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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel genuinely upset by this?

175 replies

Floral2023 · 27/04/2023 16:39

I meet up with a friend and her dc once a week after school. Her eldest is almost 5 and I find her behaviour towards me to be rude and upsetting. My children would never behave like that and if they did they’d be spoken to about it!

She will say things to me like “I don’t like you coming to my house” and “you’re boring.” Her mum looks embarrassed and tells her to say sorry but she can still be rude. Her mum says she’s just tired from school but I am not sure it’s an excuse as mine wouldn’t be rude like that. She also moans at us both if we talk too loudly

AIBU to feel upset by the way she speaks to me? She’s known me her whole life and I’ve always had lots of time for her. This only started recently, mum wonders if it’s the influence of other children in her class, but i’m not so sure.

OP posts:

Fansandblankets · 06/05/2023 20:46

it beggers belief that anyone would let their children behave like that and not say anything. It’s the parents fault not the child.

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 06/05/2023 20:49

YABU to feel upset by things a 5 year old has said. Next time just give her in to trouble yourself.

Ferferksake · 06/05/2023 20:52

YABU but just for this:
"AIBU to feel upset by the way she speaks to me?"

She is a five year old behaving badly. She is a pushing her boundaries and her mum hasn't got a clue how to discipline her. If anything, she could be pushing hardest with you because she actually likes you and feels safe in trying it with you. As an adult you should not be upset by the way a child speaks to you, they don't fully understand if they haven't been set proper boundaries.

Maybe help her mum? You say she's your friend and embarrassed by her behaviour, so perhaps talk to her as a friend. Talk to her about her daughter's behaviour, maybe offer advice on how to deal with it?

Menopausalandtetchy · 07/05/2023 00:30

Hello, I haven’t read all the replies so apologies if repeating the comments of others. Please dont take the words of a 5 year old personally. She may be neurodiverse with a PDA profile. Sounds just like one of mine. All the parenting in the world won’t change them!
.

Ibizamumof4 · 07/05/2023 09:17

My friends don who is 8 says things like I don’t like your house it smells, your food is horrible , why is your house untidy ? Then if I am talking to his mum tells me to stop talking …. When I pick him up he says he doesn’t like me picking him up … these are just some examples there’s loads, I used to be annoyed by it but I just tell him straight now, like that’s not nice , or tough I am getting you tonight. Part of it is he’s just not really disciplined and part of it I think he’s just very literal and particular.

Lndnmummy · 07/05/2023 09:21

I'd pull her up on it in front of mum. 'That's not very nice to say, don't speak to me like that again'. Or 'You speaking to me like that hurts my feelings. It is not kind. How would you feel if I said those mean things to you?'.

Thinkingpod · 07/05/2023 10:10

She's a kid fgs. She may have additional needs or learning abilities, some asd kids are brutally honest as they know know they shouldn't be. You are a grown adult bitching online about a child.

Maybe she's just telling the truth that you are boring af and just sit in her house every week with your little angel doing nothing but ignoring her and drinking her mums tea.

Your poor friend.

Tiredmama53 · 07/05/2023 10:41

What kind of psycho tells a 5 year old they don't like them.

CM1897 · 07/05/2023 13:29

DancingWithTheMoonlitKnight · 27/04/2023 16:57

Are we going to have a thread full of posters calling a 5 year old child names?

Most probably. A lot of people on here always sound really bitter and judgy, then disagree with a 5 year old’s rude behaviour, calling them a brat etc. personally I think they should look in the mirror at their own behaviour lol

Thinkingpod · 07/05/2023 13:56

CM1897 · 07/05/2023 13:29

Show quote history

The bullying of grown adults to kids on here is disgusting. Kid coukd have SEN or could just be a 5 yr old voices he oppinion. I am shocked how many adults are calling this little one names.

CM1897 · 07/05/2023 14:21

Thinkingpod · 07/05/2023 13:56

The bullying of grown adults to kids on here is disgusting. Kid coukd have SEN or could just be a 5 yr old voices he oppinion. I am shocked how many adults are calling this little one names.

Show quote history

They have a superiority complex. Unfortunately people like that see no wrong in it, and will never change. Dread to think how they are with their own kids.

Parents don’t have to be strict to raise nice kids, children develop at different rates. Sometimes 5 year olds are rude. Sound as though this little girl just wants time with her mum

Themumlife · 07/05/2023 18:29

Is the child being rude? Yes. Would I discipline my children if they spoke to someone like that? Yes. Would I be upset or offended over the way a 5 year old spoke to me? No. Like seriously, no. I would give the behaviour zero attention, be completely indifferent, the child might be doing it to get a reaction because she sees it bothers you. At the end of the day she’s a 5 year old child, pay no mind to it

cherish123 · 07/05/2023 21:41

Entitled woman who can't be bothered to discipline her children.

