To refuse to do pointless domestic tasks and just read my book?

[Nereides]

I’m absolutely sick of DH whinging at me. The garden needs weeding, the windows need cleaning, kids toys need tidying and pairing up in sets, old toys need taking to the charity shop, outgrown clothes need bagging up, the junk cupboard needs cleaning out, the car needs washing, the bathroom ceiling needs repainting, etc. None of the things he’s whinging about are urgent or even essential, and imo they can be ignored pretty much indefinitely.

I want to read a book, or paint a picture, or watch a movie, or take DC for a bike ride. Currently I’m sitting reading and DH is moaning that I’m lazy and stuff needs doing. With a boring part time job and two kids to look after I have very limited time for myself, and he wants me to spend it on tasks that aren’t important or fulfilling. Personally I don’t give a shit that the old toys need chucking out - I want to read my book. I’m not bothered if I’m driving a muddy car - I want to finish painting my portrait.

DH is yelling that this stuff might not be fulfilling but it’s essential. But if I spend my limited free time doing pointless “essential” shit like sorting toys and washing the car, when am I actually supposed to live my life and derive any enjoyment from it? Am I supposed to feel fulfilled by having a slightly tidier house or a cleaner car? With limited free time I have to choose what I spend it on, and I choose to read my book rather than sorting out piles of old clothes.

I should point out that I do a lot of essential stuff already. I wash the kids, help with homework, drive them around, read to them. I do laundry, cook, wash dishes, hoover, clean the bathroom. The basics of survival. But I don’t want to do any more than that. I particularly don’t want to do unnecessary tasks like cleaning out the junk cupboard, at the expense of reading my book. It’s like he wants my entire life to be drudgery with no mental stimulation at all.

AIBU to tell him to fuck off and just continue reading my book while the rain washes my car?

He’s using over an hour of his free time every single weekday to do unpaid overtime at work. Then he says it doesn’t count as free time because he was at work. But if he’s choosing to be at work when he doesn’t need to be then that’s his free time! That’s six hours a week of free time that he’s had before we even talk about anything else.

Then he lies in bed both weekend mornings for a good couple of hours, sometimes 3-4 hours. And he’s had free time to watch tv the previous night while I was already asleep because I knew I had to get up early.

And he has probably come home late at least 1-2 times during the week so he’s had another 3hrs of free time per night.

So yes I reckon about 20 hours of free time is right. I’ve never worked it out like this before but you’re right. No wonder I feel like it’s my turn to rest at the weekend, and he’s complaining at me that he’s doing chores so why can’t I. Because he’s already had 20 hours of free time that’s why!

He is doing stuff. But he’s whinging that he wants me to do it too. When imo I’ve already done my share before he even got out of bed.

Whilst you feverishly update this thread op

you could be reading! 😂

I’m hiding in the loo. It’s the only place I don’t get nagged to do stuff.

How old are your children?

they will be aware that their parents hate each other if they’re school age

He thinks he's your manager. That would annoy the fuck out of me tbh.

Why does he get to waltz out of bed at 9 and manage your weekends?

Being a book in

@Tidsleytiddy

are you exaggerating?!
there are literally always jobs to do in a house especially when you have kids

YANBU. If he’s been out 4 nights this week and you’re left doing all the boring grunt work then I think you can kick back once in a while. And yes he needs to step up and parent. And that means leaving work on time too.

Then he lies in bed both weekend mornings for a good couple of hours, sometimes 3-4 hours

What?! Why isn’t he up and doing these jobs then?

Look this just all sounds shit OP. You’re doing most of the childcare, most of the housework, getting none of the free time.. and he’s whining at you?

OP I work roughly the same hours as you, seems like we're in the same boat in that by doing theses hours means you save on cleaners, extra childcare etc... It doesn't mean that this does not get relentlessly boring being on a treadmill constantly! Of course we get the 'luxury' of less working hours but as with most p/t jobs these days you are sometimes squeezing full time hours in to part time. You have my sympathy! Not everyone can be all things to all people, its bloody hard sometimes when you are just treading water. You're other half gets to de-stress via hobbies, not haveling to worry much about being there for pick ups/drop offs, sickness etc...it does get monotonous. Talk to him and come up with a comprise, one night a week you get to have your time for a few hours non negotiable (as his hobbies and client dinners seem to be?)

