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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say it's harder with young kids?

134 replies

Wfhandbored · 27/04/2023 07:17

Parenting is hard all round. It's fucking hard. I'm not trying to say that it isn't. I am finding though that parents of adult children forget what it is like in the trenches with young babies/toddler age children. My day to day is full time (stressful) work, raising kids, running a home and getting about 5 hours sleep a night because my child still doesn't understand sleep as a concept. At this age it's quite often survival. Loving them to bits but just getting through steps in your day and then being too tired to dedicate some time to look after YOU once your baby is asleep.

Now here's the thing. I have some friends with older kids, as in grown up age. They're telling me they have it harder and I am just flabbergasted that it is even a competition to begin with, or that it could possibly get harder??

The stresses are different and very real, that I do believe. But I also know these women have time for a proper shower. Get holidays when they can lie down for extended periods. Have time to breathe. Don't spend their day so tired that they're on the edge of tears 2 days out of 3

AIBU to say they're forgetting the reality of young kids and minimising?

OP posts:
DrMarciaFieldstone · 27/04/2023 07:19

You just get different problems as they age. Homework, activities, hormones, personalities, school issues.

It’s not a competition.

Heroicallyfound · 27/04/2023 07:19

YANBU and I think your instinct that it’s wrong to even compare is spot on. I wouldn’t give it any more thought tbh!

BoogleOogle · 27/04/2023 07:20

I have young kids too. I guess teens are emotionally harder. I'm not worried about whether my DCs will be drinking or taking drugs, if they're overwhelmed by exam stress, if they're getting bullied, if they're going to come home ok after a night out etc!

BartsLongLostBro · 27/04/2023 07:20

Yabu.

lilsupersparks · 27/04/2023 07:21

I found the stage when I had 4 kids 5 and under absolutely delightful. I enjoyed every single day with them!

Being a parent of teens and tweens feels soul
crushing by comparison.

Waterlooville · 27/04/2023 07:22

It's not a competition. I'm more stressed about my kids now they are older because the solutions to their problems are not in my control. Most little kid problems can be fixed through doing a job, like give them food, change them, play with them etc. It's physically harder but simpler.

lilsupersparks · 27/04/2023 07:23

To just add - that is my experience but I would never ever be disparaging of someone who finds the younger years hard. Possibly you will find yours easier when older. Everyone experiences things differently.

Mutabiliss · 27/04/2023 07:23

YANBU. I can tell you now that my four year old is considerably easier than he was when he was younger. I'm sure he'll be very hard work when he's a teenager (goodness knows I was!) but at least I'll be able to leave the house on my own and get up when I want at the weekend.

OhMyChickenDinner · 27/04/2023 07:23

I get this. I was on a course recently and the tutor told us to take 15 minutes each morning to mediate and prepare for the day. She couldn’t understand why this isn’t possible when I’m on my own with 2 small children

Theelephantinthecastle · 27/04/2023 07:24

I have seen parents of teens on here make ridiculous claims like:

It's more tiring and you get less sleep with teens because you wait up for them to come home than you do when woken up multiple times a night with a baby and then at 6am with your toddler

It's more expensive because you have to buy them tech than the £££ that childcare costs

I think some teenagers/adult children probably can be more stressful but in the main when I look around at my wider family, social circle and colleagues, it's the parents of young children who look the most wrung out

Easterfunbun · 27/04/2023 07:25

YABU I’m afraid. It IS tiring more mentally and emotionally which accounts for a feeling of being drained. This seems to come after YEARS of parenting younger children which adds to the weariness and all round relentlessness of it. It was a lot easier in a lot of respects years ago.

CaitlinMoss · 27/04/2023 07:25

YANBU

Blossomontree · 27/04/2023 07:28

I do wonder this, when you get the ‘just you wait’ comments with teens. I know it’s a mental challenge, but seriously, you aren’t up at 5, you don’t have to bath then, they can be left alone while you nip to the shops … Don’t get that one.

