Zero contrition at choosing to go out when DS may have had to go to hospital

[AlwaysTheGoodGirl]

I came home from work yesterday to DS15 throwing up in the bathroom, in a bit of a panic, and seemingly having quite a severe allergic reaction to some granola he'd just eaten. He had a shower and got into bed while I cleaned up in the bathroom (major task, all over the place) but then I noticed his skin was very red and lots of hives were covering his whole body. I quickly gave him a fexofenadine and rang 111.

In the meantime, DH went outside and I could hear him getting in the car. I opened the bedroom window to shout to tell him not to take the car away as I might have to get DS to hospital. He grumbled about it and said he'd just go and get the bus. Bearing in mind he could see DS was not well, I thought he was just planning a quick trip to the shop, nothing else, but when he said he was going to "get the bus in" I knew that meant he was going into town for one of his many gigs or whatever he does. And off he went. 111 said they'd get a doctor to call me in the next hour, and when I got the call, he told us to go to A&E.

So, and this is something else DH was well aware of, we also have a DS11 who would either now have to come with us to the hospital for god knows how long, or stay at home and I would have to find someone to come and look after him. Thankfully my brother and SIL said they could come, and so DS15 and I went off to A&E.

Got a text from brother at 11pm to say DH was now home so they would leave. We got home around 1am having been checked over and told that the fexofenadine had solved the problem, but to keep an eye out for any secondary reactions. All very tiring and stressful, and when I eventually got to bed, I had the joy of snoring to contend with so I ended up downstairs on the sofa.

Brother texted me this morning to see how DS was (nothing from DH, I might add) and said that when DH came in last night, there was no "thanks so much for coming, I'm so sorry you had to come, maybe I shouldn't have gone out." Oh no. Apparently he was all full of chat about how we've really enjoyed our family trips to the Lake District, that he's feeling much fitter for doing a few climbs, that we're all looking forward to a wedding coming up in the summer and a holiday in November. All the pretence of happy families when he just f*cks off to gigs or the cinema all the time. He's been out every night this week, including the night his son is in hospital. No contrition whatsoever. Either he's got a master's degree in manipulation making everyone thinks everything's champagne and roses and we have a lovely supportive relationship, or he's just a thick idiot. Am I overreacting thinking he should be ashamed of himself for choosing to go out??? He doesn't seem to see any problem in doing so. I've also taken a day off work today to look after DS, when he could have easily worked from home today. Nope, off he went this morning, not a word. I'm so conditioned to accept his ways, this feels like another thing that he just does. Should I be raging?

She shouldn't need to explain it and he sounds like an utter bellend, but OP does sound unusually passive and I think it's throwing people.

Most people wouldn't need to ask if they were unreasonable if it were unreasonable that their husband left their potentially-about-to-be-hospitalised child to go out having done so every night that week. It's strange that OP does - it's obviously not okay, or normal. I think people are wondering why OP didn't just go - no, of course you're not going to fucking town, our son needs to go to hospital?

That doesn't make it her fault he went, but it IS weird that she didn't say something.

Op this is beyond belief. Seriously.

Every day on mn there are tales of horrible nasty fathers and husbands and this is up there with the worst of them.

Should you be raging? - you should have left him a very long time ago. What on Earth are you showing your children about how fathers should behave?

There isn't a world where this is normal OP, but I think deep down you're starting to realise that.
You're worth more than this and so are your children. Leave.

That's shocking, especially when you had a younger child at home that needed looking after.
Did you call him to come home, before calling your brother?
I think it'd be a dream breaker for me.

Hope your DS is OK now

Why is everyone telling the OP to leave? It's the selfish H who needs kicking to the kerb.

Oh my god, stupid fat fingers! Deal breaker not dream breaker - although maybe that too!

Whoa, chill your beans.

I'm just confused as to why OP didn't say a thing. It's really odd that she's this (justifiably) livid, but it doesn't sound like she said a thing to her DH. I'm not excising his behaviour, he's a bellend, but maybe he thought his DS just had a bug and OP was overeacting?

Also wondered whether OP was actually afraid to speak up, and therefore whether abuse was adding an extra layer here.

It's a turn of phrase.

A new level of selfish.

I'm so conditioned to accept his ways, this feels like another thing that he just does

Think this might be the right time to have a conversation about how your life is going to be from now on.

It’s possible these things built up over time.

I remember toward the end of my relationship, bringing up things to my friends (and on here!) and asking if they were normal because I’d been gaslit so much that while I knew I was upset, I couldn’t tell if it was justifiably so or not. I remember going back and forth thinking ‘if I acted like that, I’d feel horribly guilty. I’d feel like an awful parent. So why doesn’t he?’ And coming up with all sorts of answers, from ‘because he’s a dick’ (the actual answer) to ‘because it’s my fault for upsetting him in the first place’ (cringe).

His behaviour was appalling. Anyone who could leave their child who was ill enough to require hospital treatment to swan off for a night out has serious issues going on. Is he trying to push you into leaving him?

@Sunshinesky1981 brilliant 😂👏

She shouldn't need to explain it and he sounds like an utter bellend, but OP does sound unusually passive and I think it's throwing people.

I don't understand the passivity - I wonder if that why the brother felt need to say something as this behavior is not normal or acceptable.

I think couples counselling with relate or better yet showing him the door - yes it scary and will have implications for children and possibly financially but modeling the lack of concern, for children and you, to the kids is also damaging.

counselling? you dont need counselling to know you dont go o9ut when youre child is that ill

i dont have dc and i would even leave if any of my family were that ill

Thank you all for your replies. I know I have been too soft for years and years, and am letting this happen. All my family and friends (and even some of his family) are willing me to get rid of him. I just feel worn down, and I know whatever I say to him, he'll come back with something that will make me doubt myself once again. A text below from my sister in law says it all.

hes been gaslighting you op none of this is your fault

your family can see it and even his-doesnt that tell you something

OP, that text from your SIL really does say it all. It sounds like everyone is telling you to expect better. Just adding my voice to that cry...

They are all telling you to leave the marriage. We are all saying the same. What is the voice in your head saying, as it seems to be saying something different?

Bears, is that you? You know you have to leave this relationship and this man. It's not clear how he's managed to convince you that any of this is normal. Not just random strangers on the internet but friends and family are telling you this isn't okay.

Assuming it is you, you need therapy becuase you are clearly so damaged by the shit he's put you through that you've lost all sense of perspective. if it's not you, then here's an alert - No, this behaviour is not normal nor in the slightest bit acceptable.

In your text message, the part at the bottom '(redacted) was having a laugh with (redacted) but as soon as (redacted) came in he seemed to stop' - was that your DS11 was having a laugh with your SIL partner but when your husband came in DS11 stopped?
If so its says it all.

He's living the life of a single man, pre kids. Most parents, whether still in a relationship with the other parent or not, would have been more concerned for their own child and at the very least checked in! That's before you take into account that he lives in the same house and should be your partner.

The fact he wanted to take the car and hadn't taken into consideration your son's needs either means he's incredibly selfish or completely oblivious (possibly thinking you're overreacting if this is something that has happened before?).

Most normal relationships, you'd know where each other were headed too, so the fact he's been out every night but you don't know his plans/vague whereabouts is also odd!

Why are you still in a relationship?

Just quickly to reply as I'm on the school run, the voice in my head does absolutely say this is ridiculous and I have to tell him to leave. But it also says I'm somehow not allowed to impose my decision on everyone or allow myself to be happy

OP this sounds so like me but I left when the children were small in the end. Still left it way to long because I think I was waiting for 'a big thing' not realising the entire way he treated us every day in the small mundane moments was the big thing.