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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To NOT pick my DP up from the pub?

289 replies

Coraldeo · 29/04/2023 22:42

I’m 21 weeks pregnant. DP has been playing golf today, then went to a local pub (10 minutes walk), which I dropped him to. I’ve been swimming with the kids (his two teenagers, my older child), taken them for lunch, got my hair done, come back and put the older child to bed.

I’ve put a late night snack in the oven, got my pyjamas and a movie on. Suffering with heartburn which has been common this pregnancy and obviously really tired.

DP texts me asking for a lift. He’s gone to another pub, so he’s now a 30 minute walk away, which is 10 minutes in the car. I said, I’m tired, have heartburn, I’ve put food in the oven and I just want to relax. He’s now calling me selfish, lazy and saying he’d have picked me up.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 30/04/2023 09:39

To those saying they'd pick theirs up, yes I'd pick mine up, but he wouldn't behave like OPs DP.

He'd call me after the golf and say 'hey, i know you've been looking after the kids all day but we've finished and the rest are going to X pub, would you be ok picking me up at Y time?' And I'd probably be like yes sure and plan accordingly. Probably have PJ on but I'd not have food in oven etc. He wouldn't wait with no plans and say 'I'm at this pub, drop everything and pick me up now', then call me names if I said I couldn't.

ShowUs · 30/04/2023 09:42

Treacletoots · 30/04/2023 07:24

You don't seem to like each other that much OP.

He's a selfish arse who expects you to act like a nanny to his kidd whilst he fucks off all day on himself and you don't want to drive just 10 minutes to do him a favour.

Rather than wonder who is right or wrong here ask yourself what do either of you get out of this relationship, really.

I'd pick my DH up in a heartbeat if he asked, and for a lot more than 10 minutes drive, but then he treats me with respect and wouldn't ever fuck off for an entire day expecting me to be his unpaid nanny.

I agree.

Most people wouldn’t think anything of nipping out to get someone 10 mins away.

There are obviously way bigger issues at play.

I remember a thread where the OP was getting a train and her DH wouldn’t pick her up from the station.
It turned out that this was just the tip of the iceberg.

HarrietStyles · 30/04/2023 09:48

I’m astounded that so many women are saying that they would just go pick him up…… after being called selfish and lazy? Really? I wouldn’t go pick up anyone who calls me names like that. I’ve been with my husband for 20 years and we have never once called each other names like that. And I certainly wouldn’t put myself out and do a favour for someone who had just insulted me and called me names.
He’s had enough money to play a game of golf, drinks in pubs for several hours….. but can’t pay £10 for a taxi?

WillowtreeHouse · 30/04/2023 09:56

I'd do it but we pick each other up all the time. I'd probably be pissed off that I was in my PJs and settled but it's 20 minutes. I'm not, however, saying that you should.

ChopperC110P · 30/04/2023 09:59

Coraldeo · 29/04/2023 23:03

And he’s also saying he’d never not get up and give me a lift, trying to make me feel guilty!

Just remember this when you ask him for a lift and he says no because he’s watching Netflix and is tired.

WillowtreeHouse · 30/04/2023 10:00

I’m astounded that so many women are saying that they would just go pick him up…… after being called selfish and lazy

Oh I wouldn't after that @HarrietStyles , not a chance, but he would never do that. What I mean is I would pick him up, at that stage of pregnancy I would anyway, not if I was 8 months or something. It's perfectly fine for the OP not to though. Different strokes and all that.

ChopperC110P · 30/04/2023 10:01

HarrietStyles · 30/04/2023 09:48

I’m astounded that so many women are saying that they would just go pick him up…… after being called selfish and lazy? Really? I wouldn’t go pick up anyone who calls me names like that. I’ve been with my husband for 20 years and we have never once called each other names like that. And I certainly wouldn’t put myself out and do a favour for someone who had just insulted me and called me names.
He’s had enough money to play a game of golf, drinks in pubs for several hours….. but can’t pay £10 for a taxi?

But he said that after she refused repeatedly to give him a lift? It is selfish and lazy imho to make your partner do a 30min walk at night because you’re tired and have settled in watching telly. It’s not like he insulted her and then she refused the lift.

Devoutspoken · 30/04/2023 10:02

After she's been looking after his kids?

SmallFerret · 30/04/2023 10:04

ChopperC110P · 30/04/2023 10:01

But he said that after she refused repeatedly to give him a lift? It is selfish and lazy imho to make your partner do a 30min walk at night because you’re tired and have settled in watching telly. It’s not like he insulted her and then she refused the lift.

Show quote history

The internalised misogyny on this thread is astounding.

You, like so many PP, have entirely taken for granted that fact that OP has been her DP's unpaid au pair all day, while he selfishly & lazily enjoyed a full day of hobby & leisure.

PaigeMatthews · 30/04/2023 10:04

ChopperC110P · 30/04/2023 10:01

But he said that after she refused repeatedly to give him a lift? It is selfish and lazy imho to make your partner do a 30min walk at night because you’re tired and have settled in watching telly. It’s not like he insulted her and then she refused the lift.

Show quote history

Exactly. She had already told him no. Repeatedly. Yet he felt so entitled for her to do what he said, he went on and on not respecting her right to say no. And then started threatening and name calling.

do you think if someone says no to something repeatedly, the other person has a right to demand it anyway? Think carefully about that.

SmallFerret · 30/04/2023 10:06

It’s not like he insulted her and then she refused the lift.

He'd already insulted her by expecting her to look after HIS children all day.
I bet he does it all the time.
Not sure why she's tolerating being Default Parent to his kids, but at 21 weeks pregnant, it's not going to be easy to extricate herself - he's got her nicely trapped now ...

