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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not forgive her this time?

135 replies

GuineaPigPosie · 28/04/2023 23:52

Hi,

I work in an early years setting and this afternoon, one of my colleagues who is twice my age (50s), raised her voice at me, swore at me, told me I was a lazy, a joke, and pathetic, in front of four children and several members of staff. All because I asked for a another colleague to grab me some bits and pieces and give me a hand whilst we were BOTH ON OUR LUNCH BREAKS whilst I was clearing up a child after he had a poo accident all over the bathroom floor. Managers heard her shouting at me to "shut up" from the other side of the building. A parent also heard.

I tried to explain my side, I asked her not to shout, I said there were children watching, she carried on going. I did not raise my voice. One of the children who had witnessed (2 years old) spent a large part of the afternoon crying but when asked, wasn't sure why. Colleague who shouted left the building and went home early. Managers got my side of the tale and then reviewed CCTV over the course of a few hours, got colleague's side of the story and determined I did nothing wrong. As far as I know nothing happens to her, she hasn't had a warning, we were told to move on.

This isn't the first time this has happened. This is probably the fourth or fifth time in less than a year she has done this sort of thing. She has sworn at me and shouted at me in front of several children, then stormed off. It's often over trivial things such as me telling her a bike is unsafe without a pedal. I'm autistic and often don't realise when maybe my opinion isn't wanted, but the safety of the children always come first, regardless of what staff think. Managers said she takes it out on me because she likes me and knows I'll still always be there for her.

and it's true, I tell myself "not this time" but I always move forward. AIBU to not forgive her? She hurt me, and there's no talk of an apology. Managers clearly don't expect her to say sorry, and she has made no moves to apologise. They've told me she'll be anxious all weekend because of what she's done. Well maybe she shouldn't have done it!!! I have no doubt there are children going home tonight telling their parents that X yelled at GuineaPigPosie at nursery today. We're supposed to be a safe space for our children and she has taken that away from them. I'm so annoyed that I keep allowing myself to relax and forgive her. Managers want us to have an informal chat just to clear the air on Tuesday, but truthfully I am not interested in speaking to her.

FWIW, I have no intentions of staying in my current workplace come September. If it weren't for my current key children I would be gone. But I need to see them off to school. And then I'm gone. If it wasn't for the children I adore, today would have had me writing my notice to hand in on Tuesday.

Thank you for reading.

AIBU to not forgive her this time, and to tell her that if it happens again, I'll be filing a grievance?

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 28/04/2023 23:59

I can't believe they are keeping her in a job. Why would I do that? She sounds absolutely horrendous. Those poor children and parents having to hear her. I really feel for you as well having to deal with her.

Username84 · 29/04/2023 00:01

Why wait to file a grievance if they've got the CCTV!

jenny38 · 29/04/2023 00:02

Sorry this is happening to you, it sounds very stressful. Her behaviour is not acceptable in any work place, and I'm sure the parents of tge children who overhead would be horrified.
Given you have already given her multiple opportunities to change, I'm not sure why you would need to extend this again. File a complaint. You will just be waiting for the next outburst if not.

AtrociousCircumstance · 29/04/2023 00:03

File a grievance now. The kids should not be subjected to someone like this. Whether you leave or not this shouldn’t be ignored.

Sounds horrible for you.

OooWhatAWhopper · 29/04/2023 00:07

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Malarandras · 29/04/2023 00:09

File a grievance now. For your sake and the kids sake. This person is a horror.

Deathmetal · 29/04/2023 00:11

I wouldn’t want my kids having to witness that

and I certainly wouldn’t want to work in that atmosphere. I do feel sorry for you and think you should take this complaint as far as you can

NeatCompactSleeper · 29/04/2023 00:11

You are being totally unreasonable not to file a grievance right now.

What are you waiting for and why?

NeatCompactSleeper · 29/04/2023 00:12

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Oh FFS reported

Cats23 · 29/04/2023 00:12

I'd file a grievance right away. shame on her and the managers.

MakesMeFeelSad · 29/04/2023 00:14

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Wtf are you on about! That's no excuse for this behaviour

MillieOns · 29/04/2023 00:16

YANBU. No child care worker should be ranting and swearing at another child care worker, in front of children, within a child care setting. Get your grevience report in

donquixotedelamancha · 29/04/2023 00:17

Why wait to file a grievance

This.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 29/04/2023 00:26

Tell management that this is not a one-off. It is the fifth time. It is unprofessional. It is bullying. What are management going to do to make sure it doesn’t happen again?

Then don’t say anything. Let management respond.

By the way, it is just a job and no, you do not need to see your key children off to school.

DelphiniumBlue · 29/04/2023 00:31

Why are management trying to make this your problem rather than theirs? As you rightly say, it's about the children and this woman's behaviour has been entirely unprofessional, affecting the children in a place where they should be feeling secure.
It is management's job to deal with staff who are acting unprofessionally. It's not a question of whether you forgive her, it's not up to you ( although if she's sworn at you before you might want to consider whether the management are in breach of their duty of care towards you.) I don't see how your forgiveness changes anything, it won't stop her from doing it again, it won't stop the children from feeling unsafe, it won't stop parental complaints. I'd be asking management what steps they are taking a) to protect the children from this and b) to protect you from being bullied and harassed at work. A formal grievance submitted by you might make them take this a bit more seriously.
And no, don't forgive her.

