To refuse to do pointless domestic tasks and just read my book?

[Nereides]

I’m absolutely sick of DH whinging at me. The garden needs weeding, the windows need cleaning, kids toys need tidying and pairing up in sets, old toys need taking to the charity shop, outgrown clothes need bagging up, the junk cupboard needs cleaning out, the car needs washing, the bathroom ceiling needs repainting, etc. None of the things he’s whinging about are urgent or even essential, and imo they can be ignored pretty much indefinitely.

I want to read a book, or paint a picture, or watch a movie, or take DC for a bike ride. Currently I’m sitting reading and DH is moaning that I’m lazy and stuff needs doing. With a boring part time job and two kids to look after I have very limited time for myself, and he wants me to spend it on tasks that aren’t important or fulfilling. Personally I don’t give a shit that the old toys need chucking out - I want to read my book. I’m not bothered if I’m driving a muddy car - I want to finish painting my portrait.

DH is yelling that this stuff might not be fulfilling but it’s essential. But if I spend my limited free time doing pointless “essential” shit like sorting toys and washing the car, when am I actually supposed to live my life and derive any enjoyment from it? Am I supposed to feel fulfilled by having a slightly tidier house or a cleaner car? With limited free time I have to choose what I spend it on, and I choose to read my book rather than sorting out piles of old clothes.

I should point out that I do a lot of essential stuff already. I wash the kids, help with homework, drive them around, read to them. I do laundry, cook, wash dishes, hoover, clean the bathroom. The basics of survival. But I don’t want to do any more than that. I particularly don’t want to do unnecessary tasks like cleaning out the junk cupboard, at the expense of reading my book. It’s like he wants my entire life to be drudgery with no mental stimulation at all.

AIBU to tell him to fuck off and just continue reading my book while the rain washes my car?

You are so right. All that stuff really is unfulfilled and boring. I hate it too.

But I hate it that my bedroom is a mess and actually downright dirty and yet I simply cannot be arsed to do anything about it. It niggles at me ( as does the weeding,the hoovering, cleaning generally etc etc) so I do it. If it genuinely didn't bother me I wouldn't do it, but it does bother me.

From OP's posts - he works full-time and doesn't get home until 7pm, and is then spending his weekends doing the mundane crap that OP doesn't want to do. OP works part-time and thinks she shouldn't have to do any boring tasks at the weekend because she's too tired.

So what exactly is he opting out of? Have I missed something?

I'm with you OP. Life's too short. My DH is even less concerned/more lazy than me though, so while the house is a bit of a tip, at least we're both happy to ignore it. Probably need to do some communicating with your DH & try to come to some sort of compromise to keep the peace. I couldn't live with someone who cared so much about such things tbh, but you loved each other enough to marry and start a family, so best to try and work it out.

What was he doing until 10pm - working or socialising? I think it makes a difference.

Tell him to fuck off and do it himself. Peopleike that gradually destroy your soul.
I'm single but have a gruelling job that takes up all of my time. I'm staying in my PJs today because it's raining and reading on my kindle. I'm not doing anything else today. I'm tired and just want to relax.

I’ve been up since 5 oclock with the kids. Which meant I had to go to sleep at 9 oclock last night. While DH was watching tv till midnight and didn’t get up till 9 this morning.

By the time he got up I had entertained the kids since 5 o’clock, showered and fed them, did some ironing while they watched tv and made a cooked breakfast for him. Then he starts whinging because I’m reading my book instead of joining him in doing whatever unimportant shit he thinks needs doing. I’ve already done my share before he even got out of bed! He literally expects me to have no free time at all.

He gets home from work at 7 pm or 10 pm and you don't chip in to help with the household chores you listed? I'd be unimpressed if I were your DH

Talk about competitive drudgery ...

Yes there's a balance but equally I couldn't live with someone who is constantly doing jobs. I clean my car about once a year. Fair enough if others like doing theirs weekly but there's not a chance I am.

That's not really how you presented it in your OP.

What does he say when you tell him that?

Much as it must drive your DH insane - there comes a point where clutter and the non-essential stuff actually begin to effect your day to day life.
I'm sure there are many who would love to employ a declutterer but they don't have any personal attachment to your belongings so it is easy for them to ditch stuff. Maybe as a halfway meeting point as has already been suggested you pick an hour or two together to blitz one area. Whether that is throwing rubbish away, putting outgrown clothes in a charity bag, or cleaning the windows - you do it together and then stop.
Sometimes the analogy of How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time! would help here. When sorting the laundry - and it's clean/dry/ironed - actually put it away where it belongs in wardrobes and drawers. Is something too small or not fit for purpose - put into a charity bag and drop it off next time you go to your boring part time job!! Pay a decorator if you can't be bothered for the ceiling!! Ditto the car - take it to be valeted and read your book while you wait.
If you need your books and hobbies to escape from a boring life - then make it more interesting! Get a new job! A fresh outlook can give you the energy and drive to do the stuff that comes around to kick you in the butt once in a while. And do stuff with your husband and kids as a family - be it jobs, going to the park, or yes!! cleaning the cars - you can make fun out of the boring and inane stuff. If the kids don't put games away properly then dump the odds and ends in a box and make them sort stuff back into full sets - they will learn the value of looking after their own belongings. Much as we would all like to be ladies of leisure - unfortunately we don't all have that luxury - so you need to find a happy medium for everyone.

