Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wanting to move abroad

139 replies

purplejeanie · 26/04/2023 19:15

DH is from another country. He left that country when he was 18, moved to the states for a decade and then moved to another country where we met and he then moved to England to be with me. He's been in uk more than a decade and we have 4 children, the oldest has just started secondary school. He has a very black and white personality and is either v happy or v down. Throughout his time in the uk he intermittently has said he wants to move. As a result we've moved location 3x (including to his home country for a year-the other places were in the uk), but he's never been consistently happy anywhere. We've been in our present place since the summer and children are happy in schools and settled. He now wants to move again (to a random sunny country where we have no roots and don't speak the language). He is trying to convince the children we'd be happier there. He's managing to persuade them but they're obviously conflicted and tell me how worried they are. Moving would mean I'd lose my job and be in a country far from my home, it would be a huge and another difficult adjustment for the children. He says he can't deal with being here-he hates the rat race and the weather. Aibu to just say no? I don't know how to find a compromise in this situation. I hate that the kids are being pulled in different directions.

OP posts:
mischlerischler · 26/04/2023 21:40

Where you go, there you are.

I also left home at 18 and lived in different countries, so I can understand the excitement it comes with. But once me and DH decided to start a family, I knew we won't be able to move with as much ease. He needs to think about your children and what's best for them. I don't think it's guaranteed he would be so much happier at this magical new place.

Once the excitement wear soff, he will ask you to move again.

It sounds like he needs therapy rather than another move - I agree with PP, it sounds like he is looking for a feeling of belonging.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/04/2023 21:45

Your husband will never be happy, no matter where he lives, because he's trying to run from himself. He's unhappy with himself. Don't put your kids through this shit for a selfish, self-absorbed man.

Minimalme · 26/04/2023 21:51

We have had to move our kids a few times because of money (lack of).

It is so difficult for kids to experience the instability of moving.

We are now settled and happy in our forever home but moving has been a scar on their childhood.

Stay put.

neilyoungismyhero · 26/04/2023 21:51

Baby lab I was fostering, tiny little chap. Asleep in his crate suddenly heard screaming and looked around to find somehow he'd got his tongue caught in the cage door hinge. Dear God the screams, his and mine. My German Shepherds were milling around traumatised which added to the pandemonium. I managed to open the door pup flew backwards losing a piece of his tongue. We rushed him to the French vet who patched him up and he was eventually fine. He went to a German family who adored him. My guilt had never disappeared. It was horrendous.

StarDolphins · 26/04/2023 21:55

Thing is, this is his personality. Wherever he moves to, he’ll never be happy. Some people are just like that.

You need to keep grounded for your children. I would just say no. You’re settled & don’t want to move. You’ve already moved with him several times & you’re babk at square 1.

Aweebitpainful · 26/04/2023 22:01

Get a camper and let him bugger off whenever he needs to without uprooting you all.

determinedtomakethiswork · 26/04/2023 22:04

He is still going to be stuck with himself, no matter where he goes. He has an obligation to his children now and can't just flit around whenever he wants.

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/04/2023 22:08

"He now says that them having a better quality of life (ie in sunshine on the beach) is more important than education. I don't agree that their quality of life would be better necessarily -they wouldn't speak the language and would find friendships hard-no extended family-limited opportunities."
I would rip the face off him for this shit. Stand up shouty rows. He is willing - eager, even - to damage their adult opportunities just because he's a petulant man-child.

"I agree that he's only thinking of himself and totally wrong of him to try and persuade the children. I will put my foot down but afraid of what will happen as a result. He will go on and on and on and it's really difficult to deal with, particularly if he involves the children in the discussions."
Don't be afraid of putting your foot down - be afraid of NOT putting your foot down. If he involves the children in discussions - you said "he will probably continue going on about it and so they will question what I say" then you have no choice but to go on and on yourself and so that they also question what HE says. Do not allow his manipulation to go unopposed.

I would honestly be telling him that there is no way I am moving yet again, but if he's dead set on it - fine. Go on your own. Go. Now.

determinedtomakethiswork · 26/04/2023 22:08

If it's a much poor country will the children have to go into private education? Can you tell us which country it is? Would they even let you all in?

He is putting himself first again and again. If that ends the marriage then so be it but I don't think you and the children should go and live somewhere just because he wants to go there. He will change his mind before they're grown up anyway

crew2022 · 26/04/2023 22:10

And in a few more years ? Will you have to move again?
Doesn't sound as if it's the location to me but your DH

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/04/2023 22:10

And another thing - following his whim will make you unemployed, meaning you would be completely dependant on him financially. This is not a man I would trust to have such a hold over me.

