To not forgive her this time?

[GuineaPigPosie]

Hi,

I work in an early years setting and this afternoon, one of my colleagues who is twice my age (50s), raised her voice at me, swore at me, told me I was a lazy, a joke, and pathetic, in front of four children and several members of staff. All because I asked for a another colleague to grab me some bits and pieces and give me a hand whilst we were BOTH ON OUR LUNCH BREAKS whilst I was clearing up a child after he had a poo accident all over the bathroom floor. Managers heard her shouting at me to "shut up" from the other side of the building. A parent also heard.

I tried to explain my side, I asked her not to shout, I said there were children watching, she carried on going. I did not raise my voice. One of the children who had witnessed (2 years old) spent a large part of the afternoon crying but when asked, wasn't sure why. Colleague who shouted left the building and went home early. Managers got my side of the tale and then reviewed CCTV over the course of a few hours, got colleague's side of the story and determined I did nothing wrong. As far as I know nothing happens to her, she hasn't had a warning, we were told to move on.

This isn't the first time this has happened. This is probably the fourth or fifth time in less than a year she has done this sort of thing. She has sworn at me and shouted at me in front of several children, then stormed off. It's often over trivial things such as me telling her a bike is unsafe without a pedal. I'm autistic and often don't realise when maybe my opinion isn't wanted, but the safety of the children always come first, regardless of what staff think. Managers said she takes it out on me because she likes me and knows I'll still always be there for her.

and it's true, I tell myself "not this time" but I always move forward. AIBU to not forgive her? She hurt me, and there's no talk of an apology. Managers clearly don't expect her to say sorry, and she has made no moves to apologise. They've told me she'll be anxious all weekend because of what she's done. Well maybe she shouldn't have done it!!! I have no doubt there are children going home tonight telling their parents that X yelled at GuineaPigPosie at nursery today. We're supposed to be a safe space for our children and she has taken that away from them. I'm so annoyed that I keep allowing myself to relax and forgive her. Managers want us to have an informal chat just to clear the air on Tuesday, but truthfully I am not interested in speaking to her.

FWIW, I have no intentions of staying in my current workplace come September. If it weren't for my current key children I would be gone. But I need to see them off to school. And then I'm gone. If it wasn't for the children I adore, today would have had me writing my notice to hand in on Tuesday.

Thank you for reading.

AIBU to not forgive her this time, and to tell her that if it happens again, I'll be filing a grievance?

It's awful when you feel like that about work, I'm sorry one horrid person (and some incompetence) is causing this.

My only advice is hold your head high, as you've done absolutely nothing wrong. File your grievance at the earliest opportunity. Try and keep/look busy so you don't get dragged in to a false apology etc. Concentrate on the children you obviously deeply care about.

It will not last forever, as shit as it is now.

Unions generally won't deal with matters that happened before you joined them so you might not be able to get help from them. ACAS would be a better bet.

Is your employer aware that you have autism?

It might be a good idea if you wrote down everything that might be relevant while it's still fresh in your mind. Write down the facts with times, dates, people resent etc. Also make use you have screen shots f any emails, texts or messages that you have.

@GuineaPigPosie I know it's horrible to be dreading work but apart from speaking to your parents about your actions, there's nothing you can do about other people so if you can find any way to block or compartmentalise it until Tuesday try your best to do so.
Your mantra can be I'm off work and so are all my colleagues, I deserve this downtime.

The reason I say your colleagues are off is it's not like anything is moving forward while you're off, no one is there.

Try to rest 💐

It’s wont be fun filing a grievance and knowing the she and the management (unfairly) won’t be happy with you. But you’ve got no choice now have you? You know you are going to leave so negative reactions will soon be a distant memory - you’ve just got to get through it first. Easier said than done. If it becomes untenable you’ll just have to leave sooner. Hopefully the union can advise.

Good luck.

I've been there OP. Severe anxiety of a weekend and evening before work. I honestly would go on sick leave and hand your notice in earlier. You can do temp nursery work in-between. It sounds like your management will do nothing as they don't want to lose her as a qualified staff member knowing it will be a nightmare to replace her. No job is worth this level of anxiety, trust me.

No one should feel unsafe going into work.

You MUST raise this as a formal grievance, and if they don't take this seriously, then you MUST report it to OFSTED.

If my kids were at that nursery and had to witness that sort of behaviour I would be horrified and notify OFSTED myself, particularly if the person in charge tried to brush it under the carpet.

The treatment you have received is really unfair, and that member of staff needs sacking! Menopause or not, it is NOT acceptable in the work place and is gross misconduct.

This is shocking, unacceptable behaviour from your colleague. There is absolutely no justification for it. The management also have responsibility for letting it continue and failing to take any action.

I think the behaviour is abusive to you and the children. It’s so wrong that you have been treated like this and that they have been exposed to it.

So sorry you are going through this. You sound like you are excellent at your job. Best of luck Guineapigposie xx

How did it go today OP? I've been thinking of you. I hope it was easier than expected. Give us an update when you can.

How was your day OP?

Hugs GPP🌼