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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wanting to move abroad

139 replies

purplejeanie · 26/04/2023 19:15

DH is from another country. He left that country when he was 18, moved to the states for a decade and then moved to another country where we met and he then moved to England to be with me. He's been in uk more than a decade and we have 4 children, the oldest has just started secondary school. He has a very black and white personality and is either v happy or v down. Throughout his time in the uk he intermittently has said he wants to move. As a result we've moved location 3x (including to his home country for a year-the other places were in the uk), but he's never been consistently happy anywhere. We've been in our present place since the summer and children are happy in schools and settled. He now wants to move again (to a random sunny country where we have no roots and don't speak the language). He is trying to convince the children we'd be happier there. He's managing to persuade them but they're obviously conflicted and tell me how worried they are. Moving would mean I'd lose my job and be in a country far from my home, it would be a huge and another difficult adjustment for the children. He says he can't deal with being here-he hates the rat race and the weather. Aibu to just say no? I don't know how to find a compromise in this situation. I hate that the kids are being pulled in different directions.

OP posts:
Slimjimtobe · 26/04/2023 20:21

i couldn’t tolerate this - I agree with the poster above to settle for ten years and if he needs to go - well I’d let him

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/04/2023 20:21

I would tell him 'no' and also that trying to destabilise the children's sense of security is shit behaviour. He's a father and it's time to put his children's needs before his wants and grow the fuck up. Or fuck off.

KTSl1964 · 26/04/2023 20:21

All about what HE wants - does he show any consideration for anyone else!!!WTF would you do this to your children - he may have issues with emotionally and physical stability - these are his issues. Tell him NO for once - he’s manipulated his young children!!! It’s all about him!!!

Emigratingimmigrant · 26/04/2023 20:26

Ime it's kind of like adrenaline sports rather than unhappiness within or being "spoilt child".
The anticipation, doing, getting there si very much adrenaline filled and VERY satisfying feelimg for me. Then after a bit the adrenaline drops and you are looking for next , even better, hit.
I moved quite a few times...
I am planning 2 moves ahead usually, eg-"so move here for x years and then to Y or Z after depending on economic climate yeah". I don't think it will ever go away sadly

Natty13 · 26/04/2023 20:29

You would be mad to move.

Ask him what happens when you uproot your life and those of your children to move there, then a year down the line he gets an itchy bum again? When does it stop? If he tells you this IT, the last movement you say well it wasn't any of the other times.

MysteryBelle · 26/04/2023 20:33

Absolutely not. Stand your ground. His problem is with himself not the location. No matter where he goes, he will still be there and so will his problems. Tell him to go for a sunny holiday on his own instead of a permanent move, he can’t expect you to keep uprooting everything and everyone on his strange whims.

MysteryBelle · 26/04/2023 20:35

And don’t allow him to manipulate your dc. He’ll pit them against you “see, they want to move so you have to give in”

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 26/04/2023 20:37

I know people can move house as many times as they want but it sounds like you've only been doing it to try and keep him happy and that he always thinks it will be better somewhere else.

He can trot off wherever he fancies but it would be a no from me.

It's not fair on the kids to keep moving them around once they're settled either.

Original poster
purplejeanie · 26/04/2023 20:44

Thanks everyone-really helpful. He can wfh so would be able to keep his job if we moved. He feels that he has no roots and doesn't understand people that do. I agree with pp who mentioned the adrenaline hit from uprooting-I think this is him. I do get that he is genuinely unhappy here but think he needs to work on that himself and I would agree to him periodically going away to get that sunshine hit, but he doesn't want to go without the kids-and it's unaffordable for us all to go on holiday regularly.

He did commit to staying here until the children have finished secondary school, which would be another 9 years and does apparently value education -but on his whim none of that matters anymore-and his depression is more important. He now says that them having a better quality of life (ie in sunshine on the beach) is more important than education. I don't agree that their quality of life would be better necessarily -they wouldn't speak the language and would find friendships hard-no extended family-limited opportunities.

I agree that he's only thinking of himself and totally wrong of him to try and persuade the children. I will put my foot down but afraid of what will happen as a result. He will go on and on and on and it's really difficult to deal with, particularly if he involves the children in the discussions.

OP posts:
Original poster
purplejeanie · 26/04/2023 20:45

MysteryBelle · 26/04/2023 20:35

And don’t allow him to manipulate your dc. He’ll pit them against you “see, they want to move so you have to give in”

Exactly -but I can't not allow him to manipulate them. I can't control what he says.

OP posts:
Creepyrosemary · 26/04/2023 20:48

What's his issue that he keeps running away or towards something else? I'm all for a bit of adventure but once you have older kids you need to provide a bit of stability for a while. Why can't he grow roots for a while?

InSpainTheRain · 26/04/2023 20:50

I think YANBU to not want to move at all. Having read the OP and subsequent posts I think you should concentrate on helping DH be happier where he is. Maybe counselling would help him work through this. Perhaps he should WFH less and go to the office for a change of scene if that's possible, Perhaps a social group is what he needs. It seems he doesn't have any strings to where he is so it's easier for him to think of moving. I think you'd be crazy to move whilst DCs are in secondary school though, it's such an important time for them.

