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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset about sons no contact

139 replies

otherthanthat · 25/04/2023 10:29

My ds is early 20s and lives back home with us now.
He met a girl a couple of years ago and she took an instant dislike to every member of our family, he moved in with her and they blocked us and went no contact for 18 months until they split and he came home.
He's never mentioned the no contact apart from to say he hadn't wanted to, it was her, and she didn't like anyone. He had a choice too though.

I have a close relationship with DS and we do lot's together but so did we before he met his ex and so I feel sad to know he would just turn his back on us all if someone else wanted him to.

I wouldn't ever mention it to him but I feel hurt that he didn't even give us an explanation, just ghosted us all and then casually tells us 18 months later, don't worry you didn't do anything wrong.
I understand he would put his gf first and would expect him to but 18 months felt like such a long time, and so many people were hurt, my mum died in that time still hoping for a reconciliation.

He lives here now and just behaves like nothing happened, his little sisters were hurt and confused as were other grandparents, but he seems unaffected and just carries on as though we should all be so pleased to see him again.
Maybe I should be grateful but I feel we spend 18 months wondering what we'd done wrong, worried we'd never see or hear from him, for him to say we didn't do anything wrong.
I suppose knowing I couldn't have done that to my beloved mum and that he could do it hurts the most.

OP posts:
readbooksdrinktea · 25/04/2023 17:58

He should get some manners, frankly.

MsRosley · 25/04/2023 18:09

otherthanthat · 25/04/2023 11:30

You might just come up against a wall of frustration and “I’ve already told you, you did nothing wrong, it was her, just leave it”.
I know him and yes this is exactly what I'd get if I brought it up which is why I never have.

But the point is HE did something wrong. He willingly abandoned you all - was she actually holding a gun to his head this whole time? - and now expects his behaviour to be consequence-free.

I understand your instinct to let him back into your house and your life, OP, but I think you know that really he's playing you for a mug. He's made it amply clear he doesn't care about you or your family in any real way if he can't even be arsed to acknowledge his mother's birthday, for goodness sake. He's a taker, not a giver.

toomuchlaundry · 25/04/2023 18:11

Does he at least cook you a meal or take you out for dinner once he realises it is your birthday @otherthanthat

MsRosley · 25/04/2023 18:14

"A son is a son till he takes a wife, a daughter's a daughter the rest of her life."

There is a reason this is an old proverb. Sadly, it's often true.

Rowthe · 25/04/2023 18:19

MsRosley · 25/04/2023 18:14

"A son is a son till he takes a wife, a daughter's a daughter the rest of her life."

There is a reason this is an old proverb. Sadly, it's often true.

Only if you let them get away with it.

If they are used to treating people I this manner during their formative years it's no wonder they continue once they're in a relationship.

OP has a chance to now change the relationship dynamics, but just seems very passive. E.g. I dont want a card if he doesnt decide off his own back.

Force him to buy you a card with reminders for 2 occasions- birthday/ mothers day etc. Then when he forgets on the next occasion- give him an earful. And he'll soon learn to give you a card off his own back- obviously this should be done when they are a lot younger than his current age, but it's not too late.

MsRosley · 25/04/2023 18:25

I agree with you, @Rowthe but I don't think it's necessarily down to poor parenting. Culture plays a large part, and in my experience, men tend to be less agreeable and considerate of others. If you pushed me, I'd say those were hard-wired traits that often take a fair bit of countering. So if you bring all your kids up equally, there's a far chance your daughters will be more thoughtful and less self involved than your sons.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 25/04/2023 18:42

MsRosley · 25/04/2023 18:25

I agree with you, @Rowthe but I don't think it's necessarily down to poor parenting. Culture plays a large part, and in my experience, men tend to be less agreeable and considerate of others. If you pushed me, I'd say those were hard-wired traits that often take a fair bit of countering. So if you bring all your kids up equally, there's a far chance your daughters will be more thoughtful and less self involved than your sons.

I think in this case it is poor parenting. Not just from OP, though.

It's poor parenting to let your child get away with forgetting important events - regardless of their sex. Part of being a parent is raising your child to be mindful of others, and what's important to them.

In this case, the DS hasn't bothered with basic things like birthdays or Mothers' Day for years - he sounds selfish and uncaring - so it follows that he's capable of cutting his family off with no real issue for 18 months.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 25/04/2023 18:51

And, presumably, he's seen his sisters buying you cards and presents for your birthday, Mother's Day. It's not like he's an only child who doesn't have the example of brothers and sisters doing things for a parent to shame him into copying.

So, what, he thinks he's better than his siblings? Or just doesn't need to bother? Or just plain doesn't care?

girlfriend44 · 25/04/2023 21:28

Yanbu he was weak and selfish.

He should have stood up to her.

Your right how do.you know he won't do.it again

You do need to talk to him.

Kanaloa · 26/04/2023 09:52

Rowthe · 25/04/2023 18:19

Only if you let them get away with it.

If they are used to treating people I this manner during their formative years it's no wonder they continue once they're in a relationship.

OP has a chance to now change the relationship dynamics, but just seems very passive. E.g. I dont want a card if he doesnt decide off his own back.

Force him to buy you a card with reminders for 2 occasions- birthday/ mothers day etc. Then when he forgets on the next occasion- give him an earful. And he'll soon learn to give you a card off his own back- obviously this should be done when they are a lot younger than his current age, but it's not too late.

