To say it's harder with young kids?

[Wfhandbored]

Parenting is hard all round. It's fucking hard. I'm not trying to say that it isn't. I am finding though that parents of adult children forget what it is like in the trenches with young babies/toddler age children. My day to day is full time (stressful) work, raising kids, running a home and getting about 5 hours sleep a night because my child still doesn't understand sleep as a concept. At this age it's quite often survival. Loving them to bits but just getting through steps in your day and then being too tired to dedicate some time to look after YOU once your baby is asleep.

Now here's the thing. I have some friends with older kids, as in grown up age. They're telling me they have it harder and I am just flabbergasted that it is even a competition to begin with, or that it could possibly get harder??

The stresses are different and very real, that I do believe. But I also know these women have time for a proper shower. Get holidays when they can lie down for extended periods. Have time to breathe. Don't spend their day so tired that they're on the edge of tears 2 days out of 3

AIBU to say they're forgetting the reality of young kids and minimising?

I am just flabbergasted that it is even a competition to begin with

And yet here you are, making it a competition by saying you have it harder 😂😂

And you will be on here moaning in 10 years about how difficult parenting a teen is and how parents of younger kids don't get in...

There really isn't an easy part 🤷🏼‍♀️

See? With every post you're digging yourself further into your own "but it's harder for ME" mentality.

Newsflash. It isn't.

This, although only 3 DC under 5 here.

I adored the early years despite the utter physical exhaustion. The emotional toll of teens is something else.

That said there is not money enough in the world that would tempt me to repeat the baby stage.

Sympathy. My eldest woke every 45 minutes for six months as a baby and the people saying ‘but this is the best stage, wait until he’s a teen’ were my pet hate and had I had PND might have sent me over the edge. Luckily a very sensible friend heard one of these women gushing about how I was at the best stage and took me aside to tell me it utterly dependent on the child.

The government pays women to stay at home with their babies, men get a fortnight too. Then they help out with childcare.

Teenagers don't require these concessions to parenthood because by that age, they do the basics by themselves.

The emotional challenges are real but you aren't a life support machine for another human when they can feed, dress and wash themselves and stop themselves from running into traffic.

If a politician has toddler twins you think wow, that's impressive. If people have teenagers you just think oh cool. If parenting teens was as intense as parenting pre school children then our economy would collapse.

Parents of teens just don't remember. The same way you don't remember how difficult newborn stage can be. They remember this happy time with squishy little kids, photos of them smiling all day and having control on their whereabouts at all time.
The truth is that there is something lovely about little children but it is so relentless and draining. They've forgotten the hard bits.

I agree, those early years can be hell. I promise it gets better, and yes, the teen stage can be challenging, but nothing like the mental and physical strain of toddlers.
Mine are adults now, but I was only chatting with my mum at weekend about how you don't have a minute with little ones when they're awake, you can't just switch off. It's hard and I'd tell anyone on the fence about having children not to bother!

Children vary and different stages suit different children/ parents.

My two were rougher than average on the night feeds as infants, following on seamlessly from drainining pregnancies and tough births. They were content babies in the daytime though. I remember waking up each morning feeling like I had a stonking hangover from the physical tiredness. I used to wish it was a hangover, because then I'd have enjoyed earning it!

A decade on, I'm a decade older. I get the sleep, but the mental load is much higher having to support two high functioning ND children with executive function issues, at two different schools. For some things like getting ready in the morning, I still have to stand over them like little children to complete routines like brushing teeth. What I do miss from younger years, is adult time. Their waking hours are similar to mine. I haven't been out with DH as a couple in nearly 4 years- first the pandemic restrictions, but a lack of babysitters as those who babysat years ago have moved on in their lives. With an autistic 12yo, he's not quite old enough to leave for a night out (fails the tabloid headlines test), particularly with a younger sibling, but having an unknown person in the house with him would be worse for his happiness level. Already, things like friendship issues are harder to resolve and work around. My evenings aren't spent with the CBeebies bedtime hour, and baths, they're driving around Cubs/ Scouts etc... then dinner... then reading. When they're in bed, I'm in bed.

