that he'd gone home, but my partner had stayed out with his other friend, and gone to watch the football.

I messaged my partner to say thanks for letting me know what you're doing, basically told him how pissed off I was, he eventually replied a nonsensical message so obviously drunk. I said to him if he was drunk he needn't bother coming home. His reply was "i'm sorry I'll stay out then".

Bearing in mind I have been home alone now all day with a 2 month old baby. I am absolutely furious. He has done this once before when I was pregnant, and promised me he would never do it again. He doesn't usually drink and when he does he gets in a right state and always ends up throwing up and really unwell for the next couple of days.

AIBU to tell him to stay with his friend and not bother coming home? We had planned a nice day out for the bank holiday tomorrow but I'm too angry to spend it with him now.

OP posts:
ImustLearn2Cook · 01/05/2023 03:10

Ponderingwindow · 01/05/2023 01:34

When he is sober and you discuss this you need to be very clear on the issues at hand

he left you caring for your shared child past the agreed time and without communication

he got so drunk as to be incapacitated

dont let him try to turn it into a discussion or how it is ok for him to have a night out and for most people to have a few drinks.

Of course he can have a night out if he has arranged for you to be primary parent.

He can drink, but he has is an adult and should be able to stop before he can’t take care of himself anymore. If he can’t, then he needs to consider whether or not drinking is the right choice for him.

Excellent advice

QueenBitch666 · 01/05/2023 03:12

Looks like you have two babies to look after 🙄

randomuser2020 · 01/05/2023 03:49

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Travelfan2021 · 01/05/2023 03:58

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Pollywoddles · 01/05/2023 04:24

He’s done it once before and promised it wouldn’t happen again. IMO he’s had his chance. His behaviour has been disgusting and having a man so drunk that he’s not in control of himself in a house with a vulnerable postpartum mother and tiny baby is a risk factor. Bad shit can easily happen in these situations. I’m sorry if this sounds dramatic but it’s true. If, for any reason, she becomes incapacitated with him in the house in this condition - anything could happen. Small chance maybe but still a way bigger chance than if he was sober or had a couple of drinks.

OP, you need to think long and hard about what you are going to do. Not reacting appropriately is going to normalise this behaviour and he’ll repeat it.

Nanaof1 · 01/05/2023 05:14

rhaenyra01 · 30/04/2023 19:44

@Reallyareyousure @PinkiOcelot @MXVIT I know it's not late but he has told me he won't come home tonight. I said it more to show him how annoyed he was but he readily agreed he won't come home.

Let him come home after he is stone-cold sober and done with the vomiting, moaning and kvetching about how sick he is.

People that seem to think this was just "fine" behavior would think otherwise if it was the OP who left her NSDP at home with their two-month-old baby for a 12 hours long+ cup of coffee. With no communication, no heads-up and a rude response when they finally decide to "connect" with the NSDP. The rules always seem different yet no one can give a reasonable explanation of why that is.

Nanaof1 · 01/05/2023 05:18

Giselletheunicorn · 30/04/2023 19:49

I'd be absolutely livid if my DH left me for 8 hours with a tiny baby whilst he went out a spontaneous all-day bender with mates. I'm shocked that many of the posters on here don't think that's out of order. It's selfish, juvenile behaviour and shows a complete lack of consideration.

It seems that many MNs have a very low standard for their partners/husbands. No wonder that some men still behave the way they do and treat women the way they do. They're told it's "okay to blow off" sometimes and not held to the same standards these same people put upon women. Mind-boggling, just mind-boggling.

Nanaof1 · 01/05/2023 05:22

CheezePleeze · 30/04/2023 19:51

He definitely should've kept in touch and let you know his plans.

But why is he not allowed to come home if he's drunk?

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Perhaps because the OP is already busy with a two-month-old baby and doesn't relish the idea of having to cater to and clean up after a 20+ year old baby who is throwing up and has a headache. Who wants that smell and mess two months after giving birth. YUCK!

Nanaof1 · 01/05/2023 05:29

TheSnowyOwl · 30/04/2023 19:55

I doubt anyone disagrees that he has been disrespectful and unsupportive but she has overreacted by trying to ban him from his own home for something, by her own admittance, he has only done once before.

Show quote history

Never did she EVER say he has only done this once. He did it once while she was pregnant, so that's twice in, at the most, eleven months.

Maybe he HAS only done it once before, or maybe he has done it often before the OP became pregnant, and he promised to not do so again, but broke that promise once during her pregnancy.

OP--remember this:
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.

Now, change the word "fool" to "disrespect".

Nanaof1 · 01/05/2023 05:34

GoodChat · 30/04/2023 20:05

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

Show quote history

Yep, her DP played a very, very stupid game and now he can live with the prize. I can only hope the OP realizes her worth and realizes he doesn't realize the same. When someone shows you who they REALLY are, as the NSDP of the OP has done, believe them. They will not change. He will be all sorry and chastise himself and promise he will not go out again and get drunk, until he goes out drinking again and again and again.

Nanaof1 · 01/05/2023 05:38

rhaenyra01 · 30/04/2023 20:08

I haven't locked him out, he has a key and is perfectly able to come home if he wants to. But it seems like he'd rather be out on the piss than at home with his newborn daughter and partner.

