Page 8 | To have made SIL cry

Scotlandma · 2023-04-26T12:44:54+00:00

A while ago whilst visiting with SIL she made a joke about giving DS lots of sweets when he comes over and said it’ll be a secret. completely harmless. however the next time we spoke (by text) I did just say I know you were joking but just so you know for the future when DS is older we will have a no secret rule and just sent a little information on why we want to have a no secret rule for children. she then called DH crying saying I’ve offended her… am I being unreasonable?

KittyAlfred · 26/04/2023 17:25

Also it sounds like your SIL made one of those still throwaway comments, like when people look at a baby and say “oh he/she’s going to break some hearts”. Would you then text later and say please don’t imply that my child will upset other people, I plan to raise my child to be kind and considerate to others!

KittyAlfred · 26/04/2023 17:27

toomuchlaundry · 26/04/2023 17:25

Basic safeguarding never tell a child to keep a secret

Yes but it was a joke. OP knew it was a joke. SIL was joking. She never said she was going to tell the child to keep secrets. She joked about sweets and keeping quiet about it. OP is behaving as if she said she was going to cruelly abuse her nephew and make him promise not to tell.

Can you tell the difference?

toomuchlaundry · 26/04/2023 17:27

It’s a really good message for all adults to take on board.

KittyAlfred · 26/04/2023 17:28

LittleMie · 26/04/2023 17:25

It's OTT I think, you'd only need to address it if it became a problem. In this case it wasn't actually a secret and it was a harmless comment that most family members say at some point with a child. Sending the information was a bit condescending I'd say, wouldn't have cried though

OP has said she’s very blunt. There may be a back story here. People often say they’re “blunt” when they’re basically quite rude to others.

TheGlitterFairy · 26/04/2023 17:29

Similar type of SIL here - very drama llama and v tiring. Good for you for saying something if you’re uncomfortable with it.

TheSingingBean · 26/04/2023 17:32

toomuchlaundry · 26/04/2023 17:21

@widowtwankywashroom this is a situation where a child is told to keep something secret from their parents, not a situation where a teenager decides they don’t want to tell their parents something. Different thing

But the SIL made a joke in front of the OP, it wasn't anything similar to telling a child to keep something secret.

The OP was right there, and by her own admission recognised it was a joke.

KittyAlfred · 26/04/2023 17:32

toomuchlaundry · 26/04/2023 17:27

It’s a really good message for all adults to take on board.

Do you understand what a joke is though? It was a joke. It doesn’t mean that SIL doesn’t understand about kid and secrets. it’s called a throwaway remark.

If I said “oh no I’m running late, I’m going to have to drive like a bat out of hell to get there in time”, that doesn’t mean I’m planning to drive dangerously and need a lecture on how to drive.

If I ate a huge meal and said “wow I’m stuffed, I’m never going to eat again”, that doesn’t mean I’m planning to starve myself, and need to be told that’s not a good idea.

ratherbepaddleboarding · 26/04/2023 17:33

It's the kind of thing I might have done in the haze of having a precious new born....and then cringed about it later.

You were berating her for a joke that you yourself admit was harmless, and were equating gov my sweets with something much more sinister, which is why she's upset and probably embarrassed and now feels like she can't make harmless jokes.

If you wanted to get the no secrets rule across, why not have waited a few months until the sweets comment was forgotten and then introduced it in a context entirely of it it's own, just explaining what it is and why you're doing it.

That would have saved her embarrassment.

LittleMie · 26/04/2023 17:33

@KittyAlfred SIL will feel like she's treading on egg shells around nephew now, wouldn't be surprised if she takes a huge step back

KittyAlfred · 26/04/2023 17:34

LittleMie · 26/04/2023 17:33

@KittyAlfred SIL will feel like she's treading on egg shells around nephew now, wouldn't be surprised if she takes a huge step back

I agree.

WalkingAwayNow · 26/04/2023 17:34

Scotlandma · 26/04/2023 13:59

That’s fair enough I personally thought I was being nice but admittedly naturally I am a blunt person

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Do you also ‘tell it like it is’?

You were patronising. Did you refer to it as a ‘little information’ in the text? Ugh.

If you really felt you had to say this, you should have done so at the time or in person when you next met. Perhaps casually in the context of eating sweets, sharing gifts etc. You made this far more preachy than it needed to be. And I cannot stand preachy people.

toomuchlaundry · 26/04/2023 17:36

@KittyAlfred but it is something that shouldn’t be said even as a joke. Children will be told in school that they should never be told to keep a secret from a trusted adult, so it just confuses them when a relative does it. Abusers, within families or s friend, are likely to start off with something like sweets and then move on with other things, always telling the child that this will be their secret, mustn’t tell your parents. That’s why children are told to tell their parents whatever the secret, so hopefully it would stop an abuser in their tracks as they realise a child will tell whatever the secret, nice or horrible.

Hercisback · 26/04/2023 17:36

Sounds like you turned a joke into a lecture. To follow up text makes a big deal of something that wasn't.

Justhereforthebotox · 26/04/2023 17:37

In my opinion, you were being a bit precious and she was being a bit dramatic. Hug and make up.

