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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say it's harder with young kids?

134 replies

Wfhandbored · 27/04/2023 07:17

Parenting is hard all round. It's fucking hard. I'm not trying to say that it isn't. I am finding though that parents of adult children forget what it is like in the trenches with young babies/toddler age children. My day to day is full time (stressful) work, raising kids, running a home and getting about 5 hours sleep a night because my child still doesn't understand sleep as a concept. At this age it's quite often survival. Loving them to bits but just getting through steps in your day and then being too tired to dedicate some time to look after YOU once your baby is asleep.

Now here's the thing. I have some friends with older kids, as in grown up age. They're telling me they have it harder and I am just flabbergasted that it is even a competition to begin with, or that it could possibly get harder??

The stresses are different and very real, that I do believe. But I also know these women have time for a proper shower. Get holidays when they can lie down for extended periods. Have time to breathe. Don't spend their day so tired that they're on the edge of tears 2 days out of 3

AIBU to say they're forgetting the reality of young kids and minimising?

OP posts:
soberfabulous · 27/04/2023 07:46

YANBU! I've found it gets easier and easier as they get older. Yes the issues and support changes but I'm getting 8 hours sleep a night and that is life changing!

Nimbostratus100 · 27/04/2023 07:48

everyone is different - I loved the baby/toddler/ preschooler stage.

Gruf · 27/04/2023 07:48

It’s just equally difficult but in a totally different way. Having younger children was just physically relentless with little me time. With teens it’s emotionally relentless which eats into your me time.

YourUserNameMustBeAtLeast3Characters · 27/04/2023 07:49

I think it’s just not comparable and it’s unfair of people to do so. The only valid comparison is you in 20 years time saying that you personally with your particular children found X stage easiest (and even then memory is fallible!).

If you say your struggling with little sleep and run ragged, the only correct response is sympathy, not some kind of competitive ‘just you wait until you have teenagers’.

So - sympathy for you OP!

londonrach · 27/04/2023 07:49

Yabu. Every age has different pros and cons and every child is different....I found new born and baby vvvvvvv easy and struggling badly with aged 3-4. I know friends who struggled with newborn and loved aged 3-4 age. Teenagers are like toddlers in certain ways but bigger so different challenges. Yabu to compare.

KateyCuckoo · 27/04/2023 07:49

I do think some parents find everything harder than others do. If they were honest, perhaps they just aren't cut out for parenthood.

ShadowPuppets · 27/04/2023 07:50

Everyone is different. I cannot do babies and I’ve had two of them. The lack of sleep and the crying sets me on the edge of my sanity (not the general disruption of crying but the way it’s designed purposefully to make you ready to fight a bear for them).

I can’t speak for the teenage years but I would take 7 days of toddler tantrums over one sleepless night with a screaming, non-verbal baby.

Equally I have friends who loved maternity leave and are now finding the toddler years v v hard and can’t understand why I’m so much happier than I was back then!

Everyone’s different and every child is different.

DryIce · 27/04/2023 07:50

I think the key thing is sleep, there is a reason slewp deprivation is considered torture. If you have a baby/toddler that doesn't sleep well, the knock on impact affects everything. Life doing anything becomes a magnitude harder without sleep.

But we also quickly forget once we're out of it. Mine are only just out of toddlerhood, but I find parenting loads easier and more enjoyable these days. And I loved having babies!!

I can see that the actual parenting will get harder though, in terms of their needs will be greater and more complex- and outside my control! But the relentlessly physical side lessens a lot as they get more independent

Toloveandtowork · 27/04/2023 07:51

But it is like a war.

You are tortured by sleep deprecation.
You are in a situation you can't escape from.
The consequences are high.
You are responsible for the survival of others. Life or death.
You are uncomfortable a lot of the time because there are few breaks.
You have an unforgiving sargent major, or perhaps two or more of them, each insisting you obey their way of doing things.
There might be a psychological battle with other parent who doesn't pull their weight.
A psychological battle with yourself as your personal needs are put on pause for years and years.

lavenderlou · 27/04/2023 07:51

I have early teens. It's different. Young children are very physically tiring. You can't leave them alone so have to be with them all the time. They are more likely to wake in the night.

However, I preferred it to the current age of my children. When they are young, you are in control of everything. If there's a problem you sort it out. My elder DC suffers from terrible anxiety and struggles with school. My younger one has suspected ASD and also struggles. Seeing your child unhappy and not able to sort it out for them is, IMO, the worst part of parenting. These days the sleepless nights are due to worry rather than waking children.

I also worked part time when mine were young and like many, increased my hours as the DC got older. So for me personally everything is harder to juggle - more work demands, more places the children need taking to.

