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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Twelve year old at home alone, friend's parent "rescued" her

543 replies

SpringCalling · 30/04/2023 09:34

Hello
I'd like a reality check into whether I have lost the plot or not, Have a 12 year old DD. Last night I went out for 3 hours to a venue a 19 minute cycle away. She does not like babysitters and said no to the option of going to her dads. I have left her in the evening once before - for a couple of hours at a school do. So i thought ok will let her stay in her own again, she can call me if needed etc.
All day she had tried to get a sleepover with Friend A and it had not come off.
So i go out, one hour in I check my phone (had turned sound off as music venue) and loads of texts and calls. In short, she'd been on phone to Friend A saying she was scared and alone. And Friend A's mum had come to pick her up and taken her to her home! I left immediately and went to Friend A's home to bring her back. I apologised to DD that she was scared and have said in future she will just have to go to her dads etc. But I suspect master manipulation - she nearly got that sleepover after all. Plus not sure how to think about the friend's mum just picking her up, not calling me. I was incommunicado for an hour, but she didn't even try. Have i lost the plot? Was i unreasonable leaving 12 year old home alone for 3 hours?

OP posts:
NatashaDancing · 30/04/2023 18:56

2userspast3 · 30/04/2023 15:59

Oh dear, silly me, not realising that 12 year olds are never manipulative, regardless of evidence to the contrary. Thank goodness some of you on this thread understand the OP's daughter so much better than she does.

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I know that was an attempt at sarcasm, but yes there definitely are posters on here who understand children better than the OP.

DollyPlop · 30/04/2023 19:01

Babysitter in future until she learns to grow up

WilkinsonM · 30/04/2023 19:09

DollyPlop · 30/04/2023 19:01

Babysitter in future until she learns to grow up

She doesn't need to 'learn to' grow up she just will, naturally, with the passage of time and in age appropriate stages. I don't know many if any 12 year olds who would be happy to be left home alone after dark. It's totally age appropriate to find that a scary proposition. Once she reaches 14/15 she'll probably be absolutely fine, because she will have grown up....

DollyPlop · 30/04/2023 19:11

WilkinsonM · 30/04/2023 19:09

She doesn't need to 'learn to' grow up she just will, naturally, with the passage of time and in age appropriate stages. I don't know many if any 12 year olds who would be happy to be left home alone after dark. It's totally age appropriate to find that a scary proposition. Once she reaches 14/15 she'll probably be absolutely fine, because she will have grown up....

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So she needs a babysitter whether she “wants one” or not

AlwaysGinPlease · 30/04/2023 19:11

DollyPlop · 30/04/2023 19:01

Babysitter in future until she learns to grow up

This and the other shitty attitudes towards children on this thread make me worry for the children of the posters.

WilkinsonM · 30/04/2023 19:12

DollyPlop · 30/04/2023 19:11

So she needs a babysitter whether she “wants one” or not

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Exactly! But using the terms 'learns to grow up' implies she's at fault for not being mature enough to handle being home alone. She's not.

DollyPlop · 30/04/2023 19:13

WilkinsonM · 30/04/2023 19:12

Exactly! But using the terms 'learns to grow up' implies she's at fault for not being mature enough to handle being home alone. She's not.

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No but OP said she didn’t want a babysitter, which is tough shit as she’s proven she needs one

WilkinsonM · 30/04/2023 19:15

DollyPlop · 30/04/2023 19:13

No but OP said she didn’t want a babysitter, which is tough shit as she’s proven she needs one

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She didn't need to 'prove' she needed one. It should never have been a decision she should have made! The mother shouldn't have left her and turned her phone off. Why are you sniping at a child for having a totally normal child reaction?

DollyPlop · 30/04/2023 19:21

WilkinsonM · 30/04/2023 19:15

She didn't need to 'prove' she needed one. It should never have been a decision she should have made! The mother shouldn't have left her and turned her phone off. Why are you sniping at a child for having a totally normal child reaction?

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I’m not, I’m agreeing with you? She should have had a babysitter

StorminaStarmug · 30/04/2023 19:30

I wouldn't have left mine for so long at twelve but I think it is probably okay. The switching your phone off is a huge No though.

Starseeking · 30/04/2023 19:44

I'm not a huge fan of being in my house overnight by myself, as I am when my DC are with their father, so I'm not surprised a 12 year old felt jittery her first time on her own in the evening.

People talking about "when I was young etc etc" seemed to forget that the OP's DD had an expectation that she would be able to get hold of her DM by phone. She is not living in an era where you can't get hold of people.

Several missed calls and texts over the course of an hour suggests the poor girl was panicking, and likely not thinking rationally, because 12 year olds aren't always logical, so probably contacted her friend (who told her DM) for help.

I don't think the DD was being manipulative at all, given that she couldn't have known her DM would not pick up the phone for so long.

Next time you need to be as contactable as you say you are OP.

LindorDoubleChoc · 30/04/2023 20:23

FabFitFifties · 30/04/2023 12:39

I have a 12 year old. He wouldn't be happy to be left that long on an evening. I was 14 before my parents left me (with a big dog). I was fine about it but still had the odd nervous moment when it was dark. There were no mobile phones then though. I think you are feeling angry towards everyone to deflect from the guilt of having made a poor decision on this occassion. Turning your phone off was worse than leaving her in, in my opinion. I wouldn't be javing a go at daughter or friends mum.

Well that's fine that you know that. My 12 year old DS would not have liked it either and so we wouldn't have left him (although his sister would have been fine at 12). .

HOWEVER op's DD insisted she would be fine. And it wasn't alone all night overnight, it was alone for just an evening. An evening when she wanted to go for a sleepover which wasn't forthcoming.

As parents we really do need to teach our children to be secure and self reliant. We are so reliant on being permanently contactable by everyone these days and probably the majority on this thread don't remember a time when mobile phones did not even exist.

Whochangedmynamec · 30/04/2023 20:43

It very much varies according to child. One of my kids was acting like an adult at 11, another struggled with catching a bus across town. Nobody on this thread can really judge how mature or manipulative this child is- because we don’t know her. It sounds like daughter’s friend and her parent were enjoying the drama of the moment , hence the word”rescued”.

ArianahX · 30/04/2023 21:22

When I was 18 I used to babysit for Linda down the road - while she went on dates I looked after her 3 kids, the oldest was a 12 year old girl. It seemed normal to me.

neslop · 30/04/2023 21:30

Not unreasonable to have left her but unreasonable to have turned off your phone and were not contactable for an hour

melj1213 · 30/04/2023 21:55

LindorDoubleChoc · 30/04/2023 20:23

Well that's fine that you know that. My 12 year old DS would not have liked it either and so we wouldn't have left him (although his sister would have been fine at 12). .

HOWEVER op's DD insisted she would be fine. And it wasn't alone all night overnight, it was alone for just an evening. An evening when she wanted to go for a sleepover which wasn't forthcoming.

As parents we really do need to teach our children to be secure and self reliant. We are so reliant on being permanently contactable by everyone these days and probably the majority on this thread don't remember a time when mobile phones did not even exist.

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The way you teach resilience is not by reassuring your child that while you were gone you would be contactable and then not answer any messages for over an hour as they get more and more worried!

You teach resilience by going out and leaving the child, and when they call you try and talk them through their issue rather than dropping everything to run home ... But if they aren't managing then you do go home and try again in future

FuckNuggets · 30/04/2023 21:55

Flippen eck! YANBU. My parents used to leave me to babysit my 8 year old sister when I was 12 whilst they went out drinking. I also left mine when they were 12 in the evening.

GrazingSheep · 30/04/2023 22:17

My parents used to leave me to babysit my 8 year old sister when I was 12 whilst they went out drinking

Can you not see how wrong that was?

TooBored1 · 30/04/2023 22:35

What time were you out? I'd say ok if you were out from say 6pm so home by 9. Not ok if you were out from 9 to midnight.

GrazingSheep · 30/04/2023 22:51

What time were you out? I'd say ok if you were out from say 6pm so home by 9. Not ok if you were out from 9 to midnight.

Did you miss the part where the op told her 12 year old to contact her if she needed her, and then she turned off her phone?

Nagado · 30/04/2023 23:01

Plus not sure how to think about the friend's mum just picking her up, not calling me. I was incommunicado for an hour, but she didn't even try.

I was babysitting for younger siblings and neighbours at 12, but was pretty sensible and knew exactly what to do in every scenario. And I suspect there may have been an element of wanting that sleepover involved. But, I think you should thank your lucky stars that this woman cared enough to come and get your DD and take her back to her house, rather than either leave her on her own to panic, or call the police and tell them there was a frightened 12 yr old alone at home who was unable to get hold of their mum. What was she supposed to do? She doesn’t know your neighbours and whether or not they can be trusted to look after a frightened child. She doesn’t know the instructions you left with your child (which you should have reminded her of if you’ve only left her once before). And she doesn’t know the ins and outs of your relationship with your DD’s father and whether calling him could have triggered all sorts of problems between you. She’s not a mind reader and if your DD didn’t tell her, then she may have felt she had no other choice. This is on you. You told your DD that she could call you if she got worried. WTF were you thinking not having it on vibrate or not even glancing at it for an hour, especially when you’d only left her alone once before? And why would the mum call you? As far as she’s concerned, you’ve gone out for the evening and switched your phone off. Was she supposed to wait at your house for another hour until it occurred to you to look at your phone? Your daughter had called you and it would have seemed like common sense to me that you would have called your DD when you saw the missed calls. Did you need more missed calls from the mum too?

You owe the mum a big apology and a big thank you for helping a panicking 12 year old she wasn’t responsible for.

FuckNuggets · 30/04/2023 23:06

GrazingSheep · 30/04/2023 22:17

My parents used to leave me to babysit my 8 year old sister when I was 12 whilst they went out drinking

Can you not see how wrong that was?

No, not in the slightest. We had friends over the road, my nan lived 5 minutes away and they only went to the pub that was on the local high street.

Mumof3confused · 30/04/2023 23:15

What if something had actually happened in that hour? I think you’re being totally unreasonable by not even checking your phone for that amount of time. I would possibly have done what the friend’s mum did if I knew she was alone, afraid and unable to get in touch with her mum. What child wants to leave the house in the middle of the night to get help, even if it is only next door?

GrazingSheep · 30/04/2023 23:31

We had friends over the road, my nan lived 5 minutes away and they only went to the pub that was on the local high street.

So completely different to the op’s scenario where she goes out, tells her child to contact her if she needs her and then turns her phone off ? Except for the part where her child talks to her friend .

Peachy2005 · 01/05/2023 00:39

Am I missing something?

Having the volume off on your phone is not at all the same as turning your phone off, as people keep saying.

Now people are making out that it was the middle of the night! Yes mistakes were made by the mum (and the daughter) but people are being extremely dramatic on here.

A mum didn’t reply to her DDs message/calls for an hour - we have worked out that it probably wasn’t especially late/dark. The OP was quite rightly shocked that the whole thing escalated so much in the course of 1 hour and will probably be approaching things very differently in future.

No need to burn her at the stake!!