To refuse to do pointless domestic tasks and just read my book?

[Nereides]

I’m absolutely sick of DH whinging at me. The garden needs weeding, the windows need cleaning, kids toys need tidying and pairing up in sets, old toys need taking to the charity shop, outgrown clothes need bagging up, the junk cupboard needs cleaning out, the car needs washing, the bathroom ceiling needs repainting, etc. None of the things he’s whinging about are urgent or even essential, and imo they can be ignored pretty much indefinitely.

I want to read a book, or paint a picture, or watch a movie, or take DC for a bike ride. Currently I’m sitting reading and DH is moaning that I’m lazy and stuff needs doing. With a boring part time job and two kids to look after I have very limited time for myself, and he wants me to spend it on tasks that aren’t important or fulfilling. Personally I don’t give a shit that the old toys need chucking out - I want to read my book. I’m not bothered if I’m driving a muddy car - I want to finish painting my portrait.

DH is yelling that this stuff might not be fulfilling but it’s essential. But if I spend my limited free time doing pointless “essential” shit like sorting toys and washing the car, when am I actually supposed to live my life and derive any enjoyment from it? Am I supposed to feel fulfilled by having a slightly tidier house or a cleaner car? With limited free time I have to choose what I spend it on, and I choose to read my book rather than sorting out piles of old clothes.

I should point out that I do a lot of essential stuff already. I wash the kids, help with homework, drive them around, read to them. I do laundry, cook, wash dishes, hoover, clean the bathroom. The basics of survival. But I don’t want to do any more than that. I particularly don’t want to do unnecessary tasks like cleaning out the junk cupboard, at the expense of reading my book. It’s like he wants my entire life to be drudgery with no mental stimulation at all.

AIBU to tell him to fuck off and just continue reading my book while the rain washes my car?

I read OP's first post and was definitely thinking she was totally unreasonable.
Having read them all he sounds like a complete idiot.
He has 'hobbies' that keep him out of the house until 10pm, he stays at work by choice with young children at home fgs. He's a waste of bloody oxygen as far as I am concerned.

That is often the way

the Op doesn’t get the response she wants from her Op, so then follows up with posts in order to swing the consensus in support of her

@Bamboozleme maybe, it's a hard one to call.
If what she says (in all of her posts) is true then I would be kicking his arse out of bed at 5.00am every weekend for the foreseeable future.
If she just can't be arsed and leaves everything to him because she wants to read a book then clearly she needs to get her act together.
It's a shame we don't have a third vote - 'You might be being unreasonable'!

Either way… this is a marriage on its knees

“Competitive drudgery” is a good one!
Comments like “I couldn’t possibly sit down until all jobs are done” - from my experience living with kids means jobs are never truly done, there is ongoing to-do-list.
Of course, everyone has different priorities and standards and that’s absolutely fine.
Some of the replies to this particular OP are a bit bizarre though: “I could never live in a shit hole!” - OP did state that she keeps her house reasonably tidy and clean, where does the “shit hole” come from?
Or “If your full time working husband has to give up his job to do chores around the house, you might lose your house, than you can read your book on a park bench!” - implies he’s the one doing everything, juggling job and house work, while she spends most of her time sitting on the sofa reading.
But the way she describes her day it sounds like she’s also doing plenty. It seems like some on here don’t read her comments properly? How can you imply she’s lazy after reading what she actually does do around the house?

But the way she describes her day it sounds like she’s also doing plenty.

let’s be honest, she wasn’t going to describe it any other way was she?! 😂

My dh can be a bit like this. I take my time to myself when he isn’t around to see it. I will always make sure now my kids are at school that I have one day a week that’s for me. He gets time to himself, but because I enjoy my time reading or solving the world’s problems on mumsnet not exercising and doing something he considers productive he gets annoyed. I can be busy doing things for the family on the weekends when it gets noticed.

That’s exactly my feeling too!

Can you add up how much leisure time he gets in average a week / month and then point out to him how much you get? Even stuff like he gets an extra 2 hours of a night because you're in bed early because you do all the night wakings and early mornings.

