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Original poster

Zero contrition at choosing to go out when DS may have had to go to hospital

160 replies

AlwaysTheGoodGirl · 28/04/2023 12:44

I came home from work yesterday to DS15 throwing up in the bathroom, in a bit of a panic, and seemingly having quite a severe allergic reaction to some granola he'd just eaten. He had a shower and got into bed while I cleaned up in the bathroom (major task, all over the place) but then I noticed his skin was very red and lots of hives were covering his whole body. I quickly gave him a fexofenadine and rang 111.

In the meantime, DH went outside and I could hear him getting in the car. I opened the bedroom window to shout to tell him not to take the car away as I might have to get DS to hospital. He grumbled about it and said he'd just go and get the bus. Bearing in mind he could see DS was not well, I thought he was just planning a quick trip to the shop, nothing else, but when he said he was going to "get the bus in" I knew that meant he was going into town for one of his many gigs or whatever he does. And off he went. 111 said they'd get a doctor to call me in the next hour, and when I got the call, he told us to go to A&E.

So, and this is something else DH was well aware of, we also have a DS11 who would either now have to come with us to the hospital for god knows how long, or stay at home and I would have to find someone to come and look after him. Thankfully my brother and SIL said they could come, and so DS15 and I went off to A&E.

Got a text from brother at 11pm to say DH was now home so they would leave. We got home around 1am having been checked over and told that the fexofenadine had solved the problem, but to keep an eye out for any secondary reactions. All very tiring and stressful, and when I eventually got to bed, I had the joy of snoring to contend with so I ended up downstairs on the sofa.

Brother texted me this morning to see how DS was (nothing from DH, I might add) and said that when DH came in last night, there was no "thanks so much for coming, I'm so sorry you had to come, maybe I shouldn't have gone out." Oh no. Apparently he was all full of chat about how we've really enjoyed our family trips to the Lake District, that he's feeling much fitter for doing a few climbs, that we're all looking forward to a wedding coming up in the summer and a holiday in November. All the pretence of happy families when he just f*cks off to gigs or the cinema all the time. He's been out every night this week, including the night his son is in hospital. No contrition whatsoever. Either he's got a master's degree in manipulation making everyone thinks everything's champagne and roses and we have a lovely supportive relationship, or he's just a thick idiot. Am I overreacting thinking he should be ashamed of himself for choosing to go out??? He doesn't seem to see any problem in doing so. I've also taken a day off work today to look after DS, when he could have easily worked from home today. Nope, off he went this morning, not a word. I'm so conditioned to accept his ways, this feels like another thing that he just does. Should I be raging?

OP posts:
ScrambledSmegs · 28/04/2023 17:05

AlwaysTheGoodGirl · 28/04/2023 15:52

Exactly @mynamechangemyrules I have been waiting and waiting for the big thing, when all the while the small things (not that this is small, obviously) add up to be the big thing

As PP have said, this is the Big Thing. For the sake of your DC, if not your own, I hope you can use this as the impetus to change your lives for the better - without that man who doesn't care about any of you.

Iwas · 28/04/2023 17:09

You know that this is it now.

Try and get some support, therapy if you can, and you will find the strength to do this.

mellicauli · 28/04/2023 17:15

I feel so sorry for your sons. It must be tough to have a Dad who cares so little for them. It seems very galling that he wants all the perks of family life (holidays, weddings) but can't see his way to meeting his basic parental responsibilities and that your brother has to do it for him.

You deserve better too, don't you?

Earthworms · 28/04/2023 17:19

OP, for context, we had almost the exact same situation in my house this week.. DD had an allergic reaction to something, came out in hives/ swollen lips etc.

