Page 3 | I know it's been done to death, but I wish DH would stop WFH

Restforabit · 28/04/2023 15:45

NoSquirrels · 28/04/2023 15:20

too busy to empty the dishwasher but not busy enough to not drive me nuts

This made me laugh in recognition!

Yep - I hear this as well. Although I’m not bothered about that. I am bothered about feeling chased out of my own home.

Hes been summoned back three days a week, I hope to God this holds as I can’t cope with him here all the time when I’m on Mat leave, I really can’t!

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 28/04/2023 15:47

He works in tech so has a few screens, lots of gadgets etc. I just need a laptop, phone and a bit of peace, so me having the dining table is the obvious solution, if only I could get the peace.

But it isn't the obvious solution, if he likes a wander and you like to be tucked away in peace.

He should be at the table. Yeah ok it'd be 5 minutes a day humping the screens round, but that would be less faff than constant disturbance. You both have equal right to wfh and it sounds like that's going to continue, so you need to use the space you have in the most efficient and suitable way.

mackthepony · 28/04/2023 15:49

Same here.

DH has been in the office for the past few weeks (bliss) but this is now finished and he's almost full time WFH again.

The 'any plans for lunch??' questions are starting to grate...

TheApplianceofScience · 28/04/2023 15:52

We generally rubbed along well in lockdown, but one day I genuinely forgot and wandered into the front room in a pair of knickers and a tshirt that covered all the important bases, Dh hissed at me, I am in a meeting, I hissed back and I am in my home. Seemingly his colleagues were highly amused.

He started going back to the office pretty soon after that, I couldn't possibly comment if there was a connection.

Freefall212 · 28/04/2023 16:00

WinterofOurDiscountTentz · 28/04/2023 15:39

That is literally exactly what you said.

The home environment isn't suitable for OP to work in only because he is being a dick. Your answer was for her to leave, not for him to stop being a dick, or him to leave.

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BUt he isn't being a dick if he is just going about things in his home. He shouldn't have to adjust anything about his behaviour as he is in his home. Just like you are saying she doesn't need to show hi any consideration, this posters is saying he also doesn't need to show her any consideration. He can talk and eat and do what he pleases in the dining room - it is his home. And she can be loud and let the toddler in the office and distupt him as much as she pleases as its her home. If you dont believe in being considerate and everyone should just carry on as they wish in the home regardless of who is working, then he did absolutely nothing wrong and isn't a dick in any way.

WinterofOurDiscountTentz · 28/04/2023 16:09

Freefall212 · 28/04/2023 16:00

BUt he isn't being a dick if he is just going about things in his home. He shouldn't have to adjust anything about his behaviour as he is in his home. Just like you are saying she doesn't need to show hi any consideration, this posters is saying he also doesn't need to show her any consideration. He can talk and eat and do what he pleases in the dining room - it is his home. And she can be loud and let the toddler in the office and distupt him as much as she pleases as its her home. If you dont believe in being considerate and everyone should just carry on as they wish in the home regardless of who is working, then he did absolutely nothing wrong and isn't a dick in any way.

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You're not getting it. He expects her to be considerate and treat his work space as important and work around him . He will not do the same for her.
Yet your answer was for her to let him have all the space and remove herself and pay the costs of that.

I'm not sure how much clearer I can be here that you are , like the DH, in the wrong here.

gannett · 28/04/2023 16:40

WinterofOurDiscountTentz · 28/04/2023 13:27

YABU, in that you are going out of your way to accomodate him, when he will not do the same for you.
So stop that. Stop preventing the toddler going in to him. Walk in and take things from the room when he's busy. Shout "do you want tea" or "empty the dishwasher you lazy arse" when he's on a work call. Chat to him, distract him, do all of the things he does to you.

He will either stop it, or go back to the office, if you do it enough.

Is your solution to every disagreement to act like a complete dick to your partner? "If I behave awfully to the people in my life then I'll get my way" isn't a very healthy way of approaching things.

I don't understand MNers who think their home is their domain to have to themselves all the time, and their partner - whose home it ALSO is - is somehow in the wrong for using his house as he pleases.

As PP have said, WFH necessitates a bit of consideration on all sides that can be worked out with adult communication. If you don't want to be interrupted or distracted, set that ground rule out instead of this pass-agg retaliation nonsense.

WinterofOurDiscountTentz · 28/04/2023 16:46

Is your solution to every disagreement to act like a complete dick to your partner? "If I behave awfully to the people in my life then I'll get my way" isn't a very healthy way of approaching things.

How can you completely miss the point that much? That isn't it at all!
Its "my partner is acting like a complete dick. I will stop being kind to him and accomodating him as he is not doing any of that for me, and it is pointless, and perhaps he will start to understand how much of a dick he's being.

I'm never sure whether it's wilful obtuseness with this kind of response!

Restforabit · 28/04/2023 16:57

I don't understand MNers who think their home is their domain to have to themselves all the time, and their partner - whose home it ALSO is - is somehow in the wrong for using his house as he pleases

That isn’t really it though. Using your home as you please isn’t always possible, especially with young children.

