Bank of mum and dad

[squidwid]

To think it's very hard to have it all, house, kids without the help of bank of mum and dad nowadays?

Yes and no I think.

Kids are very used to having it all, being able to go out, have the latest iPhone, clothes, they want a car each, want the first house to be a decent size. With that mind set it is going to be hard. Those things are expensive and if you continue to buy them you'll never be able to save or pay a mortgage.

If you go without and save and work, be realistic in what you can afford then it is doable.

My first place was a 1 bed flat, not in a great area. I couldn't afford to go drinking with my mates or buy loads of clothes, my car cost me £150 and it was an old banger. But I saved up the deposit and had to go without until I could afford not to.

On talking to my dd I'm not sure she would do that. But tbh apart from saving up about 5k for her which she'll get at 18, she'll have to if she ever wants to own her own place.

Depends where one lives. Not everywhere is expensive south. You can still get 3 bed houses for abou 100-150k in many, many areas. Sometimes even for less if you look at postcode few streets away.

Doing blanket statements about UK is not doing favours to anyone because it discourages even people in affordable areas. If you read everywhere how your gen will never buy a house, it does make you feel that includes you even if you have 5 properties for 60k on market nearby

I can't agree as don't have parents/family to help.

So have you found it easy?

It's completely dependent on so many variants. Where you live, what you do for work, what you earn, how well you work as a team, what you want or expect in life.

We have a lovely life with no family nearby and no financial support. We have two children and a nice home. We've worked hard but also got lucky with lots of things along the way.

It really depends on where you live and your expectations.

My niece is 28 and in the last 5 years has got married, bought her own 4 bed home and had a baby. She works tills in sainsburys her dh brings home just a little bit more than she does but is doing training to help boost his income - they will never be high earners or able to afford holidays abroad every year, but are comfortable . It is in her home town, an ex-LA house, tiny garden, but perfectly reasonable place to live. Apart from a £4k ISA her mum gave her they did it themselves. When she does go back to work the plan is to use as little childcare as possible by working opposing shifts.

My other niece 29 has just stopped renting and bought a 2 bed flat with her fiance on the outskirts of a city close to us. He works in a library she is an average earner. Again they saved by themselves.

They are not much different than I was when I bought 30 years ago, maybe 5 years later than I did but they started working FT later than me too.

Very, very hard and I dont think it's even 'having it all', it's just the basics that most people aspire to.

There is a lot of money in the older generation but only in SOME of it - only in some families, not everyone.

So perhaps in more cases than in the past, young to middle aged people with perfectly good jobs and reasonably modest lifestyles are ending up “having to” ask their parents for some help.

But crucially it’s not everyone that’s able to ask their parents to help, so it perpetuates the gap in wealth over generations.

That’s probably how this govt wants it though

That was my late mum's attitude too. I was able to buy my first home (late 00s) with a large deposit from her as she wanted the pleasure of seeing me happy and settled whilst she was still alive.

Didn't benefit from any bank of dad (fucker never paid a penny of child support when I was a kid, never mind deposits for mortgages).

I wonder at the people saying so vehemently that children should never benefit from parental financial support past a certain age, does that work the other way too? If my mum had ever needed money for anything and I had been able to help her out, I would have given the money without thought, hesitation or strings attached. Because she was my mum, I loved her and would have wanted to make her life easier in any way that I could.

I wonder at the people saying so vehemently that children should never benefit from parental financial support past a certain age, does that work the otherway too?

I think you'll find such posters would indeed say it is not a child's responsibility to provide for their parents in retirement and that they'd never ask their DC for money.
I'm not one of them but I do think they're consistent!

It’s not that hard, it’s just people aren’t willing to compromise or sacrifice anymore.

Absolutely this

The problem is now we want it all and we want it now. There's no sacrifices seemingly made - I remember my dad working 2-3 jobs and my mum doing extra work to afford a "normal" standard of living. One second hand car. Foreign holidays were a once every 5 years expense

Now people want several foreign holidays a year, flashy car, latest apple products and TVs and multiple subscriptions and then complain they can't afford things

No I don't agree. We have had no help and it never occurred to me to expect help. My dad died years ago and my mum has no money.

Surely once you have kids you ARE the mum and dad?

I have a house, I am a mum, I've worked my ass off to be in a position where I can pay my own way.

My parents did the same - the thought of relying on them as an adult with my own children makes me cringe.

They managed the 15% mortgage rates, the general strike, the miner's strikes, the utter shit show that was the 80s - I can manage this.

