To go for a drink with friends dad

[Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy]

Iv been friends with this friend for ever and her dad has always been there for me and has messaged me a few times over the years but it's just been jokey flirty stuff nothing much of anything and he messaged me this morning to go round for a few drinks tonight. I want to go but I don't know how my friend will react.
Yanbu. Do what you want its nobody's business
Yabu. You don't cross that line with a friends dad

Sorry but I think this is fucking gross. What a creepy man, watching you grow up and then cracking on to you, his DAUGHTER’S friend. Fucking grim. And you would be a terrible friend to do this in my opinion.

If you want any proof of anything like diagnosis, medication, id ect email me. I'm definitely not a troll

We’re all understanding fine. It’s you that doesn’t seem to understand.

This is not jealous or a bunch of out of touch old hags who don’t know what it means to fancy an older man.

It’s the voices of experience, women who have known predators and abusers and just generally icky men. He is one. It doesn’t matter that he physically didn’t do anything when you were a child. The dynamic is one of parenthood because he was your friends dad and you didn’t have a dad.

its trivialising to Trot out “daddy issues” but honestly, this along with the BPD are causing you to make some poor decisions re men.

You’re craving affection or attention from men because that’s been missing in your life. But it doesn’t fix anything when it’s as shallow and hollow as shagging someone inappropriate and having to keep it a secret from your friends. The very people you should be turning to for support and affection.

Please get some counselling, or read some books that will help etc - don’t look for comfort in the arms of a man who would take advantage of a vulnerable young woman. The fallout will make it all worse.

OP inthink thr biggest issue is that you don't have many friends you can rely on at the moment. If you shag him you will probably lose another friend. I really don't think it's worth it

Your friend's dad? No. He's probably having a midlife crisis and fancies a bit of young stuff. You shouldn't ever cross that line.

OP, I say this to with kindness, as an older woman and a Mum. Please think really hard before you pursue this option. You've obviously had a tough time growing up and I'm sorry that happened. Life isn't always kind or fair. Because of that I'm guessing you've not had a lot of support or love in your life and you may well feel lonely, but empty sex, and especially with this man, is probably not the answer. We've all had wild and free times in our youth, don't get me wrong, but this "opportunity" comes with so many potential ramifications, it's just not worth it. You stand to lose one of the few friends you've got, and really muck up and confuse the memory of one of the few adults who was pleasant to you growing up.

There are plenty of other guys out there, especially if casual sex is all you're looking for, but please don't hold yourself too cheaply. You deserve respect! As another poster said, you are worth far more than being this man's booty call, if he really wanted to try and form a relationship with you he should be taking you out, talking to you and trying to show you his best side, not trying to organise a hook up. I feel quite cross about that on your behalf, and you should too, you are worth more than that.

I really hope you can set some boundaries with the world and insist on being treated with dignity and respect. That will give you the best chance long term of finding people who will love you and value you for yourself, and having the least regrets. 💕

Iv spent my whole life under mh services it doesn't work

If you were both adults when you met , maybe.
But he's known you since you were a child, it's gross.

As someone who had a close family member with BPD, I know that trying to reason with someone while they're untreated is completely pointless.

The BPD is causing this urge to engage in reckless and damaging behaviour, and no amount of rational advice will trump that urge.

OP, what you really need is help. Can you get in touch with your mental health team about reviewing your treatment options?

Where are your kids? Do they live with you?

Hi OP. I think you aren’t the one understanding, because you’ve grown up without the benefit of good relationships being modelled for you.

The reason this is so inappropriate is very clear to other people but not to you, so I will break it down.

You were friends with this man’s daughter when you were a young child.

He stepped in to help fill the void left by your not having parents, as a sort of father figure.

This means he saw you as a sort of daughter.

As a result, him having any sexual feelings towards you now should be as unthinkable to him as the thought of having sex with his own daughter.

The fact that he is clearly contemplating this is a sign that he doesn’t have good boundaries, and is willing to trample on boundaries that you should have and would have developed if you’d had a better upbringing. He would be massively taking advantage of your mental health problems and your drink issues in order to have sex with a vulnerable woman.

That is not the sort of person that any woman needs to be entangled with, let alone a vulnerable one with problems understanding healthy boundaries and relationships.

Please don’t do this. Your friend is more valuable to you than anything you would get from this despicable man.

Ahh right, you’re that kind of woman, the type who prioritises cock and male validation over your friends. Just don’t expect a woman to be your shoulder to cry on when it all goes wrong.