I have struggled with the push and pull of housework v living my whole existence. I love a clean, tidy and organised home but hate doing it! I live alone so it is only my mess which means that to an extent I can choose to ignore it, but as people have said, it does tend to mount up. I do the essentials every day, (clean sink, basin, toilet, make bed, dishes, worktops) and every few days I do a task that needs seeing to. I time limit the task, I am currently doing a bit of a clothes sort out, need to do some weeding, and have to set my mind to finding a window cleaner. So I allow a chunk of time for the boring tasks and then reward myself with a few chapters from my book. I love reading above and beyond anything and am also doing a writing course. I plan my writing when I am doing all the boring cleaning stuff. Sometimes I set a timer and see how much I can get done in an allocated time span, racing against myself can be motivating

Rest is important. As the saying goes, you can’t pour from an empty cup. OP needs to recharge now more than sorting through old clothes etc. It also sounds like part time means OP works during school hours everyday rather than having a day off during the week. Recharging can often give the energy to get through annoying chores, which often isn’t the case of the reverse.

Only you and your husband know if you genuinely do your fair share of the housework (it sounds like you do but I had to say it). I must say if my husband tried to micromanage me while I was taking a break for a couple of hours I’d be furious. There is always some housework you could be getting on with. If you can’t relax and do a hobby for a couple of hours because you know that there is some weeding to do, it’s not healthy.

Was going to say this!

I find it fulfilling clearing out a junk cupboard and getting rid of old clothes. Getting things OUT. Love it!

Also love painting and making music and crafting.

The problem is DH being pissed off with you for not doing things. Mine would never dare because he knows if he whined at me, I would be stubborn and not do the jobs he wants me to do ever again 😄

He doesn't value what you do as a job or a mother because he brings in more money. Superficial things like a clean car and a spotless house are hugely important to him. You sound pretty incompatible to me tbh.

Tell him that if he spent as much time doing the stuff he is telling you to do then it might all be done.

Yes it’s our house. No I’m not interested in it in the slightest. DH picked the sofa and bedding etc, I wasn’t bothered as long as we had something to sit on and sleep under. He picked my car too, I don’t care as long as it goes when I put my foot down. Now he’s talking about repainting the kitchen to a more trendy colour and I’m just like, but we have cupboards and they work so why is that necessary?

I haven't washed my car since last summer.

YANBU OP. Live your life. As long as things are reasonablely safe and hygienic who cares. Succumbing to endless tedious domestic drudgery is a life poorly lived imo.

@Nereides

But now you're changing the narrative.

Is he working 9 till 7 or 9 till 10?

Why doesn't he get up with them in the am?

If he's working 14 hour days out of the home then yeah, you will have to do most of the housework and childcare during the week unless, as I said, he also goes part time

At the weekend you should both get a fair split of childcare, housework and downtime

He could equally say, I've done my bit during the week by working long days

It's my turn for down time at the weekend

If he's only working 9 to 5 during the week then you need to stop enabling him to not come home till 10.

Er yes. He’s opting out of chores. Just because you have a dick and FT job doesn’t mean that all chores including weeding, window cleaning, car washing fall to your partner.

Everyone has to do boring household shit on the weekend.

OP, I think you’re someone who can live like a slob and he isn’t. And that’s it basically.

He’s usually at work till 7, but this week he was out 4x till 10 oclock. He took a client to dinner, went to the golf driving range with a friend, went to his brass band practice, and had a night out with his colleagues. So he didn’t even see the kids from Monday bedtime till Saturday morning. Then he’s whinging at me for reading my book on Saturday when there’s chores that need doing. If they’re so important why didn’t he come home and do them every night this week?

To be fair, he does all of these things regularly but they don’t usually fall on the same week. It’s usually a maximum of 2 nights a week that he’s home late.

There's always one of these 'the poor mens' posts.

They are SO tedious, and they are also complete bollocks.

there are a few posters here clearly outraged that a woman with a husband and kids ISN'T running herself ragged!

you enjoy your book OP, maybe have a glass of wine too? 🍷