To not forgive her this time?

[GuineaPigPosie]

Hi,

I work in an early years setting and this afternoon, one of my colleagues who is twice my age (50s), raised her voice at me, swore at me, told me I was a lazy, a joke, and pathetic, in front of four children and several members of staff. All because I asked for a another colleague to grab me some bits and pieces and give me a hand whilst we were BOTH ON OUR LUNCH BREAKS whilst I was clearing up a child after he had a poo accident all over the bathroom floor. Managers heard her shouting at me to "shut up" from the other side of the building. A parent also heard.

I tried to explain my side, I asked her not to shout, I said there were children watching, she carried on going. I did not raise my voice. One of the children who had witnessed (2 years old) spent a large part of the afternoon crying but when asked, wasn't sure why. Colleague who shouted left the building and went home early. Managers got my side of the tale and then reviewed CCTV over the course of a few hours, got colleague's side of the story and determined I did nothing wrong. As far as I know nothing happens to her, she hasn't had a warning, we were told to move on.

This isn't the first time this has happened. This is probably the fourth or fifth time in less than a year she has done this sort of thing. She has sworn at me and shouted at me in front of several children, then stormed off. It's often over trivial things such as me telling her a bike is unsafe without a pedal. I'm autistic and often don't realise when maybe my opinion isn't wanted, but the safety of the children always come first, regardless of what staff think. Managers said she takes it out on me because she likes me and knows I'll still always be there for her.

and it's true, I tell myself "not this time" but I always move forward. AIBU to not forgive her? She hurt me, and there's no talk of an apology. Managers clearly don't expect her to say sorry, and she has made no moves to apologise. They've told me she'll be anxious all weekend because of what she's done. Well maybe she shouldn't have done it!!! I have no doubt there are children going home tonight telling their parents that X yelled at GuineaPigPosie at nursery today. We're supposed to be a safe space for our children and she has taken that away from them. I'm so annoyed that I keep allowing myself to relax and forgive her. Managers want us to have an informal chat just to clear the air on Tuesday, but truthfully I am not interested in speaking to her.

FWIW, I have no intentions of staying in my current workplace come September. If it weren't for my current key children I would be gone. But I need to see them off to school. And then I'm gone. If it wasn't for the children I adore, today would have had me writing my notice to hand in on Tuesday.

Thank you for reading.

AIBU to not forgive her this time, and to tell her that if it happens again, I'll be filing a grievance?

I'd file a grievance but frankly, also leave in September as you intend to, as it's clear that your workplace is quite dysfunctional.

Your colleague sounds like a narcissist. Grandiose but ungrounded claims like "I literally love GPP so much" make her appear to be a sweet person but when her actions strongly contradict her words, it's irrational to make up convoluted justifications like "She treats you, a person she actually adores, so badly because she feels safe with you."

Yeah, safe that you'll once again fall in line with the spineless management team and dust her horrible and unprofessional behaviour under the carpet along with the scared feelings of the poor kids who have to witness this chaos.

You know what you need to do, stand up for yourself and do it.

@GuineaPigPosie you need to stand up for yourself on this one .. they taking advantage as your young .. put in a complaint.. and tell the manager you will not be shouted at or called names .. the other women is in the wrong and should be disciplined for talking to you in front of the children like that

Raise a grievance. Complain to Hr if you have one.

She's verbally assaulting you and bullying you in public! Absolutely unacceptable!

I’m really glad you are leaving that job because you are being bullied and management is doing nothing. This Managers said she takes it out on me because she likes me is bullshit. It’s no different from how they used to tell girls that boys hit them and pull their hair and chase them because they like them. She doesn’t like you.

I would definitely file a grievance and I’d point out that she is bullying you because you are autistic which is in fact a disability hate crime.

Don’t allow the excuse of menopausal rage , she’s in a professional setting working with young children and she obviously keeps doing it because she is allowed to get away with it . Put in a formal grievance @GuineaPigPosie , if anyone is leaving it should be her - she’s in the wrong job .

Managers said she takes it out on me because she likes me and knows I'll still always be there for her.

What the ACTUAL fuck?!?!

This is like when adults tell girls boys hit them because they like them. Absolutely NOT!
Cut this person out. Do nto forgive and forget.

I worked with a woman like that once. Nice one minute, a raging beast the next. Management couldn't touch her because she had a diagnosed condition (a personality disorder) so everyone just had to put up with her being Jekyll and Hyde and then pick up the slack when she would storm out of work to go home. I'm sure it's not nice for her to realise people are upset with her, but it's really unpleasant and upsetting to be the subject of someone's rage like that. Keep your distance from her. Just do your job and escalate it to your manager every time she starts on you.

In the meantime, stop completely still and point at the cameras if she spouts again with an "Oi! Don't you dare" walk away in clear view and point out that the ratio is off because of her behaviour. How dare she think she can get away with behaving like that?! What a gobshite she is, imagine the parents finding out. Don’t put up with this for another minute.

I’m so shocked they haven’t either gotten her to apologise, given her a warning or fired her by now! I’d be horrified if my child was witnessing this at her nursery and would be complaining to a manager myself if she came home saying X shouted at Y in front of her. But in terms of you absolutely don’t forgive this time. Remain civil and professional but until she can respect you keep it to just this.

seriously though, the fact they continue to employ someone who swears in front of children, especially after so many times, is awful

This is awful. You should actually report this to Ofsted

If this was my child's nursery I would be beyond furious at this. Never mind if this happened to me at work. Absolutely disgusting from all angles.

She's a workplace bully and your management are completely ineffective. I'd not only be putting a grievance in, but I'd be speaking to ACAS and reporting it to OFTSED also.

I would report to OFSTED because children shouldn't be exposed to this. I would also seek support from ACAS on your right to a professional workplace and what your management should be doing here.

Menopausal symptoms are terrible but not an excuse to the PP who seems to be saying it's inevitable!

Disgusting that people are blaming menopause for this behaviour. I've worked with hundreds of menopausal women and none have ever shouted and sworn at colleagues. Grow up if you think menopause is a reasonable excuse for this behaviour.

It also plays into the belief that older women are irrational, unemployable and best avoided. Fuck sake.

Nonsense. I wasn't like that and didn't know anyone who was.

The woman is just plain rude and vulgar. You do not shout at colleagues and the idea of someone behaving like that in front of children is appalling.

Firstly contact ofsted- these children are being placed at risk

secondly file a grievance - and if management try to convince you otherwise tell them you have previously suffered the same treatment from colleague and nothing has changed

No excuse.

if this monster can't control themselves especially in front of young children they shouldn't be working in that setting.

the fact the supervisor/manager saw it happening, knows it's going on repeatedly in that workplace, says that childcare facility is not fit for purpose.

OP, it's your choice whether you file a grievance against the colleague, but I would because it's so current and can't be denied or swept under the carpet.

It will be a good test as to whether the colleague is told to leave. I'd also look for a new job and leave as soon as possible if the manager is allowing bullying to continue - it won't get any better.

Consider it a safety issue. Children shouldn’t be exposed to verbal abuse. Report it.

As you're autistic you could take your employer to tribunal for enabling and watching this person harrass you, but ultimately it isn't a battle worth fighting - the manager may well be letting them get away with it because of the risk of accusations of discrimination on the basis of age.

A very messy situation all round and best not get embroiled in it. It could be years of your life you'll never get back.

No.

Jesus. Not everything is about you!

You need to start your own thread!!

I shouldn't laugh - but yep - that's probably right. Or maybe she's always been a bitch.

Either way - I can't believe the managers don't back you up properly . I would definitely file a complaint and keep as wide a berth as you can from her.