The golden age is between 5 and 10 IME.

Splat92 · 27/04/2023 07:51

My kids are 18, 17 and 11 and the baby and toddler years were the hardest by a long shot. Give me a teenager any day.

Gruf · 27/04/2023 07:52

The upside of my little kids is that they were cute and cuddly. The upside of my teens is the humour and conversation.

Easterfunbun · 27/04/2023 07:52

@KateyCuckoo

Lots of people aren’t cut out for it. A lot of people just go into it naively or because they thought it was just the normal thing to do. My daughter says she doesn’t want children and I would be happy for her never to put herself through it all.

Easterfunbun · 27/04/2023 07:53

@lavenderlou

Yes. That is the golden era. Between 5-10.

Startoftheyear2023 · 27/04/2023 07:53

Give me a baby or toddler over a teen any day. The mental stress is huge.

HarrietStyles · 27/04/2023 07:54

I think we are biologically designed to forget how difficult and exhausting the baby and toddler years are. We remember it through rose tinted glasses. If we remembered how awful it was at times……then we wouldn’t have more children. And we would tell our friends not to have babies. The survival of the human race depends on it!

Spendonsend · 27/04/2023 07:54

Im mid 40s now and i think Im much easier for my mum than I was as an under 5. I support myself financially and run her around to her medical appointments and sort out some her house maintenance.

Cakencookieobsessed · 27/04/2023 07:55

I don't understand the not having time for a shower thing. I've got four kids, 2 autistic with varying levels of need and though it's not a competition, I think I've got a lot on my plate, yet still have time to have a shower and have 5 minutes to myself. I'm not going on solo holidays and out socialising every night but you can usually adapt things to find a way to do stuff for yourself.

Easterfunbun · 27/04/2023 07:56

@HarrietStyles

But some people don’t find it that bad. I had three in quick succession. If I had struggled with baby number 1 or 2 I wouldn’t have kept going. I loved having babies and toddlers. Unfortunately I didn’t factor in the teen years. 😂😂😂

Vallmo47 · 27/04/2023 07:56

Comparisons shouldn’t be made full stop. But suffice to say that once you have experienced both, you will find pros and cons with both. I don’t understand parents of teens moaning about lack of sleep to be honest but just because I don’t have that experience, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. But let’s just say teenage boys are in many ways like toddlers and leave it at that. ;) The relentless worry never ends, the worries just change. And 100% it’s more expensive having teenagers!!!!
Also, 16 years of dealing with kids beats 2. 🤣

Morph22010 · 27/04/2023 08:02

KateyCuckoo · 27/04/2023 07:49

I do think some parents find everything harder than others do. If they were honest, perhaps they just aren't cut out for parenthood.

I think it’s also the case that some kids are just harder and some are easier, some times it’s parenting but very often not. People like to congratulate themselves on their parenting but it’s much easier to be a good parent all the time when you have an easy child

Original poster
Wfhandbored · 27/04/2023 08:03

KateyCuckoo · 27/04/2023 07:49

I do think some parents find everything harder than others do. If they were honest, perhaps they just aren't cut out for parenthood.

Tell me you had an easy child without telling me you had an easy child.

OP posts:
TomeTome · 27/04/2023 08:04

For me it’s harder with older children. I doubt you can really judge till you’ve done both though. It’s easier to be physically tired than emotionally tired and 15 years later you are obviously older.

BlueRedCat · 27/04/2023 08:06

It is definitely less physically demanding with older children. You do get more sleep as they get older and are les hands on.

But, it becomes much harder living with people as opposed to, well pets of a sort. When the kids are younger you interact with them knowing full well they have no idea what you are talking about. You interact with them to develop them and seer them flourish and to keep their physical needs met plus give them a living environment. but they won’t remember a thing you have said

once they get older you are living with proper people. So private conversations with your partner become harder, you get far far less privacy (which can be annoying!) and you know anything you say can have a profound impact on how your older children/teens see the world. The mental load of ensuring they are have all their work done and bags packed and are doing well at school etc etc is pretty heavy. You feel a constant guilt you are giving them enough time. I keep saying to my husband- I don’t remember signing up for this, I am sure I just wanted a baby!!! 😂

I love my older kids to pieces but I definitely find this stage much harder and tiring mentally. Younger years were more physically tiring.

but other people see it the other way.

Morph22010 · 27/04/2023 08:08

TomeTome · 27/04/2023 08:04

For me it’s harder with older children. I doubt you can really judge till you’ve done both though. It’s easier to be physically tired than emotionally tired and 15 years later you are obviously older.

I do think at any age it makes a massive difference if you get a good nights sleep