Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

To feel upset about sons no contact

139 replies

otherthanthat · 25/04/2023 10:29

My ds is early 20s and lives back home with us now.
He met a girl a couple of years ago and she took an instant dislike to every member of our family, he moved in with her and they blocked us and went no contact for 18 months until they split and he came home.
He's never mentioned the no contact apart from to say he hadn't wanted to, it was her, and she didn't like anyone. He had a choice too though.

I have a close relationship with DS and we do lot's together but so did we before he met his ex and so I feel sad to know he would just turn his back on us all if someone else wanted him to.

I wouldn't ever mention it to him but I feel hurt that he didn't even give us an explanation, just ghosted us all and then casually tells us 18 months later, don't worry you didn't do anything wrong.
I understand he would put his gf first and would expect him to but 18 months felt like such a long time, and so many people were hurt, my mum died in that time still hoping for a reconciliation.

He lives here now and just behaves like nothing happened, his little sisters were hurt and confused as were other grandparents, but he seems unaffected and just carries on as though we should all be so pleased to see him again.
Maybe I should be grateful but I feel we spend 18 months wondering what we'd done wrong, worried we'd never see or hear from him, for him to say we didn't do anything wrong.
I suppose knowing I couldn't have done that to my beloved mum and that he could do it hurts the most.

OP posts:

Summerpetal · 25/04/2023 12:41

TheNecessaryWoman · 25/04/2023 10:40

I think a lot of men have an "out of sight out of mind" attitude, and, being largely self centred, are content in the set up that works best for them. So many threads on here women mention arranging contact with her husband's or partner's family, remembering their birthdays etc. because if she didn't they'd never see his family and his family wouldn't get cards and gifts.

He ghosted you because it benefited him more to keep his girlfriend happy. He's happy to be back home because it works for him, for now. Be careful not to build your life around him because when he meets someone else his focus will be elsewhere.

Yes ,absolutely
I’ve often thought my second born son will drop us like a stone when he leaves home .we don’t even get birthday cards now ,he’s 22 and didn’t get me a card for my 50 th birthday.
he’s just not that attached to us ….
3 rd ,son and 1 st son are both autistic,and very loving to us .
I think 2nd son is also autistic,but we missed it ,and I don’t think he understands himself.

MissyB1 · 25/04/2023 12:46

I would want him to acknowledge that he needs to be a lot more careful who he gets into a relationship with in future. How he is going to ensure that he doesn’t get controlled and manipulated again? He needs to have some self awareness and be able to reflect on what went wrong. It’s not about you “telling him off”, it’s about helping him to understand what happened, and the impact it had on himself and everyone else. Has he learned anything? That’s what I would want to know.

Original poster

otherthanthat · 25/04/2023 12:54

I never got birthday cards or Mother's Day from him in the first place, I don't think he knows when my birthday is.
My daughters never forget and always go above and beyond. I wouldn't take it personally, my brothers cards to our mum were always in his wife's handwriting.

OP posts:

Thelnebriati · 25/04/2023 13:00

I would ask him to go for counselling. Perhaps he got into an abusive relationship. Perhaps he just went along with it because its what she wanted. But ultimately, it wouldn't hurt him to understand why and how he ended up in that situation so he doesn't repeat the same mistakes.
It also wouldn't hurt him to apologise. Even if he was in an abusive relationship, he can own the way he behaved towards you.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 25/04/2023 13:09

Thelnebriati · 25/04/2023 13:00

I don't know. The more I hear about him, the more I think he's more than likely just a bit self-obsessed and selfish. It may have been a controlling relationship, but I'm starting to think it was a case of 'out of sight out of mind' for his family. When it all got difficult, he just turned around and came straight home, rather than striking out on his own, so maybe home life is just a bit too comfortable...

