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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel genuinely upset by this?

175 replies

Floral2023 · 27/04/2023 16:39

I meet up with a friend and her dc once a week after school. Her eldest is almost 5 and I find her behaviour towards me to be rude and upsetting. My children would never behave like that and if they did they’d be spoken to about it!

She will say things to me like “I don’t like you coming to my house” and “you’re boring.” Her mum looks embarrassed and tells her to say sorry but she can still be rude. Her mum says she’s just tired from school but I am not sure it’s an excuse as mine wouldn’t be rude like that. She also moans at us both if we talk too loudly Hmm

AIBU to feel upset by the way she speaks to me? She’s known me her whole life and I’ve always had lots of time for her. This only started recently, mum wonders if it’s the influence of other children in her class, but i’m not so sure.

OP posts:
Strawberrydelight78 · 27/04/2023 18:19

Well if her mother is just going to sit there like a wet lettuce. Just reply back well I don't like you being rude to me.

AlwaysGinPlease · 27/04/2023 18:20

@Cam22

Maybe the mother , OPs friend, says the OP is boring and the little girl is copying what her mother says.

EggInANest · 27/04/2023 18:22

No, she shouldn’t be speaking to you like that.

However, I wouldn’t take it personally.

I can remember being young and coming home from school and just wanting some time / a cuddle / a quick drink-brief with my Mum about something upsetting or exciting at school, and feeling quite bereft if Mum was engaged in adult talk with a friend or neighbour. She’s been away from her Mum all day and then Mum talks to a grown up instead of her.

She might not be a brat, or a ‘madam’ (is there an equivalent insult only used of boys?), just a 5 year old wanting her Mum.

Do you greet her, ask her about her day etc?

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 27/04/2023 18:22

It wouldn’t upset me, a 5 year olds comments wouldn’t do that.

it wouldn’t endear me to the kid though. I don’t have much tolerance these days for little kids rude behaviour and the fact her mum lets her talk to adults like that would put me off her a bit too.

sweetdreamstenasee · 27/04/2023 18:26

Not very nice at all but I’d assume she speaks to all adults / mums friends / family members like this and it isn’t personal. I bet she’s rude to everyone! So try not to take it personally.

DancingWithTheMoonlitKnight · 27/04/2023 18:26

JudgeJ · 27/04/2023 18:02

So you find nothing wrong with this behaviour? Speaks volumes.

Show quote history

I think calling children names speaks volumes about the poster who do that.

LadyWithLapdog · 27/04/2023 18:27

Come on, we’re talking about a 5 year old. Get some perspective. I bet even your little angels weren’t so perfect all the time.

BadNomad · 27/04/2023 18:29

She knows she's not supposed to talk to you like that, but she gets something out of doing it, so don't acknowledge or react to her in any way. Carry on your conversation as if it never happened.

DancingWithTheMoonlitKnight · 27/04/2023 18:29

LadyWithLapdog · 27/04/2023 18:27

Come on, we’re talking about a 5 year old. Get some perspective. I bet even your little angels weren’t so perfect all the time.

All MN children are angels at all times. First rule of MN.

JenniferBarkley · 27/04/2023 18:30

ToWhitToWhoo · 27/04/2023 18:13

One point: perhaps the mother is telling the child off, just not in your presence. Some parents prefer to discipline in private.

Absolutely.

And if it's a recent change in behaviour perhaps she finds she's telling her DD off a lot and chose to let that particular comment slide for now - either because she's just exhausted with the whole thing and is human, or because she's conscious their relationship is a bit negative and fractious with the change in behaviour and constant criticism isn't helping so she didn't feed the attention seeking.

What I'm saying is, I trust that my friends know how to parent their own DC and I expect them to trust me with mine. No problem with them correcting my DC so I think you should have done this (nicely) as per several posts above.

Sunnydays0101 · 27/04/2023 18:31

Probably the little girl just wants to come home from school and have some one to one time with her Mum. Maybe she’s tired after the school day and resents you taking up her Mum’s time.

ElleMD80 · 27/04/2023 18:32

There are plenty of ways to reply to that. If she says you are boring, simply state that she isn’t exactly a weekend in Vegas either. Obviously don’t get personal but reply, brief and to the point and resume your conversation. ‘I don’t like coming to your house’? Well, I did ask your mum to leave you in the car!

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 27/04/2023 18:37

I can remember being young and coming home from school and just wanting some time / a cuddle / a quick drink-brief with my Mum about something upsetting or exciting at school, and feeling quite bereft if Mum was engaged in adult talk with a friend or neighbour.

Yes, me too! I used to get really quite upset if she called a friend, or went out after work - I was at school/childcare until 6pm and just wanted my mum.

LuluBlakey1 · 27/04/2023 18:38

Bunnyhair · 27/04/2023 17:48

You're a grown-ass adult. If a bit of backchat from a hangry 5-y-o hurts your feelings to this extent maybe seek help.

Simply 'adult' would be fine. No need for exaggeration and american-nonsense phrases.

Dibbydoos · 27/04/2023 18:40

Gymmum82 · 27/04/2023 17:16

Pull her up on it yourself. ‘And you’re rude Sarah. Would you speak to your teacher like that? I suspect not so you won’t speak to me like that either’

I agree, even telling a child remarks like that are unkind might be enough as she's 5. Her DM should be stopping it though wth!

PurpleWisteria1 · 27/04/2023 18:43

Oh dear. And it’s her eldest too. Doesn’t sound like boundaries are being set so she’s going to have an interesting ride over the next 15 years!
I have friends like this- love the friend but their kids are so difficult and that’s mainly because their mum isn’t setting boundaries or giving in / ignoring unwanted behaviour. It’s a tricky one and very frustrating. In some cases I’ve had to wait it out until the kid grows up.

Moreorlessmentallystable · 27/04/2023 18:43

Just say "That's fine, I am not here to see you or talk to you, I am here to talk to your mum". She can have her opinion if she wants but hopefully that will tech her she can keep her opinion to herself 🤣...unless she is hearing that from her mum when you leave 🤣

Tentoseveninthemorning · 27/04/2023 18:44

It is rude, my neice is 9 and has been like this for years. Dsis never pulls her up on it and seems to find it funny herself.

Good news is that my friends daughter was like this when she was in primary and is now delightful so it can just be a stage.

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 27/04/2023 18:45

I used to have the same from a niece. We found it helpful to say, ‘sorry that you feel like that. I’m leaving at 5:30’ and show her the hands on the clock.
Also including her. Sometimes that meant just acknowledging what she was doing. ‘I like your drawing’ or asking about something you know she likes, ‘can you still jump really high on your trampoline’.

Appleass · 27/04/2023 18:45

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DuesToTheDirt · 27/04/2023 18:47

My DD did similar... we were trying to encourage and praise good behaviour and ignore bad behavour but when she called the window cleaner stupid Shock and said similar to her grandparents Shock we decided to discipline after all!

RobinaHood · 27/04/2023 18:51

I can't imagine being upset by a 4-yr-old's comments.

NotQuiteHere · 27/04/2023 18:56

Apparently, you are not welcome there. If mum still wanted to see you, she would do something about the behaviour of her daughter. Since she does not, you'd better stop being annoying guest.

MiddleParking · 27/04/2023 19:01

She’s four. A weekly play date to her probably feels like you’re there taking her mums attention non stop. I would lose the will to correct my tired hungry kid’s less palatable public behaviours to that schedule too to be honest.

wrinkleintime · 27/04/2023 19:02

YABU to be upset by a 5 year old. Her mum is BU to not clamp down on it more.

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