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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say it's harder with young kids?

134 replies

Wfhandbored · 27/04/2023 07:17

Parenting is hard all round. It's fucking hard. I'm not trying to say that it isn't. I am finding though that parents of adult children forget what it is like in the trenches with young babies/toddler age children. My day to day is full time (stressful) work, raising kids, running a home and getting about 5 hours sleep a night because my child still doesn't understand sleep as a concept. At this age it's quite often survival. Loving them to bits but just getting through steps in your day and then being too tired to dedicate some time to look after YOU once your baby is asleep.

Now here's the thing. I have some friends with older kids, as in grown up age. They're telling me they have it harder and I am just flabbergasted that it is even a competition to begin with, or that it could possibly get harder??

The stresses are different and very real, that I do believe. But I also know these women have time for a proper shower. Get holidays when they can lie down for extended periods. Have time to breathe. Don't spend their day so tired that they're on the edge of tears 2 days out of 3

AIBU to say they're forgetting the reality of young kids and minimising?

OP posts:
illiterato · 27/04/2023 08:42

PotsAndDishes · 27/04/2023 08:32

My old manager used to say the problems are typically often but small when they’re little, and few but large when they’re bigger. His DD suffers from anorexia so very different worries from the bog-standard rigmarole I have parenting a 2.5 year old.

Little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems. I think this is true generally.

However, I still think the relentlessness of the early years when it’s just constant supervision is worse than the worries of the teen years in general. That said, I also fully subscribe to “you’re only as happy as your unhappiest child” so I can imagine that for parents of teens and YA with major problems such as depression/ anxiety/ flunking school etc , the worry is pretty all consuming.

That said, I do think a lot of parents now ( including myself probably although I try to reign it in) are over involved in their teenagers lives and that it’s not particularly conducive to either the parent’s or the child’s happiness. It’s difficult because as a parent you have life experiences that mean you can see how a certain course of action might be a disaster but at the same time you have to let them make their own mistakes to an extent.

Fruit5alad · 27/04/2023 08:47

It is relentless in the teenage years . The worry, the fact they need you more mentally, the ferrying around…. It never ever ends and is all consuming.

Teens now have so many dangers at their fingertips and in their rooms. Education is so much more stressful. There is also no support or advice anywhere.m if there are difficulties. Services are completely snowed under.

I have questioned the decision of having kids in the teenage years far more than I’m the early years. The latter teenage years are particularly brutal.

Original poster
Wfhandbored · 27/04/2023 08:53

@NowZeusHasLainWithLeda no I don't think that's fair. The comment said that if you struggle perhaps you aren't cut out for parenthood. Which is a really brutal statement. I don't think it's a bad thing to say those who sail through probably have children who haven't struggled every step of the way. By the same token it is definitely not fair to say those who encounter a few challenges and find it hard at points aren't cut out for parenthood. If we didn't do things we found hard many would never leave their bed. Life is hard and all we're doing is discussing it.

OP posts:
bloodywhitecat · 27/04/2023 08:58

It's equal but different and I say that as a parent to two adult kids and a current foster parent to an under 5 with complex medical needs.

MorrisZapp · 27/04/2023 09:00

Those who loved the (NT) young years but now find it challenging with (NT) teens, do you work outside the home?

EarringsandLipstick · 27/04/2023 09:00

lilsupersparks · 27/04/2023 07:21

I found the stage when I had 4 kids 5 and under absolutely delightful. I enjoyed every single day with them!

Being a parent of teens and tweens feels soul
crushing by comparison.

I feel similarly! I coped well with my 3 under 4. Loved being with them.

I love my teens & pre-teen of course, but it's so so hard, tiring & they actually need me much more (many many sports). I'm beyond exhausted (single parent).

Nordicrain · 27/04/2023 09:01

It's not a competition and each stage has its challenges. I think the thing with young kids is the relentness of it all, and the lack of sleep. It makes you unable to really deal with the (relatively) smaller challenges toddlers or babies bring. Like yes, it's much easier dealing with a toddler not wanting to go to nursery than a teenager - but at least you are likely to have had a good night's sleep to fill your cup for the battle!

KateyCuckoo · 27/04/2023 09:03

Wfhandbored · 27/04/2023 08:03

Tell me you had an easy child without telling me you had an easy child.

Show quote history

Haha no not at all.

In fact I'm a childminder, I spend all day with 3/4 babies and toddlers and I have 3 teenagers of my own. I've done this for 15 years, I've worked with dozens of families and some just find it hard, even with easy children and others find it easy with the most difficult of children or circumstances.