CaramelicedLatte · 25/04/2023 13:12

If he was a DD these responses would be entirely different. He was quite obviously the victim in a toxic, controlling relationship and isn't ready to talk about this yet. You are, of course, completely normal to feel hurt and want an explanation, but I think you need to wait for him to be ready, to have processed what happened himself, before this can happen.

ittakes2 · 25/04/2023 13:41

I personally think you need to sit down and address this with him as your feelings are valid. My brother cut off some of my family for about 15 years - reconciled and all lovely with my parents helping him and his new wife buy a home and baby sitting for 3-4 years...then they had a falling out (he doesn't like the way my parents were grumpy with each other in front of his daughter but they have been together for almost 60 years) and he cut them off again. No effort to resolve falling out just giving my parents instructions you need to do X and X if you want to have a relationship with me. Its an immature way of dealing with things and getting what you want - and your son needs to understand the impact of his behaviour or he might do it again.

Neverquitehappy · 25/04/2023 13:41

Wait, so your mum, his nan sadly passed away within these 18 months? Did he not see/speak to you or her during this time? If you lost your mum and didn’t hear from your son when you’d done nothing wrong I would be very hurt.

Beautiful3 · 25/04/2023 13:49

I don't think I could get past it , without family counselling.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 25/04/2023 13:51

I never got birthday cards or Mother's Day from him in the first place, I don't think he knows when my birthday is.

This is extremely abnormal and suggests there was more going on here than just his former relationship. Some people don't have much empathy but can learn to be more empathic and emotionally intelligent. Here are a couple of excellent podcasts on teaching empathy to kids & what to do if your kids forget your birthday /mother's day - may still be useful to you while he's living at home and you have some influence, but more useful perhaps to parents of younger kids who are wondering how to avoid this happening to them:

open.spotify.com/episode/3B9eSOyROyEStrTIXpj0l8?si=SlBleF_nQFKor6r0HauemQ&app_destination=copy-link
How to raise emotionally intelligent kids

open.spotify.com/episode/7wnFQrWGYisIIHaRS0iSCN?si=TGKdB9-3RxKLvprvsMAd8A&app_destination=copy-link
Summary : Some people get a rude (literally) awakening at how selfish their kids are when they don't do anything for events like this! But this oversight isn't really your kid's fault. Of course, it's ideal for the other parent/co-parent/your partner to help them get something together for you, YOU CAN AND SHOULD MAKE SURE YOUR KIDS RECOGNIZE YOU ON THESE DAYS! Of course it still "counts" if you have to teach kids this, just like it counts that they can read if you teach them to read, or any other thing you teach them! In this episode we discuss which parents won't do this, the cognitive distortions that make them think they shouldn't have to self-advocate, and how this ends up hurting your kids.

TheNecessaryWoman · 25/04/2023 13:55

Yeah, this is not the case of an otherwise loving and thoughtful son being held prisoner by his toxic partner, he's just a typical selfish bloke. If he's getting what he wants he's happy. My brother is the same. He's started to engage with the family now because our mother is very frail and he's sucking up to her so she doesn't change her will and leave him out.

Rowthe · 25/04/2023 13:58

YANBU

Unfortunately you've brought up a ael-centred son, who seems not to care for others.

In my experience its really common. It's not your fault, but very common.

It sounds like he would do the exact same again, given half a chance.

This is not someone who you can rely on and personally I would be stepping back from the relationship.

Now that he has moved back, you need to sit down with him and discuss what happened,.and let him know how it wasnt appropriate. By doing this you may be causing issues with the relationship and he may decide he wants to move out.

But you need to address it, because right now hes just waltzed back into the family without any consequences, he will definitely do the same again. And again in my experience its usually sons who behave like this.

Personally I would feel so let down by him,.I would struggle to trust him again,.and my relationship would never be the same again.

Maray1967 · 25/04/2023 14:05

TheApplianceofScience · 25/04/2023 10:43

In this house it would go something like this, I am going to talk, you are going to listen, you are going to answer the questions I have and then we will move on.

Actions have consequences but that goes both ways, so let us both clear the air re the MIA period and then move on.

I agree with this. He had a choice - and although I can see he might have been under immense pressure he still needs to acknowledge that he behaved badly. There needs to be understanding on both sides - that he got trapped in a toxic relationship but that he also hurt his family very much.

Maray1967 · 25/04/2023 14:06

In fact in my family I’d need to open up a conversation with him because there is no way my DF or FIL wouldn’t if I left it.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 25/04/2023 14:07

I never got birthday cards or Mother's Day from him in the first place, I don't think he knows when my birthday is. My daughters never forget and always go above and beyond. I wouldn't take it personally, my brothers cards to our mum were always in his wife's handwriting

Why are you normalising this?

