To refuse to do pointless domestic tasks and just read my book?

[Nereides]

I’m absolutely sick of DH whinging at me. The garden needs weeding, the windows need cleaning, kids toys need tidying and pairing up in sets, old toys need taking to the charity shop, outgrown clothes need bagging up, the junk cupboard needs cleaning out, the car needs washing, the bathroom ceiling needs repainting, etc. None of the things he’s whinging about are urgent or even essential, and imo they can be ignored pretty much indefinitely.

I want to read a book, or paint a picture, or watch a movie, or take DC for a bike ride. Currently I’m sitting reading and DH is moaning that I’m lazy and stuff needs doing. With a boring part time job and two kids to look after I have very limited time for myself, and he wants me to spend it on tasks that aren’t important or fulfilling. Personally I don’t give a shit that the old toys need chucking out - I want to read my book. I’m not bothered if I’m driving a muddy car - I want to finish painting my portrait.

DH is yelling that this stuff might not be fulfilling but it’s essential. But if I spend my limited free time doing pointless “essential” shit like sorting toys and washing the car, when am I actually supposed to live my life and derive any enjoyment from it? Am I supposed to feel fulfilled by having a slightly tidier house or a cleaner car? With limited free time I have to choose what I spend it on, and I choose to read my book rather than sorting out piles of old clothes.

I should point out that I do a lot of essential stuff already. I wash the kids, help with homework, drive them around, read to them. I do laundry, cook, wash dishes, hoover, clean the bathroom. The basics of survival. But I don’t want to do any more than that. I particularly don’t want to do unnecessary tasks like cleaning out the junk cupboard, at the expense of reading my book. It’s like he wants my entire life to be drudgery with no mental stimulation at all.

AIBU to tell him to fuck off and just continue reading my book while the rain washes my car?

The bottom line is, we're all allowed some time off aren't we?

Aren't we?!

No it isn't

Sorting toys and clearing out old ones always gave my kids space to play with what they had.

Mountains of too-young or muddled stuff seemed to create clutter in their minds too

Why is he yelling?

My DH is the same, it creates an horrendous atmosphere so you're cowed into doing things you don't want to do. Even when I do, he's still irate and there's tension for everyone in the house. Everyone knows he's off on one.

He says it's because he finds it stressful that things need doing.

@verdantverdure

No one said other wise

@habbiespond

Why do you stay?

Because otherwise he's honestly lovely 😂

My DH is a lazy arse and never does any housework, it really annoys me.

If your husband is doing everything and you never contribute then YABU.

If you usually pull your weight and fancy a day off then YANBU.

@habbiespond

How can someone you're scared of be lovely?

I think in life you have to choose what you want to spend your energy on. I know I don't give a shit about housework or cooking but I do enough on a daily basis to keep the house clean, so kitchen/bathroom cleaned, food ordered. Pay someone to weed once every few months, window cleaner to do outside.

Beyond that, I decided long ago I'd rather spend my time reading, writing and seeing friends. I have no interest in having a clean car (nor do my friends, judging by their cars) and we can all still see out of the windows so all good on that front. I don't sort things out very often and it is a bit annoying having a non-tidy cupboard but not nearly as awful as not fulfilling my goals in life. I'd like to write more books, I love reading and I like to keep my friends close and be there for them in a crisis.

Most people with average energy levels have to make choices on what they do in their life. I know a lot of women who feel unfulfilled and are starting to panic in mid-life that they aren't going to get their time, their things done, or that they haven't achieved what they thought they might. Some are happy anyway, most are now trying to catch up, start new things, enjoy cinema, literature, friendships, travel again having sacrificed just a little too much during the hard child-rearing years.

I never played with my children in the playpark, I used to sit down, get my book out and let them play with each other or other children and it was ace. We talk all the time though. No regrets. I'm in my 50's now. One life, do what makes you feel good and fulfilled, as long as you are meeting the basic standards (which you are by doing all the other domestic duties, running around taxiing and bringing in a part-time wage).

Tell the anal cunt to shut his fucking gob and let you read your book in peace.

In which case does that mean he comes in from work, eats, relaxes, then goes to bed? Occasionally putting kids to bed beforehand?
That suggests to me that he does no housework and relaxes in the evening. You hardly get any downtime. In which case, why the hell not read your book and chill at the weekend?!
I'm totally team OP. X

My DS played with a variety of toys well beyond the recommended age range, he just modified how he played with them. If he was still playing with them I wasn’t going to get rid of them

I was with you from the start OP, even before your updates. I have a couple of family members who can never relax and will always find a job to do. I’m more of a ‘bear minimum to be respectable’ type person and will prioritise reading over most things. You won’t find me worrying over the state of my skirting boards.