TheaBrandt · 26/04/2023 22:11

Studies show that moving more than 3 times in your childhood is damaging. So no way.

AliceMcK · 26/04/2023 22:17

I’m like your DH, I’d happily up-sticks and move countries on a whim. It’s not just about me though, now I have children I have to think about them. We’ve done 2 big moves in the last 4 years, at the time they were the right decisions and DCs young enough to adjust, but I’ve no intentions on doing any more as dcs entering high school age. I will be trying to save for big overseas adventures instead.

Plantgeumstoday · 26/04/2023 22:20

Put your foot down and say a huge no to this!

My dad was a bit like this as I was growing up.He’d move us all from one end of the country to another at the drop of an hat and it was very destabilising as a child.

Always felt an outsider at school.
Once I’d made friends we’d be off again and being the “new girl “once more.

As a result, left school having no real friends.

If your dh wants to move, let him go alone. This will be never ending and he won’t change as to him the grass is always greener somewhere else.

Stand up for you and the kids.
Far better to break up with him and have some stability if that’s what it takes.

Original poster
purplejeanie · 26/04/2023 22:43

determinedtomakethiswork · 26/04/2023 22:08

If it's a much poor country will the children have to go into private education? Can you tell us which country it is? Would they even let you all in?

He is putting himself first again and again. If that ends the marriage then so be it but I don't think you and the children should go and live somewhere just because he wants to go there. He will change his mind before they're grown up anyway

It's Greece -but no reason for that. Just because it's a warmer climate and cheaper to live there. Doubt we'd get permission to live there! He wants me to home school them-but I'm not doing that. And as pp said I'd be financially dependent on him, which I really don't want. He hasn't thought it through -anything but here

OP posts:
Dedodee · 26/04/2023 22:50

My dad kept moving us around the UK.
I went to 6 different schools.
My education was severely affected and I have only 1 friend from schooldays.
Its horrible for dc.

Endlesssummer2022 · 26/04/2023 22:52

No, I don’t think it’s a good idea to keep moving when you have kids. I know a family like this and because the children never stay anywhere long enough, they don’t make proper friends. As a result the siblings are highly emeshed and don’t really let others in. It’s an unhealthy dynamic.

ohhio80 · 26/04/2023 22:54

I was sure you were going to say Portugal! Digital nomad visas etc.

I don’t think you should agree to it, you’ve moved several times before and it didn’t work. I say that as someone who doesn’t want to stay in the UK either, but I don’t want to move my children around too much (we’ve just moved within the uk) so I am planning to wait until they’re grown up. (If I hadn’t moved my children before, I would move abroad though - if the right opportunity came up for my family - with a lovely school, a fantastic community, and somewhere we’d commit to staying.)

But your kids have moved a lot already and your DH has not thought this through - it’s a complete fantasy. I wouldn’t trust for a minute he’d be happy there.

What about doing home swaps to get away on holiday more?

Also your DH definitely sounds like he could do with therapy.

jaychops · 26/04/2023 22:55

OP, is there a chance your DH could have ADHD? Or Bipolar Disorder?

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 26/04/2023 23:11

He will never settle. He could of course choose to stay still n understand what the moving is all about.

Smallyellowbird · 26/04/2023 23:18

He is incredibly selfish, no concern for his children's happiness or yours. I can't believe he expects you to move to Greece to home school them - you would all by socially isolated.

Would he leave for a warmer country without you all? Would it be a big loss if he did - his selfishness is astounding.

Okki · 26/04/2023 23:23

Can he wfh in Greece for a UK employer? Won't there be tax implications etc now UK not in EU.

Plantgeumstoday · 26/04/2023 23:24

If it’s Greece your DCs will barely have got to grips with the alphabet before it’s time to move again

ZiriForEver · 26/04/2023 23:24

It doesn't have to be that bad for children -learning some level of another language and having the experience of being foreigners (experienced safely while having their family around) would give them much better understanding of the world and people.
In my job majority of management are people who got the abroad experiences when young, as they learned something extra by being there.

Education is important, but it is possible to catch up/dual study.

The only big issue is his idea of giving up your job and homeschooling. It would create great power imbalance in your family.

Okki · 26/04/2023 23:26

Google also suggests you can't homeschool in Greece unless SEN.

Swipe left for the next trending thread