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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Zero contrition at choosing to go out when DS may have had to go to hospital

160 replies

AlwaysTheGoodGirl · 28/04/2023 12:44

I came home from work yesterday to DS15 throwing up in the bathroom, in a bit of a panic, and seemingly having quite a severe allergic reaction to some granola he'd just eaten. He had a shower and got into bed while I cleaned up in the bathroom (major task, all over the place) but then I noticed his skin was very red and lots of hives were covering his whole body. I quickly gave him a fexofenadine and rang 111.

In the meantime, DH went outside and I could hear him getting in the car. I opened the bedroom window to shout to tell him not to take the car away as I might have to get DS to hospital. He grumbled about it and said he'd just go and get the bus. Bearing in mind he could see DS was not well, I thought he was just planning a quick trip to the shop, nothing else, but when he said he was going to "get the bus in" I knew that meant he was going into town for one of his many gigs or whatever he does. And off he went. 111 said they'd get a doctor to call me in the next hour, and when I got the call, he told us to go to A&E.

So, and this is something else DH was well aware of, we also have a DS11 who would either now have to come with us to the hospital for god knows how long, or stay at home and I would have to find someone to come and look after him. Thankfully my brother and SIL said they could come, and so DS15 and I went off to A&E.

Got a text from brother at 11pm to say DH was now home so they would leave. We got home around 1am having been checked over and told that the fexofenadine had solved the problem, but to keep an eye out for any secondary reactions. All very tiring and stressful, and when I eventually got to bed, I had the joy of snoring to contend with so I ended up downstairs on the sofa.

Brother texted me this morning to see how DS was (nothing from DH, I might add) and said that when DH came in last night, there was no "thanks so much for coming, I'm so sorry you had to come, maybe I shouldn't have gone out." Oh no. Apparently he was all full of chat about how we've really enjoyed our family trips to the Lake District, that he's feeling much fitter for doing a few climbs, that we're all looking forward to a wedding coming up in the summer and a holiday in November. All the pretence of happy families when he just f*cks off to gigs or the cinema all the time. He's been out every night this week, including the night his son is in hospital. No contrition whatsoever. Either he's got a master's degree in manipulation making everyone thinks everything's champagne and roses and we have a lovely supportive relationship, or he's just a thick idiot. Am I overreacting thinking he should be ashamed of himself for choosing to go out??? He doesn't seem to see any problem in doing so. I've also taken a day off work today to look after DS, when he could have easily worked from home today. Nope, off he went this morning, not a word. I'm so conditioned to accept his ways, this feels like another thing that he just does. Should I be raging?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 28/04/2023 15:40

Find your anger and file for divorce.

You aren't imposing on anyone else you are simply deciding to not put up with him treating you and the DC badly.

mynamechangemyrules · 28/04/2023 15:41

*too Blush

Original poster
AlwaysTheGoodGirl · 28/04/2023 15:44

@SavBlancTonight yes it's Bears. I'm easily recognisable!

OP posts:
Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 28/04/2023 15:47

AlwaysTheGoodGirl · 28/04/2023 15:37

Just quickly to reply as I'm on the school run, the voice in my head does absolutely say this is ridiculous and I have to tell him to leave. But it also says I'm somehow not allowed to impose my decision on everyone or allow myself to be happy

I think you’ll all be happier. He seems to be living the single life, your dc aren’t benefiting from having a father at home, your family can see right through him and you will be lighter and happier without him!

My Dh isn’t my dc dad but has dashed home from work and cancelled plans on various occasions when my dc have been ill. Even though they are now adults and all moved out, he would still put them first.

Original poster
AlwaysTheGoodGirl · 28/04/2023 15:50

@RichardHeed yes, that's right. I've found that if me and ds11 are snuggling on the sofa and DH comes in the room, he moves away from me

OP posts:
Original poster
AlwaysTheGoodGirl · 28/04/2023 15:52

Exactly @mynamechangemyrules I have been waiting and waiting for the big thing, when all the while the small things (not that this is small, obviously) add up to be the big thing

OP posts:
aloris · 28/04/2023 15:53

Sorry, are your sons allergic reactions usually this severe? Are they going to give you an epipen for him? I would be quite worried that he was in the middle of a severe allergic reaction and your husband, who was already home, was apparently just ignoring it?

I would be quite ruthless about this personally. Your primary job as parents is to keep the kids alive till adulthood. If your husband can't be bothered to make the slightest effort toward that, you have to protect your son from it. So whatever you need to do legally to get to that point, that's what I would do.

Datafan55 · 28/04/2023 15:58

I just thinking 'sociopath'.

diflasu · 28/04/2023 15:59

The more you write the more it clear you need to see a solicitor and start a divorce.

I think it clear you'd have your families support and that the current relationship is damaging to you and your children.

But it also says I'm somehow not allowed to impose my decision on everyone or allow myself to be happy

At very least your children deserve better so do it for them if you can't for you - reach out to your family and ask them to help get the ball rolling so you have the support to keep going and get sorted long term.

SavBlancTonight · 28/04/2023 16:01

AlwaysTheGoodGirl · 28/04/2023 15:44

@SavBlancTonight yes it's Bears. I'm easily recognisable!

