To refuse to do pointless domestic tasks and just read my book?

[Nereides]

I’m absolutely sick of DH whinging at me. The garden needs weeding, the windows need cleaning, kids toys need tidying and pairing up in sets, old toys need taking to the charity shop, outgrown clothes need bagging up, the junk cupboard needs cleaning out, the car needs washing, the bathroom ceiling needs repainting, etc. None of the things he’s whinging about are urgent or even essential, and imo they can be ignored pretty much indefinitely.

I want to read a book, or paint a picture, or watch a movie, or take DC for a bike ride. Currently I’m sitting reading and DH is moaning that I’m lazy and stuff needs doing. With a boring part time job and two kids to look after I have very limited time for myself, and he wants me to spend it on tasks that aren’t important or fulfilling. Personally I don’t give a shit that the old toys need chucking out - I want to read my book. I’m not bothered if I’m driving a muddy car - I want to finish painting my portrait.

DH is yelling that this stuff might not be fulfilling but it’s essential. But if I spend my limited free time doing pointless “essential” shit like sorting toys and washing the car, when am I actually supposed to live my life and derive any enjoyment from it? Am I supposed to feel fulfilled by having a slightly tidier house or a cleaner car? With limited free time I have to choose what I spend it on, and I choose to read my book rather than sorting out piles of old clothes.

I should point out that I do a lot of essential stuff already. I wash the kids, help with homework, drive them around, read to them. I do laundry, cook, wash dishes, hoover, clean the bathroom. The basics of survival. But I don’t want to do any more than that. I particularly don’t want to do unnecessary tasks like cleaning out the junk cupboard, at the expense of reading my book. It’s like he wants my entire life to be drudgery with no mental stimulation at all.

AIBU to tell him to fuck off and just continue reading my book while the rain washes my car?

And what are women told to do in that circumstance? Lower their standards and get a cleaner.

The 2 of you do not sound very compatible. There is nothing wrong either of your perspectives , but probably you both would be happier in an environment with someone who shared those perspective.

Like you, I enjoy reading and painting, but like your husband , I prefer to do those things in a clean and orderly environment.

He finishes work at 5. But he chooses to not leave the office till 6.15. He isn’t getting paid overtime but he wants the brownie points. I’ve said for years that he needs to leave at 5 and get home to do his share with the kids, but it falls on deaf ears. If he’s out till 10 it’s hobbies not work. He goes to his activities straight from work.

Get a cleaner to take some of the burden off

I'm with you about the toys... so what if they're mixed up! Or get the kids to sort them.
And I rarely wash my car...living in a seaside town with seagulls makes it soul destroying! Other things get done when I get annoyed with it. But like you, the basics get done regularly
My ex used to bang on about "stuff" needing doing, but we both worked full-time and were knackered,at the end of the day, with me having the lion's share of childcare duties too.
I don't know what he answer is; I'm lucky now, I guess, as my children are all adult and left home, and my new husband is retired and does the majority of domestic duties, as I still work full-time.(Term-time) He sees it as only fair, but we both still have time to do what we want, as well.

Maybe try to see reading your book as a reward to yourself when you've done some tasks?....write a list and cross them off...doesn't have to be all at once!..then it's your time. 😊

so OP's DH basically has free time from 5.30pm-10pm monday - friday which is 22 hours, twice a week it might be clients for 2-3 hours say 6 hours still leaves him 16 hours free time, plus he got a 4 hour lie in this morning as not up till 9am total 20 hours) when op was up at 5am , OP reports 1 hours free time a night so this week she has had 5 hours plus today she has done nothing but read since 9am so about 6 hours so far to my mind so far this week she has had 11 hours free time and he had had 20 and somehow she is wrong

@Nereides

I would ignore him. In fact he has a real cheek! You have been awake since 5am and went to bed at 9pm, to parent your children! Whilst he lays in until 9am, plays golf during the week and chooses to work later than he needs to. Where is your down time? You are essentially working full time plus doing the majority of parenting/house work.