Show quote history

And this is probably what you have to look forward to for the next however many years, unless he is willing to truly change, and you are willing to have standards. I don't think he really wants to change and he is definitely a drinker, not a teetotaler. He just says that to appease you, until next time. For him, I am betting he is a "better to ask forgiveness than permission" type of person.

ShitFacedOnRetsina · 01/05/2023 05:42

I don't think he knows the meaning of the word teetotal.

I would be inclined to let them put him on the lounge floor and build a pillow fort around his head. If the walls are two pillows thick, almost no air can get in.

Is he insured?

Nanaof1 · 01/05/2023 05:43

JenniferBooth · 30/04/2023 20:15

Bet he throws up everywhere

And will expect her to clean it up, fetch him this, that and the other and bring him a cold cloth for his "aching head". I'd invite aspiring bagpipers over for practice. Or just leave for the day and stay out for the night at a nice inn (telling him of course that you will be home when his mess is cleaned up, his clothes washed and his mind clears. Well, maybe not that last part as that could take many days/weeks/years/decades.

Nanaof1 · 01/05/2023 05:45

Doggymummar · 30/04/2023 20:16

Take plenty of pictures of him to act as a wake up call

Hopefully one of him laying in a pile of his own puke and then post it to FB/IG or wherever.

Nanaof1 · 01/05/2023 05:49

shard5 · 30/04/2023 20:28

Do you have siblings nearby or your parents perhaps?
I'd wait for him to get in then be off to my mum's with baby. No way would I hang around with a drunken arse and baby him as well!

Heck, go to a nearby hotel, inn, friend's house, relative's house. Anywhere but there to play nursemaid to an overgrown, irresponsible, disrespectful POS.

Nanaof1 · 01/05/2023 05:52

Sorchamarie · 30/04/2023 20:35

Yep, I don't believe for a second that all the people making excuses for your partner would be absolutely fine if their own partner said they were going out for a coffee for two hours, and instead get so insanely drunk their friends had to bring them home (a grown adult!), ignored all attempts to contact you all day, and ruined all the plans you had together. Seriously, this forum is getting more and more batshit. Please ignore all those trying to blame you for this OP. You have not overreacted. Your partner has behaved appalling. I wish you luck for the aftermath. Only you can decide if you are willing to put up with this kind of disrespect and utter lack of care in your relationship. Unless it's extremely out of character for him to do anything remotely like this and he's extremely repentent (once he sobers up), I'd be seriously questioning if you're willing to be put up with this.

THIS!! ⬆⬆ ALL of this!

Nanaof1 · 01/05/2023 05:56

wispatwirl · 30/04/2023 20:41

So you're trying to blame OP for a grown mans decision to get paralytic drunk?

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Because in that poster's mind, all the misbehavior, rudeness and bad actions by men are caused by women not be "understanding" enough and holding men to minimal standards.

Misogyny is alive and well on MN.

Nanaof1 · 01/05/2023 05:58

weweresomeoneelse · 30/04/2023 20:45

you think he should sleep in a shed because he’s pissed? Wise up 🙄

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Well, the middle of the road would be a better place for his drunken ass, but no sense offending people walking or driving.

ThomasinaLivesHere · 01/05/2023 06:00

Giselletheunicorn · 30/04/2023 19:49

I'd be absolutely livid if my DH left me for 8 hours with a tiny baby whilst he went out a spontaneous all-day bender with mates. I'm shocked that many of the posters on here don't think that's out of order. It's selfish, juvenile behaviour and shows a complete lack of consideration.

They know it’s out of order. They’re just playing a game called attack the OP no matter how reasonable or justified she is.

femfemlicious · 01/05/2023 06:01

I would have left him on the sofa with several bowls and towels on the floor with all his clothes and shoes on!

Nanaof1 · 01/05/2023 06:02

CheezePleeze · 30/04/2023 20:49

"I came home drunk for the second time ever and my husband made me sleep in the shed".

Cue Mumsnet servers going into meltdown.

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If ONLY it was the second time ever. Which it isn't. It's the second time since she got pregnant.

It's a good thing MN servers don't go into meltdown at the lack of reading comprehension by some posters. smdhays

ChairFloorWall · 01/05/2023 06:19

Climbles · 30/04/2023 22:37

We do communicate but my DH knows I’m not going to kick off if he decides to make a night of it. We don’t always plan things. I think her DH is definitely in the wrong for his behaviour but she does sound a bit over the top too. Claiming that he doesn’t want to spend time with his family because he went out for a drink suggests to me that she is not very accommodating of him wanting to blow off some steam.

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I agree with you

Nanaof1 · 01/05/2023 06:22

YouWonJayne · 30/04/2023 21:10

My god if my DH started calling my friends at 6pm asking where I was I’d die of embarrassment

The fact that you could say you were going out for 2 hours and then still not be home 8 hours later with no communication and your husband not giving a care, says quite a lot in fact. None of it very good, but it does say a lot. LOL!

RampantIvy · 01/05/2023 06:31

ChairFloorWall · 01/05/2023 06:19

I agree with you

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Another couple of mumsnetter with low standards.

His behaviour is absolutely not on.

iloveeverykindofcat · 01/05/2023 06:37

Ridiculously immature behaviour. Why do people think an all-day bender is normal? Its not. Maybe once or twice in college. Not for an adult with responsibilties. Its dangerous and selfish.
That said, its his house too, so I don't think you can really stop him returning if he wants to.