I think a lot of people are unrealistic in their expectations. I did it without help but had to make compromises - for example I had to move away (45 mins away from where I grew up) to buy a house in a cheaper area. Got a tiny house in a slightly unpleasant location 10 years ago (had rented for years before that so hadn't stayed with parents to save, moved out at 18.) Sold it 5 years later, house prices had increased and had paid a good amount of the mortgage off and then had a nice deposit to get the bigger house in the nice location, then had kids after that. So many people seem to expect to be able to buy the family sized house the next street over from their parents without any compromise. Or they have kids before buying a house which immediately makes everything much more tricky in terms of expenses.

I also see a lot of younger adults (20s) happily living at home with their parents with minimal expenses, going out every weekend, expensive holidays and spending a huge amount on finance for brand new cars and then being surprised when they don't have a deposit for a mortgage. (Equally I see the sensible ones using that opportunity to save and getting on the housing ladder fairly quickly.)

It is certainly much tricker than it used to be but I feel It's often about the choices of the individual more than anything else.

Completely agree

Of course it's possible. You go without. You live in a happy shit hole. You save up.
It takes years of hard work and little luxury.

If your expectations are leave home and into nice house, you're gonna need someone else to pay for it

Bear in mind though that for some people, living at home for longer isn’t cost-free. For some, it means covering all the bills and contributing to the mortgage if there is one, caring for elderly parents or GPs (obviously, without being paid for this time/effort), and/or buying/cooking your own meals. And of course, the trade-off with your freedom to do whatever you like because you’re still under your parents’ roof. All things that I’ve seen.

Living with parents isn’t as cheap or as fun as it is for some people, particularly when parents are poorer and in expensive areas like London.

I think it's difficult but not impossible. We are helping our adult DS who came back home after Uni. He is living rent free to save a deposit and we've been feeding a Help 2 Buy account for him for the last few years up to the £12000 to get maximum bonus. He works 9-5 plus has a casual job in hospitality. Plenty of scope for more hours in hospitality if he wanted/needed to earn more money if we weren't helping him though.
So if you are committed to giving yourself a good start without the bank of M&D then I think you can do it by working 2 jobs and not wasting money on all the modern day frivolities that young people seem to spend their money on these days. But not everyone wants to live like that.

I don't know anyone that has this help. I left home at 18 to go to uni and never went back. Rented for a bit, as you do, worked hard and bought our first tiny house. Few years on, and 4 kids later, we live in our "forever house". This is what most people I know have done.

On an average wage, I agree it would be difficult, especially if you are a single income household.

I think the post about people wanting everything immediately rings very true.

I have very wealthy parents. Very expensive house, portfolio of rental properties, other business interests, huge fleet of expensive cars and so on. All self-made. My wife’s parents weren’t wealthy like that but still comfortable.

I’ve had so many comments over the years about my house and wedding and so on, with implicit suggestions that my parents must have done it all for us. What many people don’t realise is they didn’t start getting any serious returns from their businesses until I was finishing my GCSEs, so I grew up in what was - to me - a relatively normal income household. I moved out at 19 so was quite independent from day one (as is my wife) so we both agreed early on that we would be paying for our house and wedding ourselves and not taking parental handouts. And that remains the case to this day.

By contrast, my sister is quite younger than me so grew up in what was - to her - a high income household. Now late 20s, she still relies on our parents to pay for everything - car, holidays, clothes, you name it. She seems completely oblivious to her own behaviour as I’ve heard her make comments about others are who ‘freeloaders’ before. Her instagram-centric lifestyle also means that only the best of stuff will do, and if she takes a notion that she wants something, it absolutely must be purchased immediately and pics put on social media for immediate praise from followers - the notion of waiting and saving is alien to her.

So yes, the bank of mum and dad is a very real thing. I think personally that those who take such handouts and are unwilling to stand on their own feet will suffer in the long run from a lack of independence and poor financial management, but I also think the mums and dads who facilitate this are to blame too and need to stop being enablers.

Surely as grown ups and parents, we need to teach our children to be self sufficient and not set the example that you expect others to constantly bail you out.

We don't need it because my husband earns a lot but it certainly makes life easier. We dip into it all the time.

In the context of these threads, whatever your parents did for you is framed as a ‘massive parental help’.

E.g. “your parents fed you every day and didn’t kick you out at 16? See? Massive help. Loads of kids don’t get that.”

“Your parents supported you in a normal way during secondary education and sixth form, allowing you to achieve the A-levels, which in turn won you a place at university, which in turn won you a decently paid grad job in the city, which allowed you onto the property ladder at 27? See? Massive help from the bank of mum and dad…”

I think one off help makes a huge difference - I lived at home rent free for a while so I could save, and my Dad gave us a lump sum for this house. We would still have bought a house but it would have been a cheaper one!

I don't fully understand parents who keep topping up their adult children. I don't think it does them any favours in the long run, presumably there is an inheritance coming but even so, they've never had to live within their means so surely they'll end up spending the lot and then be looking around for more?!