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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel genuinely upset by this?

175 replies

Floral2023 · 27/04/2023 16:39

I meet up with a friend and her dc once a week after school. Her eldest is almost 5 and I find her behaviour towards me to be rude and upsetting. My children would never behave like that and if they did they’d be spoken to about it!

She will say things to me like “I don’t like you coming to my house” and “you’re boring.” Her mum looks embarrassed and tells her to say sorry but she can still be rude. Her mum says she’s just tired from school but I am not sure it’s an excuse as mine wouldn’t be rude like that. She also moans at us both if we talk too loudly Hmm

AIBU to feel upset by the way she speaks to me? She’s known me her whole life and I’ve always had lots of time for her. This only started recently, mum wonders if it’s the influence of other children in her class, but i’m not so sure.

OP posts:
moomoomoo27 · 27/04/2023 20:19

Do your kids go with you or is it just you?

Twisting · 27/04/2023 20:33

Jesus christ, some of the comments on here. She's 5. She knows what she's saying. My mum was the most tolerant, gentle creature, but woe betide you if you were rude. That covered: tugging at clothing/ saying I'm bored/ can we go yet/ giving cheek/ stropping/answering back.

I would have counted it as a failure of my parenting if my dc had spoken like that. Dd can be a proper madam. Ask the mum why she is allowing her child to be so rude. She's not doing her any favours.

readbooksdrinktea · 27/04/2023 21:29

Maybe going there once a week is a bit much?

Toiletfriend · 27/04/2023 21:52

Meet up without DC?

freespirit333 · 06/05/2023 06:59

My just turned 4 year old could easily say this, maybe not “you’re boring” but he has told adults he doesn’t want to speak to them before. He is shy, anxious and a difficult character.

I always wonder on mumsnet what “my children wouldn’t be allowed to behave like that” actually means. What kind of magic discipline do these posters use?

CaterpillarShark · 06/05/2023 07:05

What these mums with perfectly behaved children do is dampen any spirit in their child and make them into a people pleaser who isn’t allowed to say that they are not enjoying themselves. If this was an adult and their spouse forced them to repeatedly do something that they didn’t enjoy, it would be abuse.

snitzelvoncrumb · 06/05/2023 07:13

Some kids are just awful. I wouldn’t worry about it, just be grateful she she isn’t yours. If you have a child of a similar age I would stop them playing together, you don’t want kids having friends like that. But if it’s just you catching up with your friend I would just ignore it. If it really bothers you catch up when the child isn’t there.

UseOfWeapons · 06/05/2023 07:24

My friend’s little boy did something similar to me. We were on the sofa, talking, she was going through a difficult time. Kids were playing in the room. Her DS came up and just stood in front of us, saying, ‘She needs to go, she needs to go, she needs to go’! My friend said she didn’t notice until I pointed it out. I think she was embarrassed and hoping she wouldn’t have to deal with it. Obviously, her kids are used to getting 100%of her attention, and the only other visitors they have are doting grandparents or people with other kids. I don’t have any, so I was concentrating on on my friend. I don’t think her DS liked that she was getting my attention, and he was getting none.

He was told he was being very rude, that I would leave when I was ready tongs, and this was mummy time.

He’s still the same today!😀

UseOfWeapons · 06/05/2023 07:25

*ready to go🙄

Frazzledfraggle07 · 06/05/2023 07:28

My 6 year old DD has ASD and often says things like this, especially about the noise. We do however explain to her every time it's not ok.

MoonCharged · 06/05/2023 07:33

My 7 year old is brutally honest (mummy your breath smells, mummy you have a spot on your face, mummy I'm bored at this soft play and want to leave) etc etc but I've put it down to her SEN issues which we are learning to deal with. Yes there is a boundary between social awareness and downright rudeness but since having a child who can't interpret the difference, I don't judge "bad" children anymore when out and about. I tend to be more sympathetic to their parents actually because I am going through the same thing. I would hate to think someone is judging my parenting skills from a distance based on what my ASD child has said.

Strugglingtodomybest · 06/05/2023 07:48

AIBU to feel upset by the way she speaks to me?

I believe that we can't help the way we feel about things, feelings are physical reactions within our bodies after all. But I also believe that we don't always have to act on our feelings.

By this I mean, in this instance, by lashing out verbally in a defensive manner at a 4 year old, as many posters on this thread have suggested.

If I felt upset by the way I was being spoken to by a 4 year old I would examine that feeling and try and work out where it was coming from. So, for example, am I really upset with the mother for not disciplining her child? Or is it triggering feelings of rejection from childhood? Etc etc.

Once I'd worked out where the feeling is actually coming from, I'd then work out how to deal with it.

What I wouldn't be doing, is modelling rude behaviour back to a small child who doesn't yet have the vocabulary or experience of grown up language to express exactly what it is she is feeling.

MermaidMummy06 · 06/05/2023 09:19

I was at a child's party & my friend's other friend said to her DD she could go play with my DD. She went 'Bleh, yuk'.

Tbh I knew this girl was an entitled brat who was given everything, parents act like servants etc. so I called her on it - I said 'excuse me? What was that?' Only then did her mother give her a weak admonishment about how we treat people. Her Dd rolled her eyes and wandered away.

