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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Zero contrition at choosing to go out when DS may have had to go to hospital

160 replies

AlwaysTheGoodGirl · 28/04/2023 12:44

I came home from work yesterday to DS15 throwing up in the bathroom, in a bit of a panic, and seemingly having quite a severe allergic reaction to some granola he'd just eaten. He had a shower and got into bed while I cleaned up in the bathroom (major task, all over the place) but then I noticed his skin was very red and lots of hives were covering his whole body. I quickly gave him a fexofenadine and rang 111.

In the meantime, DH went outside and I could hear him getting in the car. I opened the bedroom window to shout to tell him not to take the car away as I might have to get DS to hospital. He grumbled about it and said he'd just go and get the bus. Bearing in mind he could see DS was not well, I thought he was just planning a quick trip to the shop, nothing else, but when he said he was going to "get the bus in" I knew that meant he was going into town for one of his many gigs or whatever he does. And off he went. 111 said they'd get a doctor to call me in the next hour, and when I got the call, he told us to go to A&E.

So, and this is something else DH was well aware of, we also have a DS11 who would either now have to come with us to the hospital for god knows how long, or stay at home and I would have to find someone to come and look after him. Thankfully my brother and SIL said they could come, and so DS15 and I went off to A&E.

Got a text from brother at 11pm to say DH was now home so they would leave. We got home around 1am having been checked over and told that the fexofenadine had solved the problem, but to keep an eye out for any secondary reactions. All very tiring and stressful, and when I eventually got to bed, I had the joy of snoring to contend with so I ended up downstairs on the sofa.

Brother texted me this morning to see how DS was (nothing from DH, I might add) and said that when DH came in last night, there was no "thanks so much for coming, I'm so sorry you had to come, maybe I shouldn't have gone out." Oh no. Apparently he was all full of chat about how we've really enjoyed our family trips to the Lake District, that he's feeling much fitter for doing a few climbs, that we're all looking forward to a wedding coming up in the summer and a holiday in November. All the pretence of happy families when he just f*cks off to gigs or the cinema all the time. He's been out every night this week, including the night his son is in hospital. No contrition whatsoever. Either he's got a master's degree in manipulation making everyone thinks everything's champagne and roses and we have a lovely supportive relationship, or he's just a thick idiot. Am I overreacting thinking he should be ashamed of himself for choosing to go out??? He doesn't seem to see any problem in doing so. I've also taken a day off work today to look after DS, when he could have easily worked from home today. Nope, off he went this morning, not a word. I'm so conditioned to accept his ways, this feels like another thing that he just does. Should I be raging?

OP posts:
MakesMeFeelSad · 28/04/2023 23:40

JudgeRudy · 28/04/2023 22:28

It doesn't sound like your husband is inheritantly selfish, it sounds more like he's oblivious.
He likes to go to gigs (bands /singers I presume) and so does. You've not objected so he carries on. Maybe he presumes if you wanted to do something you would. This night your son was sick but he went for a lie down and you cleared up. I'd say he thought everything was in hand and when he went off to the gig hou asked him to use bus not take car. I doubt he thought you would need to rush your son to hospital for emergency treatment. You didn't call him or update him or ask him to come home. Why not?He gets own to be confronted by sister. He has a pleasant conversation with them and they leave.
If you don't like him going out tell him. Would you like to go out? Then go. Would you like to do something together...then suggest something.
I'm unsure why you didn't ring him. I'm unsure why you involved your ILs. Does an 11 year old need babysitting? Why moan to them.
I think your husbands probably more laid back than you. You sound like you're raging but it's business as usual. Your sons a bit poorly, your dealing with it. It doesn't need two.

If op hadn't shouted out the window to him he'd have scanned off in the car leaving er with no transport for one thing

You don't think that's bloody selfish?

elm26 · 28/04/2023 23:58

OnlyFannys · 28/04/2023 13:29

Ask yourself if you could ever see your child having a life threatening allergic reaction and just casually stroll off to a gig. If you can imagine the disgust you have at the thought then you know YANBU. This would be a deal breaker for me, even with no prior issues, I could not love a man like that.

