To refuse to do pointless domestic tasks and just read my book?

[Nereides]

I’m absolutely sick of DH whinging at me. The garden needs weeding, the windows need cleaning, kids toys need tidying and pairing up in sets, old toys need taking to the charity shop, outgrown clothes need bagging up, the junk cupboard needs cleaning out, the car needs washing, the bathroom ceiling needs repainting, etc. None of the things he’s whinging about are urgent or even essential, and imo they can be ignored pretty much indefinitely.

I want to read a book, or paint a picture, or watch a movie, or take DC for a bike ride. Currently I’m sitting reading and DH is moaning that I’m lazy and stuff needs doing. With a boring part time job and two kids to look after I have very limited time for myself, and he wants me to spend it on tasks that aren’t important or fulfilling. Personally I don’t give a shit that the old toys need chucking out - I want to read my book. I’m not bothered if I’m driving a muddy car - I want to finish painting my portrait.

DH is yelling that this stuff might not be fulfilling but it’s essential. But if I spend my limited free time doing pointless “essential” shit like sorting toys and washing the car, when am I actually supposed to live my life and derive any enjoyment from it? Am I supposed to feel fulfilled by having a slightly tidier house or a cleaner car? With limited free time I have to choose what I spend it on, and I choose to read my book rather than sorting out piles of old clothes.

I should point out that I do a lot of essential stuff already. I wash the kids, help with homework, drive them around, read to them. I do laundry, cook, wash dishes, hoover, clean the bathroom. The basics of survival. But I don’t want to do any more than that. I particularly don’t want to do unnecessary tasks like cleaning out the junk cupboard, at the expense of reading my book. It’s like he wants my entire life to be drudgery with no mental stimulation at all.

AIBU to tell him to fuck off and just continue reading my book while the rain washes my car?

I love this OP. So refreshing to read on MN where all life must revolve around chores, endlessly, and any hint of a partner enjoying a hobby is LTB-worthy.

I do not believe half of the chores mentioned on MN are remotely urgent or essential and my advice to anyone unhappy that their husband is enjoying some leisure time is to follow his example and take your own leisure time. You will find that the house does not, in fact, fall apart.

Chores fit around my life, not vice versa. A life where chores are the uppermost thing in your mind is not a life I want to lead. The house muddles along fine and is decently clean. DP and I play to our strengths. It's sometimes a bit chaotic but I'd rather that than become someone whose hobby is constant cleaning.

do you think there has always been a big disconnect as to what you both want to prioritise? do you own the house? Do you not get any pleasure from gardening or upkeep of the house? Sounds like your children are still young and need a lot, so doesnt surprise me if your time off is precious and you need to relax.

This. No-one likes the boring shit.

But the boring shit has to be done. On repeat.

if you have a part time jo then there must be time for the crap.

Do 1 hour a day on the crap. I have a full time job and get up early to do the boring essential shit so that in the evenings and on the weekends I can relax. I am relaxing now with wine and MN and Downton abbey. In about an hour I will do the ironing.

Hopefully you both pull your weight and operate like functional adults- it's not just him nagging you. But unless you have a housekeeper and staff you really can't just read books all day and expect a functioning household.

A lot of the tasks you mention are ones that I find it very difficult to get round to, and it stresses me out when they are not. So I get where your husband is coming from.
I get round it by hiring an hourly paid PA/declutterer/organiser who is brilliant; we spend a couple of hours together, we get loads done and it limits the amount of time I have to spend on it. Gradually, the flat gets less cluttered and more pleasant to spend time in for me and my lodger.
I know it's a luxury, but if you can afford it I totally recommend it.

And I completely agree with OP's specific examples. Not one of those things are urgent or essential. I can and do spend time reading books, watching films and playing sport instead of tackling any of them.

You know @Botw1 I think we're bonding. Anyhoo need to go buy plants now but I will be back. Try not to miss me 😘

@pillsthrillsandbellyache

Get your oh to do it.

It’s sounds as though you have a close relationship with the kids. If your husband wants to wash the car instead of spending precious time with you and the kids there’ll come a day when he wishes he could turn back the clock.

We are both going. I do not trust him not to come back with armfuls of French lavender. My garden stinks and will end up hosting thousands of bees. They love the stuff.

Read your book, it's a long weekend and the weather is crap (where I am) so why not sit doing something you enjoy!

He’s at work till about 7.

Well I guess there is downtime...and then there's being lazy.
You have the right to choose.

I would say some of the things you list as not essential ARE essential. Weeding the garden and clearing out junk are.

You only work part time, so do the boring shit during the week. Sundays are for relaxing.

Again, that's not how it works when you choose to live with someone else as part of a couple. You can't just opt out of stuff because it's boring and leave it all to the other person to deal with.

Well, I suppose technically you can, but it's pretty fucking selfish and not a very nice way to treat your partner, IMO.

Yep. I couldn’t stand living in a shit tip.

Why is everyone acting like it has to be one or the other? You can get some jobs done and still have plenty of down-time.

And the tasks she lists might not be urgent, but lots of non-urgent stuff still needs doing on a regular basis, otherwise it becomes overwhelming, or dangerous, or a massive task that could easily have been avoided.

What are his chores?

Well her DH seems to be getting away with it so why shouldn’t she?

So op works while the dc are at school, does all the ferrying around cleaning, laundry ,meals has 2 children who are on melatonin so probably additional needs to look after

Why can't he sort out these non essential things at weekends if he's that bothered

Let him do it if he's so bothered.

Everyone has the right to live their life as they see fit, to prioritise what is important to them in the time they have. The problem here is that you and your DH are not compatible on how you wish to live your lives. You could try to compromise, that will require communication, discussion, agreement. But if not, you are just going to make each other unhappy.

I agree with you about some of the tasks. Nothing wrong with relying on rain to clean the car (other than windows), letting nature take its course on the garden and only intervening partly, for example.

He gets up and goes to work. 1-2 times a week he doesn’t come in till 10, the other evenings he’s in at 7. When he’s in at 7 this is the only time he sees the kids, from 7 till 8 oclock bedtime. He puts them to bed about 3x a week. So I have them from waking up (excluding school time when I’m at work) till at least 8 oclock, five days a week.

This week he was out till 10 four nights out of five. So it seems fair for me to read my book this weekend. It’s his turn to parent. I don’t give a shit if the garden needs digging or the car needs washing, it’s my turn to rest.

Said every lazy man ever.