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Original poster

Zero contrition at choosing to go out when DS may have had to go to hospital

160 replies

AlwaysTheGoodGirl · 28/04/2023 12:44

I came home from work yesterday to DS15 throwing up in the bathroom, in a bit of a panic, and seemingly having quite a severe allergic reaction to some granola he'd just eaten. He had a shower and got into bed while I cleaned up in the bathroom (major task, all over the place) but then I noticed his skin was very red and lots of hives were covering his whole body. I quickly gave him a fexofenadine and rang 111.

In the meantime, DH went outside and I could hear him getting in the car. I opened the bedroom window to shout to tell him not to take the car away as I might have to get DS to hospital. He grumbled about it and said he'd just go and get the bus. Bearing in mind he could see DS was not well, I thought he was just planning a quick trip to the shop, nothing else, but when he said he was going to "get the bus in" I knew that meant he was going into town for one of his many gigs or whatever he does. And off he went. 111 said they'd get a doctor to call me in the next hour, and when I got the call, he told us to go to A&E.

So, and this is something else DH was well aware of, we also have a DS11 who would either now have to come with us to the hospital for god knows how long, or stay at home and I would have to find someone to come and look after him. Thankfully my brother and SIL said they could come, and so DS15 and I went off to A&E.

Got a text from brother at 11pm to say DH was now home so they would leave. We got home around 1am having been checked over and told that the fexofenadine had solved the problem, but to keep an eye out for any secondary reactions. All very tiring and stressful, and when I eventually got to bed, I had the joy of snoring to contend with so I ended up downstairs on the sofa.

Brother texted me this morning to see how DS was (nothing from DH, I might add) and said that when DH came in last night, there was no "thanks so much for coming, I'm so sorry you had to come, maybe I shouldn't have gone out." Oh no. Apparently he was all full of chat about how we've really enjoyed our family trips to the Lake District, that he's feeling much fitter for doing a few climbs, that we're all looking forward to a wedding coming up in the summer and a holiday in November. All the pretence of happy families when he just f*cks off to gigs or the cinema all the time. He's been out every night this week, including the night his son is in hospital. No contrition whatsoever. Either he's got a master's degree in manipulation making everyone thinks everything's champagne and roses and we have a lovely supportive relationship, or he's just a thick idiot. Am I overreacting thinking he should be ashamed of himself for choosing to go out??? He doesn't seem to see any problem in doing so. I've also taken a day off work today to look after DS, when he could have easily worked from home today. Nope, off he went this morning, not a word. I'm so conditioned to accept his ways, this feels like another thing that he just does. Should I be raging?

OP posts:
Theluggagerules · 28/04/2023 18:38

So when they were too young to be left with them you protected them by staying... now they are old enough to go! He won't have them overnight as it would interfere with his plans and they are old enough to choose not to go anyway... protect all of you by getting rid of him now

GeorgiaGirl52 · 28/04/2023 18:59

Your children are 11 and 15. Old enough to say they do not want to go to visit their father (if they don't) and old enough to call you if they feel ill or are left alone or there is no food in his house. You cannot use "protecting the children" as an excuse anymore. Either trow him out or take the kids and leave. Do not go to the wedding with him - instead go see a lawyer and start divorce proceedings.

Original poster
AlwaysTheGoodGirl · 28/04/2023 19:10

He arrived home from work and asked ds15 how he's feeling now, in his voice of concern. Ds15 is now upstairs in his room and has already suggested we go out on our bikes for a while, which tells you a lot. He's feeling much better now, thanks all. And now DH is stuck into his football youtube videos and is wittering on to himself while eating his tea. He's just a weird man.

OP posts:
CrackerAndPudding · 28/04/2023 19:17

Honest to God, you're doing yourself and your boys absolutely no favours staying with him. By not acting, and not leaving its not just you who suffers.

For all three of your sakes cut him loose.

blueshoes · 28/04/2023 19:26

He's just a weird man.

No he is not. OP, you are minimising it

Notsurewhatodohere · 28/04/2023 19:27

I understand you hesitating to split in case your ex neglects the children when they are in his care. I delayed for exactly the same reason (I live in a country where 50/50 custody is the norm generally imposed by courts) I left when my DS was 11 and able to voice concerns have a phone etc... you might be at a similar stage now depending on your child's maturity. Things get much better once you move on.🤗

TomatoSandwiches · 28/04/2023 19:34

Being weird doesn't give you a free pass to be selfish, neglectful, dismissive, manipulative and emotionally abusive.