The more you post, the more it sounds like your son is selfish and not a particularly nice person - and I was defending him upthread.

It's not normal for sons to behave like this. Unless you're about to drip that your relationship has always been fractious, he has no excuse not to remember your birthday, or buy you a Mothers' Day card.

Greensleeves · 25/04/2023 14:09

Ideally you need family therapy to work through the hurt and mistrust that has been caused, especially for his younger sisters, and around the death of your mother during his absence.

If he's anything like my younger son though, he'd rather chew his own feet off than engage with a therapist...so I would just keep trying, calmly and reasonably, to talk to him about what happened and how it affected everyone. If he was in an abusive relationship and cut off against his will, he needs to address that and understand it so that it doesn't happen again.

It's so hard with young men.

toomuchlaundry · 25/04/2023 14:26

Have you treated him differently than your DDs. Can’t believe he has never got you cards. I have a DS, even from a very early age he has been involved in cards and gifts. He was so proud the first year he was able to go to the shops on his own and buy me and DH little gifts for Christmas. There is no excuse for boys not to do this.

Does he do chores round the house?

Has he mentioned your DM at all?

If you think he would do it again in a heartbeat then I doubt the gf was toxic/abusive, it is just he was selfish. He probably thought she would do all the contacting like his sisters do, and she refused.

moose62 · 25/04/2023 14:27

I agree with some of the others - he had a choice and he chose to blank you all when it suited him to do it. You realise that and don't see any merit in asking him for an explanation.
I wouldn't either but I would sit him down and ask him to listen to you, not to answer necessarily, but to understand how you feel. I would tell him how upset and disappointed the whole family was with his behaviour etc. and whilst you are happy to have him back if he takes this route again the door might not be open again.
I think he needs to know that what he did have consequences.

LimitIsUp · 25/04/2023 14:38

I think I would have to have a full and frank discussion with him to ascertain whether he has learnt from the experience

Original poster

otherthanthat · 25/04/2023 14:45

LimitIsUp · 25/04/2023 14:38

I think I would have to have a full and frank discussion with him to ascertain whether he has learnt from the experience

He just feels blameless in it and that it was her not him so why am I asking him for?
When I asked him why she didn't like us he just said she doesn't like anyone and when I asked what we'd done I got nothing mum it's just what she's like.
As much as I want to understand I don't want to keep on and he makes short closed answers and then talks about something else, it's clearly just not open to discussion and he's trying to move on so we should.
I am here if he wants to talk but he doesn't.

OP posts:

LimitIsUp · 25/04/2023 14:50

Well you must handle it in a way that feels right for you, but personally I'd be asking him what happens in future if another girlfriend takes an irrational dislike. I would want assurances that he wouldn't drop his family like a tonne of bricks and I would also be articulating just how hurt and sad we all were and make him own his decisions

Quitelikeit · 25/04/2023 14:50

You need to change your approach!

he might not want to talk but you do!

tell him that you were all put out by his behaviour and ask how you know he won’t do it to you again?! Tell him you are worried about it

toomuchlaundry · 25/04/2023 14:52

Have you ever told him you are hurt that he doesn't even know when your birthday is?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 25/04/2023 15:01

It was her not him? Well it was him that chose to stay with her, that chose to listen to her rather than set some boundaries in place, that chose to continue to ignore his entire family when his gran died, that has refused to acknowledge the hurt this has caused and the affect it has had on relationships, that has not shown in any way that he has learnt from this or would do something differently if the same situation arose now. So no, it wasn't all 'her' and he needs to address this if he wants the relationship to go back to what it was. Does he really truly not have any idea of what it would feel like if others in the family did the same to him? Ignored him for 500 days just because someone theyd only just met told them to?

fairycakes1234 · 25/04/2023 15:04

What happens if he meets someone else and does it again. No, id be sitting down and having an adult conversation with him explaining how hurt you were and your family. Why shouldn't he be pulled up on his behaviour? Hes living in your house and needs to explain why and what happened, or even that its not acceptable to do something like that. I would find it hard not to say anything.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6