DH has a painful chronic illness and had already gone to bed — but once he heard me on the phone to 111, got up and dressed, ready to help me take her to A&E. (we’re rural, and it’s over an hour away). I told him not to be daft and to go back to bed, but he insisted — and tbh whilst I don’t NEED him to come, it is a massive help having both of us go because parking is non existent and it’s in a super—dodgy area and no one else needed looking after at home. We could dash in whilst he sorted parking and paying, we could take turns at popping off to find snacks and the loo and not have to leave the Ill child etc etc

so that’s a reaction of a normal bloke, who is absolutely not a prince among men, and can be an arse at times. But in an emergency that’s what an actual normal person would do.

bringbacksideburns · 28/04/2023 17:22

If you don’t do it for yourself then do it for your boys. Imagine the worse case scenario last night and him strolling in late without a care in the world and you totally alone in the hospital. Grieving? What a sorry excuse for a father he is.
Sounds to me like your relatives can’t stand him. Your SIL is even telling you not to go away with him!

I would tell him to go tonight and you need some time alone. It’s not like he’s ever there anyway - no doubt he will be off out again tonight.
Get him out of the house and get legal advice.

I agree he has already checked out. He is acting like a 20 year old with no kids, wife or responsibilities. And he will continue this way unless you stop him.

blueshoes · 28/04/2023 17:30

AlwaysTheGoodGirl · 28/04/2023 15:50

@RichardHeed yes, that's right. I've found that if me and ds11 are snuggling on the sofa and DH comes in the room, he moves away from me

This broke my heart. I am so so sorry for your ds11. He cannot process why adults behave the way they do.

I want to shake your shoulders and say, please just grow a pair and protect your sons FFS. But instead, I will let everyone else just pussyfoot around you and hope tha one day you will grow a pair.

What will it take?

diflasu · 28/04/2023 17:40

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 28/04/2023 16:49

This would definitely be a Big Thing in my book.

Show quote history

I agree - this is a massive thing.

It does make me wonder what other big things you've minimised over the years.

The kids are being damaged by not even being on your DH radar - they are learning powerful dangerous lesson about how little they matter.

So you can't be staying for their sakes - so it must be fear holding you back - so ask you clearly very on board family for help so you can and do leave ( though by that I mean he leaves the house and you get a solicitor ie you leave the relationship)

Blort · 28/04/2023 17:47

Whose opinion do you trust?

It's clear you don't trust yourself. And it's evident you can't trust his opinion - his behaviour says he's not fit to look after a hamster let alone another person's life decisions.

Your sister sounded quite worried in her message, especially for your 11yo. Why not separate for a while and just see what a clear head and house feels like.

Kennykenkencat · 28/04/2023 17:47

I know whatever I say to him, he'll come back with something that will make me doubt myself once again

You don’t have to doubt yourself or give a reason for him to convince you otherwise

You are getting a divorce is all you need to say. You don’t even have to give a reason and you don’t have to listen to his reply.

What ever reason he gives to make you doubt yourself, you can stick your fingers in your ears and don’t listen.

I suspect he is thinking that he only has to wait a few more years and then he will not be paying CM. Either that or he has someone else and isn’t ready to cut ties with his current life as they aren’t at that stage and he hasn’t decided how to make the split your fault . Note how he puts on a show of happy families for other people hoping if he gives them a load of chat they will forget about him going out when his son was in hospital

He doesn’t love you and he doesn’t love his son.
You are not going to break anyones heart if you split. You are doing more damage staying

RandomMess · 28/04/2023 17:51

You don't need a major reason to divorce. Being unhappy is enough.

Sleepydoor · 28/04/2023 17:51

I know this isn't the point of your post, but as a parent of a child with life threatening allergies, I recommend you ensure DS is prescribed an Epipen and you figure out exactly what he's allergic to because if my DC was vomiting and had hives I would have given him them an Epipen and called an ambulance. Even if your DS's symptoms were controlled this time with the fexofenadine, it may not the next time.

AuntMarch · 28/04/2023 17:55

Even if you didn't deserve to be happy (you do, though), your children deserve to be around people who love them and care for them and role model healthy relationships to them (romantic or otherwise).

If you can't do it for yourself, do it for them.