Your sons will thank you for leaving him.

SaulSobieski · 28/04/2023 19:38

AlwaysTheGoodGirl · 28/04/2023 18:23

Perversely, his uselessness as a parent is part of the reason I've kept hanging on. I don't trust him to be competent enough to have them on his own when we do separate. When ds11 was 3, DH failed to notice that his face had swollen up so much he couldn't speak, and when I arrived home from work to find him like this I rushed him straight to hospital and we were there for five days.

Awaits further kindly-meant slaps around the face

Well then you may have to get a court ordered arrangement that he doesn't have them on his own - citing these two incidents and any others.

That's totally unfair on you but ateotd it's necessary and they're not young kids. Maybe your family or his family could "babysit" to give you time out.

lkkjhg · 28/04/2023 19:52

Tell him to leave tonight.

His son had an allergic reaction and he was more interested in going out.
He doesn't care for any of you.

SaulSobieski · 28/04/2023 19:53

AlwaysTheGoodGirl · 28/04/2023 19:10

He arrived home from work and asked ds15 how he's feeling now, in his voice of concern. Ds15 is now upstairs in his room and has already suggested we go out on our bikes for a while, which tells you a lot. He's feeling much better now, thanks all. And now DH is stuck into his football youtube videos and is wittering on to himself while eating his tea. He's just a weird man.

He's mental by the sounds of it.

It's not doing yourself or your kids any good to live with a mental man.

Release him into bachelordom - where he belongs. Nobody should be being subjected to him and you've taken probably two decades (?) of it. Your kids have taken it their whole lives.

For your whole family to be aware, hold the opinion of him they do and want you to get rid of him .... Says it all.

SaulSobieski · 28/04/2023 19:54

SaulSobieski · 28/04/2023 19:38

Well then you may have to get a court ordered arrangement that he doesn't have them on his own - citing these two incidents and any others.

That's totally unfair on you but ateotd it's necessary and they're not young kids. Maybe your family or his family could "babysit" to give you time out.

Show quote history

Do you really think he'll be pushing for his time with them anyway?!

Blort · 28/04/2023 20:11

There's no way he's going to give up his life to have them regularly or overnight. He'll disney dad and take them to the cinema etc. When he does have them make sure the boys are together and both have phones.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 28/04/2023 20:17

I'm sorry but what are you doing? Have you continued to have an intimate relationship with this dickhead while he's shown no regard for your sons for years? If so, why? How can you even be in the same room as him? What have you and him taught your boys? I hope they know that this isn't how a father/husband should be.

cannaecookrisotto · 28/04/2023 20:44

He should be really ashamed of himself. The fact your brother is pointing it out tells you full well he's a cunt.

Bin.

SavBlancTonight · 28/04/2023 20:49

AlwaysTheGoodGirl · 28/04/2023 18:23

Perversely, his uselessness as a parent is part of the reason I've kept hanging on. I don't trust him to be competent enough to have them on his own when we do separate. When ds11 was 3, DH failed to notice that his face had swollen up so much he couldn't speak, and when I arrived home from work to find him like this I rushed him straight to hospital and we were there for five days.

Awaits further kindly-meant slaps around the face

Here's your kindly-meant slap around the face from me. <slap slap>

This man is completely selfish, you don't have to worry about his competence becuase I can assure you, he will not be spending any real time with the DC. Let's recap - he went out every night this week. When, if he was single, would he be finding the time to have the DC over? And in the event that he threatens you with this, you can feel free to laugh in his face. By the sounds of it, your family and friends have his number. You have about 1000 witnesses to his shitty and useless parenting!

Thesharkradar · 28/04/2023 21:33

SaulSobieski · 28/04/2023 19:54

Do you really think he'll be pushing for his time with them anyway?!

Show quote history

My concern would be that he might push hard for contact but when it happens be neglectful in order to punish her for leaving him, as said though they are old enough to make their own choices so that could negate any issues over contact?