Katiebaby3009 · 07/05/2023 23:19

Wow I am shocked by the way people on here are speaking about a 4 year old they don’t even know. If she’s saying these things, there will be an underlying cause- she’s upset about school or needs her mum or something. She isn’t just doing it to piss you off!

Itsbritneybitch22 · 08/05/2023 00:28

Maybe the kid don’t like you.

some strange responses on here given it’s about a very young child.

JSov · 08/05/2023 00:54

As long as you get something removed from you the next time you’re an asshole? What a weird consequence that’s toxic af

Miri13 · 08/05/2023 01:20

What’s wrong with some parents. All kids that age say rude things but the parents need to discipline them straight away or they will end up thinking this kind of behaviour is acceptable

paulthepython · 08/05/2023 08:49

You say this only started recently so my vote is yabu. Give mum chance to address it, it probably is pretty boring when you come round - she's 5. You turn up and then take away her mums attention, she likely gets ignored during conversation and has found a way of interjecting that gives her some attention and control back. She's not a bad or rude child, she's testing out what she can do when she feels frustrated or upset by a situation. She's obviously learned to express what she wants but hasn't yet learned the nuances of it. If you were stuck somewhere just for children you'd find it boring after a while too. I wouldn't take it personally, if mum looked embarrassed she's likely addressing it just not when you are there. If you want to make it more positive why not suggest going somewhere that will entertain her daughter while you chat - like soft play.

DistantSkye · 08/05/2023 10:00

I can see why you're annoyed - it is annoying behaviour.
What I'm confused by is you say your friend looks embarrassed and tells her to say sorry - what else would you like to happen? That's a genuine question btw.

Because if it were my 4 year old, I would say that wasn't kind/say sorry/it's hurtful and I need you to stop that. But I'd be doing quite a lot of the disciplining later as I don't really like doing it when I have an audience. So to give the benefit of the doubt, there may be stuff happening that you don't see. It's funny when people bluster on about "not standing for that" because all I see of that is they end up shouting/issuing threats etc and the kids behaviour doesn't seem drastically different from those of us who don't make a huge public performance over discipline!

Jec87 · 08/05/2023 18:24

Yabu
Parenting is hard. Your friend is probably mortified and hoping you aren’t judging her for her child’s behaviour or judging her parenting. We are all trying our best. Help give her ideas on what could help and support her by saying it’s really hard when they play up isn’t it. That’s what a good friend would do in my opinion. My daughter used to hit my friend’s child every time she came over to play. It was awful and I spent huge amounts of my time apologising and researching and trying ways to make it stop. T friend was understanding and kind about it and gave me ideas to try.

Worriedmotheroftwo · 08/05/2023 19:42

@Jec87 My daughter used to hit my friend’s child every time she came over to play. It was awful and I spent huge amounts of my time apologising and researching and trying ways to make it stop. T friend was understanding and kind about it and gave me ideas to try.

Did your daughter stop hitting in the end (don't mean to derail the thread!) and was there anything specific that worked really well??

Jec87 · 08/05/2023 20:35

This was mostly from age 2-3 and she’s just over 3 now. It was worst at about age 2.5. I did the big little feelings course managing the toddler stage which is cheesy and American but useful (my friend gave me her login unsure how much it cost). Mostly the idea of saying “I’m going to move you away to keep xyz safe”. “It’s ok to feel angry it’s not ok to hit”. “I can see you’re angry, come with me let’s calm down together and do tiger breaths (aka breathing)”. That kind of thing. Basically my main tactic was to move her out of the situation and calm her down and state what wasn’t acceptable behaviour. If it was really awful I would just apologise and leave wherever we were. I learnt what sort of thing triggered it eg having multiple kids to our house overwhelmed her as everyone was using her toys and practiced social skills in more neutral territories. It’s awful and humiliating though but it does get better and it’s not your fault x

Babycakes6 · 08/05/2023 23:05

DancingWithTheMoonlitKnight · 27/04/2023 16:57

Are we going to have a thread full of posters calling a 5 year old child names?

Hahaha exactly! Not sure what’s going on, today I saw that a popular opinion is that a 7 year old is greedy for eating more fruit than her shared and also that a 5-year old is rude 😆
The truth is they are just small children and behaving their age.
MN and posters seem to support child-cruelty, I reckon it’s time to leave, it’s just awful/ sick.

Worriedmotheroftwo · 08/05/2023 23:41

Thanks @Jec87 that's lovely.

MRex · 20/05/2023 12:59

I know a child like this, whose parents don't bother disciplining her. She struggles generally with regulating her emotions, so I suspect there may be more going on, but to me that makes it more important to be clear with her about her behaviour. If she's mean to other kids or to me, I tell her myself clearly.

No point getting upset about it though. Your friend is the one you're hanging out with, it doesn't matter if the 5yo is a bit jealoys of not being centre of attendion.

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