Nordicrain · 27/04/2023 09:04

I think also people who didn't have awful sleepers often have a different view on it. Months or years of sleep deprivation takes a really terrible toll on you and your ability to deal with, objectively, unchallenging tasks. When you are up at 4:30 every single day after 5 hrs broken sleep for months on end even the more basic side of parenting can feel a huge challenge.

But at least they don't hate you when they are small 😂

ChipsAreLife · 27/04/2023 09:07

I have a 8,6 and 2. The older two are very easy! Yes, they've got clubs, homework etc but they can dress themselves, tidy away, go to sleep nicely, entertain themselves etc.

The 2 is exhausting! He's non stop, not great at sleep and stuck to my side at every opportunity.

I'm under no illusion that the teen years will be hard as I'm watching siblings go through it now but young children are relentless. There is no break. And my siblings agree! Teens are hard but they'd take them over toddlers!

Original poster
Wfhandbored · 27/04/2023 09:07

Nordicrain · 27/04/2023 09:04

I think also people who didn't have awful sleepers often have a different view on it. Months or years of sleep deprivation takes a really terrible toll on you and your ability to deal with, objectively, unchallenging tasks. When you are up at 4:30 every single day after 5 hrs broken sleep for months on end even the more basic side of parenting can feel a huge challenge.

But at least they don't hate you when they are small 😂

Yes this is me 😂 also she likes me these days so that does help

OP posts:
ApplePippa · 27/04/2023 09:07

Mamoun · 27/04/2023 08:14

Parents of teens just don't remember. The same way you don't remember how difficult newborn stage can be. They remember this happy time with squishy little kids, photos of them smiling all day and having control on their whereabouts at all time.
The truth is that there is something lovely about little children but it is so relentless and draining. They've forgotten the hard bits.

I certainly haven't forgotten! My DS was a very difficult baby (diagnosed with autism just before his 3rd birthday), and I don't think I'll ever forget what prolonged sleep deprivation feels like. Life is definitely easier now, and people struggling with little ones get lots of sympathy from me!

What I will say is though, it is much easier to deal with a 3 year old autistic meltdown than a 14 year old autistic meltdown...

Pixiedust1234 · 27/04/2023 09:07

I can never understand these threads but perhaps I'm reading it all wrong.

Your friends have older children and say its harder to parent older than younger and have experienced both/all ages.
You have young children and not older but say they are wrong.

Confused
EarringsandLipstick · 27/04/2023 09:07

Mamoun · 27/04/2023 08:14

Parents of teens just don't remember. The same way you don't remember how difficult newborn stage can be. They remember this happy time with squishy little kids, photos of them smiling all day and having control on their whereabouts at all time.
The truth is that there is something lovely about little children but it is so relentless and draining. They've forgotten the hard bits.

That's so patronising!

I haven't forgotten! I was a single parent by the time my youngest was 2. It was really hard.

I coped ok with the lack of sleep, I didn't need a lot of sleep then. They were also cheaper, regardless of what anyone says. Yes, my childcare bill was large - but thar allowed me to go to work & they were looked after & fed till I finished.

I genuinely now cry over my grocery bill - they are so hungry, clothes & sporting activities & school trips are so expensive. Yes, I say no, but I try my best to give them the same experience as their peers.

I'm exhausted as I am taking them to multiple sports every single evening. Yes, people have said on other threads, it's 'optional' but they love their sports, it's their thing & depriving them of that is like cutting off their oxygen.

TheReturnoftheSmartArse · 27/04/2023 09:12

Don't forget that those people with older children have been through it too - they've done their time.
I found having little ones was indeed hard work, but I was younger and had more energy then. The teenage years brought their own problems and sleepless nights, and now that they are adults I still have sleepless nights worrying about their future, if they're safe when they're out ... Difference is my old body doesn't cope as well as with the lack of sleep now as it did when I was in my 20s/30s!

But no, it's not a competition, and every single person is different and therefore so is everyone's experience.

EarringsandLipstick · 27/04/2023 09:12

MorrisZapp · 27/04/2023 09:00

Those who loved the (NT) young years but now find it challenging with (NT) teens, do you work outside the home?

Yes, always have.

Childcare has been one of the challenges - as in, when younger, someone else is looking after them when I'm working.

Now mine are teens & pre-teens, they don't need childcare but they can cause mayhem, eat all the food, fight ... and there's the in between stuff where they might need a lift / have a school trip & I've to work that out. (I will say, mine are pretty good at cooking a meal, doing some chores etc! But it's still stressful.)

