To tell DP not to bother coming home

[rhaenyra01]

My partner went out just before midday today for a coffee with a couple of mates, said he would be back in a couple of hours. Fast forward to 6pm, no sign of him, messaged asking when is he coming home and I'll start making tea. No reply. I phoned multiple times as it's not like him to not message me through the day when we're apart, never got a response.

I ended up messaging his friend who he went out with, asking if he was ok and if he knew where he was. His friend told me that he'd gone home, but my partner had stayed out with his other friend, and gone to watch the football.

I messaged my partner to say thanks for letting me know what you're doing, basically told him how pissed off I was, he eventually replied a nonsensical message so obviously drunk. I said to him if he was drunk he needn't bother coming home. His reply was "i'm sorry I'll stay out then".

Bearing in mind I have been home alone now all day with a 2 month old baby. I am absolutely furious. He has done this once before when I was pregnant, and promised me he would never do it again. He doesn't usually drink and when he does he gets in a right state and always ends up throwing up and really unwell for the next couple of days.

AIBU to tell him to stay with his friend and not bother coming home? We had planned a nice day out for the bank holiday tomorrow but I'm too angry to spend it with him now.

You and @whitebreadjamsandwich are my people!

I asked his Mom to come in & give him a "come to Jesus" talk when DH got falling-down puking/passing out drunk. We had been at a Halloween party (yes, I asked him to stop, but he knew better) and his Mom was keeping our little one for the night, so I called her and asked her to bring DC home and why. She took care of the rest. Grew up with it and wasn't going to go through it again. I also took pictures.

When you get to the puking/passing out stage, all bets are off. Get as happy as you want but know your limits.

And never, ever, go off and "disappear" for hours at a time with zero communication. Especially in this day and age.

All these "helpful hints" for the OP made me almost choke on my soda.

Love them all!

Oh yes, so much happier. And I'm with a man who barely drinks now 😁

Yes he's out of order . If he can't see why maybe today you need to nip out for an hour or so to do some jobs /have lunch then turn up 8 hours later.

Hope you've managed a sleep OP. If you and the baby are up, get on with some hoovering and sorting out the pan cupboard once you've had a cuppa!

Morning OP!

Don't forget to swap the toilet roll with newspaper on your way out today.

Enjoy the sunshine ☀️

I have also read that Vit. D is good for a hangover! 🌞 What a kind and thoughtful idea! And yes, making sure the phone is within hearing range but not finding range is also kind as he will realize just how much you care for him when you check on him every 15-20 minutes. 📲
Any alarm clocks or kitchen timers at home? ⏰⏲ Having them go off after you've been gone for a couple of hours and at different times will make it possible for your DP to wake and know he hasn't actually died🔔📣📢, though he might wish he had⛏⚰. Just be sure to put them somewhere moderately difficult to find and reach, so he gets needed exercise and O2 from breathing deeply. 🙇
I still think inviting wanna-be bagpipers/tuba players/buglers over for practice would be a wonderful "welcome back to the land of the living" celebration for him.🎺🎷

I think he's been incredibly rude and disrespectful and you are not overreacting. He goes out for coffee, which presumably would take 1-2 hours, doesn't come home for 6 hours, doesn't call or text to let you know what's going on, and it turns out he's unilaterally decided to get on it with his mates and is drunk. And you have a 2 month old. Not on, very rude, I'd be very angry with him.

@whitebreadjamsandwich · Today 06:51
Hope you've managed a sleep OP. If you and the baby are up, get on with some hoovering and sorting out the pan cupboard once you've had a cuppa!

So many wonderful ideas! All will be good at making sure your NSDP keeps some cognitive abilities intact since he flushed the ones he had down the toilet yesterday.
I can only hope your NSDP understands that they are all done because you want to make sure he remembers how much fun he had. And how much fun you did NOT get to have.

You're definitely not being unreasonable. I would be so upset being left in that situation. I think it would have been ok for him to do that if he'd discussed it with you prior and given you time to make your own plans perhaps with friends and support. But being left at home waiting and not knowing, not cool. And for him to unexpectedly ruin the following day, also not cool. This would be bad behaviour even without a small baby in the mix. But with the little one, he needs to realise he has responsibilities now and can't do these things.