5-9 tends to be a sweet spot in the middle.

I haven't forgotten the toddler years. If I see a cute baby that makes my ovaries twitch, muttering the word "toddlers" until the feeling passes is very effective.

Parents of older children/ teenagers have been there. The challenges change and some children suit different ages better, and the same for the parents. I bear in mind as DS gradually mutates into a teenager that at least he'll have more speech than he did as a toddler, although we are regressing into grunts and Kevin the Teenager-esque tirades. The trouble is, he's now too big to scoop up under my arm like a rugby ball and anchor him into a buggy/ car deat and get things done.

The other many challenge many families face with time is also aging grandparents and becoming the squeezed generation between older children and grandparents both needing support with their independence. Add in that that tends to co-incide with the menopause and you can have a tripple whammy.

This

Absolutely this.

I've 6 kids ranging from 30-8. The toddler years are hard, it is relentless. I wouldn't want to go back there.

The older years are equally as hard but in a different way and obviously it totally depends on the personality of the child.

When they are little you spend all the time keeping them alive and stopping them hurting themselves or others on very little sleep.
When they are teenagers you aren't able to do that all the time and you have to trust their undeveloped brains to make those decisions for themselves which for me is pretty scary.

Plus the drugs, alcohol and sex stuff that's all around them.

Although I definitely get more sleep now there are still nights of very little sleep when they are out clubbing til 4am and you're awake every 10 minutes listening for their key in the door.

It totally depends on the child and the parent. I did not find parenting toddlers that difficult. Relentless yes, but I think I was naturally good at it and it was so joyful. I am struggling hugely with my school age children now- the moods, insolence, squabbling and sibling rivalry are wearing and I don't think I have the skills to easily navigate this period.

My daughter at 4: never bloody slept but delightful little thing that threw herself into every activity, and expressed affection freely, and made me feel loved and that I was a great parent. Did not even realise we didn’t watch TV in our house.

My daughter at 14: appears not to need me, won’t do any fun activities together. Everything is lame, boring, embarrassing. Glued to phone (and TV via phone). Got drunk at a party. Has me second guessing how to parent and leaves me feeling I’m failing. Can be quite rude. Then there’s the moment she does need me and cries because her friends are skinnier. And when she’s enraged because a man beeped his car horn at her and slowed down staring as she walked home in school uniform and needs to talk to me about it.

I’m not complaining - she’s fabulous and I adore her! This is just age related. But I can tell you it was far harder to decide how to deal with the drinking than to decide whether to do baby led weaning.

In terms of hours: 4yo was far more demanding but those hours were fun. And very easy - not emotionally demanding or difficult to do. 14yo - less hands on hours, but many are actually hard work and not fun.

I’ve loved both ages, but 14 has been much harder parenting.

I don’t understand why you’re so upset at other people discussing their lived experiences.

They’ve parented for a lot longer than you and through different stages. Surely it’s not that hard to believe them when they tell you what bits they find harder?

It’s like someone who doesn’t have a passport insisting that Devon is the most beautiful place in the world because they’ve been there, and nowhere else.

When they’re little- depends how much support you have
When they’re teens- depends on them.

I had 3 under 18 months. As hard as it was it was a doddle compared to parenting 3 teens. The issues you have to contend with when parenting under 5s seem very little to what you are contending with in the teenage years. I don’t sleep and I feel my life has been shredded. Parents of teens deal with mental health and a complete lack or resources, zero parenting advice, real dangers such as online grooming, , damaging social media,drugs,alcohol, vaping, glamorised self harm, a broken, a hugely stressful education system, massive finanacial pressures…. There is zero support. Nothing.

I know this is painful to hear OP - because you want it to get easier!