Treesoutsidemywindow · 29/04/2023 00:33

DelphiniumBlue · 29/04/2023 00:31

Why are management trying to make this your problem rather than theirs? As you rightly say, it's about the children and this woman's behaviour has been entirely unprofessional, affecting the children in a place where they should be feeling secure.
It is management's job to deal with staff who are acting unprofessionally. It's not a question of whether you forgive her, it's not up to you ( although if she's sworn at you before you might want to consider whether the management are in breach of their duty of care towards you.) I don't see how your forgiveness changes anything, it won't stop her from doing it again, it won't stop the children from feeling unsafe, it won't stop parental complaints. I'd be asking management what steps they are taking a) to protect the children from this and b) to protect you from being bullied and harassed at work. A formal grievance submitted by you might make them take this a bit more seriously.
And no, don't forgive her.

Totally agree with everything 'DelphiniumBlue' says.

maddening · 29/04/2023 00:33

You should raise a grievance imo

funinthesun19 · 29/04/2023 00:43

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And yet lots of women who are going through it still manage to remain professional in their jobs. She can’t just rage at people like that.

Original poster
GuineaPigPosie · 29/04/2023 00:46

Thank you all for the responses.

When it happened, and I was trying to make sense of it, my thought wasfile the grievance, you said last time you would, do it now.

And I was ready to do it but the managers called us in and said we were to "draw a line under it" and it was finished. Apparently only this morning, my colleague had said to managers "I literally love GuineaPigPosie so much" yet a few hours later she's doing what she did. And managers called all of us into the office and essentially, yes made it our problem because despite it not being my fault, other people weren't where they were supposed to be. There didn't seem to be any blame for my colleague.

My managers' whole afternoon went to shit as they had to spend hours going through the cctv and phoning my colleague. I apologised to each of them separately. One said "it's okay, I forgive you." the other one said "why are you saying sorry? It's not your fault." and why did I say sorry? It wasn't my fault.

It's certainly not the first time gross misconduct has been ignored in my setting.

Thank you all so much. I will draft the letter this weekend and speak to my parents for support in what to write. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
GuineaPigPosie · 29/04/2023 00:47

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There are several menopausal women in my life, and in my workplace. None of them have ever felt the need to shout, swear, and insult me. I'm sorry for the people in your life if that's what you do to them.

OP posts:
AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 29/04/2023 00:49

As a parent, I would be furious and complaining if my child witnessed that. Not to mention that their backgrounds might make previous trauma even worse.

As a coworker I'd be right there complaining even if you didn't. For the children's sake, and mine.

You gave her plenty of chances, it's not your fault management is completely ineffective. Put that grievance in. You don't go to work to be abused.

NeatCompactSleeper · 29/04/2023 00:51

GuineaPigPosie · 29/04/2023 00:46

Thank you all for the responses.

When it happened, and I was trying to make sense of it, my thought wasfile the grievance, you said last time you would, do it now.

And I was ready to do it but the managers called us in and said we were to "draw a line under it" and it was finished. Apparently only this morning, my colleague had said to managers "I literally love GuineaPigPosie so much" yet a few hours later she's doing what she did. And managers called all of us into the office and essentially, yes made it our problem because despite it not being my fault, other people weren't where they were supposed to be. There didn't seem to be any blame for my colleague.

My managers' whole afternoon went to shit as they had to spend hours going through the cctv and phoning my colleague. I apologised to each of them separately. One said "it's okay, I forgive you." the other one said "why are you saying sorry? It's not your fault." and why did I say sorry? It wasn't my fault.

It's certainly not the first time gross misconduct has been ignored in my setting.

Thank you all so much. I will draft the letter this weekend and speak to my parents for support in what to write. Thank you

And I was ready to do it but the managers called us in and said we were to "draw a line under it" and it was finished.

That's not their decision to make.

It's your right to take out a grievance.

Piony · 29/04/2023 00:52

File a grievance. She's already had multiple chances. You withholding your forgiveness at this point achieves nothing.

A grievance is as much about getting the managers to do their job properly as about the actual incident.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 29/04/2023 00:54

GuineaPigPosie · 29/04/2023 00:46

Thank you all for the responses.

When it happened, and I was trying to make sense of it, my thought wasfile the grievance, you said last time you would, do it now.

And I was ready to do it but the managers called us in and said we were to "draw a line under it" and it was finished. Apparently only this morning, my colleague had said to managers "I literally love GuineaPigPosie so much" yet a few hours later she's doing what she did. And managers called all of us into the office and essentially, yes made it our problem because despite it not being my fault, other people weren't where they were supposed to be. There didn't seem to be any blame for my colleague.

My managers' whole afternoon went to shit as they had to spend hours going through the cctv and phoning my colleague. I apologised to each of them separately. One said "it's okay, I forgive you." the other one said "why are you saying sorry? It's not your fault." and why did I say sorry? It wasn't my fault.

It's certainly not the first time gross misconduct has been ignored in my setting.

Thank you all so much. I will draft the letter this weekend and speak to my parents for support in what to write. Thank you

Their afternoon didn't went to shit because of you, or even because of this incident.

First of all, that is their job. That's why they get paid more than you and have the title of manager.

Second of all, there would be nothing to deal with if they had dealt with your colleague properly the first,second,third etc time. They still aren't dealing with it properly, so this shit will continue and they only have themselves to blame.

Stop taking responsibility for other people's actions or lack of . It's not you. It's them. No amount of apologising or walking on egg shells or making yourself small will make them do their job or the colleague less abusive.

BuffyTheCat · 29/04/2023 00:59

Management doesn’t seem to be dealing with this properly. You really should raise a grievance. It could happen another three or four times before September!

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