I can imagine you wish you hadn't told him to not come home since he's agreed to it. I doubt that was the result you wanted. It was probably not the best idea to say that but he also probably should have picked up on the message behind it and reacted differently.

Has he come home now? I hope things are ok. In my opinion he owes you a big apology and needs to make it up to you somehow. I hope he can understand why this is has been so difficult for you.

Because they’ve not learned that Mumsnet posters live in a perfect world and having a different opinion is beyond unreasonable.

I agree with you there. It becomes a pattern quite quickly. NSDP acts horrid by going out and not communicating any changes in plans. Then goes drinking, gets drunk and when the one stuck at home gets mad tells them to stay away, just shrugs it off and continues to drink until falling down/passing out/puking drunk. Gets taken home, his DP puts him to bed and takes care of him instead of doing what they said. Rinse and repeat ad nauseam.
He now knows that this will work, and it will continue as such until his DP finally sees the light or something horrid happens.

He told you he wasn't coming home becuase you told him not to come home. You can hardly blame that on him.

that said I disagree slgithy with PPs - yes he can go out, yes 7 isn't late. But you are at home with a young baby expecting him home in a couple of hours. Not communicating to you that he is staying out is leaving you wondering what's happening and it out of order. A quick text to say he's stayng out would be the right thing to do.

i knew someone who ‘threatened’ divorce too many times - husband said ‘ok then’ - moral is don’t make threats you don’t want to follow through on.

You and your baby deserve better. I hope both you and he realize that today, he has been incredibly childish, rude and unkind and it isn't acceptable. I'd be making him come out with me today, he'd be doing all the hard work with the baby and tough luck if he's feeling rough. That said, I can understand why you don't want to spend time with him. I hope you are ok.

I feel really sad for you OP. 2 months PP can be an emotionally trying time without and inconsiderate ar5e of an OH!

He did it whilst you were pregnant and he’s done it now, he doesn’t respect you and he’s going to do it again and again.

You need to decide if it’s something you can live with or not.

If you've done that more than once, as the OP's NSDP has done and your DH doesn't GAFF, then I feel sorry for you. Once is a mistake. Two or more times is a behavioral problem.

Hi op - I’d focus on myself now - you need to try and make some friends locally who you can meet up with - what about family?
look on meet up groups too - I’ve seen groups for mums and babies.
Why didn’t his friends take him upstairs?
Dont let him ruin your day.
Hopefully he’s apologetic once he’s sober.

Can you imagine if a new mum left the baby and went incommunicado for 8 hours before coming home blind drunk and incapable of any childcare for the next 2 days!!!! Everyone would say she's unfit to be a mother but for some reason it's OK for men.

Nobody's suggested him getting off his face drunk is ok.

Going out for longer than planned is fine but not great without any communication. Not the excessive drinking - that's bad.

I’m afraid if my husband was so blatantly disrespectful to not text me that his plans had changed, and then was a jerk when we did make contact, I wouldn’t be waiting for him today. Take your baby out to the farm and go and have a nice lunch somewhere. I wouldn’t be doing anything helpful for him today, and I wouldn’t wait around for him to sort himself out- he has ruined his own day, not yours. What a waste of space

I’m amazed at the number of posters saying op is overreacting. I’d have called the police and hospitals if my DH had just not communicated after popping out for a coffee at midday and not responded to messages! It would have been incomprehensible that he wouldn’t have rung me unless he had had an accident or some other awful thing. This is triply so as they have a tiny baby. But even pre-kids and with older kids we wouldn’t just go AWOL. It’s not about him not being allowed to have fun, it’s about basic norms of communication and respect.

I'd have told his friends to deal with him themselves, deadlocked the front door and gone to sleep. They were there while he got himself in that state, they should deal with the consequences.

I'd be furious OP.

Absolutely pathetic behaviour from a grown man.

You'd have been phoning the police if he'd not returned home after 5 hours, having said he'd be gone for 2? That's insane.

Hope you have someone you can be with tomorrow and have a cry and comfort.

what a dick head he is