You are. Mostly because you are a dead ringer for MY SIL who also put up with shitty behaviour for years and somehow thought she was being unreasonable when she questioned his behaviour, even when everyone told her that she wasn't.

Putting aside faults your pathalogical fear of being blamed for the marriage breaking down.... what on earth else keeps you in this relationship? Becuase if that's all it is, really, be honest, it's a shit reason. No one (except him maybe) will blame you but even if they did, so what? You'd be free of him forever.

DunkingMyDonuts · 28/04/2023 16:02

Well your wait is over.

This IS "the big thing".

He couldnt care less about his own child having to go to hospital. THAT is the thing that should end your marriage.

SavBlancTonight · 28/04/2023 16:03

aloris · 28/04/2023 15:53

Sorry, are your sons allergic reactions usually this severe? Are they going to give you an epipen for him? I would be quite worried that he was in the middle of a severe allergic reaction and your husband, who was already home, was apparently just ignoring it?

I would be quite ruthless about this personally. Your primary job as parents is to keep the kids alive till adulthood. If your husband can't be bothered to make the slightest effort toward that, you have to protect your son from it. So whatever you need to do legally to get to that point, that's what I would do.

I also have to agree with this. I suspect that, again, like my SIL, you're staying becuase on some level you think it's better for the DC. It's not. Trust me. They're being hugely damaged by this behaviour and his lack of concern and, as importantly, by your unwillingness to protect them from him.

LookItsMeAgain · 28/04/2023 16:06

AlwaysTheGoodGirl · 28/04/2023 15:37

Just quickly to reply as I'm on the school run, the voice in my head does absolutely say this is ridiculous and I have to tell him to leave. But it also says I'm somehow not allowed to impose my decision on everyone or allow myself to be happy

You don't have to tell him to leave, you have the ability to leave him yourself.

Find your gumption and leave him. It's quite clear that family are behind you with that decision. So make May the month where things start improving for you & your kids because you make it happen!

BadNomad · 28/04/2023 16:06

YABU to still be with this man. This has been going on for years. Everyone has been telling you for years. You keep saying you're leaving, then you change your mind. There is no point being raging at him. It won't change anything. Does your older son realise his father doesn't give a fuck about him?

MakesMeFeelSad · 28/04/2023 16:09

I've read your other threads. This man has no respect for you or his children. If you have been waiting for a big thing then this is it. To have no concern for his child like he has should be the final straw

You'll be much happier with him gone

Nanny0gg · 28/04/2023 16:13

Why are you letting your children live with this man?

Why are you living with this man?

What will it take for you to get rid?

IVbumble · 28/04/2023 16:20

It sounds hard OP. Nothing needs to change until you are ready.

It's likely the harder thing is staying with him even though your fears try to deceive you that staying is easier.

Remember every day you stay your DC are learning that living with an abusive man is acceptable & being an abusive man is acceptable.

You are worthy of better. It's ok to leave a relationship for any reason or no reason at all.

SugarSyrup · 28/04/2023 16:21

THIS is the big thing. Leave. you deserve a life without this xx

RobinaHood · 28/04/2023 16:25

YABU to put up with this, to have written such a flowery OP (we didn't need to read all the rubbish he supposedly said to your DB and your DB supposedly reported back to you). And your DB was BU to tell you all that and not say anything to your DH. I can just imagine what my DB would say if my DH did that. But then, I would have made it clear to my DH that I needed him to cancel his plans and stay home because DS was ill. And told him if he went out not to come back.
Your DH doesn't need to show contrition. You need to draw a line.
Hope your DS is feeling better.

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 28/04/2023 16:48

That made for such a sad read, that a father can be so indifferent to their own child's wellbeing. How hurtful for your son, to know that he just doesn't feature in his father's list of priorities. I wouldn't bother trying to get him to change because that's just not going to happen. You and your kids will have such a happier home life without him there like some weird housemate who contributes nothing to anyone's happiness.

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 28/04/2023 16:49

AlwaysTheGoodGirl · 28/04/2023 15:52

Exactly @mynamechangemyrules I have been waiting and waiting for the big thing, when all the while the small things (not that this is small, obviously) add up to be the big thing

This would definitely be a Big Thing in my book.

Mix56 · 28/04/2023 16:49

I almost stopped reading when you said he was taking the car.
He just doesn't care does he ?
The only thing to do, is say. "I'm not living like this anymore,,you are leaving".
You are going to be direct, unswerving & have the nerves if steel, if not he will simply shrug it off & do as he pleases (again)

azlazee1 · 28/04/2023 16:50

You may have a husband but you certainly don't have a partner. If he wants to act like a single guy, maybe that's what he should be. You must decide if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life.

justasking111 · 28/04/2023 16:51

@AlwaysTheGoodGirl doesn't need to leave. Where's she going to go with two children ?

He can leave!! Pack his bags and change the locks.

IWantRebeccasConfidence · 28/04/2023 17:03

Really not normal, and how could anyone leave in that situation. Even if I was just dropping off something from a school friend and saw your son in that state and you were thinking about hospital i as a stranger would have offered a lift or some baby sitting until you had family. Your husband is a dick. Tell your family you want to leave him and can they help.

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