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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DP not to bother coming home

376 replies

rhaenyra01 · 30/04/2023 19:38

My partner went out just before midday today for a coffee with a couple of mates, said he would be back in a couple of hours. Fast forward to 6pm, no sign of him, messaged asking when is he coming home and I'll start making tea. No reply. I phoned multiple times as it's not like him to not message me through the day when we're apart, never got a response.

I ended up messaging his friend who he went out with, asking if he was ok and if he knew where he was. His friend told me that he'd gone home, but my partner had stayed out with his other friend, and gone to watch the football.

I messaged my partner to say thanks for letting me know what you're doing, basically told him how pissed off I was, he eventually replied a nonsensical message so obviously drunk. I said to him if he was drunk he needn't bother coming home. His reply was "i'm sorry I'll stay out then".

Bearing in mind I have been home alone now all day with a 2 month old baby. I am absolutely furious. He has done this once before when I was pregnant, and promised me he would never do it again. He doesn't usually drink and when he does he gets in a right state and always ends up throwing up and really unwell for the next couple of days.

AIBU to tell him to stay with his friend and not bother coming home? We had planned a nice day out for the bank holiday tomorrow but I'm too angry to spend it with him now.

OP posts:
Putyourdamnshoeson · 01/05/2023 07:55

GoodChat · 01/05/2023 07:51

You'd have been phoning the police if he'd not returned home after 5 hours, having said he'd be gone for 2? That's insane.

Show quote history

Honestly, I would too. But that is because DH would never do that without letting me know beforehand. Not that I would insist, he just wouldn't. Not least because the one time this sort of thing happened (worse, because we were doe to catch a train) he had been knocked off his bike and was in hospital with his jaw bone hanging out if his face.
If it is normal for a person then you wouldn't worry, if it isn't, then you might and every second counts. The police would tell you to do one, but I'd love it and be ringing hospitals.

Landlubber2019 · 01/05/2023 07:59

JustDanceAddict · Today 07:30

i knew someone who ‘threatened’ divorce too many times - husband said ‘ok then’ - moral is don’t make threats you don’t want to follow through on

^ I hope the pisshead manchild is threatened with divorce, I hope he agrees. Both the op and his daughter deserve better than living with an inconsiderate drunk teetotaler.

WillowtreeHouse · 01/05/2023 08:04

It's not the fact that he's pissed that would annoy me, it's the fact that he's fucked off for the day after saying he'd be back in a couple of hours. Even if he changed his mind while he was there, the very least you should expect is a phonecall to let you know. When you live with someone else, even if you don't have children, you still should have enough respect for that person to keep them in the picture.

HumanBurrito · 01/05/2023 08:10

He has done this twice in under a year. Get rid OP.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 01/05/2023 08:13

Giselletheunicorn · 30/04/2023 19:49

I'd be absolutely livid if my DH left me for 8 hours with a tiny baby whilst he went out a spontaneous all-day bender with mates. I'm shocked that many of the posters on here don't think that's out of order. It's selfish, juvenile behaviour and shows a complete lack of consideration.

Agreed! I'm amazed so many people seem to think this is fine, and even more amazed that at least one poster thinks the best way to react is to leave irresponsible hungover father in charge of tiny baby while mother swans off somewhere else. This man is a parent now. He needs to grow up and act more responsibly.

Ladysquamy · 01/05/2023 08:18

Well, he's obviously not teetotal... if he's getting so drunk he can't walk or talk, he needs to go to AA. He needs to grow up a bit now he's a parent.

Liveafr · 01/05/2023 08:26

The only way this is forgiveable is if he apologises profusely today AND cleans up his vomit and everything AND makes it up to her by taking DD off her hands the next entire weekend so she can have a nice relaxing fun weekend childfree AND never does it again. Otherwise he's completely disrespectful and I think the op should think long and hard about the future of this relationship.

Violasaremyfavourite · 01/05/2023 08:32

Your partner is obviously not teetotal. I can't imagine why you risked your back moving the disgusting drunk upstairs. I would have left him in the hallway. At best, I would have thrown a duvet over him. I'm thinking you can't imagine my worst. But you do need to give up the idea that he is teetotal - if he's teetotal I am a 6 foot tall supermodel with a 24 inch waist. He probably says he is teetotal because he has a complete inability to handle alcohol.

qpmz · 01/05/2023 08:34

I thought you were overreacting until I read you've got a newborn baby.

PatchworkElmer · 01/05/2023 08:37

Really shocked at how many people think you’re BU! It’s really not acceptable to not be in contact, turn a quick coffee into a bender and be so drunk you have to be carried to bed. He has responsibilities to his family and he should have more respect for you than to leave you waiting like this.

DH and I do both occasionally drink but I’m of the opinion that if you have young children you should always have the capacity to act if something happened. He’d be no good to you or baby in that state.

Have a day without him and see what he’s like when you get home.

SkyandSurf · 01/05/2023 08:38

He's not teetotal.

He's a drunk who is falling off the wagon in spectacular fashion.

Get him into a program, don't let him minimise this as 'laddish' behaviour.

RuthTopp · 01/05/2023 08:41

Lets hope when he wakes up he has the hangover from hell .
I'd be livid to be treated like this . He has no respect for you.
If your parents are close by and you get on well , go spend the day there.

