Twelve year old at home alone, friend's parent "rescued" her

[SpringCalling]

Hello
I'd like a reality check into whether I have lost the plot or not, Have a 12 year old DD. Last night I went out for 3 hours to a venue a 19 minute cycle away. She does not like babysitters and said no to the option of going to her dads. I have left her in the evening once before - for a couple of hours at a school do. So i thought ok will let her stay in her own again, she can call me if needed etc.
All day she had tried to get a sleepover with Friend A and it had not come off.
So i go out, one hour in I check my phone (had turned sound off as music venue) and loads of texts and calls. In short, she'd been on phone to Friend A saying she was scared and alone. And Friend A's mum had come to pick her up and taken her to her home! I left immediately and went to Friend A's home to bring her back. I apologised to DD that she was scared and have said in future she will just have to go to her dads etc. But I suspect master manipulation - she nearly got that sleepover after all. Plus not sure how to think about the friend's mum just picking her up, not calling me. I was incommunicado for an hour, but she didn't even try. Have i lost the plot? Was i unreasonable leaving 12 year old home alone for 3 hours?

This.

Not sure what point you're making. "Linda" might have been out on a date but she had you, an 18 year old adult, there to keep an eye on her children. It seemed quite normal because it is normal.

Yabvu. She couldn't contact you. Negligent really.

Leaving a 12 year old child alone all evening and silencing your phone so they can't reach you is disgraceful. FFS.

Having the volume off on your phone is not at all the same as turning your phone off, as people keep saying.

It is the same thing if, by having your volume turned off, you are totally unaware of any calls coming to your phone during the time it is on silent and are therefore not contactable.

If my DD calls my phone and it is off then she cannot contact me.

If my DD calls my phone and it is on silent (and I am not in a position to check it regularly) then she cannot contact me.

Whether or not the phone is physically switched off or not the outcome is the same in that my DD cannot contact me, the only difference is that if my phone is on silent as opposed to being switched off, when I finally do look at it I can see just how many phone calls/messages she has tried to send me in the intervening time. Arguing otherwise is just quibbling over semantics.

But why should a 12 year old have to go to her friend’s unannounced so you could go out? That’s… quite mad OP.

Quite mad and unbelievably irresponsible. To say that your 12 year old should just have left their home, in the dark, and gone alone to a friend's house because they were scared is pure negligence.

It's pretty appalling of you to accuse your daughter of being manipulative when all this would have been avoided if you'd just answered the fucking phone.

12 yo alone, fine as long as contactable... which you clearly were not. You put a contingency plan in place then ignored it??

YABU

OP was only out an hour and a half before the daughter started making a song and dance about it all 🙄 probably less than that as that’s when she checked her phone and the drama had already kicked off

Only ok to leave her if she ok about it. 12 is young. Yabu as you weren't contactable.

What the fuck were you thinking? You were uncontactable, how the fuck is what happened anyone's fault but yours?

So what - there's no rule to say a child won't get freaked by a strange noise within the first 30 minutes of being left alone. Or injure themselves, or a power cut, or a fire, or strange people at the door. Any of those could cause a child to want to check in with their mother. Or even the child might want to know the mother was OK and not been knocked off their bike in the way to an event.

If you leave a child that age home alone you have to be prepared to abandon your activities and get back home asap if they need you. I'm not one who thinks 12 is 'too young' but whenever I left mine at that age I was always close by and would have gone straight home if he asked me to. No questions asked really, especially if he was genuinely freaking out. An hour an a half for a child to get scared and not be able to contact her mum is just horrible parenting.

Why did you just not agree to the sleepover in the first place? Why were you so against that?

My 13 year old wouldn’t like being home alone for that long… you need to remember she may be growing up but she is still a child.

I don’t think you should leave her alone for that long particularly as you were somewhere noisy so couldn’t hear your phone

Exactly this.

Was dad not your back up for her to call while you were out.

You were unreasonable you should have been 100 percent available.

Yabu

3 hours
evening
not contactable

obvs too much for her age 12. You misjudged it this time but it’s understandable given she was fine to be left.

You weren't contactable. The friends mother responded as most mums would if a child said they were frightened.

Yep.

I have left my child alone while I’ve been away to the shops. Max 30 mins. They’re 13, and can ring me if they need me. I’ve also got my phone set such that even if it’s on do not disturb, their calls and messages come through.

I’ve known friends who’ve left their 12 year old alone while they go out to friends, get smashed and then there was a power cut at home. They didn’t bother rushing back, carried on drinking! Poor kid.

I would never have switched off my phone, if her father wasn’t in the loop. Maybe she was frightened or trying to get the sleepover one way or another, you will never know for sure, you don’t say if it was you or friend’s mother who was blocking the sleepover.
Something lighter .. When I worked in the evenings I left my 16 year old alone with my phone number for emergencies. Once she phoned, the blood drained from my body and I left the room to answer and hear the worst. What was the emergency you may ask ‘Where’s the Nutella, I can’t find it!’