Stay in there and read your book!

So refreshing to read your post. You do what's important and right and not the pointless endless cleaning and tidying tasks. Assuming he does his fair share of the dull stuff and if he thinks the house needs an extra 10 hours of cleaning and tidying a week, he can knock himself out, since that pointlessness is important to him.

Your DH sounds like a selfish, insufferable twat. I think you should tell him what you've said here though...then tell him to fuck off.

I work in a mostly male environment and see this bs so much. They deliberately stay back at work as to avoid having to do anything at home.

This is in tech so what are these hard working prince of men doing when they stay back? Gossiping, playing video games, watching youtube. They're certainly not working.

I have to ask when you get your free time? To go out and do hobbies or anything without the kids?

I guess you work part time around the kids so you can do the drop off and pick up and run them to any activities, doctor, shopping, etc. while he does none or very little of these things.

He's completely taking the piss. Please don't say you're expected to pay 50/50 on things while he exploits your time and free labour.

He's had his way and has managed you into accepting it for far too long. These hobbies and things I take it he just does and assumes you'll be there to take care of the house and kids.

The only way for it to stop, is to stop doing it and stop putting up with it.

You sound massively resentful of him, op, and I totally get why.

He shouldn't be shouting at you.

How much parenting does he actually do? Sounds like very little.

I'd point out how much free time he has each week and how little you have. It should be equal.

Enjoy your book.

Op also put in her first post all the stuff she does and that she has no interest in pairing up toys or cleaning the car

If he wants to pair up the toys fine, he doesn't get to tell op that she should be doing it though

My husband does spend more time on "project" type boring tasks than I do (eg sorting out a cupboard, washing the car, taking clothes to charity shop etc), and he moans about this periodically. But he wildly underestimates the "routine" boring tasks (thinking of meals, buying food, cooking, laundry, general tidying, never mind active childcare).

I find that going away for 24-48 hours is the only way I can effectively communicate to him just how much I do!

Would it help to agree to spend half a day at the weekend doing these kinds of things to keep the house running smoothly. If you fix that time, you can then relax for the rest of the weekend without him being able to criticise you. Or spend one day of each holiday on it.

I would rather read my book than do almost anything else
But for me it’s about balance

I would make a list of jobs needing done and do so many a week and read the rest of the time

I think the problem here is that he wants to do it now because this is when it's come into his head, whereas you don't want to do it now. Can you put it on your mental calendar for another time of your choosing? (I'm assuming that he will be doing it as well, not just putting you to work). Then he can do it at the right time for him, and you can do it at your preferred time.

I think there is more to this than your letting on. my husband works similar hours and I know for sure actually working. I am at home as work from hom all week. I do majority. however unlike you I like my house. like it looking nice and we both picked the sofa etc. housework is so fucking boring. however you need to keep on top of it. a tidy house means a tidy mind to me. your living areas looking shite and not feeling great has links to depression. you should be happy in yori home it's suppse to be your sanctuary. your not working as a team and are both getting resentful of each other. yes yoi both work hard doing different things. why don't yoi talk to each other ? like this morning we had a short sleep in. he got up and walked the dogs. then he cleaned kitchen and living room (open plan) while i cleaned bathroom and bedroom. we both walked dogs agina as nice day. then he is looking after dinner while I am doing washing and ironing upstairs watching my crap on TV. we will go out this eve to a nice wine bar. homework has been done and we both ge t our down tome. plus as most done today means we can enjoy a relaxing day tomorrow. that works for us. we both live in the house we both do work in the house.

Yabu. It is boring, much of adult life is, we have stuff, stuff makes mess. Kids grow out of stuff quickly. If you don't keep corralling it, it takes hold.
Make a plan, one.weekend on, one weekend off, sometime that.

Yes, I know that.

But a lot of the shit jobs she did list in her OP do need to be done eventually - organising clothes and clearing out junk, for example.

That said, with OP's updates, this is about a lot more than who weeds the garden or pairs the toys.

He has time for himself. You need to carve that out for yourself. It might mean going out. Ideally build a bunker in the garden.