To feel upset about sons no contact

[otherthanthat]

My ds is early 20s and lives back home with us now.
He met a girl a couple of years ago and she took an instant dislike to every member of our family, he moved in with her and they blocked us and went no contact for 18 months until they split and he came home.
He's never mentioned the no contact apart from to say he hadn't wanted to, it was her, and she didn't like anyone. He had a choice too though.

I have a close relationship with DS and we do lot's together but so did we before he met his ex and so I feel sad to know he would just turn his back on us all if someone else wanted him to.

I wouldn't ever mention it to him but I feel hurt that he didn't even give us an explanation, just ghosted us all and then casually tells us 18 months later, don't worry you didn't do anything wrong.
I understand he would put his gf first and would expect him to but 18 months felt like such a long time, and so many people were hurt, my mum died in that time still hoping for a reconciliation.

He lives here now and just behaves like nothing happened, his little sisters were hurt and confused as were other grandparents, but he seems unaffected and just carries on as though we should all be so pleased to see him again.
Maybe I should be grateful but I feel we spend 18 months wondering what we'd done wrong, worried we'd never see or hear from him, for him to say we didn't do anything wrong.
I suppose knowing I couldn't have done that to my beloved mum and that he could do it hurts the most.

Is there another family member that your son looks up to or holds in some esteem that could meet up and talk with him and ask tje questions you need answers to?

He owes everyone an explanation for why he was in a toxic and possibly abusive relationship?

@Chasingadvice OP thinks he could do it again in another relationship, so either she needs to talk to him so he can recognise the signs of an abusive relationship, or he is a selfish arse and he needs to explain why he did what he did including not being there when his nan died.

@CaramelicedLatte
not true, if i was my daughter i would also ask, no difference whatsoever

Well that would have been my mum the most but he talks to his dad and step dad me and step mum siblings and cousins aunts uncle's, there's no shortage of support from us.
Maybe he has talked to a friend.

The more you post, he sounds selfish. He might have been in an abusive relationship. One doesn't exclude the other.

I'd take it personally!

Why is it ok for (some) men to not care?

@otherthanthat as others have said why do you think it is okay for men not to care. In your son's relationship would you have expected the gf to sort out communication with you, Christmas presents etc?

He just feels blameless in it and that it was her not him so why am I asking him for?
When I asked him why she didn't like us he just said she doesn't like anyone and when I asked what we'd done I got nothing mum it's just what she's like.
... he makes short closed answers and then talks about something else, it's clearly just not open to discussion

He's moved back to your home so up do have some say in this and don't have to passively accept what little explanation he gives.
How about saying "But son, you do understand you don't have to just do what a girlfriend says without questioning, don't you? It's not normal or healthy to do that. Do you realise that?"
And
"This caused so much hurt in our family, it makes me worried you don't understand how families or relationships work. How would you do it differently if your next girlfriend makes that sort of demand?"
Or "You're living in our family home so you need to show that you care about your family. That's normal behaviour. It makes me happy when you show you care on my birthday and mother's day. My birthday is on (Date) and I want you to get me a card, OK?"

Couple more articles that might help - exploring the possibility that your own childhood led you to be too accommodating to your son:

Guess what happens if you let your kids treat you like garbage?

How Do I Parent My Disrespectful 19 Year Old Son?

I would make it a condition of him returning to the family home that he attends a course of family therapy with you, in which all the issues are fully explored with a neutral therapist.
How can he possibly expect to just shove all your emotional pain under the carpet and pick up where he left off? Actions have consequences, and he is refusing to face them.

Great suggestion - an opportunity to intervene which could materially improve both OP's and her son's lives.

I find it interesting you’re automatically blaming the girlfriend.

My OH is no contact with his family after a childhood and teen years of bullshit. He had a fall out with a sibling because he spoke up about something he feels strongly about (unrelated to her) which she took exception to and said some mean things. He asked for some space and she decided to interpret that as never wanting to speak to her again, and proceeded to go to all the other family members and spread her bullshit. Not one of them bothered to hear his side or even ask.

