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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wanting to move abroad

139 replies

purplejeanie · 26/04/2023 19:15

DH is from another country. He left that country when he was 18, moved to the states for a decade and then moved to another country where we met and he then moved to England to be with me. He's been in uk more than a decade and we have 4 children, the oldest has just started secondary school. He has a very black and white personality and is either v happy or v down. Throughout his time in the uk he intermittently has said he wants to move. As a result we've moved location 3x (including to his home country for a year-the other places were in the uk), but he's never been consistently happy anywhere. We've been in our present place since the summer and children are happy in schools and settled. He now wants to move again (to a random sunny country where we have no roots and don't speak the language). He is trying to convince the children we'd be happier there. He's managing to persuade them but they're obviously conflicted and tell me how worried they are. Moving would mean I'd lose my job and be in a country far from my home, it would be a huge and another difficult adjustment for the children. He says he can't deal with being here-he hates the rat race and the weather. Aibu to just say no? I don't know how to find a compromise in this situation. I hate that the kids are being pulled in different directions.

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 26/04/2023 23:34

He really hasn't thought this through. I love Greece but it's a different alphabet - greek is not that easy to learn - it's not like moving to Germany or Sweden or Netherlands where you can get by pretty well purely in English with a smattering of the language . We got by in Denmark but that was because virtually everyone spoke English.Do you actually want to spend your time homeschooling?? Even Spain would make more sense! Is he Brazilian or South African or something similar out of interest - does he come from somewhere with hot weather?? Last thing you want is for it all to go tits up and be stranded somewhere you have no one, don't speak the language etc with no job or money.

Codlingmoths · 26/04/2023 23:36

no don’t.to the kids - ‘I know daddy said that but he hasn’t thought it through- mummy can’t work there so cheaper isn’t the benefit it sounds like. It would have to be much much cheaper and we’d have to live carefully if I didn’t earn any money! How about we all practice that to see how it goes?’
’daddy hasn’t looked into it, we can’t just move to Greece, they won’t let us. Anyway, the most important thing for all of you is finishing school.’

to him: if you think I can homeschool then, you can do all their homework with them from now on. Should be so much easier than homeschooling that it will be like a holiday every day.’
and the follow up is no, you couldn’t even do two days of helping them with their homework but you want me to homeschool? You’re not listening when I say over my cold dead body.’

Crikeyalmighty · 26/04/2023 23:37

Someone else also mentioned the tax aspect. Whilst this is more straightforward if you are a freelancer/self employed- it's likely you would have to do the nomad visa route- these have quite strict conditions if neither of you are EU including earnings levels, private health care etc for all of you, has he fully looked into this??

Grrrpredictivetex · 26/04/2023 23:42

.

evuscha · 26/04/2023 23:45

Moving is all fun and games when you’re single or at least childless - I too have lived in 4 different countries in the last 15 years and have valued the experience from it.
However he has a family to consider and is pushing his choices on all of you changing your life for the worse. Homeschooling? Kids starting over in a country where they don’t speak the language and don’t have any friends? Forcing the 5 of you to give up everything so he can get his way?
Also given his history with changing his mind after a few years and moving somewhere else, YDNBU to say no.
Besides, moving to Greece after Brexit might not be as easy as he thinks, and not every UK company allows WFH in a different country as it has tax residency implications for them.

FictionalCharacter · 26/04/2023 23:53

My father kept moving us, I kept having to move schools and it was horrible, very unsettling. Don't let him do it to your kids.

Original poster
purplejeanie · 27/04/2023 07:55

Thanks all. No he hasn't looked into tax implications or any of that. It's just a fantasy..and no I don't want to homeschool and am not equipped to teach most of the secondary school subjects (without learning it all again myself). I also don't want to give up my career. I think he likes the idea of us being socially isolated and a tight family unit but to me it feels suffocating and would damage the kids. And yes..he probably wouldn't be happy there either after a while. I don't know about him having adhd or bipolar -will consider-but he definitely needs therapy (but doesn't think he does). Sigh. Thanks all

OP posts:
Greenfairydust · 27/04/2023 08:30

It sounds like he is never going to be happy and settled wherever he moves...

He seems to think that moving is the magic solution to all his problems when he probably needs to look inside himself as to why he is never able to build a longterm life anywhere.

I think you need to put your foot down because also at this stage your children's well being comes first.

Charley50 · 27/04/2023 08:33

What a selfish man. Tell him to look at rentals in Greece. He can go there and work and the kids (and you) can go for some of the holidays.

AgnesX · 27/04/2023 08:36

junebirthdaygirl · 26/04/2023 19:40

He is chasing happiness but forgets that when he arrives in the new country..there he is! He cannot escape himself. This will never end and if l were you l would say no. Its not a good time for the children. They need to be putting down roots and making solid friendships. Sounds like he could do with some counselling to deal with his inner unhappiness. Or get a job that involves some travelling so you can stay put.