ChopperC110P · 28/04/2023 18:03

This was much worse than I expected. How did you even get to having a 15 and 11yr old without binning this horrible excuse for a father and partner? It’s not your fault he is like this, but you have put up with this for far too long.

It’s completely unfair and uncaring how he treats you and his sons. I don’t think I’d even bother with counselling or trying to get him to be a better person. I’d be kicking him out and changing the locks on the doors.

MrsCarson · 28/04/2023 18:12

AlwaysTheGoodGirl · 28/04/2023 15:52

Exactly @mynamechangemyrules I have been waiting and waiting for the big thing, when all the while the small things (not that this is small, obviously) add up to be the big thing

They all add up. It's death of a thousand cuts. Time to get yourself sorted and get on with it.

Hankunamatata · 28/04/2023 18:13

This is a huge thing. What is dc had a major secondary reaction etc. He doesn't care about the kids or you.

Kennykenkencat · 28/04/2023 18:14

What happens if you weren’t there when either one of your ds’s need urgent medical attention. If you are on your own you would put in place a responsible adult
By staying you are relying on their father to step up and deal with anything like this.

The next time it could be more serious and from their dads reaction I would think he more than likely won’t do anything and will step over them on his way out the door

Cherrysoup · 28/04/2023 18:18

I’m actually gobsmacked. He went out despite you saying you would probably have to go to hospital with your son?! Wtf? My dh wouldn’t go out if it was the dog who was unwell! Have some respect for yourself, my lovely. You are ALLOWED to leave him, it’s not a marriage, is it? He’s your roommate.

privileged · 28/04/2023 18:22

Throw him back op! It will probably less stressful knowing you are parenting alone than having an awful partner who doesn't attempt to do any parenting with you. What did your BIL and SIL say? Of course I would do what they did in a heartbeat but I would be thinking wtaf especially when he waltzed in after his night out and showed no regard for the welfare of his son. Did either of the DC say anything?

Original poster
AlwaysTheGoodGirl · 28/04/2023 18:23

Perversely, his uselessness as a parent is part of the reason I've kept hanging on. I don't trust him to be competent enough to have them on his own when we do separate. When ds11 was 3, DH failed to notice that his face had swollen up so much he couldn't speak, and when I arrived home from work to find him like this I rushed him straight to hospital and we were there for five days.

Awaits further kindly-meant slaps around the face

OP posts:
MojoMoon · 28/04/2023 18:25

Your sons are old enough now for you to take the leap more confidently - it sounds like they don't have a good relationship with him so are not likely to wish to spend much time at his place?

What's the next steps for you?

BadNomad · 28/04/2023 18:30

What makes you think he will have them when you separate? He has no interest in them. They'll just get in the way of his trips to Glasgow.

Giselletheunicorn · 28/04/2023 18:34

A shit husband and a shit father, he sounds like quite the package....

I'm so sorry OP. Having kids in hospital is SO stressful. Hope your DS is doing better.

Freefall212 · 28/04/2023 18:35

This is what what scary and I woulsn't want to even put him in a position of responsibility for the kids given his apparent complete lack of concern or interest in his son. That is just incredibly self centered and also lacking even basic social norms of asking after someone who is ill - even if he truly doesn't care about his child. Think of the message this sends the boys.

Thesharkradar · 28/04/2023 18:35

these things happen slowly, it's frog boiling, and bc you are nice & give everyone the benefit of the doubt, you blame yourself, bc you doubt yourself you create doubt when there isnt any...and give him the benefit of it.
It is very hard to take on board, to process, his complete indifference, I think that's why the mind jumps to the 'I must be imagining it' type option....it's unthinkable that a parent could have so little regard for the wellbeing of your child & it's completely alien to you and you dont want to believe it (maybe even feel guilty for thinking so badly of him?)
I understand why you dont want to let him have them alone, can you build enough of a case against him that he's not allowed access?

Thesharkradar · 28/04/2023 18:37

You have to make a plan now OP🙏

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