Nothing you mention sounds like anything that has to be done right now. I think I last cleaned my windows a few years ago, and guess what, I can see out of them! They get cleaned by the rain.

OP, tell him that you will swap responsibilities. You will go to work and be gone the same hours as he is, and you will earn the same income that he does. In return ,he will assume all child management and cleaning, etc that you currently provide.

My mom suggested this to my nephew when his wife was complaining about his lack of assistance with household chores. My nephew's wife had never earned anything but minimum wage when she worked prior to marrying my nephew. She was now a SAHM to a child who was enrolled in a full-time preschool program. When my nephew presented this proposal it gave both of them a starting point from which to reevaluate the system that was not working for them.

Ultimately my nephew proposed that she go back to work full-time and his grandmother would do pre-school pick up and drop off. He also agreed to have a weekly cleaning service come in and clean the house. His wife is not particularly happy with this arrangement, but it does address the issues about which they were both complaining and it provides her with pocket money to spend without any accountability.

He seems to have massively more leisure time than you (even ignoring the unnecessary time he's at work). No wonder you feel resentful of him trying to dictate what you do to with your limited "free" time.

Same. I'd throw it in the bin.

I won't be bullied.

It's low key abuse.

Since it's no longer acceptable to smack your wife around to get them to comply, they use other tactics: sulking, shouting, stomping about, sour moods, intimidation, silent treatment, withholding, etc. All low key abuse.

Sunday is a day of rest, right?

it's a pity just from the rest point of view and not working that this was dropped it just leaves everyone feeling permanently fatigued. there is a very human reason that one day in seven for rest is necessary just ask anyone you does shifts, 5 days ok 6 is pushing it seven consecutivce days is a killer, I believe there was once an experiment with trying to make the week metric ie 10 days with 7 days work then 3 days off it failed dramatically as by the 7th day very little was being adchieved and productivity slumped , even the lowest working hours directive says everyone should get a 24 hour break a week,
I would advice the OP and husband to designate one weekend day for leisure and one for chores and equal leisure time within those days and during the week

I used to be like your husband but now I have my DD, i’m like you! You are not being unreasonable. It’s just not worth ‘finding’ stuff to do. Your kids will love watching a film with you. Everyone is fed & clean, it’s all good. You can clean the car every week when they leave home!

I’ve read the full thread. He gets hours and hours to himself leaving the op to do it all, takes the weekend lie in because he was up watching tv and thinks the op should get working and shouldn’t get a break?? I’d tell him that, and tell him that the next few weekends I’m taking myself out all day every day until he makes some changes so there’s balance here, and stops treating me as a lesser human being.

He doesn't sound lovely. He sounds abusive.

YANBU in that what he'd like done is not what you feel is necessary, and if his behaviour is in any way controlling/threatening/unnerving/frightening then that is absolutely not okay.

Also totally not okay if he is not pulling his weight properly and just heckling you to get jobs done.

On the other hand, I would see all of the jobs listed in your OP as essential and would find it stressful for them not to be done. The difference is, I simply get on and do them myself and don't expect any input. My DH is very like you are and prefers to chill/read/watch TV/go to the gym/relax after a stressful working week at weekends. He absolutely does 50:50 in terms of childcare, cooking, shopping and so on but has zero interest in any kind of home improvement or clearing out type stuff. If DH was in charge, we would live in a shit tip (and his home office is a genuine health-hazard shit tip) because he genuinely doesn't see it as a priority.

But I LOVE tidying up and having clear outs. I would live in a show home if I lived alone and can't relax in mess. I'm the kind of person who tidies up as a relaxation exercise and gets the same kind of buzz out of a beautifully cleaned out cupboard or shed as others might do from a gym workout. Personally, I see a gym workout or a run as completely pointless, but at the same time I understand that others enjoy them. I don't heckle DH for spending time doing what I see as a pointless sporting activity, he doesn't heckle me for spending time doing what he sees as a pointless tidying up activity.

So I'd say that if your DH is bothered by all the clearing out stuff he needs to be doing it himself.

@HipHipCimorene - He sounds a bit ocd which doesn’t sit well with having kids.

OCD is a serious MH condition that is lifelong and you can't switch it on and off. OP's h doesn't have OCD! Otherwise he'd be home after work Monday to Friday cleaning, wouldn't he? But he's not. He's very selective about it.