MakesMeFeelSad · 28/04/2023 21:58

They are 15 and 11, old enough to ring you if anything happens while at their dad's and also old enough to vote with their feet and refuse to go if they don't want to

JudgeRudy · 28/04/2023 22:28

It doesn't sound like your husband is inheritantly selfish, it sounds more like he's oblivious.
He likes to go to gigs (bands /singers I presume) and so does. You've not objected so he carries on. Maybe he presumes if you wanted to do something you would. This night your son was sick but he went for a lie down and you cleared up. I'd say he thought everything was in hand and when he went off to the gig hou asked him to use bus not take car. I doubt he thought you would need to rush your son to hospital for emergency treatment. You didn't call him or update him or ask him to come home. Why not?He gets own to be confronted by sister. He has a pleasant conversation with them and they leave.
If you don't like him going out tell him. Would you like to go out? Then go. Would you like to do something together...then suggest something.
I'm unsure why you didn't ring him. I'm unsure why you involved your ILs. Does an 11 year old need babysitting? Why moan to them.
I think your husbands probably more laid back than you. You sound like you're raging but it's business as usual. Your sons a bit poorly, your dealing with it. It doesn't need two.

blueshoes · 28/04/2023 22:32

@JudgeRudy are you OP's dh?

Clueless is putting it very mildly.

JudgeRudy · 28/04/2023 22:38

blueshoes · 28/04/2023 22:32

@JudgeRudy are you OP's dh?

Clueless is putting it very mildly.

I'm just offering a different perspective, that he felt everything was under control.

BadNomad · 28/04/2023 22:44

It doesn't sound like your husband is inheritantly selfish, it sounds more like he's oblivious.

Nah, this particular man is selfish. The OP has posted many threads about him just taking himself off without a word and not telling her when he'll be back. He doesn't care what inconvenience it causes. He just goes.

blueshoes · 28/04/2023 22:45

JudgeRudy · 28/04/2023 22:38

I'm just offering a different perspective, that he felt everything was under control.

Show quote history

Yes, the male apologists' view is always refreshing.

Original poster
AlwaysTheGoodGirl · 28/04/2023 22:50

@JudgeRudy I told him I'd phoned 111 and that I was waiting for a call back in which it was very likely I'd be told to take him to the hospital.

I think an 11 year old does need babysitting, especially when we were likely to be out til after midnight which we were. And I wouldn't like to think he's sitting at home on his own worrying that his mum and brother have rushed off to hospital. I rang my brother as I know he'll always help me out, no question. DH is the least reliable person in the world.

I have told DH many times in the past it is unreasonable to go out so much, usually not even telling me until just before he leaves to go out, or letting me know by text once he's there, or just not at all. We all accommodate his plans and change arrangements to suit him. He essentially stopped me visiting my brother in his care home a couple of weeks ago by literally running out of the house with the car keys before I realised he was going out for the night.

Yes my husband is more laid back than me. He lives like a student and I live like a single mum. Maybe I'm enabling this, but he still makes the choice to do what he wants to do. Am I the one in the wrong here?

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 28/04/2023 22:54

Op yes you are by enabling him you are teaching your children that everything revolves around him and his needs.

The fact is this should be the final straw why isn’t it for you? Why do you accommodate him

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/04/2023 22:55

JudgeRudy · 28/04/2023 22:28

It doesn't sound like your husband is inheritantly selfish, it sounds more like he's oblivious.
He likes to go to gigs (bands /singers I presume) and so does. You've not objected so he carries on. Maybe he presumes if you wanted to do something you would. This night your son was sick but he went for a lie down and you cleared up. I'd say he thought everything was in hand and when he went off to the gig hou asked him to use bus not take car. I doubt he thought you would need to rush your son to hospital for emergency treatment. You didn't call him or update him or ask him to come home. Why not?He gets own to be confronted by sister. He has a pleasant conversation with them and they leave.
If you don't like him going out tell him. Would you like to go out? Then go. Would you like to do something together...then suggest something.
I'm unsure why you didn't ring him. I'm unsure why you involved your ILs. Does an 11 year old need babysitting? Why moan to them.
I think your husbands probably more laid back than you. You sound like you're raging but it's business as usual. Your sons a bit poorly, your dealing with it. It doesn't need two.

Why do dads get to be oblivious and swan around and need to be told when children need care?

Well actually thats bollocks because my DH doesn't. If DD was sick or needed looking after, he'd do it. I never had to instruct him because he's not either a total wanker or a total idiot.