To feel genuinely upset by this?

[Floral2023]

I meet up with a friend and her dc once a week after school. Her eldest is almost 5 and I find her behaviour towards me to be rude and upsetting. My children would never behave like that and if they did they’d be spoken to about it!

She will say things to me like “I don’t like you coming to my house” and “you’re boring.” Her mum looks embarrassed and tells her to say sorry but she can still be rude. Her mum says she’s just tired from school but I am not sure it’s an excuse as mine wouldn’t be rude like that. She also moans at us both if we talk too loudly

AIBU to feel upset by the way she speaks to me? She’s known me her whole life and I’ve always had lots of time for her. This only started recently, mum wonders if it’s the influence of other children in her class, but i’m not so sure.

I’d reply “ yeah you’re really boring too” then I would laugh . End of . Laugh it off , her mother is not doing herself any favours !

AIBU to feel upset by the way she speaks to me?
YABU. Many young kids go through this phase, it's up to their parents to bring them out of it.
You are blaming the child for her mother's crap parenting - from what you have written, your 'friend' is doing jack-shit to correct her child & help her communicate more effectively.

Do YOU say anything when this little girl is rude to you? If not, why not? Her mother isn't bothering, so maybe you need to, before a 5 year old is running rings round the pair of you on your visits.

She’s known me her whole life and I’ve always had lots of time for her. This only started recently, mum wonders if it’s the influence of other children in her class, but i’m not so sure.
Mum sounds like a feeble blame-shifter.
Children are ALWAYS influenced by other children.
Is she going to be trotting out the same excuse when her DD is 16, & being influenced by kids who are sleeping around, joyriding, taking drugs?

This is not the child’s fault. It is completely down to useless parenting. A child speaking like that to another adult should be picked up on with a short, sharp ‘We don’t talk to other people like that, it’s very rude. Now please say sorry.’

Your friend is at fault - another pathetic yummy mummy who can’t bear to discipline or give their offspring boundaries.

Just ignore the horrible comments and when she does eventually say something nice make a massive fuss of her. Perhaps she feels a bit left out when you’re getting her mum’s attention.

Me too.

She will definitely end up as a joyriding drug addict 🙄

YANBU
She's a rude brat.
But worse than that, her DM really needs to step-up and tell her off effectively and teach some basic manners.

Anyone else spotting the irony of adults (allegedly) calling a 4-yr-old names but describing her as rude? Hmm.

I've known a few people who let their kids say mean things like that, and honestly I think it's a sort of bullying by proxy. The kid is just testing boundaries but instead of parenting, the Cool Mum or Cool Dad just let them carry on. I think the mums/dads get a kick out of it.

Spoiler alert: the kids don't turn out so great.

But the posters here are not directly saying those names to the child in question, just online. So it's not really comparable.

I would want to say "Some people would find your comments upsetting and hurt their feelings. Is that what you want to do? It's not nice or polite, is it?" I don't know if I would though, I might be more inclined to stop visiting the friend at her home and let her draw her own conclusions.

It would be interesting to do a little experiment. First of all, don’t take it personally, she’s either a brat or she’s a brat who’s overheard her mother talk about you which makes her mother look bad, not you. Regardless, her mother lets her act like a rude brat. Or, she doesn’t get any genuine time alone with her mother and she’s lashing out at visitors who are taking up mom’s time. Could be another reason.

So next time, I’d gently and very politely respond with, “why do you think so?” Get her to elaborate. It would be worth knowing why she’s saying these things.

That is incredibly rude.
Do her parents mollycoddle her because she has no respect.
Personally as you’ve known her all her life and you and her mum are good friends why don’t you tell her she’s being very rude. Ie “ that’s extremely rude, apologise”. Don’t rap it in cotton wool, say it how it is.

My db step daughter thought it funny to comment that our house was dirty and ugly, db and new sil laughed. ( ps not dirty ) I asked for an immediate apology. That shut them all up. That kids been a nightmare all her life as her parents have never checked her rudeness. So , you’ll be doing the family a favour.

Well done @IamnotHWhittier

Is she bored? Does she have anyone to play with when you and her mum are talking?

The child ought to know better, rude little madam. Being ‘tired’ is no excuse to be so rude to someone and she will grow up with an awful attitude if her mother allows that to carry on.
I would reply, “well aren’t you a rude little girl, I’m not sure I want to come to this house anymore anyway if you are going to behave like that.” It might kickstart the mother into actually parenting her because frankly she sounds useless.