Mammalamma · 27/04/2023 07:29

Different ages bring different difficulties and different joy. I wouldn’t say any age is easier than another, they all bring their unique trials. Everyone has different experiences so I find it wrong that it’s a competition.

YukoandHiro · 27/04/2023 07:29

I think @lilsupersparks comments get to the nub of it - different stages suit different parents better, and the children themselves are all different.
I'm really struggling with the early years too OP. I'm permanently exhausted, my kids don't sleep, I'm working, having house issues to contend with, children who have medical needs too, I've even had to driving for a while after I realised I was nodding off at a red light.
I'm really looking forward to the teen years (in theory) but obviously for some who had easy babies and toddlers without lots of medical needs and who slept, and whose teens are facing mental health issues, that would be worse.
Everyone's family life is different and there's really no point anyone comparing. Plus yes there is probably rose tinted glasses about the baby/toddler years as they are very cute when it's not 24/7.

Hedonism · 27/04/2023 07:29

Unless you have tried parenting teens then how do you know? You are just imagining what it's like, and imagining that it will be easier, so yabu to say that they are forgetting and minimising.

However - yanbu to say that it's not a competition! Each stage has harder bits and easier bits.

Choconut · 27/04/2023 07:30

God I find having a teen a hundred times easier than having a baby or toddler but I guess it depends on the child. Also some people love the baby stage where as I absolutely hated it.

TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 27/04/2023 07:31

I'd rather have three toddlers than one teen. I found the teenage years hard

workworkworkugh · 27/04/2023 07:31

It's hard at all stages but people with older kids who say it is harder HAVE been through the younger years and can still say that because they have done it all so far (not for everyone of course).

There's definitely upsides, we can go out for a coffee and leave them home alone etc but there was also a time that I was waking up every hour (or less) to check my DS hadn't killed himself.
I mean, I'd rather be woken up by an upset baby, I know that.

So in our experience, we really enjoyed the early days with our kids, the toddler years etc, but teenagers have definitely been our biggest challenge.

Beamur · 27/04/2023 07:32

The baby and toddler years were much harder for me too - just in terms of busyness and tiredness. Lots of 'stuff' to remember each time you leave the house, more anxiety around illness.
It's definitely got easier in that respect. DD sleeps now for a start! The older years are different but I have found it physically much easier.

Climbingthelaundrymountain · 27/04/2023 07:32

It's all different. My teens can cook and clean and help out. But it's the emotional stress, mental health, exams, friendships, relationships, it's so, so hard to be honest.

aParsnipByAnyOtherName · 27/04/2023 07:33

I have not forgotten. it was brutal.

Simianwalk · 27/04/2023 07:34

I currently have 3 teenagers, it was a million times harder when they were young. 3 under 5 was mental, with no family help. We could afford childcare so I worked around DHs shifts.
My teenagers are pretty sensible so maybe I'm lucky but it's nothing as relentless.
I can go out and leave them, don't have to take 3 kids to buy a pint of milk (or go to the pub), I can exercise when I like, I work full time and don't need to pay my wage to do it

whereaw · 27/04/2023 07:34

You will find in life that certain people just have it harder no matter what you are discussing! And they probably do, but only because they truly believe that to be the case in there own minds!

Far better not to be one of those people.

Ancientdecs · 27/04/2023 07:34

I have 3 primary age kids and work full time, no cleaners etc or other help, just me & partner who also works FT. We are run ragged all the time and i don't sleep well. However! Life is so, so, SO much easier than it was when kids were babies /very young. It's night and day. I am a person again, yknow? I don't get hassled every last bloody minute. I can just chill when i really need to. Yes it's relentless but also lovely a lot of the time. When they were really young every day was just a battle to survive. I see friends now with tiny kids and trying to work and it's so hard for them.
It's true, people forget what it's like with tiny ones. Hang in there OP.