MysteryBelle · 26/04/2023 20:51

I would like living in England so that’s another reason I side with you op 😀

Stravaig · 26/04/2023 20:53

the old expression of 'wherever you go, there you are' has a great deal of truth in it.

I think this from a pp might be the thread to pull on. I guess money is no object? Tell him no more physical moves for now, instead he commits to some inner journeying via psychotherapy. A more productive way to invest the next relocation budget. Dare him to the challenge and adventure if he balks.

Then see where he is after a year or two.

Emigratingimmigrant · 26/04/2023 20:56

He feels that he has no roots and doesn't understand people that do.

It's belonging. Like I don't belong to my native country anymore as I've been away for too long, nor do I belong to wherever I move. He is probably looking for that. Bad news. Not going to happen most likely.

GinnyBee · 26/04/2023 21:00

He doesn't have ADHD does he? Sounds like he's seeking excitement and stimulation, and has a general restlessness about him, rather than just being spoilt or just depressed. I get like this, and my time tolerance for staying in one place seems to be between 5-7 years. That's when the new place is feeling familiar enough and gets boring.

Crikeyalmighty · 26/04/2023 21:11

@SallyWD I'm glad it's not just me, my FIL 'pencils' us in , in his address book!!

Crikeyalmighty · 26/04/2023 21:22

I also think this being able to WFH fully remotely even overseas, whilst an absolute boon in many ways has made guys like this worse- any inkling of 'not liking somewhere'or bored or want a new adrenaline rush and they have these whims- as it doesn't affect their ability to earn- many men are pretty selfish too and the children changing schools or losing friendships doesn't seem to bother some of them one bit - it's all about their wants

NellyBarney · 26/04/2023 21:24

It's so tough staying in a foreign country once the initial excitement has worn off. It's especially hard for a non-brit to feel comfortable in this country, especially after Brexit. I have lived here now for more than half of my life, paying dutyfully my taxes, and the first thing every!one asks when they meet me is: where are you from? (meaning: obviously not from here, and implying (if not intentionally) that I don't belong here). I am itching to leave somewhere overall 'warmer', but the dc and dh are settled here and have roots. I think your dh has a moral duty to stay and to put on a smile for his family's sake, but it's totally understandable that he is depressed and restless, and I don't think therapy can fix the fact that the UK, especially now, is just not a good place, especially for immigrants.

Emigratingimmigrant · 26/04/2023 21:27

@NellyBarney Brexit, pandemic and current overall situation is making many plan their moves, yes. It's always quite a combination of thimgs. Adrenaline/excitment/belonging/eanting to move for better when things go bad

readbooksdrinktea · 26/04/2023 21:30

YANBU but I get him too. UK is hard for non-Brits after 2016. Many of us left.

DivorcingEU · 26/04/2023 21:33

YADNBU.

Do not move.

I do not understand how holidays abroad are too expensive, when moving seems to be financially possible (other than you needing to find work). It's really expensive to move, while there are always bargain holidays out there to be had.

The manipulation of the kids is unacceptable. It's very destabilising for them - he's undermining them building their life here and growing roots. I think you need to speak to him about how you're not moving and there's no more discussion to be had (and mean it). And then speak separately to the kids and tell them that Dad is getting itchy feet but not to worry, you're staying out and will try to have holidays away if it's possible. It's not that you're going against what he's saying by doing that, it's that you're actively giving them stability. But if you do that, you must hold firm. You cannot cave.

Whatever you do, do not give up working now that you're back in the workplace. You need to keep yourself as financially strong as possible in this situation.

Original poster
purplejeanie · 26/04/2023 21:33

I agree re Brexit although he's not European but when we were not living in a city in the uk definitely felt like an outsider.
Money is an object (to the person who said that it's not) but he wants to live a simpler life in new foreign country where things would be cheaper. But he hasn't thought any of it through. And I can't do it! Will keep trying to encourage him to seek therapy and to go out more etc etc but he's v stubborn.

OP posts:
OliveToboogie · 26/04/2023 21:36

He seems not to be Happy anywhere. You can't keep uprooting kids lives on the off chance your husband might be happy. I don't think a change of scenery is what he needs but therapy.

Original poster
purplejeanie · 26/04/2023 21:37

DivorcingEU · 26/04/2023 21:33

YADNBU.

Do not move.

I do not understand how holidays abroad are too expensive, when moving seems to be financially possible (other than you needing to find work). It's really expensive to move, while there are always bargain holidays out there to be had.

The manipulation of the kids is unacceptable. It's very destabilising for them - he's undermining them building their life here and growing roots. I think you need to speak to him about how you're not moving and there's no more discussion to be had (and mean it). And then speak separately to the kids and tell them that Dad is getting itchy feet but not to worry, you're staying out and will try to have holidays away if it's possible. It's not that you're going against what he's saying by doing that, it's that you're actively giving them stability. But if you do that, you must hold firm. You cannot cave.

Whatever you do, do not give up working now that you're back in the workplace. You need to keep yourself as financially strong as possible in this situation.

Thanks for your message. I must stand firm and will talk to the children but he will probably continue going on about it and so they will question what I say. Moving abroad may be cheaper because it's a one off cost, whereas regularly going on holiday is obviously expensive (there are 6 of us). But if we moved abroad, I'd lose my income and that would be difficult.

OP posts: