Twelve year old at home alone, friend's parent "rescued" her

[SpringCalling]

Hello
I'd like a reality check into whether I have lost the plot or not, Have a 12 year old DD. Last night I went out for 3 hours to a venue a 19 minute cycle away. She does not like babysitters and said no to the option of going to her dads. I have left her in the evening once before - for a couple of hours at a school do. So i thought ok will let her stay in her own again, she can call me if needed etc.
All day she had tried to get a sleepover with Friend A and it had not come off.
So i go out, one hour in I check my phone (had turned sound off as music venue) and loads of texts and calls. In short, she'd been on phone to Friend A saying she was scared and alone. And Friend A's mum had come to pick her up and taken her to her home! I left immediately and went to Friend A's home to bring her back. I apologised to DD that she was scared and have said in future she will just have to go to her dads etc. But I suspect master manipulation - she nearly got that sleepover after all. Plus not sure how to think about the friend's mum just picking her up, not calling me. I was incommunicado for an hour, but she didn't even try. Have i lost the plot? Was i unreasonable leaving 12 year old home alone for 3 hours?

She didn't leave her for three hours. She left her for the 19 minute cycle ride plus an hour plus however long it took to pick her up. So it's clear that three hours was how long she was supposed to be left for.

I'm sure you're right; perhaps ask her, rather than me?

You're the one who was saying it didn't add up!

12 is fine to be left alone, the amount of children that will be home alone between the hours of 4-8 on a school day from secondary school says it all really

I was/am....but can't verify it. She...the OP, can.

This is what happened - we know these facts.

Child A was alone in the house, had been specifically told to ring her mum if anything went wrong or she was anxious. She was previously told to ring her dad or a neighbour if mum ws unavailable, but was not reminded of this previous instruction.

We're not specifically told this (all the messages and calls on the mum's phone could have been from other people) but it seems that Child A tried to ring mum. We know that mum's phone was switched off.

What I think happened from this point.

I don't why the child made the initial phone call - it could even have been to ask where the Nutella was. But in her situation, if my mum had told me that they would be contactable and then they weren't, I would panic. I'd panic as an adult, let alone as a 12 year old who may already have been scared of something which prompted the initial phone call.

We don't actually know if the child rang her father, or even if the father was actually on standby. Given the fact that mum forgot to remind the child of the arrangement, I would suspect that dad hadn't been warned to be available. Perhaps he wasn't available either - I do hope I am wrong about this. I can also think of lots of reasons Child A might not want to phone her father - scared about passing on bad news, scared that mum might be somewhere she shouldn't be and a call would get mum into trouble.... all sorts of scenarios.

Child A rang her friend, and reported that despite several tries, she couldn't contact her mum. (If I were Child A, I'd be pretty freaked out by now. My mum, who promised she would be contactable, isn't answering her phone. She must have had an accident. And I am alone in a scary house.)

We all (if we have read and understood the post) know what happened from here on. I think it's unlikely that Parent of Friend made no attempt to contact mum - most likely thing is that she personally witnessed calls to mum by Child A going direct to voicemail. She may have left messages herself - we don't know who all these multiple messages were from.

And the cherry on the cake - mum accuses Child A of being manipulative. YABVVU, OP! (And I also have my suspicions that the time out of contact was rather longer than an hour. Again, I hope I am wrong.)

Under 14 I always got a baby sitter.

When you say she doesn’t like babysitters, tough!
If you need one, just tell her the babysitter will be downstairs unless she needs her and for your DD to remain in her room if she doesn’t want to chat to sitter.

It would surely have made more sense for her to invite a friend to your’s for the night - so she wasn’t alone for the 3 hours, although unless they’re very mature for their age, 12 doesn’t necessarily mean they can cope being left.

Absolutely. If I was the friend's mum, of course I would rescue a scared 12 year old who could not contact her mother. I would never leave a child alone and scared.

I also would not dream of leaving my 12 year old to go out for the night.