Read your book. Tell him if these jobs are so important he can do them, but the passive/aggressive behaviour needs to stop.

I think you're mis-reading.

He's the one doing those things at weekends, OP is the one who would rather sit on the sofa and read. Understandably so given her updates, but the OP is very different to the later posts.

Is he working 9 till 7 or 9 till 10?
He works 9 till 5. Chooses to stay at the office till 6.15, dumping the kids on me against my wishes. And he gets home at 7.

Sometimes he goes to a hobby or socialising till 10. Occasionally it’s a work dinner or an overnight business trip, but that’s still socialising isn’t it. I’m certainly not sitting in a restaurant in peace and quiet getting served dinner, so I regard it as socialising not work.

He sounds like he views you as an employee.

Tell him to raise your failings as a housekeeper at your next performance review, at which point you'll consider all your options including resignation. Maybe the job just isn't a good fit?

OP, I think you need to start a new thread in relationships.

Your OP and your updates paint two very different pictures.

I’m with you OP. My DH is exactly the same and it drives me nuts. I work part time and do pretty much 100% of house stuff all week. So when I’m not working I’m cleaning, cooking, doing laundry, walking the dog, ferrying children around. At the weekend or bank holidays I just want to get a bit of downtime from the endless chores because let’s be honest there’s always a job to do!

If I so much as sit on the sofa he will try and give me a task. I barely sit down all week. Today it was power jetting the decking. He also has this habit of forcing me to do a job. So he’ll decide he wants to sort the coat rack out. I don’t care. He gets all the coats and throws them on the kitchen floor (adding to the mess I’ve spent all week trying to keep on top of). Thereby forcing me to do that task. We have had many arguments about it.

I think the sorting of the coat rack happened on Boxing Day. Just after I’d cooked Christmas dinner for his family yet again and just wanted to sit on my sofa in my PJs eating chocolate and watching films like everyone else on Boxing Day. No - let’s have a fun day sorting the coats.

He argues it’s because he’s at work all week so wants to be in the house getting stuff done at weekends and bank holidays. My argument is that I’ve spent all week doing boring household stuff because no other bugger helps and I need some break at the weekend.

His favourite thing to do is clean the garage. I mean the kitchen is a tip but yes you go and clean the garage..

You have my sympathies OP

Why doesn't he get up with them in the am?
Because he’s lazy. He’s worked all week so he won’t get up on the weekend. Even though I’ve been up the exact same time as him every day to get the kids ready for school. He does nothing on a week morning either, he’s too busy doing his hair and matching his outfit for work to have time to help get the kids ready.

He’s taking the absolute piss.

Sounds like he’d rather do anything than spend time with his wife and kids, including sorting toys into “matching” piles. Sad.

Of course you should read your book! We all need time to relax, and none of these tasks are "essential". I think some people get way too hung up on the drudgery of this stuff - none of is is going to be on our deathbed wishing we had done more chores, we'll be wishing we had done far less and enjoyed life instead.

What ALL the jobs? Like pairing toys? Cleaning windows? There’s always a job to do.

This.

I read threads like this and I look to heaven and say “hallelujah that I don’t have to put up with shit like this”

single parent
tween and teen

so chilled and happy. No one telling me what to do and my children don’t have to endure tension, arguments and fraught weekends

bliss

Either you nor your husband seem to like each other OP. In fact… you seem to despise him, it drips from your posts

Neither

Nope I’m not the one who’s misreading. He’s not doing this stuff he’s just whinging OP hasn’t done it, while staying in bed til 9 when the OP is up at 5am with the kids.

I agree with the PP. Post this in relationships.

Why are you with him? What does he add to you? It appears that you are there to facilitate his life, you are an employee that he gets to bark orders to.

You can’t stand him op

and he doesn’t seem that keen on you

what kind of an atmosphere is this like for your children?

That's not what she said earlier - the narrative has changed as the thread has gone on.

Originally she said she was on the sofa watching The Lion King while here DH was sorting all the toys out.

Drip, drip, drip……