GoodChat · 30/04/2023 10:06

Would he pick you up in these circumstances?

He said he would but would he actually?

Devoutspoken · 30/04/2023 10:08

After looking after your kids all day

AuntMarch · 30/04/2023 10:11

He said he would pick you up... Tell him if he was pregnant and had been entertaining your kids all day you wouldn't dream of asking him to!

I think asking is fair enough (assuming teens are staying over to be able to leave the one in bed at home), but so is saying "no sorry, I'm already in pyjamas and have food in the oven, can you get a taxi?"
.... How did you say no? His unreasonable reaction could come from feeling defensive if you bit his head off (pregnancy made me snappy!) Or just from being a selfish prick after a few beers.

Cherrysoup · 30/04/2023 10:12

Think I’d have picked him up. I know my DH would come to get me. I once got a call saying him and a mate had missed their stop and had ended up at the end of the line. They were very drunk. I did go to get them.

mainsfed · 30/04/2023 10:17

Please tell us you didn’t give him a lift!

ChopperC110P · 30/04/2023 10:29

PaigeMatthews · 30/04/2023 10:04

Exactly. She had already told him no. Repeatedly. Yet he felt so entitled for her to do what he said, he went on and on not respecting her right to say no. And then started threatening and name calling.

do you think if someone says no to something repeatedly, the other person has a right to demand it anyway? Think carefully about that.

Show quote history

I think they have a right to call you selfish and lazy, yes I do. And that isn’t “threatening”.

If it were OP stranded a 10min drive away and her partner was like “sorry love, I’m watching the game, find your own way home or walk it’s only a half hour” the responses would be very different.

The fact that children exist and were cared for is irrelevant. Many of us have children and the fact you had them in the day doesn’t excuse you also taking care of each other. Especially when it’s a 10min drive! That’s nothing. OP may be pregnant but she’s not disabled.

Arially · 30/04/2023 10:29

@Coraldeo sending your DP the world's tiniest 🎻. He's an ass.

ChopperC110P · 30/04/2023 10:30

SmallFerret · 30/04/2023 10:06

It’s not like he insulted her and then she refused the lift.

He'd already insulted her by expecting her to look after HIS children all day.
I bet he does it all the time.
Not sure why she's tolerating being Default Parent to his kids, but at 21 weeks pregnant, it's not going to be easy to extricate herself - he's got her nicely trapped now ...

Well that’s ridiculous, it’s not “insulting” to be caring for your own kids and step kids.

ChopperC110P · 30/04/2023 10:34

SmallFerret · 30/04/2023 10:04

The internalised misogyny on this thread is astounding.

You, like so many PP, have entirely taken for granted that fact that OP has been her DP's unpaid au pair all day, while he selfishly & lazily enjoyed a full day of hobby & leisure.

Show quote history

Fuck me, no. The OP is a co-parent, she’s not “the help.” God the child hating on here is off the hook. It’s not selfish for one parent to have a hobby day on a three-day bank holiday weekend. In a functional relationship, both parents get hobby days while the other parent cares fir their children. I feel like so many commentators have seriously dysfunctional relationships where the children are viewed as burdens and impositions.

SmallFerret · 30/04/2023 10:37

ChopperC110P · 30/04/2023 10:30

Well that’s ridiculous, it’s not “insulting” to be caring for your own kids and step kids.

Show quote history

It is when your dick of a DP views you as free childcare while he swans around golfing & drinking in pubs.
Then rings you too berate you for feeling too knackered & pregnant to want to relieve him of a 30 minute walk.

Nanny0gg · 30/04/2023 10:39

CornishGem1975 · 30/04/2023 08:51

On the fence. I'd do it as I expect him to pick me up!

But he wouldn't be pregnant...

ChopperC110P · 30/04/2023 10:40

SmallFerret · 30/04/2023 10:37

It is when your dick of a DP views you as free childcare while he swans around golfing & drinking in pubs.
Then rings you too berate you for feeling too knackered & pregnant to want to relieve him of a 30 minute walk.

Show quote history

One day of golfing with drinks after doesn’t make him an absent father FFS. And he did the responsible thing calling his partner who supposedly loves him for a lift. If you can’t call your own partner for a lift, and think that “Im tired and watching telly” is a valid excuse then your standards are in the cellar.

SmallFerret · 30/04/2023 10:40

ChopperC110P · 30/04/2023 10:34

Fuck me, no. The OP is a co-parent, she’s not “the help.” God the child hating on here is off the hook. It’s not selfish for one parent to have a hobby day on a three-day bank holiday weekend. In a functional relationship, both parents get hobby days while the other parent cares fir their children. I feel like so many commentators have seriously dysfunctional relationships where the children are viewed as burdens and impositions.

Show quote history

😂What child hating?

I'm hating on yet another man who has children he palms off on the next woman, expecting her to take care of them while he enjoys a full day of leisure.

I'm also still waiting for OP to come back & tell us how he steps up & takes care of HER child while she swans off to please herself for an entire day ....

mainsfed · 30/04/2023 10:41

ChopperC110P · 30/04/2023 10:34

Fuck me, no. The OP is a co-parent, she’s not “the help.” God the child hating on here is off the hook. It’s not selfish for one parent to have a hobby day on a three-day bank holiday weekend. In a functional relationship, both parents get hobby days while the other parent cares fir their children. I feel like so many commentators have seriously dysfunctional relationships where the children are viewed as burdens and impositions.

Show quote history

She isn’t a co-parent. If they split, she won’t see her step-kids for dust, abd has zero rights.