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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH wanting to move abroad

139 replies

purplejeanie · 26/04/2023 19:15

DH is from another country. He left that country when he was 18, moved to the states for a decade and then moved to another country where we met and he then moved to England to be with me. He's been in uk more than a decade and we have 4 children, the oldest has just started secondary school. He has a very black and white personality and is either v happy or v down. Throughout his time in the uk he intermittently has said he wants to move. As a result we've moved location 3x (including to his home country for a year-the other places were in the uk), but he's never been consistently happy anywhere. We've been in our present place since the summer and children are happy in schools and settled. He now wants to move again (to a random sunny country where we have no roots and don't speak the language). He is trying to convince the children we'd be happier there. He's managing to persuade them but they're obviously conflicted and tell me how worried they are. Moving would mean I'd lose my job and be in a country far from my home, it would be a huge and another difficult adjustment for the children. He says he can't deal with being here-he hates the rat race and the weather. Aibu to just say no? I don't know how to find a compromise in this situation. I hate that the kids are being pulled in different directions.

OP posts:

AbsoIutelyLovely · 26/04/2023 19:17

He sounds like a spoilt child.

I have also moved around random countries a lot and it’s very destabilising if you’re young. For your kids sake: put your foot down.

TerfIngOnTheBeach · 26/04/2023 19:22

Absolutely not, you’ve already given him several shots at trying somewhere new including his home country, he won’t change and he won’t like the next place either. How much more does he expect you to sacrifice?

Tinkerbyebye · 26/04/2023 19:22

Say no. And if he kicks off he can go on his own. He is only thinking of him not everyone else

mamabear715 · 26/04/2023 19:22

Nope.

TonTonMacoute · 26/04/2023 19:34

YANBU to not want to move again, you (and your DH) owe it to your DCs to give them stability at this time.

TBH it sounds like he wouldn’t necessarily be happy somewhere else anyway, happiness comes from within, he needs to sort himself out and try and find out why he can’t settle and be content.

Emigratingimmigrant · 26/04/2023 19:36

Unfortunately some people have to be on the move all the time because the more places they compare, the less likely they are to settle for "meh".
Bot are bot yabu and yanbu here.
Yabu, you knew he was restless.
Hibu he should have either not have kids or try much harder to settlet

Tbf to him, I know quite a few immigrants who are now moving from uk because they simply don't believe tories won't win in 24 and it will keep going downhill. Openly discussed ovr drinks etc. Is it possible he is talking with similar people and it's bugging him? Or he is just most likely permanent mover.

junebirthdaygirl · 26/04/2023 19:40

He is chasing happiness but forgets that when he arrives in the new country..there he is! He cannot escape himself. This will never end and if l were you l would say no. Its not a good time for the children. They need to be putting down roots and making solid friendships. Sounds like he could do with some counselling to deal with his inner unhappiness. Or get a job that involves some travelling so you can stay put.

AllIwantforChristmas22 · 26/04/2023 19:40

He reminds me of my DB- grass is always greener somewhere else.
DB moved to his home country, left after a year and to a different city now. Second move in 12 months for the kids and new school and nursery. He is self centred and constantly depressed about something wherever he lives (commute or rental prices or child care or weather or town). Put your foot down, your Dh will be unhappy everywhere and your kids deserve a base.

Crikeyalmighty · 26/04/2023 19:47

I've been married to a 'mover' for 27 years and we've moved 21 times including a spell overseas. Once was 3 times in one year (but extenuating circumstances for that). I've always said my H struggles to be happy anywhere because he's not happy in himself- he's very talented and over commits and then gets down- he's also very very fussy about places and likely to move because 'everything's shutting down' in a place . I put my foot down about 7 years ago- all the organising fell to me and it got very wearing. In fact I had a bit of a meltdown at the time in general. With some people OP there is no pleasing- please put your foot down- don't pander to him (like I did) - the old expression of 'wherever you go, there you are' has a great deal of truth in it.

cocksstrideintheevening · 26/04/2023 19:49

He sounds like a TKC, I'm the same. Military by any chance?

Katherine1985 · 26/04/2023 19:51

At this point can he/you as a family just take holidays in sunnier places till kids finish school? Most people do end up doing something along those lines.