To be fair, that does sound a lot more fun than just being a rude brat whose own mother can't stand up to her.

Poor kid. She won't learn how to maintain her own boundaries by trampling other people's.

No, but I do love to spot the irony of people banging on about irony when they don't really understand how irony works.

I don't agree with any of the suggestions about rude things to say back to a small child. It isn't going to teach her anything except, maybe, that you're nasty as well as boring. No, she shouldn't be saying that to a visitor and yes, her mother should pull her up on it. However, since she is saying it and her mother is not addressing it, what I'd probably do is respond in a customer services sort of way: acknowledge the problem and look for a compromise. Ask if it is because I talk about things with her mum that she isn't interested in. Perhaps also ask what she would normally do when she got home if I wasn't there. She may not answer or may say something else rude, in which case I'd just say OK then and pay her no further attention. If she does though, I could say that sounds nice and explain I wouldn't be there long/would be there until x time (a pp had what sounded like an excellent method of indicating on the clock when she was due to go). If she's still unhappy it's "ok then" and just carry on without letting it get to me, but make a point of not overstaying.

She's very young, she doesn't get to dictate who her mother can have round, but she also has needs, like a wind-down after school with a parent's individual attention which she's currently being deprived of - by you, as she sees it. I'm over 60 but I still remember how my mother (a very loving and attentive mother for the most part, it's fair to say) would be chatting with a neighbour while I was expected to be quiet and good for what felt like an entire afternoon but was, in reality, probably about half an hour.

If she's still doing it at 12 there's a problem.

If you say that, she'll know she's won and she's got rid of you. Personally I wouldn't be going round - as others have said she probably needs down time with her mum but I certainly wouldn't let her think her words had driven me away.

FFS.

How "ought" the child to know better? By osmosis? Miracle? Divine intervention?

The only way the kid could know better would be if her mother educated her.
The rude little madam here is the 'friend' who is allowing this behaviour to go down on her watch.

I would reply, “well aren’t you a rude little girl, I’m not sure I want to come to this house anymore anyway if you are going to behave like that.”

Cue response:
"Good! Go away!"

This isn't teaching a child anything about manners, which are based on empathic understanding of other peoples feelings. It's just being a dick, & - depending on how bold she's been allowed to be by her mother - giving her exactly what she wants.

How do you expect a 5 year old to understand wishy-washy statements like "I'm not sure I want to come to this house anymore"?
Are you going to back it up by actually leaving? Yay! Kid's just got exactly what she wanted.
Or negate everything you've said by staying? Yay! You are a fibber whose words can't be relied on & who doesn't need to be respected.

You are an adult - you either go to your friend's house or you don't - you don't play mindgames about it with a kid who is just acting out 'cos her nose is out of joint.

That can be a tough one, it's difficult to know without knowing the child. What's true for one child may not be true for another.

Maybe it's a phase, maybe its for attention, maybe the mum isn't stepping up or maybe there are conversations happening after you leave.

I'd say, you feel how you feel and its okay to feel that way. A lot of us would be upset and offended but I'm sure it's not personal so try not to take it to heart.

Have you tried talking to your friend? She may not realise that her daughters comments are genuinely getting to you or maybe she's struggling right now and is too overwhelmed to be calling her daughter out on her behaviours.

Rude, but probably truthful, she wants her mum and u r there, from the lips of babes.

I totally agree with this. My opinion is that this child is expressing her valid, reasonably opinion that spending time doing this with you is boring. Better for her to be honest than to be a people pleaser who does things to make others, including the adults around her, happy.

She's 4. Yeh it's rude but are you really genuinely upset by what a 4 year old says to you?? YABVU if so!

You people make me laugh. Read what people post before you get on your high and mighty step. The child ‘ought’ to know better as there’s something out there called parenting and not letting your offspring already be that rude at the age of 5! My 3 year old niece would not dream of speaking like that to someone.

Did I say I would suggest not going back to the house? No I didn’t. What I did say was “I’m not sure I want to come to this house anymore..” There’s a difference.

To be Frank, I’d actually be saying it more for the purpose of the useless mother but actually, you are massively underestimating what a 5 year old can understand. They absolutely would know what “I don’t think I want to come to this house anymore if you are going to behave like that.” (Which again, you have misquoted me on by leaving out the second half of that sentence)