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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say it's harder with young kids?

134 replies

Wfhandbored · 27/04/2023 07:17

Parenting is hard all round. It's fucking hard. I'm not trying to say that it isn't. I am finding though that parents of adult children forget what it is like in the trenches with young babies/toddler age children. My day to day is full time (stressful) work, raising kids, running a home and getting about 5 hours sleep a night because my child still doesn't understand sleep as a concept. At this age it's quite often survival. Loving them to bits but just getting through steps in your day and then being too tired to dedicate some time to look after YOU once your baby is asleep.

Now here's the thing. I have some friends with older kids, as in grown up age. They're telling me they have it harder and I am just flabbergasted that it is even a competition to begin with, or that it could possibly get harder??

The stresses are different and very real, that I do believe. But I also know these women have time for a proper shower. Get holidays when they can lie down for extended periods. Have time to breathe. Don't spend their day so tired that they're on the edge of tears 2 days out of 3

AIBU to say they're forgetting the reality of young kids and minimising?

OP posts:
Original poster
Wfhandbored · 27/04/2023 07:34

Oooo seems it's an experience and who your child is type of answer? My DD is amazing and I adore the very bones of her. That being said these two years have at points nearly killed me. My mum had to sit me down tell me she was sorry for telling me how naturally I'd take to it because we had issue after issue - (health, sleep, attachment, milestones, work, house etc) and it was nothing like the beautiful experience she'd had with me as a baby (obvs an angel) and my brother. Again I just want to highlight that I don't want to disparage anyone's experience of any age. It's more that I can't imagine running on survival mode and pure adrenaline for the next 40 years.

OP posts:
Easterfunbun · 27/04/2023 07:34

@Climbingthelaundrymountain

Yep. Back in the school today due to another year 9 thinking it’s okay to repeatedly punch my son. Has a bust nose last week and said boy got one day in isolation. He does this to others too. No idea why he’s still on roll. Bigger kids, bigger problems.

Simianwalk · 27/04/2023 07:36

Also my teenagers are fun to hang out with, they are funny, take the piss out of me. If course their rooms are shit tips, they eat everything in seconds, they cost a fortune, they slam doors and don't do their homework, come in at 1am and leave the fecking door open but nothing as bad as toddlers.

Againstmachine · 27/04/2023 07:36

YABU for using terms like in the trenches, and it's all about survival.

You are raising a kid not at war.

Bornslippery · 27/04/2023 07:36

Mine is currently age 16. I don't think I have found anything harder in my life.

Easterfunbun · 27/04/2023 07:36

@Wfhandbored

All kids are different and all dynamics are different. I find parenting three teens more challenging than their younger Years. Possibly because I was already quite tired from years of parenting. There’s a reason for this, it means your happy to wage them off 👋. Mine are actually good as well compared to others.

IHateFlies · 27/04/2023 07:37

Working full time and lack of sleep is bloody hard without even any kids being thrown in to the mix.
Most women I know switched to part time as full time was too difficult while kids were young.

Yes, younger kids are hard but some teenagers can be really hard. Some teens are getting into trouble, being bullied, not engaging with school, trying drugs, constantly battling with parents, have anxiety or depression.
It's not any easier just because the parents have had some time to themselves.

bobby81 · 27/04/2023 07:38

I think everything in life in easier if you get plenty of sleep and that's a big factor in this. I agree that the early years are hard especially if you work / don't have much support etc.

Original poster
Wfhandbored · 27/04/2023 07:38

Againstmachine · 27/04/2023 07:36

YABU for using terms like in the trenches, and it's all about survival.

You are raising a kid not at war.

There's always one.

OP posts:
Morph22010 · 27/04/2023 07:38

It’s physically harder when they are younger but you have more control. As they get older it’s emotionally harder

crankyhousewife · 27/04/2023 07:39

Different ages have different challenges but I would take the early years over teenagers any day. We went through absolute hell with my daughter as a teenager (anxiety, depression, complete school refusal), wouldn't wish it on anyone.

WeWereInParis · 27/04/2023 07:39

I guess it depends on the child, and the parent.

I had bad PND after both my DDs were born, and sleep deprivation makes me feel like I want to die every day. It doesn't affect my DH in the same way (and he does more of the night time wake ups than I do), I just cannot cope with a lack of sleep. So for me, I imagine that whatever they may throw at me as teenagers, nothing will be as bad as sleep deprivation and the utter misery that I found maternity leave.

But my DH, who now my mat leave has finished, probably does more parenting than I do and definitely does more nighttime waking, may find it the opposite as he loves the ages they are now (just under 1 and just under 4). He may find the teenage years harder.

greenmarsupial · 27/04/2023 07:39

I have a large age gap between my older two and my youngest. I honestly find the older two much more tiring.

They have activities most days so we're up early and out late. There are constant kits to sort and they produce so much more washing than when they were small.

I think the mental load is greater too. With the little one, everything is in my control and all of his needs are predictable and easy to solve. The older ones might look more independent but it's not them paying subs, sorting logistics etc etc.

All stages have their challenges but I am missing the time when we were all in from work/ nursery/ school by 6.30pm and that was it for the day!