I wouldn’t move again if you’ve got a job and kids are settled in schools and some or all of you speak the language of the place you currently live in.

The reason I’d really emphasise this is that your eldest has just started secondary. An educator (not mainstream!) said to me that up to age 12 the major influence really is the family beyond anything else such as school and peers.

I definitely found that to be true. We lived abroad and moved a bit and were quite maverick wrt education till our eldest was 12. Sometimes that meant paying too, even though we were both state educated and not intrinsically in favour. Paying for kindergarten till age 6 rather than start uk school at age 4, for a ND child who didn’t seem ready, for example.

But from when our eldest was 12 to when our youngest started university we did prioritise their ‘formal’ education in every family decision. A period of 10 years.

Both me and DH had flights of fancy during that period - for sure - due to our natures. But we had to find other outlets, and to a reasonable extent that did work.

It just seems embedded in your DH so it won’t change but he has to find a way to work with it/around it somehow, without pushing the ‘next move’.

Hopefully he’s more resilient on this issue than he realises if he previously managed 10 years in the uk where the rat race and weather are bad!!

But underlying all this is there something about leaving his home country at 18 that he needs to address? In a way that doesn’t involve uprooting everyone? So young

Crikeyalmighty · 26/04/2023 19:51

@AllIwantforChristmas22 ha if I didn't know better I would think you were talking about my H - I was writing my post as you posted!

babyproblems · 26/04/2023 19:52

Of course YANBU!!!! It’s not like he has an epic job offer there, or you have any vague interest even in moving there yourself. Of course you can say absolutely No no no no. You sound like you often say yes when really you want to say no…. Start saying no. Why does he have itchy feet??? There’s an answer there he needs to find or this will continue!!

TomatoSandwiches · 26/04/2023 19:55

YANBU he will always be like this, most likely until his mobility forces him to stop moving, he will never be happy.
Children need a solid permanent base especially for their education imo, I wouldn't be putting up with these shenanigans at this point.

SallyWD · 26/04/2023 19:58

Oh my God, I thought I'd written this post for a minute! So many parallels with my own DH. You could have been describing him and his life.
The only difference is that I've forced my DH to commit to 10 years here. We bought a house 2 years ago and I only moved on the condition that we live here for 10 years minimum so our children (then aged 8 and 10) could finish their education here.
My DH would happily move house, move country every year or two! But I needed some certainty and some consistency. I said the children need to settle in one place rather than be dragged around. He agreed to my conditions. Now if ever he mentions moving again I say "You can commute. We're staying here. I've got 10 years remember?!" and he backs down.

NellyBarney · 26/04/2023 20:00

Could he get a job that involves travel/being stationed abroad on his own?

lkkjhg · 26/04/2023 20:02

A single person can move as often as they want.

Those with children have to consider the impact on education and friends. especially once the kids hit secondary school.

Your kids need stability.

(I'd lived in 6 homes across 4 counties by the time I started secondary school)

lkkjhg · 26/04/2023 20:04

Countries , not counties

RelentlessForwardProgress · 26/04/2023 20:05

Secondary school age kids? No way would I agree

StillWantingADog · 26/04/2023 20:09

Put your foot down. Kids are happy and settled, if you moved then he’d want to move again in a few years. Until they finish school they need to stay put unless there is a specific reason to go.

meanwhile moving to a country with no job, family or connections is nuts. And possibly just not possible.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 26/04/2023 20:09

Maybe he should retrain as a pilot? Take a job as a contractor for a bit. What does he do?

Gcsunnyside23 · 26/04/2023 20:13

He sounds like he will never be happy and I would definitely not move. It's not fair on your kids or you at all. Id be telling my partner he needs to sort himself as chasing happiness will only ruin your relationship in the long run and what's the point moving to a foreign country just to move somewhere else again

CheersForThatEh · 26/04/2023 20:15

At some point you need to put your foot down. Your kids stability should come first. Diesnt matter what he wants now, it's time he put them first

mbosnz · 26/04/2023 20:16

I'm very much afraid your DH might have to learn that he isn't the only one with wants and needs - and that other peoples' needs may have to be put before his wants - even by him.

TLDR - tell him to grow the fuck up.

Theredjellybean · 26/04/2023 20:17

You know "no" is a complete sentence

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