Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to do pointless domestic tasks and just read my book?

475 replies

Nereides · 30/04/2023 12:04

I’m absolutely sick of DH whinging at me. The garden needs weeding, the windows need cleaning, kids toys need tidying and pairing up in sets, old toys need taking to the charity shop, outgrown clothes need bagging up, the junk cupboard needs cleaning out, the car needs washing, the bathroom ceiling needs repainting, etc. None of the things he’s whinging about are urgent or even essential, and imo they can be ignored pretty much indefinitely.

I want to read a book, or paint a picture, or watch a movie, or take DC for a bike ride. Currently I’m sitting reading and DH is moaning that I’m lazy and stuff needs doing. With a boring part time job and two kids to look after I have very limited time for myself, and he wants me to spend it on tasks that aren’t important or fulfilling. Personally I don’t give a shit that the old toys need chucking out - I want to read my book. I’m not bothered if I’m driving a muddy car - I want to finish painting my portrait.

DH is yelling that this stuff might not be fulfilling but it’s essential. But if I spend my limited free time doing pointless “essential” shit like sorting toys and washing the car, when am I actually supposed to live my life and derive any enjoyment from it? Am I supposed to feel fulfilled by having a slightly tidier house or a cleaner car? With limited free time I have to choose what I spend it on, and I choose to read my book rather than sorting out piles of old clothes.

I should point out that I do a lot of essential stuff already. I wash the kids, help with homework, drive them around, read to them. I do laundry, cook, wash dishes, hoover, clean the bathroom. The basics of survival. But I don’t want to do any more than that. I particularly don’t want to do unnecessary tasks like cleaning out the junk cupboard, at the expense of reading my book. It’s like he wants my entire life to be drudgery with no mental stimulation at all.

AIBU to tell him to fuck off and just continue reading my book while the rain washes my car?

OP posts:
Tidsleytiddy · 30/04/2023 16:13

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/04/2023 15:47

@Tidsleytiddy

are you exaggerating?!
there are literally always jobs to do in a house especially when you have kids

Show quote history

All the jobs are the jobs I want to do that day. I don’t want to live in a mess. That’d do my head in. I enjoy doing it all. If I need someone to do one of the jobs I’ll ask. Course the windows sometimes need cleaning! That’s not always in my things I want to do. I don’t have small children now so no toys to tidy but I agree it’s endless

NessieMcNessface · 30/04/2023 16:13

Having read the full thread; I’m with you OP.
It would have been helpful to have had more info at the start but having read everything, I’m on your side here.

Bin85 · 30/04/2023 16:20

All eat together that saves a bit of time.
There's a happy medium.
My mum took up oil painting at 40 and I didn't begrudge her it , she did well but I'd get home from school and she had no idea what was for supper.

AlphabetSue · 30/04/2023 16:23

Botw1 · 30/04/2023 12:18

If a woman came on saying that their house needed lots of work doing to it and listed all the things in the op and said her oh was refusing to help and spend all his spare time doing his hobby, not 1 poster would say it was ok and that she should just crack on and do all the work herself

If she said that he already does the cooking, cleaning, looking after kids plus a job, they would though.

Devoutspoken · 30/04/2023 16:33

Can you pretend you're doing chores?

ssd · 30/04/2023 16:34

Dust If You Must

by Rose Milligan

Dust if you must, but wouldn't it be better
To paint a picture, or write a letter,
Bake a cake, or plant a seed;
Ponder the difference between want and need?

Dust if you must, but there's not much time,
With rivers to swim, and mountains to climb;
Music to hear, and books to read;
Friends to cherish, and life to lead.

Dust if you must, but the world's out there
With the sun in your eyes, and the wind in your hair;
A flutter of snow, a shower of rain,
This day will not come around again.

Dust if you must, but bear in mind,
Old age will come and it's not kind.
And when you go (and go you must)
You, yourself, will make more dust.

Show him this op

DaftWeeBun · 30/04/2023 16:35

oh god, I'm so with you. I grew up in a home that was forensically clean and parents always in a foul mood and seething at me and my sister. If that's his bag then leave him to it. Why should his agenda be yours too?

I can't stand those uptight homes where there's no room for joy and adults poison the atmosphere over frankly trivial shit. Fuck that.

ssd · 30/04/2023 16:35

X post with pp

Great minds think alikeSmile

Whiteroomjoy · 30/04/2023 16:39

Botw1 · 30/04/2023 13:01

@Whiteroomjoy

you will never ever acheive order for more than a few minutes before whatever you’ve tidied and cleaned starts to disorganise again

A few minutes?

Is there something magical going on in your house that stuff untidies itself?