Yet the narrative is that I’ve pushed him into being no contact. Because that’s easier than facing themselves.

I haven't blamed the girlfriend, he has.

Sorry, you’ve misunderstood. Or I have interpreted your post in a way not intended (and if I have, I apologise). I’m aware he is saying that but you seem to be accepting that and not that he needs to take responsibility for himself and his part, or consider, following that he should accept his part in this, that there could be reasons he chose to what he did that directly involve issues within the family.

And to be clear, I’m not blaming you or your family. I’m just suggesting that often there is more than meets the eye in these situations. So it could be worth considering why he thinks he should have ghosted you. The girlfriend is a red herring.

Regardless of whether he wants to talk about it.

I would still want to talk about what he put the family through.

I would be making it clear how disappointed you are with how he behaved, how his behaviour affected the family members and even now about the fact he doesnt want to talk about it.

I would explain how his behaviour isnt acceptable and how if it ever happens again the door may not be open.

Sorry but from reading your posts it just seems like you've trained him to walk all over everyone.

Sorry but from reading your posts it just seems like you've trained him to walk all over everyone.

Yep, I agree. You've let him get away with treating you like crap for years - it's hardly surprising that he's still doing it as an adult.

@otherthanthat you still haven’t explained about why you have accepted him not acknowledging your birthday etc

Like fuck would I have let him come home without explanation/apology. He behaved appallingly and he’d hear it whether he wanted to or not.

Have you told him how much you missed him? That you’re so happy he is back? Then ask if he missed his family. That can then open up a discussion about how people who love each other don’t isolate their partners from family. That you love him, and therefore you’ll welcome anyone HE loves. And that generally, when people try to isolate their partners from their families, it’s usually because of spurious reasons.

I'd appreciate a birthday card if it's given but I don't expect one, he doesn't send to anybody.
I only want one if the thought came from him, I don't want a card he felt obligated to buy, it's not the same.

Do you not think it is awful that he doesn't know when your birthday is? What does he do at Christmas? Do you do much for his birthday?

No it's not the same, but you can still try to teach him empathy and manners, so that in future years he might do better. None of us is born knowing to send cards. For some reason this young man is treating you very poorly and you don't have to just meekly accept it.

I find it interesting that you find it normal that he put a girlfriend first to the extent that he cut off his family (incl little sisters!). It's not healthy to put a boyfriend/girlfriend first above everyone else no matter what age you are or how long you've been together, if it requires that much sacrifice from you (him).

So either it was entirely "her fault" and he needs to learn boundaries, it wasn't entirely her and he needs to be a bit more honest with you, or he's been unhappy with you and the rest of the family the entire time but he'd rather play nice when he needs somewhere to live.

None of it is great. I do agree that if he was in an abusive relationship there's no point in being angry with him as such, but it definitely needs a discussion - it's a learning point!

Seems like he's unwilling to engage though, which is either because he knows he acted badly, or he doesn't care. I'd say you need to try and work out which of those two options it is!

I have a son in his early 20's and if he upped and went no contact with his girlfriend for 18 months, he most certainly would NOT be strolling in my door again thinking he didn't owe his parents a full explanation.

Not a chance would any of my children be allowed to treat us like that.

I would tell him to sling his hook until such time as he found his manners.

OP, you are a mug to accept this behaviour, I certainly wouldn't.

How dare he shut you down.

In your place I would tell him to pack his bags and find somewhere else to live if he thinks he can treat his family home like some doss house.

His behaviour is absolutely appalling.

You have given him the message that he can behave badly.

I'm stunned anyone would accept this.

Stunned.

Obviously it is his choice to go no contact with his family, but it is your choice to allow him to return and think that he can shut you down and tell you to move on.

What a dreadful message you have given him in how to treat people.

Wouldn't happen in this house.

I certainly wouldn't allow any of my children treat their siblings and parents like that and think they can move back home when it suits them.

MN really is a twilight zone at times.

Why do you think it's acceptable for your son to behave that way?