And also: money. I'm earning more now than I did when they were little but have little support from my ex, and teens cost so much, even just 'basic' stuff, like food, sports injuries, orthodontist.

Oldnproud · 27/04/2023 09:15

It depends on the children. And the parents too, because some adults naturally enjoy /are better with babies or younger children and others with with teenagers

By far the easiest stage with my two was when I had a newborn and a two year old. That year following the birth of my second was a doddle.

I still recall thinking at the time how easy it was, so its not just a case of hindsight.
That easy patch only lasted a year though, until the youngest was fully mobile, with a knack of finding danger in everything he did. Things were not so easy after that.

The teen years brought different challenges, but I wouldn't like to say whether they were easier or harder, just different.

Diorama1 · 27/04/2023 09:16

Mine are 12, 13 and 15 and I find it WAAAAAY easier now. I was not a good parent when the children were small, I found it very tough emotionally, mentally and physically. I lost my temper easily, I cried a lot, I struggled.
As they have grown and gotten more independent life has become so much easier. I have a great relationship with them, they are all doing so well in life, no problems (so far!), no mental health issues, no school/friend issues. Life is really good. I feel like now I am the parent I always wanted to be :)

Theelephantinthecastle · 27/04/2023 09:18

It's interesting to me that so many people find the primary years the sweet spot because I sort of hate it so far.

My 7 year old is still obviously quite dependent on me - I don't get the advantages of being able to leave him on his own or anything. He is quite emotional - I definitely can't just fix everything with a cuddle - at the moment he is really struggling with his feelings of being left out at school as all his friends are Muslim and celebrate Eid etc together and he isn't. I can't fix that.

He has his own interests now but can't pursue them on his own - they aren't my interests so I frankly get a bit bored having to do stuff that isn't my thing like rock collecting and learning about geology. Ditto having to take him to activities and wait around. We don't have a car so when ours are teens, there will be no driving them around, they will get public transport (London so easy.)

I guess so far it seems like the worst of both worlds but other parents seem to feel the exact opposite.

Windblownwife · 27/04/2023 09:20

Hi, yes I remember those days and years, physically exhausting and yes you're right, in a way just survival, you do it because you have to. My kids are in their teens now, and I have to say it's the most mentally and emotionally challenging/stressful thing.
You will be okay, nothing stays the same, they'll grow and you'll get wiser! Sending love and luck

lavenderlou · 27/04/2023 09:21

But its not like you have a magic year off before you get to the teen years - you just get more tired.

This is very true. By the teen years you are already worn down by years of parenting so maybe that's what makes it seem hard!

Swellinyewing · 27/04/2023 10:04

By the teen years you are already worn down by years of parenting so maybe that's what makes it seem hard

Absolutely and utterly not the case. It's hard because it is HARD not because you are tired and worn out 😂

traytablestowed · 27/04/2023 10:21

YourUserNameMustBeAtLeast3Characters · 27/04/2023 07:49

I think it’s just not comparable and it’s unfair of people to do so. The only valid comparison is you in 20 years time saying that you personally with your particular children found X stage easiest (and even then memory is fallible!).

If you say your struggling with little sleep and run ragged, the only correct response is sympathy, not some kind of competitive ‘just you wait until you have teenagers’.

So - sympathy for you OP!

If you say your struggling with little sleep and run ragged, the only correct response is sympathy, not some kind of competitive ‘just you wait until you have teenagers’.

Exactly this! In any other scenario saying this would be an AH move. But for some reason when it's about parenting some people see it as fair game to laugh in the faces of exhausted people like TRUST ME THIS IS NOTHING, IT WILL GET SO MUCH WORSE FOR YOU.
Great support, thanks 👌

SittingOnTheChair · 27/04/2023 10:22

YANBU
Having young children (and working full time) is utterly exhausting.

Having teens / older kids is a walk in the park compared.

Mine are both 21 + now and I loved the teen years.

waterlego · 27/04/2023 10:27

I think we’re all different. Some parents cope really well in the baby/toddler stages and really enjoy it (especially if they have children who sleep well and/or have plenty of support and opportunities for rest). I was not one of those and found it utterly exhausting, repetitive and tough.

Mine are teens now and I’m enjoying being a parent much more- but my teens are quite easy on the whole. I know several parents with difficult teens/teens with awful mental health problems etc and I can see that parenting is not at all easy or enjoyable for them.