My house stays tidy with very little effort

I live on my own now, so I get days…but with 3 kids it was constant detritus even dust starts again as soon as someone moves and sheds skin cells 🤦‍♀️

joycerousselot · 30/04/2023 16:40

I would definitely him to f... off and if he thinks these tasks are so essential, why doesn't he just get on with it. If he were my DH, I would be wondering if he'll ever change.

toomuchlaundry · 30/04/2023 16:40

Would it not be better to spend time with the kids than pairing up toys (and if DH was spending time pairing up stuff couldn’t he sort some out for charity shop too)

MrsCatE · 30/04/2023 16:42

It's a reverse.

joycerousselot · 30/04/2023 16:43

Of course nothing gets untidied if you live on your own. The point is how mich should it bother you.

Tekkentime · 30/04/2023 16:44

I have this but it's only over what HE deems important and only when HE decides.

I.e if I think some task needs doing urgently, he will ignore and not bother but if he needs a task doing, i'm not allowed to ignore it. If I ignore it, he gets angry and forces me to be involved in some way or another.

wherethecityis · 30/04/2023 16:46

Are you sure it’s him choosing to do more hours work for brownie points?
Lots of people have to work more than just their paid hours, it’s not necessarily a choice.

Xrays · 30/04/2023 16:46

I can see both sides a bit. He sounds like he has more free time than you and that isn’t fair. That’s an issue in itself.

But you both sound fundamentally incompatible. I am like your dh. I can’t stand mess and clutter and letting things build up. If I think the grass needs cutting then it needs doing. You’re happy to not bother but what happens is that it then all turns into an even bigger job when you do decide to tackle it. That would drive me mad. If you do things all the time in small chunks it just gets done and you don’t have to worry about it.

imjustanerd · 30/04/2023 16:46

As a child who grew up with a mother who absolutely prioritised an immaculate house and did all of the boring jobs.
I wish my mum spent more time
A with us
B looking after herself

She died young and all I remember of her was either working, cleaning, cooking and being stressed. As long as the basics are done I don't think the rest is that important.

Your children will have fond memories of spending time with you and being in a stress free relaxed house.
And I don't mean so relaxed it's a tip, just clean and tidy with lots of love.

TheAudie · 30/04/2023 16:51

Your husband sounds like the voice in my head nagging me about all the different things I need to do.

seriously you do need a wee bit of downtime too. So maybe 30 minutes doing the chores and then an hour reading?

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 30/04/2023 16:58

I bloody love your attitude. I reckon because you do everything else, car washing, gardening etc are his jobs. He can choose when to do them - he has sufficient time. Does he think you shouldn't have any time to yourself while he has 20+ hours? Sod that! What are you reading?

Botw1 · 30/04/2023 17:02

The op and the updates are 2 different things.

Your oh sounds like a prick. And you are clearly not compatible

Neither of you sound like you want to be a family.

If you do want to stay together you need to put your foot down on the fact he is avoiding parenting and he needs to spend more time with his kids and you need to start showing a bit more care for your environment

SchoolQuestionnaire · 30/04/2023 17:08

Botw1 · 30/04/2023 13:34

@SchoolQuestionnaire

It reads as though she does more of the housework/childcare because her oh works longer hours so isn't there when it needs done?

Then at the weekend he is left to do the 'pointless' tasks because op is tired and wants to read

Maybe they could switch working hours and the op could work full time and the oh part time?

I very much doubt that even if the roles were reversed he would start to pick up
the basics. He could easily be pulling his weight with that kid bit doesn’t seem to bother.

I do laundry, cook, wash dishes, hoover, clean the bathroom. The basics of survival.

I work ft and manage to be around for all of this, seemingly unlike op’s dh. To be absolutely fair I should say that under normal circumstances my own dh doesn’t tend to do these things. But then he would never nag me to start pairing toys, painting the house, gardening or washing my car either. And if I was planning to spend time on a hobby, he would crack on and sort this stuff himself knowing full well that I don’t stop all week doing things for him and the kids.

It’s like he wants my entire life to be drudgery with no mental stimulation at all.

This seems about right tbh. If he’s busy she has to be busy too.

Prettybutdumb · 30/04/2023 17:10

And this is why marriage and living together can absolutely suck. You end up being bossed around in your own house by another grown up. Just passing on endless tasks from one to another and nobody is allowed to live their life as they wish.

Annon1234 · 30/04/2023 17:10

Are you my husband in disguise? I like to get things organised and sorted out when they need doing, he would rather watch the football. Sometimes you just have to ‘adult’ even when you don’t want to, unfortunately unless you have staff, no one else is going to do the boring stuff for you

Botw1 · 30/04/2023 17:13

And although I've said the op should be helping I'm a bit confused by those saying their ohs boss them or force them to do stuff.

Would I fuck.

If he dragged a load of stuff out and expected me to tidy it up, or told me to do stuff but did nothing I'd absolutely refuse

Inthetropics · 30/04/2023 17:13

YANBU. Life is too short.