DH wanting to move abroad

[purplejeanie]

DH is from another country. He left that country when he was 18, moved to the states for a decade and then moved to another country where we met and he then moved to England to be with me. He's been in uk more than a decade and we have 4 children, the oldest has just started secondary school. He has a very black and white personality and is either v happy or v down. Throughout his time in the uk he intermittently has said he wants to move. As a result we've moved location 3x (including to his home country for a year-the other places were in the uk), but he's never been consistently happy anywhere. We've been in our present place since the summer and children are happy in schools and settled. He now wants to move again (to a random sunny country where we have no roots and don't speak the language). He is trying to convince the children we'd be happier there. He's managing to persuade them but they're obviously conflicted and tell me how worried they are. Moving would mean I'd lose my job and be in a country far from my home, it would be a huge and another difficult adjustment for the children. He says he can't deal with being here-he hates the rat race and the weather. Aibu to just say no? I don't know how to find a compromise in this situation. I hate that the kids are being pulled in different directions.

I think he likes the idea of us being socially isolated and a tight family unit

I'll bet he does - you being jobless and reliant on him for money would probably suit him just fine as a further means of control

If he does leave alone he could well be doing you all a favour, but for the children's sake you need proper legal advice ... now

What about if you call his bluff and say discuss with employer and see if they're happy for him to work in Greece. Just say find out what needs to be done re medical care etc for all of you. Is he likely to realise that it's not going to happen when he gets confronted by an obstacle or two that he can't blame on you?

Has he had to apply for work/residence visas for any of your other moves?

Also, that will keep you in the loop of what he may be planning and not finding out about behind your back.

So who does he think will look after them while he's working, in his fantasy land?

My mum is like this. She has bi polar , but it's so so draining to live with.

If someone is unhappy in one place, they're probably going to be unhappy in another place too.

I think what he's doing to your children is awful.

• if you don't move, and the kids feel it's due to them, they'll feel eternally guilty for holding back dad from feeling happy.

They may also start blaming you for their dads unhappiness. Again, not on.

Your husband has a serious problem here, and I'm not referring to his depression. He is emotionally damaging his own children. He's already forced them to be uprooted. There are so many examples of kids struggling for life due to not being given the opportunity to find friends and stability.

Your husband is beyond selfish, he's emotionally harmful. I can't believe anyone would want to put that kind of emotional responsibility onto 4 young children.

If he continues to play with them like he is, then I'm sorry, but he needs to leave the house. It's not fair on the kids.

Sorry just seen your last post. Make an appointment with a solicitor. Ask about a prohibited steps order too. That will prevent him taking your children abroad.
Sorry but I'd also be getting your ducks on a row to separate too.
He sounds like a fru££in nightmare !

Pleased to hear you are not giving in. Sadly this sounds like the end of your marriage so I think you need to consider your next steps with regards to separating.

His new plan is Costa Rica rather than Greece because cheaper. He's never previously applied for visas and doesn't know what's permissible. He says loads of people are there from the uk so must be doable. He has his own business so quite flexible. He paints this picture of an idyllic life in a villa by beach and that children will be fine with online tutoring and home schooling and that positives of life in sunshine compensate for lost opportunities leaving uk. He told me he will fight me for the kids if necessary as can't bear to leave them. I can't imagine him getting himself together to do that though. He also threatened suicide if I don't cooperate and is obviously being manipulative. I do think he might have bi polar or something. He will try and wear me down.

He's clearly never heard the phrase "the grass is always greener on the other side".

For your children's sake, put your foot down and say no.

Oh sorry, having just read your last update it sounds like he does have unaddressed mental health issues and indeed is very manipulative 😞 Bipolar is very possible, as you've said, due to the delusions (because who would seriously think his Costa Rica plan is a good idea??) and sharp changes in mood/behaviour.

If he did make good on his threat to fight you for the kids, I don't think the judge would be on his side.

No. You have done more than enough moving around to please him and clearly catered to his whims. Your children now beed stability and your husband needs to find what fulfils him in life instead of constantly upheaving the whole family as clearly this constant moving is jot making him happy. What career does he have? Maybe he needs to look at retraining in a more fulfilling career and trying activities close to home to build up his social network. He is putting his needs above everyone else and now is the time for the kids to have stability and focus on a steady home life and education. Once they have flown the neat there will be plenty of time for travelling. I would be firmly saying No this time as it seems he is unfulfilled and does not know what he wants.

Completely agree with other posters that it does sound like he has untreated mental health issues. No judge is going to sign off on moving the children to Costa Rica, or Greece, or anywhere else he comes up with, as long as you don't agree to take them abroad, but I do think the marriage is over at this point OP. I'm so sorry but he's just not capable of engaging with you rationally.