To tell DP not to bother coming home

[rhaenyra01]

My partner went out just before midday today for a coffee with a couple of mates, said he would be back in a couple of hours. Fast forward to 6pm, no sign of him, messaged asking when is he coming home and I'll start making tea. No reply. I phoned multiple times as it's not like him to not message me through the day when we're apart, never got a response.

I ended up messaging his friend who he went out with, asking if he was ok and if he knew where he was. His friend told me that he'd gone home, but my partner had stayed out with his other friend, and gone to watch the football.

I messaged my partner to say thanks for letting me know what you're doing, basically told him how pissed off I was, he eventually replied a nonsensical message so obviously drunk. I said to him if he was drunk he needn't bother coming home. His reply was "i'm sorry I'll stay out then".

Bearing in mind I have been home alone now all day with a 2 month old baby. I am absolutely furious. He has done this once before when I was pregnant, and promised me he would never do it again. He doesn't usually drink and when he does he gets in a right state and always ends up throwing up and really unwell for the next couple of days.

AIBU to tell him to stay with his friend and not bother coming home? We had planned a nice day out for the bank holiday tomorrow but I'm too angry to spend it with him now.

I met my dds father when he was in recovery for alcoholism. He was teetotal - and then he wasn't. I went through this scenario more times than I care to count, and ended up wasting 10 years of my life on the prick. Please don't do this, OP. My dd is 26 now, and my only regret is the huge waste of time trying to fix him and give him the family he always said he wanted. Turns out he didn't give a fuck, and my daughter hasn't seen him for over 15 years, her choice.
Think very carefully how you want this to progress.

So he called your bluff. I would have too.

Why are you whinging when you told him to stay out. You sound controlling and melting so I don't blame him for not coming home. Or for drinking.

@ThickSkinnedSoWhat you have a very apt user name. Are you completely lacking in social awareness and empathy? The OP has a very young baby. It is NEVER OK to say you are going out for two hours for a coffee, then get blind drunk and be incommunicado when you are a parent, especially when your partner has recently had a baby.

Or are you the partner in question?

Your post is nasty and unnecessary. Putting the boot in when someone is down is bullying behaviour.

Have you read the OP's updates @Mortimercat?

Ideally OP, you may be better off leaving this marriage.
His behaviour is familiar to many of us and typically means you're looking at a life that can be great between incidents, but where there's little peace of mind because you've no way of knowing when the next one will occur, and how bad it will be.
It may be Christmas Eve and Christmas day will be ruine. It might be on the last day of your holiday and he's awol with your passports. It might be at a funeral of someone close to you. Over time, the worry, resentment, and attempts to police him will wear you down.
However, your baby is young, his behaviour is new, so understandably I doubt you'll think this is the time. There will probably be many nights like last night ahead of you, until he finally does the thing you can't forgive, or you simply have enough.
So, my advice is to try to get some harm minimisation plan in place. Ideally a commitment not to drink again (which might buy you until the Christmas socialising) but perhaps more realistically, an agreement of no unplanned drinking, so at least if you know its coming you can prepare.

Would you also need to be carried home unable to walk or speak by your mates?

Very well said.

OP - you have done absolutely nothing wrong. Having a baby this young is so so demanding and can leave you feeling lonely, exhausted and sometimes depressed. Having a supporting relationship where both parties help and respect each other is critical.

the cool-girl, low-bar posters here who are calling you controlling etc seem to be devoid of any empathy and clearly have little understanding of the dynamics and subsequent benefits of a strong relationship.

you on the other hand are setting your child a fantastic example (even at two months old!) of how to be a strong parent. Well done.

How long have you been with him OP? He doesn’t sound like he’s mature enough to be in a serious relationship, never mind have a baby.

There’s no issue with extending a night out, but people in committed relationships let their partner know. Parents of young children check in at home and make sure everything is ok before they carry on with their night. Sometimes you don’t get to carry on with your night out. If you do and you’ve got plans the next day, you don’t get drunk. That’s just being a responsible adult and considerate partner.

The attitude from him this morning was disgusting.

You’re right to expect better, it’s not about stopping him from going out or being controlling. It’s just wanting to be with in a grown up relationship. When you are in a committed relationship and/or have kids, you plan things, you communicate, you show consideration. It’s actually very easy to do. He sounds like he just doesn’t give a fuck, he’ll do what he wants and talk you around later with a few promises of it never happening again.