For my part, I don’t mind one bit when DH is at home - I do mind our home being an office, and it really does have a horrible effect.

MirandaWest · 28/04/2023 17:00

fivetriangulartrees · 28/04/2023 13:23

Mine has just started going back in on the days I WFH.😁 three years of WFH together fairly peacefully but I had recently developed the rage at the sound of him chewing.

I’ve been WFH full time since 2015. DH started WFH in 2020 and has been here ever since. We have a fairly large converted garage but it is different from how it used to be and today he was driving me mad with chewing, tapping things, listening to things but a bit too loudly on headphones etc

gannett · 28/04/2023 17:04

WinterofOurDiscountTentz · 28/04/2023 16:46

Is your solution to every disagreement to act like a complete dick to your partner? "If I behave awfully to the people in my life then I'll get my way" isn't a very healthy way of approaching things.

How can you completely miss the point that much? That isn't it at all!
Its "my partner is acting like a complete dick. I will stop being kind to him and accomodating him as he is not doing any of that for me, and it is pointless, and perhaps he will start to understand how much of a dick he's being.

I'm never sure whether it's wilful obtuseness with this kind of response!

He's chatting to his partner on his breaks. She hasn't apparently communicated in advance that she doesn't want this. Chatting to one's partner isn't being a dick.

I WFH and if DP is home I'll chat to him if I have a break. I also don't mind him chatting to me, depending on how much I need to concentrate. If I don't want to chat I communicate that.

But if DP or I were being a dick to each other unintentionally the healthy response is to talk about it, not to passive-aggressively up the ante.

Nanny0gg · 28/04/2023 17:07

Freefall212 · 28/04/2023 15:15

OP can you carve out space in a bedroom for your office? That way you aren’t in the living area of the house and will be out of the qu with a closed door. If you are in the dining room you are going to get a lot of interruptions when he goes to the bathroom or to get a drink etc. I would move yourself to a space that is well out of sight and not in the mine of traffic between his office and the common areas of the house.

My bedroom is my bedroom. No way would it become a workspace because my company decided they wouldn't pay for an office any more (bet their staff didn't get any of that money saved)

gannett · 28/04/2023 17:08

Restforabit · 28/04/2023 16:57

I don't understand MNers who think their home is their domain to have to themselves all the time, and their partner - whose home it ALSO is - is somehow in the wrong for using his house as he pleases

That isn’t really it though. Using your home as you please isn’t always possible, especially with young children.

For my part, I don’t mind one bit when DH is at home - I do mind our home being an office, and it really does have a horrible effect.

A complete separation of home and office isn't possible. It never has been (home offices have been around forever) and it definitely isn't now. The benefits of this far outweigh the negatives, especially for working parents. Trying to insist that a home isn't an office has a "holding back the tide" vibe to it.

Sissynova · 28/04/2023 17:15

WinterofOurDiscountTentz · 28/04/2023 15:39

That is literally exactly what you said.

The home environment isn't suitable for OP to work in only because he is being a dick. Your answer was for her to leave, not for him to stop being a dick, or him to leave.

Show quote history

Being a dick by going into his own kitchen to make a drink and make light chat to his own wife? In the real world that’s perfectly normal behaviour.
OP can tell her husband at the time she’s too busy to chat, she can’t control him leaving his computer and ban him from making a coffee in his own house.

Honestly it just seems like on mumsnet everyone thinks women own the house and get to be in it by default while the men should be out slaving away making their life more difficult unnecessarily.

Fluckinghell · 28/04/2023 17:19

Iwrote · 28/04/2023 13:08

Anyone else in the same boat?

DH has the office and I have the dining table, but he's up and down, chatting, getting drinks, moaning, generally distracting me until I have to ask him to please leave me in peace. He doesn't do anything useful in these frequent trips, too busy to empty the dishwasher but not busy enough to not drive me nuts.
Days I don't work I pick youngest up from nursery and then have to stop her busting in on her Dad when he's on calls etc, I feel like my home isn't my own.
I wish he'd just fuck off back to the office, as least a few days a week. I know there's a commute, but I feel like I'm a woman on the edge.

Can you not go and work from your employers office since your the one with the problem?

Restforabit · 28/04/2023 17:22

The benefits of this far outweigh the negatives, especially for working parents. Trying to insist that a home isn't an office has a "holding back the tide" vibe to it.

Well, in all games there are winners and losers, and I and my two year old are definitely the losers.

Original poster

Iwrote · 28/04/2023 17:22

Oh god I've started a bloody debate here!

I really don't think the house is mine alone. But I do object to him coming down ranting, moaning, complaining about how busy he is, asking me what's for lunch, commenting on the weather etc. Just the same as I wouldn't be able to deal with a work colleague disturbing me all the bloody time, it's just courtesy isn't it. Of course he can use the kitchen, but fuck me I counted him coming down 8 times in 2 hours the other day, yes I counted cos he'd claimed he never comes down needlessly!

I absolutely don't let the toddler sabotage his work, but I'm reaching the stage of thinking fuck it, why should she be upset hearing her Dad inaccessible behind a bloody door.

As soon as my youngest dc is full time I'm getting anew job working away from home!

