Twelve year old at home alone, friend's parent "rescued" her

[SpringCalling]

Hello
I'd like a reality check into whether I have lost the plot or not, Have a 12 year old DD. Last night I went out for 3 hours to a venue a 19 minute cycle away. She does not like babysitters and said no to the option of going to her dads. I have left her in the evening once before - for a couple of hours at a school do. So i thought ok will let her stay in her own again, she can call me if needed etc.
All day she had tried to get a sleepover with Friend A and it had not come off.
So i go out, one hour in I check my phone (had turned sound off as music venue) and loads of texts and calls. In short, she'd been on phone to Friend A saying she was scared and alone. And Friend A's mum had come to pick her up and taken her to her home! I left immediately and went to Friend A's home to bring her back. I apologised to DD that she was scared and have said in future she will just have to go to her dads etc. But I suspect master manipulation - she nearly got that sleepover after all. Plus not sure how to think about the friend's mum just picking her up, not calling me. I was incommunicado for an hour, but she didn't even try. Have i lost the plot? Was i unreasonable leaving 12 year old home alone for 3 hours?

And did the friendly neighbour know they were to do this?

i think 3 hours is too long. Also, a friend of mine left her 14 year old alone for a few minutes recently and in that few minutes, let someone in who she thought was a trustworthy person and turned out they weren’t so after hearing that I won’t be leaving mine alone for awhile yet.

The way this played out tells me she isn't mature enough to be left alone at home.
Based on my own children's maturity I wouldn't leave my 12 year old alone this long. Maybe a quick pop to the shops, nothing more.

Panicking 12 year olds don’t think logically though. They need clear instructions written down.

Would a sleepover not have been a good solution? She’d have been under adult supervision. Imo you messed up here by being unreachable, it sounds like it was even quite fortunate you checked your phone after one hour instead of three. And - even if cars are no guarantee - but cycling with a kid home alone, what if you were hurt? You should have taken the sleepover.

It was 3 hours. It went wrong quickly and OP did not find out for an hour because she was not contactable.

I think 3 hours at night is a long time to leave a 12 year old. Perhaps 2 hours during the day but 3 hours at night is a long time. I would certainly have been scared.

You made the wrong parenting call (yes some 12yr olds would be fine, some not, your was not) , you were not contactable, yet you try to pin it on your daughter? For being manipulative?

that’s a bit fucked up imo!

Having your phone off for an hour was a massive mistake. Think about ALL the things that can happen in an hour. Fire, break-ins, illness, injury, water break, gas leak, stranger at the door pounding on it. Now, with your phone off and your DD in a panic and trying to call you....that's why your phone should not have been off. You were lucky. This time. She should go to her DF's next time.

All DC are not the same. Child A could handle being alone and after being told what to do in an emergency, be able to act on it. Child B gets more nervous, and they start to feel scared and alone. In an emergency, even though they know what to do, they may well be unable to act the necessary way to save themselves. The fact that Child B is not ready to be alone is not a bad thing. They just need more security to feel safe and secure.

It’s hard for all of us to judge, whether we think your DD was too young to be left on her own because none of us know her.
Tbh my initial reaction was that she was a bit young and 20 minutes away is a long time if she got into difficulties and needed u home asap. Also I think if u had agreed to text/talk every 15 mins until u were certain she was ok that would have been easier for her. I don’t think it was deliberate on yr dd’s part, I reckon she thought it was cool to be on her own and then got scared.
Maybe friend As mum should have text u, she probably got a bit of a fright and her priority was to make sure your dd was ok.

You should have:
informed her dad about you going out and
told your daughter to call her dad in case of any questions/problems warning that you would be unavailable.

I would never leave my child at that age or even older alone for 3 hours and do as you did, to a music venue. Yes, feel judged and feel bad about it. Her friend's mum did saved a child who complained is scared alone in a house completely by herself.

Or she was afraid her DF would get angry at the OP, or she was afraid her DF would not ever let her stay alone again, or she was afraid her DF would get mad at her.

Many tweens would call a friend over the possibility of disappointing/angering a parent.

Doesn't add up; you checked 'phone after an hour, left immediately, were 19 minutes away, yet say you left her alone for three hours.

Isn't it obvious that 3 hours was the intention?

Op says she "went out for 3 hours", tbh.

I don't know; was it?

That's how I read it, that she intended to be gone three hours. What other explanation is there?

We have left our 12y old for an evening on her own. But she had our Dobermann to look after her (as in they were both stretched out on the sofa together, sharing some crisps, not too many for both) watching the telly, so we weren't worried about her safety. However, we were always available and checked on her regularly. No way we would be totally no contact, if you can't get a reception or have to turn off your mobile, don't go there if your child is at home.

YABU. I have a 12 year old. 3 hours is too long in the evening to leave a 12 year old (how late was it?). YABVU to make yourself uncontactable. Had I been the friend's mum, I would also have have been concerned and collected your DD.

eh?

I have had a mobile phone since 1997... and if your phone rings while driving you pull over and answer it or phone back. ESPECIALLY if you are the main contact point of your child.

There is no reason that you could not answer your phone for an hour due to driving.

OP was STILL during the entire time the adult in charge of this child wellbeing.

Just think of the reverse.

Her friend phones you scared and panicking.

You can't get hold of her mum.

What would you have done?

'Was I unreasonable to leave 12 year old alone for three hours'; that's what she asked. Another explanation, I would say.

I don't think it's unreasonable to.leave her alone. I.leave my 10 year old for a few hours at a time during the day and we had considered a few hours at night but haven't progressed that far. You do however need to make sure you are in phone contact and able to answer at all times. If there's been a real emergency like a fire you wouldn't forgive yourself. I insist on my DS answering my calls when I'm out. If he doesn't answer one day then next time he gets a babysitter. He fast learned. He would rather allow us to know he's safe. I check on his hourly at least while we are out. If I don't get an answer I ring neighbour to go and check.

Ask her who she is meant to call if she can't reach mum, maybe tell her to try dad or nan or whoever and to call me back if she can't reach someone. I'd do that before agreeing to come and get her.

It depends on the 12 year old but I left mine for an hour or 2 at that age. I once left my 14 and 12 year old alone for 3 hours while i went to see a show. Bricking it the whole time but they were fine.