Of course you can leave a 12 year old, in general. Seemingly not your 12 year old though!

If I got that text after picking up a scared child, I would ring SS

Plenty of opportunities to go on nights out when she's left home. Priorities. Kids first.

This. Or at least wait until they're older. I have a 15 year old and occasionally go out in the evenings but mostly do it when I know he's staying over at a mate's or something. Never did it when he was 12.

It’s literally against the law to employ a 12 year old.

ok so my response here would be to next time don’t give her the option to stay at home- off she goes to dads/ grandmas etc every single time. Don’t give in and stop going out- this was either a ploy to get you to give up your evening out or to get her sleepover (which clearly wasn’t convenient to the other family or she would have received an invite rather than railroading them into picking her up). When she complains about not being allowed to stay at home alone remind her that it’s fine not to feel ready to be by herself, it’s not fine to refuse the obvious solutions (babysitter, dad, grandparent).
When she shows you she is mature enough (give it at least a year, not a few weeks) then you may be able to let her stay at home without anyone else. Nip the manipulation in the bud now or her teenage years will be horrible. The one thing I do agree on with others is that you should be contactable at all times, that was a big mistake.

Maybe she was being a bit manipulative and was trying to sneakily get that sleepover she wanted.
It doesn't sound like she should have been left alone though and certainly should have been contactable. YABU.

They weren't talking about formal employment. Just odd jobs, cash in hand. Can your nan not pay you to mow the lawn or pick the apples off her apple tree at 12?!

And ski trips with school are FULLY SUPERVISED. You think the school would get away with telling the yr8s to just come back when they feel like it, or the year 10s to not get too pissed and to remember to use a condom?

I agree with 99% of what you’ve said, and maybe our school ski trips were particularly badly supervised, but yes we did go off all day by ourselves, including off piste, and we absolutely got pissed in year 10, and I memorably needed rescuing from a Canadian army base, where I had ended up aged 15 with some soldier I’d pulled in a club we’d sneaked off to.

I’d leave mine, for a couple of hours at most if I had my phone on all the time, I’d also phone to check in on her and she’d have others numbers for family to call if necessary as well as dogs in house (who are pretty efficient barkers to keep an eye on house!) and a neighbour she could call in emergency too just in case.

I wouldn’t dream of turning my phone off though.

She said “get their first jobs”.

I wouldn’t leave a 12 year old on their own for 3 hours in the evening. Especially when you weren’t contactable.

I think it was just because your phone was on silent and that sparked the situation off , you will probably never let this happen again . My child is 16 and I only started leaving him for a couple of hours in the evening occasionally when he turned 15 but only because it’s a rough area we live in with no good neighbours

12 is perfectly old enough to be left alone, provided the child is happy with that. But you do need to be contactable.

You suspect DD was being manipulative - obviously you know her better than anyone so if you are right, you need to make it clear to her that games like that are not on. Not sure my DD (14) would be that 'clever' though, - so do check first in case she really was scared.

I agree the Mum should have tried to call you though - how odd?

Yes? 12 year old's do many jobs, jobs don't have to mean formal employment. First jobs could be odd jobs, or a regular responsibility in a family business.

I’d actually be a bit pissed in this situation at DD and DDs friends mum…
at 12 years old I had key to home my dad finished work at 6 I got home from school at 3.40, I had a list of house work , dog to walk, fire to clean from day before, and make and light for the evening (yes remote island coal fire) hovering and morning dishes if wasn’t enough time and prep for dinner… 🤦‍♀️ we all did in my street parents came home went out to play after home work then in for dinner then shower before bed. Monday to Friday…. May I add I hate house work now..
I think it is redundant that our generation baby kids so much, then moan they do nothing.. I think a fair load of house work.

anyway off topic slightly if responsible 12 year old then she fine, if not responsible then no. She may need to rebuild your trust…. Dose sound like manipulation to me, other parent prob thinks ur a monster when really you are not, I’d find out what she said to other parent.