It most likely will and only you can decide what that means for your relationship.

I would be infuriated by his response this morning tbh. YANBU to be upset that he stayed out for so long without any sort of communication, and came home in such a state. However, he doesn't seem very happy with family life and I think there are bigger problems ahead that you both need to address if you want to stay together. Not telling you his plans changed, not answering your calls and messages, not caring when you told him not to come home, not caring that you are upset this morning - very contemptuous.

I put up with this sort of behaviour for years with my ex. It was only ever 2 or 3 times a year but as the children got older it became more of an issue as he was not just letting me down when we had plans but the kids too.
I got out and have been happily married for the past 10 years to someone who respects and values me. I wish I had left a lot sooner.

I think it is inconsiderate to say you are going out for two hours and then going incommunicado for over 8. If DH did something like that I would worry that he'd been in an accident. It isn't controlling to want someone to text 'Going to the football with friend, will be out a lot longer', it isn't asking permission, its basic good manners to let people know so they can go ahead and eat lunch or cook dinner and not worry their partner/room mate/child/husband is dead in a ditch somewhere.

Embarrassing that he had to be carried home before 10pm! How old is he? He has a child and needs to GROW UP.

His response this morning is a red flag - deflecting it on to you like you're the one being a d*ck, not him. Being completely devoid of any remorse shows this will undoubtedly happen again

Absolutely this.

This is making me so sad and bringing up memories. Please have the self respect to either dump him or give him a REAL ultimatum. I promise you it will get worse if he gets away with this.

He's a total loser.

That poor baby with a father like that.

Don't allow this to be her childhood.

Get away.

Reach out to family for support.

I would be a absolutely spitting feathers if DH went out before midday for coffee and said he would be a couple of hours, and then disappears! No updates, no texts nothing.

I actually wouldn't care if plans changed and DH decided to go out drinking but its the lack of respect for the not telling you he had changed the plans I find disgusting.

You are right to be mad OP, and I wouldn't be trusting him to go out again. Next time he says he's going for "coffee" I would act and expect him not to come back as agreed. Less stress that way.

@rhaenyra01

Next bank holiday weekend - he stays in with baby, and you go out with your pals. Winner!

oh and your partner obviously isn’t tee- total. Maybe he just felt he had to say that cos you are?

@billy1966

op said herself that he drinks very very rarely

So why would it be the baby’s “childhood”?

So why would it be the baby’s “childhood”?

Because OP never knows when "D"P will go on a bender next and will spend her life scared to make plans in case "D"P ruins them. Because the baby will grow up watching daddy go on benders and ruining holidays and outings by doing so. Because the baby will grow up with mummy resenting daddy for his drinking and learn that marriage means resent and co-dependancy. Because the baby will miss out on things, either because daddy ruined them with his drinking or mummy didn't dare to plan them in the first place.

Winner? How does that solve OPs issue of having an inconsiderate, thoughtless partner.

Adult relationships aren’t fixed with these childish tit for tat games that you suggest.

He clearly has a drink problem.

So a father who vacillates between calling himself teetotal🙄 and being carried home by friends, having gone out with a friend for a few hours, to being MIA, is not someone with a healthy relationship with drink IMO.

They have a 2 month old baby and this really isn't the behaviour of a man who is stepping up, as is his attempts to make out it is she who has a problem..."sorry ..what?"

The OP deserves better and with behaviour like this around drink, it invariably gets worse, not better.

The state he was carried home in, is not the state of someone who is taking fatherhood seriously.

I certainly wouldn't want this to be a regular occurrence around any child.

He has already done it before, promised not to and done it again.

Having to promise not to behave a certain way AGAIN, means it must be pretty bad.

@LuluCurl
@billy1966

he should have kept in touch yes

but going out on the drink every so often and letting off some steam hardly makes someone an alcoholic

and when it’s as infrequent as op says it is not going to effect the child. If is was once a week yes but once every six months or so - no.

I would be annoyed too. If he had been honest, you could have planned to do something yourself with your baby/ family/ friends. I stead you've been elft twiddling your thumbs because he wasn't honest and had no respect for your time.

"Winner!"

My god, some women are willing to accept mud.

The bar is low for many women. But that poster makes some odd inconsistent posts on here. 😬