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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bank of mum and dad

190 replies

squidwid · 30/04/2023 08:41

To think it's very hard to have it all, house, kids without the help of bank of mum and dad nowadays?

OP posts:
Brunilde · 30/04/2023 08:46

Yes I think it is hard. Not impossible before everyone jumps in saying they did it. But especially for lower earners it's very tough without support. Even those without financial support may have been allowed to stay at home longer to save etc.

Overthebow · 30/04/2023 08:47

Yes hard, but as pp said, not impossible.

SunnyLion · 30/04/2023 08:49

I can't agree as don't have parents/family to help.

Stripycatz · 30/04/2023 08:50

Not everyone has a bank of mum and dad to tap whenever they're a bit short.

strawberryjeans · 30/04/2023 08:51

Yes we can only afford to buy because of help. We’ve not yet started our family but when we do, despite picturing a bigger family I’m thinking long and hard about whether to stick with one because I truly don’t think we could afford house deposit, uni support, driving lessons, car etc x2.

shivawn · 30/04/2023 08:52

I don't know. Depends on your age maybe. To me, it's crazy to take financial help from your parents past your mid-twenties. My sister's have no problem doing it but I personally couldn't.

But, as a previous poster said being allowed to live at home for longer to save for a deposit is a big help and with children having family to help out and cover gaps in childcare is huge.

Original poster
squidwid · 30/04/2023 08:54

Not everyone has help but if you want 2.4 kids and a house. Then it's very difficult.

OP posts:
strawberryjeans · 30/04/2023 08:54

I think in the long term it will have all sorts of impacts, people sticking to one child or not affording kids at all, it will become normal to rent. There was only a piece on the news the other day, projecting that babies born today will have only a 1 in 3 chance of being a homeowner in their lifetime. I think that’s optimistic to be honest

thimblewomgee247 · 30/04/2023 08:56

In most cases "bank of mum and dad" comes with strings attached. It's better to be independent if at all
Possible and make your own path

LisaD1 · 30/04/2023 08:57

I’ve never had any financial help from parents or anyone else. I have a nice life and I’ve worked for all I have so I’d say it is possible.

FourTeaFallOut · 30/04/2023 08:58

I think if you are starting out now, then it would be hard to 'have it all' without a leg up in some strategic pinch points in life.

But if you are talking about those people who have established a life beyond their means and are continually tapping their parents to plug the gap, then its a different matter.

Original poster
squidwid · 30/04/2023 08:59

Starting out.

OP posts:
JustFrustrated · 30/04/2023 09:01

Nope. Disagree...

I imagine it is more difficult depending where you are in the country.

But I think the main thing that makes it hard, beyond costs, is people want things immediately. They're unwilling to go, grotty bedsit/small flat/small house/normal house/big house for example. They want to go from living at home to buying a 3 bedroom house with garden, whilst not changing their lifestyle. It seems this is the expectation (judging purely on what i see online/with younger colleagues etc)

I'm only 33 so not old. I, and DH, come from poverty - hiding from the provident man/not having 3 meals a day/shoes too small with holes in etc.and with that, the lower education chances, etc

Neither of us had or have any help from family, be that financial or meaningful childcare support.

But we've managed to buy a house, both of us worked full time whilst having young children and completed our degrees via open uni at the same time.

Maybe it is easier to sacrifice, if you never had anything that required sacrifice.

It wasn't easy at all, but it's doable. You have to cut your cloth.

Jellycatspyjamas · 30/04/2023 09:02

So much depends on where you live, property prices, salaries. Where I am it would be reasonably straightforward to buy a house and have kids if both partners were earning a professional salary.

JustFrustrated · 30/04/2023 09:03

And to add, it's easy now. Our earlier difficulty, e.g. unstable rent, only him working whilst the kids were young, no holidays etc etc that passed. Now we're...comfortable I'd say. Holidays, nice cars, no debt apart from mortgage etc.