This, with bells on.

ToWhitToWhoo · 29/04/2023 00:20

Sounds really selfish of your husband; sorry to hear it! How is your son now?

SaulSobieski · 29/04/2023 08:41

Thesharkradar · 28/04/2023 21:33

My concern would be that he might push hard for contact but when it happens be neglectful in order to punish her for leaving him, as said though they are old enough to make their own choices so that could negate any issues over contact?

I think his priorities will supercede "punishing" op.

As you say, they'll be old enough to choose soon anyway.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 29/04/2023 08:51

No OP you are not in the wrong here, but you are enabling him.

You've two choices, stay or go as he has shown you time and again that he won't change. My worry if you stay is you are teaching your dc that this is a healthy relationship. Your relationship with your dh is the blueprint that they will measure all relationships by.

diflasu · 29/04/2023 11:51

AlwaysTheGoodGirl · 28/04/2023 18:23

Perversely, his uselessness as a parent is part of the reason I've kept hanging on. I don't trust him to be competent enough to have them on his own when we do separate. When ds11 was 3, DH failed to notice that his face had swollen up so much he couldn't speak, and when I arrived home from work to find him like this I rushed him straight to hospital and we were there for five days.

Awaits further kindly-meant slaps around the face

Okay - but youngest is rapidly approaching an age they get a choice in seeing him so now is the time to be think ahead and moving you and the kids on.

StarbucksSmarterSister · 29/04/2023 12:54

But it also says I'm somehow not allowed to impose my decision on everyone or allow myself to be happy

But he is allowed to? ⬇️
We all accommodate his plans and change arrangements to suit him

Wake up. Sort your finances out and get a lawyer.

JudgeRudy · 29/04/2023 13:04

AlwaysTheGoodGirl · 28/04/2023 22:50

@JudgeRudy I told him I'd phoned 111 and that I was waiting for a call back in which it was very likely I'd be told to take him to the hospital.

I think an 11 year old does need babysitting, especially when we were likely to be out til after midnight which we were. And I wouldn't like to think he's sitting at home on his own worrying that his mum and brother have rushed off to hospital. I rang my brother as I know he'll always help me out, no question. DH is the least reliable person in the world.

I have told DH many times in the past it is unreasonable to go out so much, usually not even telling me until just before he leaves to go out, or letting me know by text once he's there, or just not at all. We all accommodate his plans and change arrangements to suit him. He essentially stopped me visiting my brother in his care home a couple of weeks ago by literally running out of the house with the car keys before I realised he was going out for the night.

Yes my husband is more laid back than me. He lives like a student and I live like a single mum. Maybe I'm enabling this, but he still makes the choice to do what he wants to do. Am I the one in the wrong here?

Sounds like this is the straw that broke the camels back. I don't want you to feel lm excusing his behaviour or blaming you. You've posted a bit more info since and it certainly sounds like he views himself as being separate to the family. Then let him be separate. He doesn't get the benefits and security of a family if he's not investing sufficiently. I think you've kinda come to this conclusion and in some ways, yes, you've contributed by being an enabler but it's understandable how these things can creep up on you. At least you now have insight and have a plan. Follow through

PolkaDotMankini · 29/04/2023 13:06

Why are you putting up with this idiot?

Iwas · 29/04/2023 16:24

You are enabling, but I do get why. I also didn't trust my stbxh with the dcs, and stayed far longer than I should've done, just to keep them safe.

You won't go back from this now. You're going to identify more and more until you finally leave. It may take time, and it will be hard, but just think of the freedom and peace a quiet you will have.

I spent years enabling, trying to fix him. I realised that it was adhd, but it was when I read up on narcissistic personality disthat it fell into place. I realised that I couldn't save him, and he was destroying me.

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