But their future relationships as adult are none of my business as long as their treat right

But he's not treating you right. He's inviting you round for a drink, which he knows is your weakness, to have casual sex with you

It's not the fact that it's your friend's dad or that he's much older than you, it's because he knows you've had a terrible childhood and that you are vulnerable - what are his motives?

I suspect you aren't going to listen to all who are saying what he is doing is creepy and he is taking advantage of your vulnerability

So what I think you need to think about is whether you will be OK with losing another friend from your life?

My kids are with their dads they don't live with me full time. The treatment for bpd is dbt which they don't offer where I live counselling only works in the short term and cbt doesn't work at all. So although I have regular contact with my cpn and the cmht its not a fix

Op you’re saying you won’t tell her, does that mean you’re going to go drinking with her father and have sex with him behind her back? You do know he will not have a relationship with you, his daughter will come first and you will loose another friend,

Op I say this with kindness. You may think its normal and just 2 adults who fancy each other but you have a very skewed view of reality. He may have not tried anything when you were a child but that doesn't change the fact that he formed a bond with a vulnerable child and now wants to have sex with her. That is really red flag behavior. I hope you get the support you need but you will only find heartache from that situation.

Iv spent my whole life under mh services it doesn't work

Well, your whole life isn't very long yet, so don't give up on trying to get help. Counselling is going to be more use than your friend's dad's cock, guaranteed!

Through my work I see many young women who have come up through the care system -and hypersexuality or compulsive sexual behaviour is staggeringly common in them.

It just boils down to having been so massively let down by the people who were supposed to care for them when they were young and vulnerable that they have little to no understanding of what constitutes respectful, consensual behaviour. They almost all end up in horribly abusive relationships because they attract predatory men and have no frame of reference in how to deal with them, no self respect or belief that they are worth more than what is offered to them.

Please understand this is absolutely not victim blaming. OP sounds like she needs a lot of support that is greater than the question of sleeping with her friend's Dad.

OP I hope you can get the support you need with the issues you face. In the same way happiness isn't at the bottom of a glass it's not inside someone's pants either.

This man is not a friend to you , and even if he is, he is not a man who has thought very deeply about the effect that a sexual relationship with him could have on you. He is only interested in getting his end away.

Exactly - you are vulnerable and he knows it. Even if you hadn’t had a bad childhood it would still be ick. As a pp said a decent would think of you as like family and off limits in that way.

The hurt and despair caused to others by this 'fling' is likely to far outweigh the few moments of "fun" with this man - who has watched you grow from a child into an adult - that you might have. I can't imagine your friend would appreciate you shagging her dad.

FWIW, my cousin starting shagging his mum's neighbour when he was 16 and she was in her late 40s. The families had been neighbours since before the children were born and all the kids had grown up together. SO much heartache caused to several families, in some cases the damage was never repaired and lives continue to be impacted, even some 30 years later.

But you seem determined to have your way OP. I can't wish you well, but I hope that the fallout is minimal for the ones who actually do love you.

You say we ‘don’t understand’ @Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy, but you’ve been dealt a rough hand in life. No father, no mother, in care, baby at 15/15, MH woes, no family, limited friends, and you’re understandably crying out and desperate for someone to look after you and love you. And you’re blurring the lines between lover and family.

As such, your friend’s father is not the man you should be seeking. Firstly, he’s known you since 11. Secondly, if he’s ‘keen’, having known you since 11, he knows EXACTLY how vulnerable you are, and his pursuing you makes him a very bad person indeed.

You need proper mental health support, to develop your self esteem and self worth. Do you work? Do you support yourself? Can you save money and build a solid and safe home for your daughters, so they don’t have to experience what you did?

That’s where your focus should be. On you and your girls, and having a safe and prosperous life with them. Not trying to seek comfort in the penis of your friend’s father. Please.

We do understand the situation, and we see it for what it is, much clearer than you do.

@Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy if your friend finds out you will probably lose that friendship. If she then tells others in your circle you’ll soon be untrustworthy and friends will distance themselves from you.

Is that worth a quick shag?

I don't but I suspect any Freudian scholars would have an absolute field day with this.

I've fancied older men. Heck, one of my dad's old school friends looks like George Clooney. But it's just not a line I would cross. It's like you're looking for a father figure and then you're looking to have sex with him. It's all kinds of wrong.

I can't believe that you'd rather ruin your relationship with your friend and her relationship with her dad all for some shallow shag. How could it possibly compute that it would be worth it. Only a few weeks ago you were posting about how you got pregnant and didn't want to tell the father, that you had sex with your friends ex and lost the friendship, how you wanted to break up with your boyfriend because you wanted to have sex with your fwb, that you are an out of control drunk. How much more self destruction are you going to pursue?