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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Zero contrition at choosing to go out when DS may have had to go to hospital

160 replies

AlwaysTheGoodGirl · 28/04/2023 12:44

I came home from work yesterday to DS15 throwing up in the bathroom, in a bit of a panic, and seemingly having quite a severe allergic reaction to some granola he'd just eaten. He had a shower and got into bed while I cleaned up in the bathroom (major task, all over the place) but then I noticed his skin was very red and lots of hives were covering his whole body. I quickly gave him a fexofenadine and rang 111.

In the meantime, DH went outside and I could hear him getting in the car. I opened the bedroom window to shout to tell him not to take the car away as I might have to get DS to hospital. He grumbled about it and said he'd just go and get the bus. Bearing in mind he could see DS was not well, I thought he was just planning a quick trip to the shop, nothing else, but when he said he was going to "get the bus in" I knew that meant he was going into town for one of his many gigs or whatever he does. And off he went. 111 said they'd get a doctor to call me in the next hour, and when I got the call, he told us to go to A&E.

So, and this is something else DH was well aware of, we also have a DS11 who would either now have to come with us to the hospital for god knows how long, or stay at home and I would have to find someone to come and look after him. Thankfully my brother and SIL said they could come, and so DS15 and I went off to A&E.

Got a text from brother at 11pm to say DH was now home so they would leave. We got home around 1am having been checked over and told that the fexofenadine had solved the problem, but to keep an eye out for any secondary reactions. All very tiring and stressful, and when I eventually got to bed, I had the joy of snoring to contend with so I ended up downstairs on the sofa.

Brother texted me this morning to see how DS was (nothing from DH, I might add) and said that when DH came in last night, there was no "thanks so much for coming, I'm so sorry you had to come, maybe I shouldn't have gone out." Oh no. Apparently he was all full of chat about how we've really enjoyed our family trips to the Lake District, that he's feeling much fitter for doing a few climbs, that we're all looking forward to a wedding coming up in the summer and a holiday in November. All the pretence of happy families when he just f*cks off to gigs or the cinema all the time. He's been out every night this week, including the night his son is in hospital. No contrition whatsoever. Either he's got a master's degree in manipulation making everyone thinks everything's champagne and roses and we have a lovely supportive relationship, or he's just a thick idiot. Am I overreacting thinking he should be ashamed of himself for choosing to go out??? He doesn't seem to see any problem in doing so. I've also taken a day off work today to look after DS, when he could have easily worked from home today. Nope, off he went this morning, not a word. I'm so conditioned to accept his ways, this feels like another thing that he just does. Should I be raging?

OP posts:
jotunn · 28/04/2023 12:47

You haven't said which way round the voting is, but really YABU to stay married to that selfish lazy git.

QWE96 · 28/04/2023 12:49

Does he add anything positive to your lives?

By the sounds of it, he's well and truly checked out of family life - has he always been this way?

Sorry your DS was so unwell. Hope he recovers quickly!

Butchyrestingface · 28/04/2023 12:50

Yeah, he’s an arsehole but conditioned or not, you must know this. You sound incredibly passive. I don’t see how someone this selfish can be rehabilitated. And I don’t know that I could be arsed to even try.

I hope you work full-time and are saving hard.

Ponderingwindow · 28/04/2023 12:51

You should be raging.

you should have used your voice and told him not to go out because your child is in crisis. You aren’t responsible for his poor choices, but you also don’t have to be meek and just deal with the fallout of his choices.

TheDogsWardrobe · 28/04/2023 12:51

Showing zero concern for his child, taking people for granted, what a cunt. I would leave him.

I hope your son is ok.

FreezyWater · 28/04/2023 12:52

Yes you should be raging.
Channel the energy into phoning a divorce lawyer x

Bluebells1970 · 28/04/2023 12:53

His clothes would be on the lawn for that. Doused in petrol.

What a complete lack of feeling for his son let alone his wife.

He's trained you well not to react to it. At what point are you going to?

BusMumsHoliday · 28/04/2023 12:53

He's either really selfish or really oblivious. Did you text/call him to say you were going into A&E? If he didn't even offer to come home at that point, that's really poor.

MatildaTheCat · 28/04/2023 12:54

That sounds like the icing on top of a very tall cake. A very miserable cake.

What are you planning on doing?

ArcticSkewer · 28/04/2023 12:58

Sounds like he checked out of your marriage and family life a while ago.
Is that okay with you?
If it isn't, you will need to be the one to force a change as he seems quite happy with his solution.

I hope your son is okay today

MojoMoon · 28/04/2023 12:59

What reasons are there to stay married to his man?

Your son must all feel quit hurt that his father is so lacking in interest or care for his wellbeing.

Is that the example you want your sons to see? To share their expectations of what fatherhood and marriage should be - a woman who does it all and a man who has checked out of family life?

SkyandSurf · 28/04/2023 13:00

He's disgraceful.

Why are you still married to him?

cestlavielife · 28/04/2023 13:02

Presumably he has been like this forx15 years. He wont change now
You can only change what you do
Eg go to work tell ds to call dad in emergency

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 28/04/2023 13:02

Why are you still married? If your brother is calling him out on this then clearly something is very wrong.

purpleboy · 28/04/2023 13:06

I can't actually believe what I've just read!

I take it this isn't the first time something like this has happened?
Do you talk to him about his attitude?

He seems to want to live the life of a single man whilst getting the benefit of a live in maid/cook/skivvy for free.

SparkyBlue · 28/04/2023 13:06

The fact that your brother is commenting on your husband's behaviour says it all really. Your family have possibly been pissed off for a long time but holding their tongue. I personally couldn't stay with him if he was unwilling to change

HoppingPavlova · 28/04/2023 13:09

Beyond odd and even odder that you appear to accept/put up with this.

TokyoSushi · 28/04/2023 13:15

That's honestly nuts OP, there's no way he should have gone, at least until you knew what was happening!

MisanthropicMe · 28/04/2023 13:16

What you describe sounds like hell. He's an inconsiderate, disrespectful, useless, selfish arsehole! Unless you're not financially secure enough to manage without him, get rid! And if you can't support yourself and your boys then start working towards being able to. You'd all be better off without him by the sounds of things.

FernGully43 · 28/04/2023 13:18

Sounds like he only cares about himself. What does he bring to your relationship, to your family life?

MsRosley · 28/04/2023 13:20

In your shoes, I really, really wouldn't want my sons to internalise this sort of selfish, uncaring behaviour as a model for how to be a man and husband when they grow up.

Beaverbridge · 28/04/2023 13:22

Selfish uncaring bastard.

Turfwars · 28/04/2023 13:23

He's making it clear to you all that he no longer gives a flying fuck about family life - so why is he still there?
Tell him to fuck off to his single life the utterly selfish prick.

TomatoSandwiches · 28/04/2023 13:24

How could you still choose to be married to a creature like that, his behaviour is atrocious, he obviously doesn't care about you or the children, only what suits him.

Thesharkradar · 28/04/2023 13:24

he knew that his son was very ill and he did not want to be lumbered with the time consuming inconvenience of dealing with the problem, mostly because it interferes with his plans to indulge himself in his hobbies and interests.
So he scarpered as quickly as he could so that he could get to his hobbies and interests before you had chance to stop him.