Some of those jobs ARE essential else you end up living under a pile of outgrown clothes and broken toys but clearly you need down time. Coffee shop for a few hours and he can look after the kids? Sounds like it'll be good for you both

Maybe, but we can only judge the situation based on the way she describes it.

What a shocker, being an adult comes with responsibilities

Life’s short, tell him to piss off and do it himself

@Ndhdiwntbsivnwg

eh?!

My XH was like your DH…always had to be on the go and finding something to do, which drove me nuts.

Life is much more peaceful now I get to choose how I spend my spare time and don’t feel pressured to join in with whatever his nitpick of the week is.

However…

During the pandemic, family circumstances meant a lot of stuff fell by the wayside and I feel like I’m still playing catch up. There is something to be said for keeping on top of things, but little and often is probably better.

I don’t have an answer but your post inspired me. I have a similar life to you (except I stress about the silly little things). Not taking pleasure in life ends up in a poor state of mental health when you’re constantly giving to others.

He shouldn’t be shouting at you and calling you lazy, I’d be concerned by that. No one lays on their death bed wishing they had tidied more

Tell him straight up, if it’s so important to him, he can do it himself. If he’s whining at you that means he expects you to do it.
have a discussion about out dated gender roles & sharing of household responsibilities. Tell him if he will do all the basic household people work then you will tackle His list of tasks.

Does he have OCD?

Read your book, it's so important to find work, life and kids balance. You (and your mental health) matter too.

He’s usually at work till 7, but this week he was out 4x till 10 oclock. He took a client to dinner, went to the golf driving range with a friend, went to his brass band practice, and had a night out with his colleagues

That puts a different slant on the situation. Ask him why he chooses to spend his time enjoying leisure activities instead of coming home to do the ‘essential’ jobs. And why, therefore, is OP not allowed to do the things she enjoys.

I have to say I agree with you. I sound like you, my husband sounds like yours. He never stops, is always tidying etc. I say sit down, relax for a while - especially on a Friday night after work and I’d like to chill out but he’s rushing around everywhere. He says it’s relaxing for him though. Luckily mine doesn’t tell me to do it all though. If he did, I would probably move out 🤣.

For me, it causes issues at times when I say I will do something or want to do something like make the dinner or clean but he doesn’t like to wait and just does it regardless. I think it’s actually because he thinks I don’t do these things to his standard.

Haven't been able to read the full thread, but just wanted to say that it sounds to me like you have a healthy and balanced perspective.

Domestic chores, especially when you have children, are virtually endless, and even if you do manage to get to the end of them, there's always other layers to consider (like some of the tasks listed in your OP - toy pairing, junk cupboard clearing etc.).

I've spent so much of my life cleaning and organising (which luckily I get a bit of pleasure and satisfaction from), but ultimately, it's dreadfully dull.

For years I was like the DH and the DH was (still is) OP. I probably nearly ruined what was left of our marriage, after the kids ruined most of it.

Now I give much less of a shit about all the tasks but i do generally find it hard to just relax at home. I have learned to see it as a bit of a flaw in my character rather than DH being lazy. Although I still sometimes want to beat him around the head with a volume of poetry.

The responses to these posts make me crease. If a man worked part time and didn’t do any of the jobs his full time working wife asked he’d be deemed lazy, taking her for a ride, and a waste of space but when it’s the woman working part time and not pulling her weight everybody backs her cos she needs self care 😂
Imo, yes YABU - you’re talking as though this little list of tasks is something that needs to be done every day. You work part time and if your sons old enough to ride a bike I assume he’s at school, so what are you doing during the day? Sitting and reading can be done of an evening when you’re children are in bed, as can your painting… or during your days off once you’ve done the tasks that are clearly griping your husbands pud because it means he’s living in a messy home whilst working full time to fund your days off. Get the jobs done, one day at a time and then sit and read your book. Even if you spend one hour a day making a dent in one of them it’s at least showing a bit of willing!

My Dh likes being busy. He’s doing up a bike currently. I’m happy to slouch during days off, but if I didn’t do the laundry/vacuuming/dusting, the place would be disastrous.