Totally agree with this - you can't leave yourself behind.

billy1966 · 27/04/2023 08:42

I would strongly suggest you call Womens aid.

Both you and your children are being controlled, manipulated, bullied and emotionally abused.

Do not move anywhere again.

Your poor children.

This is not a good man.

He now wants you all isolated and dependent on HIM only, so that he has total control over you all.

You have failed your children by allowing all these moves.

They are worried and confused.

Call Womens aid for support.

Tell HIM leave.

Save your children.

He cares only for himself.

AmandaHoldensLips · 27/04/2023 08:48

Therapy.

He can't keep dragging his family around in pursuit of his own happiness. And you can't keep setting yourself on fire to keep him warm.

Emigratingimmigrant · 27/04/2023 08:49

I don't think he is abusive...

He is lost for numerous reasons and OP followed the wander. The wander now has to stop. If he wants to go, he goes, but I wouldn't call him abusive from these posts. Blinded , yes

yogacushions · 27/04/2023 08:50

Sounds like he is just going to wang on and on whatever you do.

can you just ignore it ?

Who on earth thinks they should move their four kids to Greece in a whim. Totes mental.

sounds like he wants to isolate and control you all, harking back to a pre digital
age. It is a bit creepy

MumInBrussels · 27/04/2023 08:55

Don't move. You don't want to, the kids don't want to, and he isn't going to be happy when you get there anyway. This isn't going to be his last move, where he finds nirvana and settles down.

I moved around a fair amount as a kid and in my twenties. But you can't do that with kids, so I've (somewhat reluctantly and with some difficulty) accepted that this is where we're staying for a while, at least until our kids are grown up. Your husband needs to think about someone other than himself for once. And even if he can't do that, all the moving hasn't made him happy yet - why does he think this time would be better?

He can leave if he's so miserable - and you can kick him out if he's unbearable to live with. You have far more options here than if you moved to the middle of nowhere where you don't speak the language and don't know anyone and don't have a job, and don't understand how the system works. Don't go. Even if he does.

Nordicrain · 27/04/2023 08:57

So it's bascially his latest whim? Trying to satisfy whatever it is making him unhappy by moving somewhere where life actually is likely to be pretty difficult (unsettled kids, one income, no network or support). sounds like a recipe for disaster, and I am someone pretty openminded about relocating generally.

Original poster
purplejeanie · 27/04/2023 09:12

Yeah I don't think he's abusive but is childish and immature. And he's lost --so trying to find a sense of purpose and not thinking enough or at all about impact on us -and when he does think about us, he pictures some idyllic life divorced from reality.

OP posts:
StillWantingADog · 27/04/2023 11:13

The issue is that your DH has depression and needs to get some kind of therapy.

The most ridiculous part of the plan is that you should give up your career and home school the kids! not dissing your ability to homeschool but crikey that is batshit and totally would affect their future career prospects. Hes totally divorced from reality, I wouldn't engage any further on the topic. Unfortunately unless he gets therapy this doesn't bode well for your marriage but you need to put your kids first here,

Crikeyalmighty · 27/04/2023 11:53

Sadly OP I think you are going to have to put your foot down and say that it's simply not happening. It's not practical with kids. If he fancies doing this when the children have left home then fair enough depending how you feel ( although I can tell you that we ended up £17k lighter due to the moves)

Your career matters too no matter how big or small it is- not just his lifestyle fancies.

Would be cheaper to let him go and have a month away twice a year staying somewhere simple- Greece is good for this!

TheaBrandt · 27/04/2023 12:31

I felt stressed reading your post. How incredibly selfish he is. Stand firm - hard no. Moving can be incredibly disruptive to older children and teens - why do you think the MoD pay for boarding school for their staff who move around?

If you absolutely have to relocate due to work that’s one thing but this flitting about is not that. That’s without taking into account the effect on you and your career. Shocking.

piedbeauty · 27/04/2023 12:45

Just say no. You've moved before and it hasn't helped - why does he think this will be different?

He's being really selfish. Put your dc and their happiness, stability and education first.

He can move by himself if he wants.

Ramunea · 27/04/2023 13:04

Nope.

Alaimo · 27/04/2023 13:23

Sorry if it's already been said, but home schooling is illegal in Greece.

Aside from that, moving somewhere when the previous moves haven't worked out is a stupid idea, don't do it.

Intergalacticcatharsis · 27/04/2023 13:31

Sounds like a classic case of midlife crisis to me. It is one thing when you are rich and have a great international job offer with international schools etc or can let the DC board here, it is another when it is one middle aged man’s dream because he feels claustrophobic. Just promise you will move once the youngest is finished. Keep his fantasy going. In the mean time, it is his job to make small changes to his life like new hobbies to keep himself challenged. This is why middle aged men start climbing mountains and run marathons.. the good ones that is. Or learn a new language or instrument.

TheaBrandt · 27/04/2023 13:43

Ha my Dh is learning the language and instrument! More than happy with that - rather that than uprooting the entire family trashing all our careers / schooling / social lines in the process…

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