Kitcaterpillar · 26/04/2023 17:42

It was a weird thing to do about a close relative making a very normal family joke. I'm surprised that part is up for debate.

Crying is a bit soft though.

Ludicrousness · 26/04/2023 17:44

What a pair of drama llamas the pair of you are.

Exactly this

Stripedbag101 · 26/04/2023 17:46

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 26/04/2023 13:54

It’s fine, but good luck with that when he’s a teenager.

But you understand why there is a no secrets rule don’t you? This is about educating young children that adults shouldn’t ask them to keep secrets - because those secrets can be really really bad and children need to know they can tell their parents anything.

my sister told me not to talk about secrets with my nephews - I know why! I would never ask the kids to keep secrets.

KittyAlfred · 26/04/2023 17:48

toomuchlaundry · 26/04/2023 17:36

@KittyAlfred but it is something that shouldn’t be said even as a joke. Children will be told in school that they should never be told to keep a secret from a trusted adult, so it just confuses them when a relative does it. Abusers, within families or s friend, are likely to start off with something like sweets and then move on with other things, always telling the child that this will be their secret, mustn’t tell your parents. That’s why children are told to tell their parents whatever the secret, so hopefully it would stop an abuser in their tracks as they realise a child will tell whatever the secret, nice or horrible.

SIL didn’t say it to the child, she said it to the adults.

Nordicrain · 26/04/2023 17:50

Scotlandma · 26/04/2023 16:41

@Nordicrain my SIL isn’t just anyone she’s a key person in my DS life and is a trusted adult.

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Still. You can't control everyone around you on everything. And you could just have said something lighthearted at the time. Instead you (not so) "casually" sent her partonising "information" on why using the term secret is basically ensuring her nephew is a sexual abuse victim.

Btw, we have the same conversations with our kids on secrets. We actually specifically explain to them that some adults may ask them to keep secrets and what they should do.

LittleMie · 26/04/2023 17:51

toomuchlaundry · 26/04/2023 17:36

@KittyAlfred but it is something that shouldn’t be said even as a joke. Children will be told in school that they should never be told to keep a secret from a trusted adult, so it just confuses them when a relative does it. Abusers, within families or s friend, are likely to start off with something like sweets and then move on with other things, always telling the child that this will be their secret, mustn’t tell your parents. That’s why children are told to tell their parents whatever the secret, so hopefully it would stop an abuser in their tracks as they realise a child will tell whatever the secret, nice or horrible.

Its sweets from his aunty for goodness sake! She should teach her son not accept secrets instead of confronting SIL, you can't go round telling potential abusers not to tell your child secrets because they don't care. If SIL said I'm going tell you a secret later, fair enough pull her up on it but in this case she knows what the 'secret' is, so it's not a secret.

CheesesandWines · 26/04/2023 17:53

Scotlandma · 26/04/2023 16:41

@Nordicrain my SIL isn’t just anyone she’s a key person in my DS life and is a trusted adult.

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As long as you know you made this weird, not your SIL.

toomuchlaundry · 26/04/2023 17:54

@KittyAlfred its one of those things that you should just get into the habit of not saying. Many posters have excused it as something that has been said in families for years, but it is now something that is covered in schools to not be said, so far better for everyone to treat it as something that shouldn’t be said. It is a phrase commonly used by abusers so why see it as a jokey comment

FangedFrisbee · 26/04/2023 17:55

Massive pair of drama llamas the pair of you. I wouldn't bother with you again

Stripedbag101 · 26/04/2023 18:07

LittleMie · 26/04/2023 17:51

Its sweets from his aunty for goodness sake! She should teach her son not accept secrets instead of confronting SIL, you can't go round telling potential abusers not to tell your child secrets because they don't care. If SIL said I'm going tell you a secret later, fair enough pull her up on it but in this case she knows what the 'secret' is, so it's not a secret.

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But it’s not bad to tell an adult - feed him all the sweets you like but there will be no secrets. We will have that drummed into him from a young age - so we asking all the adults in the family not to confuse him by asking him to keep secrets. I am sure you have seen all the stuff on secrets and child abuse.

I would’ve be offended of someone said that

Kiwisarenotjustfruit · 26/04/2023 18:10

LittleMie · 26/04/2023 17:51

Its sweets from his aunty for goodness sake! She should teach her son not accept secrets instead of confronting SIL, you can't go round telling potential abusers not to tell your child secrets because they don't care. If SIL said I'm going tell you a secret later, fair enough pull her up on it but in this case she knows what the 'secret' is, so it's not a secret.

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You can absolutely go around telling potential abusers not to tell your children secrets. They won’t abuse a child if they think they will be immediately caught. In practice, you tell everyone in your extended family circle/babysitters etc that you don’t do secrets whenever it comes up - later on it’ll be the kids that say it back to everyone. So a conversation with a nice Aunty would go ´DN, can you keep a secret?’ ´Auntie, we don’t keep secrets in our family’. ‘Ah yes, of course. That’s a good rule to have. It’s actually a surprise. I bought a lovely cake for tea when mummy comes back. Do you think she’ll like it?’