To feel upset about sons no contact

[otherthanthat]

My ds is early 20s and lives back home with us now.
He met a girl a couple of years ago and she took an instant dislike to every member of our family, he moved in with her and they blocked us and went no contact for 18 months until they split and he came home.
He's never mentioned the no contact apart from to say he hadn't wanted to, it was her, and she didn't like anyone. He had a choice too though.

I have a close relationship with DS and we do lot's together but so did we before he met his ex and so I feel sad to know he would just turn his back on us all if someone else wanted him to.

I wouldn't ever mention it to him but I feel hurt that he didn't even give us an explanation, just ghosted us all and then casually tells us 18 months later, don't worry you didn't do anything wrong.
I understand he would put his gf first and would expect him to but 18 months felt like such a long time, and so many people were hurt, my mum died in that time still hoping for a reconciliation.

He lives here now and just behaves like nothing happened, his little sisters were hurt and confused as were other grandparents, but he seems unaffected and just carries on as though we should all be so pleased to see him again.
Maybe I should be grateful but I feel we spend 18 months wondering what we'd done wrong, worried we'd never see or hear from him, for him to say we didn't do anything wrong.
I suppose knowing I couldn't have done that to my beloved mum and that he could do it hurts the most.

Just leave it he's back sounds like he was an in abusive relationship.

He was in a toxic/abusive relationship.

Please don't blame him or try and make him feel bad. I understand that you're hurt but believe me, you won't achieve anything from trying to get an explanation out of him.

I think he owes you all an explanation.

I think a lot of men have an "out of sight out of mind" attitude, and, being largely self centred, are content in the set up that works best for them. So many threads on here women mention arranging contact with her husband's or partner's family, remembering their birthdays etc. because if she didn't they'd never see his family and his family wouldn't get cards and gifts.

He ghosted you because it benefited him more to keep his girlfriend happy. He's happy to be back home because it works for him, for now. Be careful not to build your life around him because when he meets someone else his focus will be elsewhere.

You also have absolutely no idea how you'd behave in the same circumstances, so it's a bit bold to say "I suppose knowing I couldn't have done that to my beloved mum and that he could do it hurts the most."

Cutting your SO off from friends and family is a very common abuse tactic. Please don't blame your son or make him feel guilty for being in an abusive relationship, he's so young, it's so easy to fall into it without even realising. Just be thankful he seems to have gotten out of it ok and come back.

In this house it would go something like this, I am going to talk, you are going to listen, you are going to answer the questions I have and then we will move on.

Actions have consequences but that goes both ways, so let us both clear the air re the MIA period and then move on.

Was there absolutely no falling out or reason she took a dislike to the entire family?

What happened that led to him moving back into the family home and ‘casually’ telling you all that you’d done nothing wrong? I think at the point he said he was moving back in I would have offered to support him as I could manage from a distance, but explain that choosing to become part of the family again after a year and a half of ignoring everyone including his younger sisters would be a process of rebuilding trust and relations, not an automatic move back in and live for free with mum and dad.

I would have to talk about it OP, that sounds really hard and he can't just brush it under the carpet. Esp losing your mum during that period 🙁

Absolutely this! Sums it up. Those who say the girlfriend was “toxic/abusive” are just blaming it all on the girlfriend. I’m confident she didn’t hold a gun to his head. It’s an insult to your son’s intelligence to blame the girlfriend when he could speak to you anytime he wanted - you just weren’t his priority at that time.

The DS hasn't actually explained any circumstances other than his GF didn't like the family and he went along with it. And now he's home everyone should be grateful and not bother him about it.

He ghosted them. He didn't say I don't want to be in contact because of x, y or z or because of these circumstances.

The OP has the right to say she would not do that to her family with zero explanation. Most people would not do that or if they did, would offer some kind of explanation so the family like OP is, aren't left in the dark.

I wouldn't frame it in the words of wanting a explanation as others have said it sounds like he was in a toxic/abusive relationship.

I would want to have a chat with him in a non pressured environment (out for coffee etc) about recognising red flags when in a relationship and about emotional abuse/toxic relationships to make sure he has the skills to recognise and hopefully avoid in future.

Guilt tripping is not going to help though. Young men especially are known for keeping feelings internalised it's why suicide is the leading cause of death in men under 40.He obviously knows his grandmother died without reconciliation and will be carrying that with him whether he shows it externally or not.

I hate no edit feature on MN! The last sentence should be to not offer and kind of explanation after coming home.

You are well within your rights to want to talk about this further.

What he did was incredibly hurtful and selfish.

You need to know because I guess you are worried he might do it again

yes we all know about abusers cutting people off from their family but it doesn’t sound like you are convinced that is what actually happened?

He just said she didn't like any of the family and also his dad and step mum and siblings that side so it was both sided of his family.
He assured us we hadn't done anything wrong.

No that’s not a good enough reason! I’m afraid he isn’t entirely innocent here

He met a girl a couple of years ago and she took an instant dislike to every member of our family, he moved in with her and they blocked us and went no contact for 18 months until they split and he came home.
He's never mentioned the no contact apart from to say he hadn't wanted to, it was her, and she didn't like anyone. He had a choice too though.

He might be ashamed that he allowed himself to be controlled by her and felt he had no choice. You don't know what their relationship was like but from what he's told you it appears as if she was limiting his choices. If this were a daughter I suspect you would be viewing this very differently. Just be pleased he's back and let him know he can talk to you if he wants to.

What a bananas thing to say. Most people who have a good relationship with their family could say with a high or even absolute level of confidence that they would not cut their family off for no reason just because a partner didn’t like them.

This is exactly it. Your son just chose to do what suited him. And he'll probably do it again.

There are a lot of sons like this around.

If he was in an abusive relationship, has he received any kind of help to understand why that happened and take steps so that something similar doesn't happen again? If he is getting appropriate professional help it may be fine to leave him to it if he's not yet able to talk. If not - I'm not sure letting him sweep it under the rug, if that's what he's doing, is best for him long term. He's technically an adult, but he is still young and he's still your son and he's living in your house; I don't think you should be shamed for wanting to make sure he is OK and to understand something about his behviour that has hurt you and your family.

His conduct regarding his grandmother was hurtful and can't be undone. It may not have been "his fault", but there still were and are consequences. I would be worried about facilitating bringing him back into direct everyday contact with other family members - especially if his sisters live with you and are minors.

Does he contribute to the house, rent, chores etc?

She may well have been abusive/toxic but your ds either didn't recognise this, or felt unable to resist it. Aside from your own (justified) feelings about it all, that's an issue too.
So I would want to talk about it for twofold reasons - to explain how hurt you and the family felt about it because a significant part of your unit was missing; and whether he now sees it as controlling behaviour and whether he feels he has the insight to recognise and avoid it in future.

I think I'd start by asking if he's okay after everything that happened, continuing with that you're there for him to talk to. It may look as if he's swanned back in without a care in the world, but you don't know what's going on in his head, nor how he was stopped from seeing family.

Yes, I bet it hurt, but I also bet he was put in the position where he had to choose between the gf and his family. There are so many ways he could have been coerced into this. Threats of suicide are a common one in abusive relationships.

If this was a daughter rather than son, how would you view it?

What a bananas thing to say. Most people who have a good relationship with their family could say with a high or even absolute level of confidence that they would not cut their family off for no reason just because a partner didn’t like them.

Yep - and lots of people would also say they'd never stay in a toxic relationship, or with a cheater - and yet millions do.

If your daughter was cut off from you by an abusive partner, would you be angry with her and tell her she needs to take responsibility? Or would you be sympathetic and tell her not to blame herself?