OP posts:

Goldbar · 28/04/2023 18:00

Homes are not offices. If the effect of wfh is that the home cannot be used for normal family life (and that includes a certain amount of noise with young children), then wfh doesn't work.

I know one family where the wife finishes work at 4pm and then collects their child from school clubs. She and the child then have to hang out in the park/library every afternoon until the husband finishes work at 6pm in case their noise disturbs him. He thinks it's reasonable for his family to do this rather than he goes to the office... astounding!

pussycatinfluffyslippers · 28/04/2023 18:03

@Iwrote Please, please STOP stopping her bursting in on him.
It might be the only way he'll work out he needs to fuck off work from his office rather than your spare room.
🤞

AlphabetSue · 28/04/2023 18:06

mrsm43s · 28/04/2023 14:32

If working from home isn't working for you because your DH is also working from home, surely the onus is on you to go back into the office (or if no office, then hire yourself some desk space)? It's clearly working for your DH, so no reason for him to go back to the office.

Regarding your days off when the children are there - it's reasonable to stop them bursting in on your DH if he is in the study taking work calls (with the door shut), but beyond that, if he is unable to work from home because of the normal family noise in the house, then the onus would be on him to go back into the office or rent alternative desk space.

Why is the onus on her? Why shouldn’t he compromise too? If she was posting as the husband here ‘I get the office but my wife won’t chat to me during the day when she’s trying to work from the dining room table and doesn’t keep our toddler out of the way. There’s an office I could go to but I don’t fancy it’ would you be saying the opposite?

mrsm43s · 28/04/2023 18:21

AlphabetSue · 28/04/2023 18:06

Why is the onus on her? Why shouldn’t he compromise too? If she was posting as the husband here ‘I get the office but my wife won’t chat to me during the day when she’s trying to work from the dining room table and doesn’t keep our toddler out of the way. There’s an office I could go to but I don’t fancy it’ would you be saying the opposite?

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Yes, if he was saying that home wasn't a suitable place to work in because the other person living in his house wasn't accommodating what he needs to get his work done from home, then yes, I'd say the onus is on him to go back into the office or wherever else provides him with the suitable environment he needs to work.

Basically they BOTH have equal rights to be in the house, and the onus is on the one who the home environment (complete with the regular, normal actions of the other people in the home) isn't suiting to find somewhere to work that better suits their needs. You don't get to tell the other person that they have to behave in your preferred work style (even though it's not theirs) or fuck off back to the office.

And OPs DH using the kitchen, talking to his wife etc is not him being "a dick". He is being a person with equal rights to be in the house using it reasonably. He just has a different work style to OP. But her working style doesn't trump his, and since she, not he, is the one with the issue, then the onus is on her to find somewhere more suitable to work, even if that does cause her some inconvenience.

Goldbar · 28/04/2023 18:25

Restforabit · 28/04/2023 17:22

The benefits of this far outweigh the negatives, especially for working parents. Trying to insist that a home isn't an office has a "holding back the tide" vibe to it.

Well, in all games there are winners and losers, and I and my two year old are definitely the losers.

Yes, what tends to become apparent in these threads is that there are two types of wfh parent.

There are parents who use wfh to benefit the family and balance family life and work better.

Then there are the fuckers who like a long lie, are too lazy to commute, expect their OH to clean up their kitchen mess or provide catering services (lunch and hot drinks) and demand that the whole house is silent as a shrine to their all important BIG JOB.

What exactly are the benefits for the family of the second type of wfh?

Restforabit · 28/04/2023 18:37

@Goldbar i think there is a third type, which is DH, who believe they are the first type but in fact are more second.

I don’t think DH intends to be as difficult as he is, but I do think in almost all cases with a very young child at home and a WFH parent it doesn’t work well. (Often, the WFH parent and the one caring for said young child have very different perspectives about what is working well …)

fizzypop100 · 28/04/2023 18:43

My DH is WFH in our living room. He then moves to the sofa when he's finished. This crap was only supposed to be temporary during COVID
I need him to GO OUT for some decent length of time.

AlphabetSue · 28/04/2023 18:43

mrsm43s · 28/04/2023 18:21

Yes, if he was saying that home wasn't a suitable place to work in because the other person living in his house wasn't accommodating what he needs to get his work done from home, then yes, I'd say the onus is on him to go back into the office or wherever else provides him with the suitable environment he needs to work.

Basically they BOTH have equal rights to be in the house, and the onus is on the one who the home environment (complete with the regular, normal actions of the other people in the home) isn't suiting to find somewhere to work that better suits their needs. You don't get to tell the other person that they have to behave in your preferred work style (even though it's not theirs) or fuck off back to the office.

And OPs DH using the kitchen, talking to his wife etc is not him being "a dick". He is being a person with equal rights to be in the house using it reasonably. He just has a different work style to OP. But her working style doesn't trump his, and since she, not he, is the one with the issue, then the onus is on her to find somewhere more suitable to work, even if that does cause her some inconvenience.

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In that case, seeing as he doesn’t like their child interrupting him, should she find somewhere else to parent their child?

Why is all the compromise on one side?