I wasn't offended. My DD didn't hear & I'm just glad I'm not the one who has to deal with her when she's a super entitled teen.

Eggseggseverywhere · 06/05/2023 09:24

Just swerve your friend and tell her you aren't happy being slated by her dc. The fact she won't tell her off is making you suspect she agrees with her dc..

Kirstyjones90 · 06/05/2023 16:50

Unfortunately my 5 year old can be like this sometimes, never says things like mean, but says things like you are talking to loud etc. I just tell him to stop being rude and if he continues, he’ll have to go to his room or something like that. I saw a big change in attitude when he started school and picking up other people’s words/sayings, and I also think they are so matter of fact, he isn’t trying to be rude. I feel embarrassed when he does it too, I certainly do parent my child but when they are strong willed and vocal, it isn’t as easy. I personally wouldn’t take this personally, she probs just trying to get her mums attention at the time. I’m sure your friend is speaking to her, I address is at the time but also will talk about it later at bath time, it does not mean she isn’t parenting her child or a bad mum, so all the people saying that need to learn to be kinder. Children are hard work, and feel blessed if you have a well behaved easy one, I have two boisterous boys 5 and 3 and never knew it would be so challenging but it’s difficult. Ignoring the behaviour often works in scenario like that too as it often is for attention. I think ignore it or just say that’s not kind, and she’ll hopefully stop soon! 5 is still very young.

HouseMoveCollyWobbles · 06/05/2023 17:01

freespirit333 · 06/05/2023 06:59

My just turned 4 year old could easily say this, maybe not “you’re boring” but he has told adults he doesn’t want to speak to them before. He is shy, anxious and a difficult character.

I always wonder on mumsnet what “my children wouldn’t be allowed to behave like that” actually means. What kind of magic discipline do these posters use?

My mum used to say this - if my child said/did something wrong/rude - she'd say I wouldn't have stood for this from you. She stopped when I said, 'ok, what would you have done if I had?' She didn't have an answer 🤷‍♀️

berksandbeyond · 06/05/2023 17:29

freespirit333 · 06/05/2023 06:59

My just turned 4 year old could easily say this, maybe not “you’re boring” but he has told adults he doesn’t want to speak to them before. He is shy, anxious and a difficult character.

I always wonder on mumsnet what “my children wouldn’t be allowed to behave like that” actually means. What kind of magic discipline do these posters use?

Well my 4 year old would be told

  • that’s rude, we do not talk to / about people in that way
  • to apologise
  • and that if she doesn’t behave then we will have to go home as rude children are not welcome
CaterpillarShark · 06/05/2023 20:00

And your 4 year old would be happy to go home because you’re not forcing her to be somewhere she doesn’t want to be any more 😂

mainsfed · 06/05/2023 20:22

YABU to keep seeing a ‘friend’ who allows her child to behave this way.

Why do you put yourself through it?

Elaina87 · 06/05/2023 20:36

Floral2023 · 27/04/2023 16:39

I meet up with a friend and her dc once a week after school. Her eldest is almost 5 and I find her behaviour towards me to be rude and upsetting. My children would never behave like that and if they did they’d be spoken to about it!

She will say things to me like “I don’t like you coming to my house” and “you’re boring.” Her mum looks embarrassed and tells her to say sorry but she can still be rude. Her mum says she’s just tired from school but I am not sure it’s an excuse as mine wouldn’t be rude like that. She also moans at us both if we talk too loudly Hmm

AIBU to feel upset by the way she speaks to me? She’s known me her whole life and I’ve always had lots of time for her. This only started recently, mum wonders if it’s the influence of other children in her class, but i’m not so sure.

Yes you are being unreasonable. She's 5! A sassy 5 year old. My almost 5 year old has behaved in ways and said things that have made me want the ground to swallow me up. I've apologised/told her to apologise as your friend has done, but for a 5 year old what more do you expect from her Mum? She's probably embarrassed and hopes as her friend you won't be judging her... you need to let it wash over you. If she's 16 and still speaking to you like that then you have a point.

Elaina87 · 06/05/2023 20:39

DrManhattan · 27/04/2023 17:02

100% on the mum. Lazy parenting. The kid should know by that age that it is impolite. Exception being if there are any SEN considerations.

Utter rubbish

Ginnybaby · 06/05/2023 20:42

DancingWithTheMoonlitKnight · 27/04/2023 17:17

She's 5. Give over with OTT responses.

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I’m fairly horrified at those hurling abuse at this little child. On a parenting site too. Calling her names, hurling insults. Utterly shameful

DrManhattan · 06/05/2023 20:43

Why's that then? This should be good

berksandbeyond · 06/05/2023 20:45

CaterpillarShark · 06/05/2023 20:00

And your 4 year old would be happy to go home because you’re not forcing her to be somewhere she doesn’t want to be any more 😂

Who said she wouldn’t want to be there? She could just be acting up. People will come up with any excuse not to parent, no wonder there are so many wee shitebag kids around now

Ginnybaby · 06/05/2023 20:45

SmallFerret · 27/04/2023 19:35

To be fair, that does sound a lot more fun than just being a rude brat whose own mother can't stand up to her.

Poor kid. She won't learn how to maintain her own boundaries by trampling other people's.

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Did you really just call a 4 year old a rude brat.

fuck me.