Original poster
Wfhandbored · 27/04/2023 07:39

Morph22010 · 27/04/2023 07:38

It’s physically harder when they are younger but you have more control. As they get older it’s emotionally harder

This is probably the best way of summarising it. And I guess it's what each individual can cope with more easily?

OP posts:
Easterfunbun · 27/04/2023 07:40

I’m usually in the bath just trying to get a bit of sanity and wiping my own tears. It’s certainly not hugely relaxing or candle lit at times. I’ve never ever drank wine. I think I may start. (Teens)

Lougle · 27/04/2023 07:40

It's all variable, isn't it?

I have three teens. Two have EHCPs. Yesterday I drove DD3 to school, came back to get DD2 and drove DD1 to college, then drove DD2 to school, then drove her to the school farm and waited there, then drove her back to school, talked to her teacher, then drove to see my parents for 20 minutes, then drove back to collect DD1 from college, then drove back to collect DD2 from school, then home. So 8-4 out of the house just on school runs/school issues.

When they were small, they were very portable. Now, DD1 (17) doesn't want to come with me but isn't safe to be left at home. It's a battle every time I need to go somewhere.

It's just different.

Againstmachine · 27/04/2023 07:41

Wfhandbored · 27/04/2023 07:38

There's always one.

Show quote history

You posted in AIBU instead of a relevant forum so yes I can tell you that.

AlongCameBetsy · 27/04/2023 07:42

I have a large age gap between my eldest and youngest, so my every day is a foot in both camps as it were.

Raising children is just hard work full stop. The work itself changes, but anyone who pours their heart and soul into it will find it challenging one way or another. The worries don't stop when they reach a certain age.

The physicality of it does lessen over time, though.

RampantIvy · 27/04/2023 07:42

DrMarciaFieldstone · 27/04/2023 07:19

You just get different problems as they age. Homework, activities, hormones, personalities, school issues.

It’s not a competition.

This ^^

I thought parenting DD was difficult when she was little and couldn't wait for her to be older.
The primary school years were a breeze, then the problems she had at secondary school with friendship issues, bullying, relationship issues, GCSE and A level exam stress were horrific. The early years paled in comparison.

OhSmitty · 27/04/2023 07:43

This won't help at all and I'm sorry OP but I didn't find babies to preschool difficult. That's more to do with luck easy laid back babies who slept through from 10weeks with consistent routines. My SIL is finding it much tougher as my 2 DNs don't sleep well or respond to the word No.

NowZeusHasLainWithLeda · 27/04/2023 07:43

Thing is, everything @Wfhandbored says has been experienced by every parent. Including the ones who now have grown up children.

They just no longer define themselves by being Parents Of Young Children Who Are Very Busy.
Because for them, this too has passed.

We've all been there. Then children (imo) grow up a bit and become a hell of a lot more interesting to be around.

It's the "othering" done often by parents of younger children to themselves I think that irritates. You only have to look through Active on here. "I should get this /I should be allowed that /I can't do this/I don't do that/how dare a family member invite/not invite/have dinner at this time/feed X/don't feed Y" All because there's a 3 year old to be factored in.

It's constant. And it does parents no favours.

Sidge · 27/04/2023 07:43

Thing is, having older kids is a different sort of tired. Less of a physical tiredness and more of a cumulative, emotionally draining tiredness. It’s not a competition but they don’t suddenly become easy, independent people at 14.

Yes you can leave them to pop out, socialising can be easier, you don’t leave the house like a laden camel every time you go out, but in many ways it’s just as exhausting.

You’re often working more hours as they get older and you don’t need childcare, but they still need running around and picking up (depending on where you live). They’re bloody expensive. Growing like triffids and need new clothes and shoes and coats constantly. They EAT so much. Tech and phone contracts and stuff.

Mentally it’s draining, I have girls and they’re emotionally exhausting. I don’t know if boys are any easier.

Mine also have autism which only became apparent in the senior school years. That doesn’t help.

Remember also the tiredness can be cumulative. We’ve been tired for 20 years, we raised them through the tough early years too and didn’t just acquire them as teenagers!

Velvian · 27/04/2023 07:43

YANBU I felt like that with babies and toddlers and still think the same now that my eldest is in his 20s. It's possible some people are better able to deal with little sleep and lonely physical work of babies and pre school DC, but I found both crushing.

I can deal much better with the problems that come with older DC.

Blossomontree · 27/04/2023 07:44

When they were small, they were very portable

Well - Kind of. You’re right very small babies are, but they aren’t all that portable beyond about twelve months, really. I have a two year old and I can’t just do what I need to do (been trying to arrange a leg wax for the best part of a fortnight!)

Obviously having children with EHCPs is a demand over and above though, but I do think the above is a bit of an example of how peoples memories change over time.

sevenbyseven · 27/04/2023 07:45

Morph22010 · 27/04/2023 07:38

It’s physically harder when they are younger but you have more control. As they get older it’s emotionally harder

So true. The early years can seem very non-stop but I've worried more and cried more tears since they were teens.

Day to day life is easier now but sometimes I feel nostalgic and wish I could rewind to when they were little!