But I have a 10 and 12 year old and I find it much harder and mentally more wearing than having little ones. Yes - it was exhausting having small children - but now I lie at night awake worrying about my kids in a deep way - every decision I make, every rule I set them could impact them so much more negatively.

I worry my ND child will end up with an eating disorder - I worry I am being too sloppy parenting my son and he will end up with a bad attitude - I worry it's too late to shape his behaviour

I miss SO MUCH the days in the park with my little ones that were social for me as well - the days where I spent time chatting to other parents or invited people roudn for tea with kids - now my children have their own life so it is relentless worry and also time consuming as I feel they need me a lot - BUT - there is no social aspect for me!

I've got a 13 year old and parenting him now is unrecognisable to the toddler years. He gets the bus on his own. He entertains himself and organises his own social life. He's lazy and messy but picking up after him is a million times easier than physically wrestling him in and out of clothes and nappies.

I can go out, travel and work late without a care. I just drop DP a message and crack on.

I do romanticise the cuddly years and sometimes yearn for those lovely times but in reality I'd chop my arm off before I'd have another one.

It's not a competition.. but my 2 and 4 year olds are sooo much easier than my 13 year old. I can solve all problems for 2 and 4. I never have to worry about anyone being mean to them, about them falling in with the wrong friends, about what they're doing when they're out, about their mental health etc. Anything that's wrong i can solve it with a cuddle and maybe some peppa pig or a trip to the park. My 13 year old keeps me awake at night

My old manager used to say the problems are typically often but small when they’re little, and few but large when they’re bigger. His DD suffers from anorexia so very different worries from the bog-standard rigmarole I have parenting a 2.5 year old.

I agree with that poster. Try not to shrug it off because it’s true!

Me and my SIL.
She has - more disposable income, grandparents who have them every weekend (overnights from fairly young!), good sleepers, tantrums from 1 child

I had - less disposable income, occasional help but for a few hours (no overnights!), both were terrible sleepers until 2 and tantrums from 1 child

Despite all of this she tells me constantly how hard it is for her, so difficult, but say for me (mine are slightly older). I think ultimately I’m more suited to parenting than she is, just like she’s much better at keeping herself slim and looking good than I am. We all have different strengths and weaknesses. I think some people just grit their teeth and get on with it, realising how lucky they are, whereas others are looking around, wondering why so and so has it easier than them!

It’s all exhausting and hard I think. In different ways. With smalls I found it more physically exhausting. The waking nights, nappies and carrying or pushing.
With teens I find it more mentally hard- still having sleepless nights but not having to give milk or change nappies.
my experience might not be like other peoples though. Some of my friends loved the baby times. I actually prefer my teenagers when they aren’t moaning or telling me I don’t listen.

I don’t forget how hard the early years were. It’s bloody relentless. PND was horrific.
For me however, it was a walk in the park compared to the teenage years. As they get bigger the problems get bigger too and sometimes you just cannot tend to them and instantly fix it like you could when they were small. The stress and worry absolutely surmounts the draining monotony of the baby stage in my opinion. My life was so much easier with a house full of very small children than it is with a house full of teenagers. I thought I had it hard when they were small and some days I thought I was going mad whereas now I actually AM losing my mind!😂
until you have been through both stages you cannot really judge.

As the parent of a teen, both are bloody hard.

The early years were exhausting (DD did not sleep, later diagnosed with ASD and sleep disorder) - but the worries were smaller, and I was 10 years younger. And when I did sleep, I slept. I could keep DD safe, and the world was generally rosy despite tantrums and lack of sleep.

Now the worries of teen years keep me awake in a different way. I am older (and I feel it), and that comes with other stresses including elderly parents, bereavements etc. You worry about the future for them in a different way.

So all in all, sorry YABU. The first few years are exhausting. But its not like you have a magic year off before you get to the teen years - you just get more tired.

(However, I realise that parents of children without additional needs have a wildly different experience).