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 30/04/2023 09:03

I think it's hard without any help but not necessarily financial. We didn't have help buying our current house, although we have since had some inheritance to make some overpayments. If we didn't we'd just have carried on paying til the end of the mortgage term.

What we couldn't really have done without is parental childcare for DS in school holidays and the help when he's been hospitalised a few times, which has helped us continue working. Local holiday clubs don't work timing wise.

cptartapp · 30/04/2023 09:05

thimblewomgee247 · 30/04/2023 08:56

In most cases "bank of mum and dad" comes with strings attached. It's better to be independent if at all
Possible and make your own path

This. We're beholden to no one now.
SIL on the other hand....

Blackcatsalwaysrock · 30/04/2023 09:08

DS (our only child so will get everything when the survivor of DH and I go) never asks for money but we give him quite a bit because we want to, can afford to, and want to see him enjoy it or have his life made easier because of it. Inheriting it after we’ve gone wouldn’t, obviously, give us the same pleasure.

SoShallINever · 30/04/2023 09:10

JustFrustrated · 30/04/2023 09:01

Nope. Disagree...

I imagine it is more difficult depending where you are in the country.

But I think the main thing that makes it hard, beyond costs, is people want things immediately. They're unwilling to go, grotty bedsit/small flat/small house/normal house/big house for example. They want to go from living at home to buying a 3 bedroom house with garden, whilst not changing their lifestyle. It seems this is the expectation (judging purely on what i see online/with younger colleagues etc)

I'm only 33 so not old. I, and DH, come from poverty - hiding from the provident man/not having 3 meals a day/shoes too small with holes in etc.and with that, the lower education chances, etc

Neither of us had or have any help from family, be that financial or meaningful childcare support.

But we've managed to buy a house, both of us worked full time whilst having young children and completed our degrees via open uni at the same time.

Maybe it is easier to sacrifice, if you never had anything that required sacrifice.

It wasn't easy at all, but it's doable. You have to cut your cloth.

Just wanted to say congratulations.
I'm from a similar background but I'm almost twice your age. Your achievements are all the more when you have had no help or support.
Sometimes I think my DC have no real understanding how hard life can be for kids growing up in poverty.

skippy67 · 30/04/2023 09:12

My DC both earn a lot more than me and DH. I think they'll both be fine without our help! I didn't get any help from my single parent when I bought my house either. Actually, that's not entirely true. I was able to live at home while saving for a house deposit, which was a huge help.

Original poster
squidwid · 30/04/2023 09:13

@skippy67 exactly a massive help

OP posts:
BMrs · 30/04/2023 09:20

Neither of our parents were or are in a
Position to help so never been able
To help us financially but my mother in law has helped with childcare saving us costs that way.

MoroccanRoseHChurch · 30/04/2023 09:21

I think it’s double edged. If you’ve a wealthy mum and dad, you’ve likely got some start up cash available. You’ve ALSO got a role model. Someone who has trodden the path before you who you can aspire to. If your parents have never been to uni, never bought a house, you’ve not seen anyone do it. I’m projecting here because that was me and my brother. It was my best friend from school who pushed me out of minimum wage jobs and into University. But I had no idea that a bigger world existed out there.

In the end I was still £4k short for my first house, which my lovely DM and DF loaned me. So, yeah, I think most people have help.

Noicant · 30/04/2023 09:21

I think it depends where you are in the country, if you are saving as a couple, how much you earn, are you living at home. Some areas of the country it’s perfectly doable. Tbh I have one kid and increasingly feel relieved about it. I’m not worried about meeting the costs of her education or helping her onto the property ladder but I think I would start worrying a bit with two. it would be doable but we’d probably looking at a much poorer retirement.

WandaWonder · 30/04/2023 09:22

squidwid · 30/04/2023 08:54

Not everyone has help but if you want 2.4 kids and a house. Then it's very difficult.

There is a difference in wants and needs