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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have made SIL cry

334 replies

Scotlandma · 26/04/2023 13:44

A while ago whilst visiting with SIL she made a joke about giving DS lots of sweets when he comes over and said it’ll be a secret.

completely harmless.
however the next time we spoke (by text) I did just say I know you were joking but just so you know for the future when DS is older we will have a no secret rule and just sent a little information on why we want to have a no secret rule for children.

she then called DH crying saying I’ve offended her…

am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Behindtheback · 26/04/2023 16:33

TheSingingBean · 26/04/2023 16:24

What happened to you is awful, and is exactly why the 'no secrets' principle is one to observe.

But SIL made a joke to the OP - she wasn't saying it to the child. The OP knew it was a joke and still delivered a text-lecture.

Show quote history

I think jokes are where it’s at.

Calling out sexiest, or racist jokes is important - I think we can all agree on that.

From listening to the experience of women in domestic abuse situations, not calling out an abuser’s “banter” in family social settings can be massively under mining and psychologically destabilising for the victim.

And I think this is another situation where it matters more to raise awareness than to be polite.

I’d rather strike the flat note as the person with no sense of humour, than be complicit.

WaitingfortheTardis · 26/04/2023 16:34

You both sound like you enjoy a bit of drama.

Arucana · 26/04/2023 16:34

PollyPeptide · 26/04/2023 16:31

Instead you have sent a kind hearted, well meaning adult, who loves your child a patronising messaging, insinuating their behaviour could put your DC at risk of abuse. I can absolutely understand why she is upset.

I agree.

Well…. If she was that well meaning then she like would have rolled her eyes a bit when she got the text and sent a thoughtful reply.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 26/04/2023 16:35

Behindtheback · 26/04/2023 16:33

I think jokes are where it’s at.

Calling out sexiest, or racist jokes is important - I think we can all agree on that.

From listening to the experience of women in domestic abuse situations, not calling out an abuser’s “banter” in family social settings can be massively under mining and psychologically destabilising for the victim.

And I think this is another situation where it matters more to raise awareness than to be polite.

I’d rather strike the flat note as the person with no sense of humour, than be complicit.

Show quote history

So now Auntie is on par with abusers? Over sweets?

Original poster
Scotlandma · 26/04/2023 16:41

Nordicrain · 26/04/2023 16:29

"I can’t control how those people act but I can try to prepare my DS for the world"

Well exactly, so you need to teach your DS not to accept secrets from you, not your SIL.

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@Nordicrain my SIL isn’t just anyone she’s a key person in my DS life and is a trusted adult.

OP posts:
PollyPeptide · 26/04/2023 16:41

Arucana · 26/04/2023 16:34

Well…. If she was that well meaning then she like would have rolled her eyes a bit when she got the text and sent a thoughtful reply.

Show quote history

I guess she was upset that her acknowledged joke has put her on a par with possible child abusers.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 26/04/2023 16:42

PollyPeptide · 26/04/2023 16:41

I guess she was upset that her acknowledged joke has put her on a par with possible child abusers.

Show quote history

And racists

Emigratingimmigrant · 26/04/2023 16:44

I would still like to know whta the "little bit of information" was tbh. To get that reaction

AliceOlive · 26/04/2023 16:50

Not the kind of conversation to have over text message.

Modaboutyou · 26/04/2023 16:53

and just sent a little information on why we want to have a no secret rule for children.
Totally unnecessary to send this to her. You acknowledged it was a joke so let it go. I wouldn't have cried but I would have been pissed off if I had received 'a little information' ie lecture.

CurlewKate · 26/04/2023 16:55

"my SIL isn’t just anyone she’s a key person in my DS life and is a trusted adult."

It is entirely possible that she is no longer a key person in your ds's life. If I were her I probably wouldn't be.

JenniferBarkley · 26/04/2023 17:00

Sissynova · 26/04/2023 16:11

I mean it’s totally over the top in my mind.

A close family member giving sweets and joking about it being a secret isn’t a gateway to abuse.z

Not to mention the child concerned is still too young for secret sweets and thus is presumably a baby and too young to understand what was being said. People say all sorts of shit to babies that they wouldn't say to older children.

widowtwankywashroom · 26/04/2023 17:00

You completely over reacted.
If you think you will go through life in a no secret house from a teenager, you are very naive.

McSlowburn · 26/04/2023 17:05

I would have been offended if you'd sent that reply to me too. It just comes across as very judgmental on your behalf.

Your SIL is being OTT by crying though - in her shoes I would have probably just had a chat with your DH.

Thegoodbadandugly · 26/04/2023 17:08

It's obviously been said in front of you in a jokey way, had it been done when nobody was around then I would get what you were saying. There's a huge difference between a joke and a safe guarding concern!

KittyAlfred · 26/04/2023 17:10

Your message was bizarre and incredibly patronising. And totally unnecessary, as you knew it was a joke. I imagine your SIL felt humiliated and told off, like a naughty child, and possibly vulnerable too, worrying you won’t let her see her nephew. You were deliberately spiteful and it would have upset me too. Are you a new parent? This is not the way to treat people who you may need to call on for child care.

NotAnotherBathBomb · 26/04/2023 17:13

So extra.

Agree about secrets, but that wasn't the way to do it.

Iwishicouldflyhigh · 26/04/2023 17:15

I assume this is your first born?

you will look back and cringe that you did this!!

Colourmylifewith · 26/04/2023 17:18

OP you sound like the sort of person a lot of people are keen to avoid.
I wouldn’t have cried about it but it would put me off being around you, you sound sanctimonious and smug.
Im guessing you are a FTM and think you have it all figured out in the whole 2 years (or whatever) of your DS’s life 🙄

Colourmylifewith · 26/04/2023 17:19

Iwishicouldflyhigh · 26/04/2023 17:15

I assume this is your first born?

you will look back and cringe that you did this!!

Just posted similar! No one knows more than a newish mum with little experience!!

toomuchlaundry · 26/04/2023 17:21

@widowtwankywashroom this is a situation where a child is told to keep something secret from their parents, not a situation where a teenager decides they don’t want to tell their parents something. Different thing

KittyAlfred · 26/04/2023 17:22

Whilst I understand your reasoning behind banning secrets, what will happen when your DS is a bit older, and your DH says let’s buy Mummy a surprise present for her birthday, keep it a secret till the day. How will you navigate that?

as others have said, you really haven’t thought this through, and your behaviour is off the scale PFB!

toomuchlaundry · 26/04/2023 17:24

@KittyAlfred that’s when you distinguish between a secret (never to be told) and a surprise (mum will find out on her birthday)

toomuchlaundry · 26/04/2023 17:25

Basic safeguarding never tell a child to keep a secret

LittleMie · 26/04/2023 17:25

It's OTT I think, you'd only need to address it if it became a problem. In this case it wasn't actually a secret and it was a harmless comment that most family members say at some point with a child. Sending the information was a bit condescending I'd say, wouldn't have cried though