Show quote history

Personally I’d say it is too late. I’d feel disgusted and embarrassed to be telling a man in his twenties to buy me a gift for appropriate occasions and giving him little ‘reminders’ in the run up to every normal holiday. For me I think it’s more appropriate to return in kind. He obviously doesn’t see these events as important, so of course he won’t want any gifts for his birthday or Christmas in future.

And I think op is daft for bankrolling him to live at home. I’d be telling him straight that he excluded himself from the family and so cannot decide now to snap his fingers and have the family run around supporting him.

Kanaloa · 26/04/2023 09:53

MsRosley · 25/04/2023 18:09

But the point is HE did something wrong. He willingly abandoned you all - was she actually holding a gun to his head this whole time? - and now expects his behaviour to be consequence-free.

I understand your instinct to let him back into your house and your life, OP, but I think you know that really he's playing you for a mug. He's made it amply clear he doesn't care about you or your family in any real way if he can't even be arsed to acknowledge his mother's birthday, for goodness sake. He's a taker, not a giver.

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This is exactly what I think. Taking his parents for absolute idiots who he will use when convenient and drop when boring.

billy1966 · 26/04/2023 10:02

Kanaloa · 26/04/2023 09:53

This is exactly what I think. Taking his parents for absolute idiots who he will use when convenient and drop when boring.

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Won't be the last time this happens either🙄.

And we wonder how the awful partners we read about on here are reared.

Prime example here.🙄

Kanaloa · 26/04/2023 10:04

billy1966 · 26/04/2023 10:02

Won't be the last time this happens either🙄.

And we wonder how the awful partners we read about on here are reared.

Prime example here.🙄

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Well op says herself she has no doubt he’d do it again. It baffles me why she’d open the doors and make sure he can just come right in and take advantage of the family again.

fairycakes1234 · 26/04/2023 10:16

Kanaloa · 26/04/2023 10:04

Well op says herself she has no doubt he’d do it again. It baffles me why she’d open the doors and make sure he can just come right in and take advantage of the family again.

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@Kanaloa
because its her son and she loves him unconditionally

Kanaloa · 26/04/2023 10:20

fairycakes1234 · 26/04/2023 10:16

@Kanaloa
because its her son and she loves him unconditionally

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She can love him unconditionally without allowing a grown man to use her when it suits while treating her like rubbish when it suits him. Loving someone doesn’t mean lying down so they can wipe their feet on you.

billy1966 · 26/04/2023 10:25

Kanaloa · 26/04/2023 10:04

Well op says herself she has no doubt he’d do it again. It baffles me why she’d open the doors and make sure he can just come right in and take advantage of the family again.

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Ditto.

My husband wouldn't tolerate such behaviour, not to mind me.

Absolutely his choice to go no contact, but do not think you will walk back into MY home with a get over it attitude.

Not a chance.

2chocolateoranges · 26/04/2023 10:32

I would expect an explanation before I’d open my door and let him live with me again.

There has to be a major reason why you don’t talk to your parents and he needs to explain this l

Timesawastin · 26/04/2023 10:35

Nanny0gg · 25/04/2023 15:59

I'd take it personally!

Why is it ok for (some) men to not care?

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Because society will step up and blame their mothers (never their fathers) for bringing them up wrong. As evidenced by several posters here.

FrenchandSaunders · 26/04/2023 10:41

I really want to know how he got in touch and how the conversation went about coming home, after no contact for so long.

toomuchlaundry · 26/04/2023 10:54

@Timesawastin the OP did seem okay with the fact that her brother is also useless at card sending and relies on his wife to do it, so seems to accept her son's behaviour. She has also let him back home, and she doesn't live with the dad as she has mentioned step parents, so some of this is down to her.

But DH would not accept DS ignoring my birthday or Mother's Day, or treating me like a doormat

Skybluepinky · 26/04/2023 11:43

He was taken in by a controlling partner no need to keep reminding him, he is back at home enjoy it stop moaning about the past.

Arucana · 26/04/2023 11:52

MsRosley · 25/04/2023 11:00

This is exactly it. Your son just chose to do what suited him. And he'll probably do it again.

There are a lot of sons like this around.

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There is a world of difference between being a bit lax in contacting their family and cutting all contact. I appreciate a lot of men do do this especially if their family has a view of their relationship which isn’t quite what they want - they slope away rather than pushing back - but totally cutting all contact is a whole different ballpark and I’d just be glad I got my child back safely. I will always be a safe place for my children to land - and so what if they do it again in the future. If that happens I’ll deal with my emotions then.

Kanaloa · 26/04/2023 12:14

Skybluepinky · 26/04/2023 11:43

He was taken in by a controlling partner no need to keep reminding him, he is back at home enjoy it stop moaning about the past.

Unless she’s been controlling his behaviour for all his adult life, it still doesn’t explain the rest of his selfish and cruel behaviour.

lookingthroughthekeyhole · 26/04/2023 12:18

and she doesn't live with the dad as she has mentioned step parents, so some of this is down to her.

Really? How is that relevant?

9outof10cats · 26/04/2023 13:32

I can never imagine going NC with family for a partner - unless my family were toxic, which they are not.

If a future partner insisted on this, it would end to the end of the relationship with them, not my family.

I think your son has some explaining to do. If he has done it once, he could do it again. I am not so sure I would be as forgiving as you have been.