To not forgive her this time?

[GuineaPigPosie]

Hi,

I work in an early years setting and this afternoon, one of my colleagues who is twice my age (50s), raised her voice at me, swore at me, told me I was a lazy, a joke, and pathetic, in front of four children and several members of staff. All because I asked for a another colleague to grab me some bits and pieces and give me a hand whilst we were BOTH ON OUR LUNCH BREAKS whilst I was clearing up a child after he had a poo accident all over the bathroom floor. Managers heard her shouting at me to "shut up" from the other side of the building. A parent also heard.

I tried to explain my side, I asked her not to shout, I said there were children watching, she carried on going. I did not raise my voice. One of the children who had witnessed (2 years old) spent a large part of the afternoon crying but when asked, wasn't sure why. Colleague who shouted left the building and went home early. Managers got my side of the tale and then reviewed CCTV over the course of a few hours, got colleague's side of the story and determined I did nothing wrong. As far as I know nothing happens to her, she hasn't had a warning, we were told to move on.

This isn't the first time this has happened. This is probably the fourth or fifth time in less than a year she has done this sort of thing. She has sworn at me and shouted at me in front of several children, then stormed off. It's often over trivial things such as me telling her a bike is unsafe without a pedal. I'm autistic and often don't realise when maybe my opinion isn't wanted, but the safety of the children always come first, regardless of what staff think. Managers said she takes it out on me because she likes me and knows I'll still always be there for her.

and it's true, I tell myself "not this time" but I always move forward. AIBU to not forgive her? She hurt me, and there's no talk of an apology. Managers clearly don't expect her to say sorry, and she has made no moves to apologise. They've told me she'll be anxious all weekend because of what she's done. Well maybe she shouldn't have done it!!! I have no doubt there are children going home tonight telling their parents that X yelled at GuineaPigPosie at nursery today. We're supposed to be a safe space for our children and she has taken that away from them. I'm so annoyed that I keep allowing myself to relax and forgive her. Managers want us to have an informal chat just to clear the air on Tuesday, but truthfully I am not interested in speaking to her.

FWIW, I have no intentions of staying in my current workplace come September. If it weren't for my current key children I would be gone. But I need to see them off to school. And then I'm gone. If it wasn't for the children I adore, today would have had me writing my notice to hand in on Tuesday.

Thank you for reading.

AIBU to not forgive her this time, and to tell her that if it happens again, I'll be filing a grievance?

Are the managers the owners? If not then contact the owners about this. It is totally unacceptable!

That's a breach of professional standards and needs to be reported to whoever regulates your profession, especially as this is repeated behaviour. Sounds like colleague needs anger management training and a refresher on how to work in a team. Stand firm and tell the bosses things need to change. Noone should have to accept being shouted at and insulted by a colleague.

Peri-menopause is no excuse. I’ve been going through it for 4 years without HRT.

Report to Ofsted? They will simply record it as a concern.
This is a serious disciplinary offence. If the managers are ignoring it I would take out a grievance against them. Union membership would be handy.
Goodness knows why you’ve been apologising to people, stop that and don’t do it again if anything else happens.

I would definitely write an official complaint. I would also ask for a copy of their bullying policy (even if you already have it) and then follow procedure. If you don’t get an adequate response, then go to the next person up.

I made an informal complaint and nothing was said to the person. She continues to bully. Do not put up with it.

Your management team are weak and ineffective. You can’t rely on them to address this. Raise a grievance now.

Don't wait until more children are upset after a further episode, raise the grievance now.

THIS.

Exactly. Menopause is not an excuse for bullying colleagues and frightening small children.

OP you sound lovely. But it’s time to put yourself first. You have the right to go to work without putting up with this BS.

Start looking for a new job and get your notice handed in.

Ffs just because she's in her 50s doesn't mean she's menopausal.
I went through surgical menopause in my 30s.
The ageist shit on this thread is incredible.
OP I hope you get a nice new job - your management sound bloody awful.

Yes, file a grievance. Do it for yourself, the kids and the next young person this woman will target once you’re gone.

I'd file a grievance NOW. They have the CCTV. You don't deserve this, and nor do the dc.

Your managers sound totally pointless and weak. Wtf are they thinking??

It was a menopausal woman saying the abusive colleague must be going through menopause. Why not respond to her instead of calling the whole thread ageist?

If your managers were competent your colleague wouldn't have verbally assaulted you more than once. I would recommend getting another job (with a good reference from the managers) and leaving. Complaints will likely cause blow back on you op and you don't need that. Everyone will know they lost a good member of staff because of a bad member of staff... But the person who files a complaint can become the target of weak management. The best course of action is for you to find a better job with decent leadership and professional colleagues.

That so horrible for you OP. I'd raise a grievance now. If they do nothing and you feel you have to leave due to her horrific treatment of you then maybe consider discussing with a lawyer if you have a case for constructive dismissal. Also report them to Ofsted. Children shouldn't be witnessing this. Managers should monitor staff suitability. Sounds like she has ongoing anger issues in front of children.

@Thistlelass

Jeez.... Is menopause the new neuro-diversity on every thread?

How the hell do you know that this is menopause related? If so, the person seems to be able to direct it solely at OP, so well done them.

You and your blanket kind are not helping the menopause cause one bit. 🙈🙈🙈

The management sound like they are lazy as they are not ‘managing’ the situation. Also, the swearing and shouting in front of children and making them cry is a safeguarding issue. She’s not safe to be working around kids if she can’t control her temper like that and is setting kids off.

What’s the incentive for them to stop if you keep forgiving them?

They need a written warning at the very least. At least then, they might realise they’ve got to the end of their chances.

Managers said she takes it out on me because she likes me and knows I'll still always be there for her.

What utter rubbish. There are so many nursery jobs going at the moment. You deserve better.

I agree.

Those children are in a dreadful environment if this is tolerated.

That woman shouldn't be near children.

I would be requesting a copy of the recording of what occurred.

Mention in the letter the multiple other instances that have occurred and been swept under the carpet.

I'd be taking my child out of that nursery if I discovered the abuse they'd witnessed and the poor professional practice of the management.

So sorry OP - you are star staying for your key children but look after yourself too. Come September get yourself out of that toxic place. Poor children. I’m menopausal- I’d be sacked if I did that (I’m a TA)

This woman is awful and your manager is awful. I would not take this this time.

You sound absolutely lovely.

Hi OP, this is terrible! What sort of employer is it? Like a small independent or part of a bigger organisation?

I'm thinking you definitely need to raise a grievance but potentially, your grievance could also be against management for not protecting you.

Employers have a legal obligation to provide a safe workplace for their employees - these ones are not doing so!