HowcanIgetoutofthisalive · 01/05/2023 08:42

I wonder what he would say if the shoe was on the other foot?! You go out for 'coffee' leaving baby with him and roll in so drunk you can't function 8 hours later and knowing you'll be unable to function properly the next day?

How fucking inconsiderate. He's an arse. I don't care if he's 'only done it once/twice'. Some men are absolute shits

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 01/05/2023 08:44

rhaenyra01 · 30/04/2023 19:44

@Reallyareyousure @PinkiOcelot @MXVIT I know it's not late but he has told me he won't come home tonight. I said it more to show him how annoyed he was but he readily agreed he won't come home.

Why are you whinging when you told him to stay out. You sound controlling and melting so I don't blame him for not coming home. Or for drinking.

WillowtreeHouse · 01/05/2023 08:48

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 01/05/2023 08:44

Why are you whinging when you told him to stay out. You sound controlling and melting so I don't blame him for not coming home. Or for drinking.

Show quote history

Have you read the whole thread @ThickSkinnedSoWhat ?

ShippingForecastMeditator · 01/05/2023 08:49

My ExDP did this a couple of times when our DD was around the same age and it turned out he was struggling with the responsibility of being a dad. We'd had a very wild lifestyle before DD was born and although she was planned (and I stopped drinking for a year before she was conceived), neither of us had appreciated the huge upheaval of our usual routines and lifestyle. I, being female, had to adjust and get on with it but he started going to the pub instead of coming home straight after work.

Sadly this wasn't the only sign of his inability to grow up and I'm disappointed to say I wasted another ten years on the prick before giving up. I'd recommend not waiting that long OP.

portugalq · 01/05/2023 08:52

How are things this morning @rhaenyra01?

DonnaBanana · 01/05/2023 08:53

His lack of communication is disrespectful but at the same time so many of you make it sound like having a day with a baby alone is some massive chore. It’s fantastic spending a day alone with baby.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 01/05/2023 08:56

brunettemic · 30/04/2023 22:49

Yep!

Show quote history

I lived with a functioning alcoholic/binge drinker and I coped, why can't you? Don't you know it's a woman's lot to look after babies and clear up her man's vomit? What a fuss about nothing. Hmm

Incredible.

Original poster
rhaenyra01 · 01/05/2023 08:59

portugalq · 01/05/2023 08:52

How are things this morning @rhaenyra01?

@portugalq i had to go into the spare room to get some baby bits, found him on his phone. He asked if I was going to speak to him today, asked him if he had anything to say to me first. He said “what, sorry?” Told him I’d been expecting more than that. Getting me and baby ready now to head out for the day.

OP posts:
WillowtreeHouse · 01/05/2023 09:00

DonnaBanana · 01/05/2023 08:53

His lack of communication is disrespectful but at the same time so many of you make it sound like having a day with a baby alone is some massive chore. It’s fantastic spending a day alone with baby.

You have no idea what the OPs circumstances are, other than what you have been told in a few short posts. She may find it wonderful. She may find it really hard. Not every baby is the same and I'm delighted you found it fantastic, but had I read this post 19 years ago when DS cried all day every day and I was in the midst of PND, a comment like yours would have made me feel even more spectacularly shit than I already did. Be careful with your words.

ElsieMc · 01/05/2023 09:01

Well op, as expected you have the usual low-bar, cool girl responses here. Those who just love being left alone with a new baby for hours on end, with the worry of not knowing where her partner is, no contact, no call, just a paralytic drunken 6 ft mess. This man has caused you worry, anxiety and upset, he thought only of himself, not you, not your dd. His mates dumped him in a terrible state on you so he can now luxuriate in his stinking vomity bed while op is left alone again over a BH she has been looking forward to. Pity you can't mail order these men because there would be a stampede here on MN.

Hope you and your dd are okay today op. Get a bit of family support please.

NotAHouse · 01/05/2023 09:03

Some of the posters here have a very very very low bar.

Good luck today, OP. Big hugs.

spidersenses · 01/05/2023 09:04

Gettingbysomehow · 01/05/2023 07:41

Can you imagine if a new mum left the baby and went incommunicado for 8 hours before coming home blind drunk and incapable of any childcare for the next 2 days!!!! Everyone would say she's unfit to be a mother but for some reason it's OK for men.

This!!! What he's done is disgusted, selfish and inconsiderate. Don't let him minimise OP. Sending hugs. You have every right to be very upset and disappointed.

WillowtreeHouse · 01/05/2023 09:04

ElsieMc · 01/05/2023 09:01

Well op, as expected you have the usual low-bar, cool girl responses here. Those who just love being left alone with a new baby for hours on end, with the worry of not knowing where her partner is, no contact, no call, just a paralytic drunken 6 ft mess. This man has caused you worry, anxiety and upset, he thought only of himself, not you, not your dd. His mates dumped him in a terrible state on you so he can now luxuriate in his stinking vomity bed while op is left alone again over a BH she has been looking forward to. Pity you can't mail order these men because there would be a stampede here on MN.

Hope you and your dd are okay today op. Get a bit of family support please.

100% this.

What some people accept as normal is worrying. I would not be happy to be treated so poorly and I will be making sure that my daughter does not think it's ok to accept being treated like shit by a partner.